{Before you guys read this chapter, I just want to say that you make sure you read the author’s note once finished reading if you usually skip them. There’s a certain scene in this chapter that I want to clarify and explain so people don’t get confused and think I’m dumb or something. Thank you! Have a good read!}
~**~
[If I get a little prettier can I be your baby?]
~**~
His whole house was completely isolated, abandoned, and empty; just like his heart. Yaser had taken his wife and daughter out for dinner and Zayn was offered to go, but the boy declined and locked himself in his room ever since he got home from school that afternoon. While his family was eating, Zayn was looking through weight loss magazines and at ‘thinspiration’ blogs on Tumblr. He knew Liam would of risked getting in trouble for Zayn if he was better looking, thinner, perfect. All he wanted was Liam’s approval at this point. He loathed for it. He craved it like someone would for coffee in the morning.
Also, he felt like everything he was doing was a waste of time. No matter how many days he fasted or how many miles he ran, Zayn was never going to be good enough. Not just to himself, but to others around him as well. It made him wonder what his life could have been like if he was this perfect child that accomplished so much and brought status to his family, not embarrassment. Maybe his father would treat him right, maybe he would stand up for his sister, maybe Liam would put in as much effort as Zayn did because it takes two to tango.
He walks over to his mirror and pulls off his shirt. What he sees makes his fist ball up and clench against the fabric in his hand. “Why can’t I be good enough?” he whispers to himself, his lip quivering and tears threatening to spill out.
His eyes slide shut as Zayn traps away any tears. He really hated how much of a wuss he was being, and had no clue why he was so sad. He was just so confused and a well hidden mess. Zayn needed to man up and stop crying over every single thing. He knew the best remedy for sadness would be talking to someone to calm him down. Jawaad was a simple call away, but Zayn didn’t want to be a burden and annoy Jawaad. His cousin wouldn’t admit it though.
Luke was another option; however, Zayn didn’t know him that well still and wasn’t that open with him yet to vent. Besides, if he lost control and cried over the phone like he always did with Jawaad, Luke would be put in an awkward situation and Zayn didn’t want that.
Zayn slips back on his shirt and sits back on his bed. His phone then rings and he looks at the caller ID. It was an unknown number and Zayn was hesitant at first, but he would never know who it was unless he answered. He clicks the green button and pulls the phone close to his ear, only a few crackling noises being heard at first.
“Hello?” asks Zayn.
“Hey Zayn, it’s Harry! Harry Styles.”
Zayn’s eyebrow was raised high because he was just blatantly confused as to why Harry was calling him. “Um, how did you get my number? I never remember giving it to you?”
Harry chuckles. “Calm down. I got it from Louis who got it from Liam. I know, that’s a long confusing cycle.”
“Well, can I help you then? You called for a reason, yeah?”
“I just wanted to chat Zaynie s’all,” explains Harry, “I feel we really connected this morning ya know?”
Zayn’s mouth was formed in a straight line. He and Harry never really talked that often and Zayn was just bad at keeping a steady conversation going. “I guess.”
“You don’t seem too eager to talk? Is something bothering you?” asked Harry with a voice that hinted a little mock.
“Kind of, but I’d rather not talk about it,” Zayn mumbles. He’d much rather hang up on Harry right now because Zayn just wanted to be left alone with his thoughts, but he wasn’t rude enough to do that to Harry. “Honestly though, what do you want Harry?” Agitation was getting the best of Zayn at this moment.
“To just talk, buddy. Sheesh, I’m just being friendly,” defended the curly-haired lad.
Zayn hated being called ‘buddy’. It felt like someone was putting themselves above him and it made Zayn feel young and foolish. “Can’t you talk to like… Louis or something?”
Harry’s lips formed into a smirk as he had Zayn right where he wanted him. It was time to take this mentioning of Louis and use it to his advantage. “I would, but he’s busy hanging out with Liam.”
Zayn’s heart plummeted down into the depths of hell. At least, it felt that way. This just heightened Zayn’s belief that he wasn’t good enough for Liam, or anyone of that matter. “Wha-What do you mean? I… I thought he was grounded?”
“That’s what I thought too, but I guess he’s just a rebel. I mean, I’m not surprised though. It makes since because he’s fancied Louis since year eight.” Harry’s voice sounded carefree and obvious like he thought Zayn knew this. He was doing his job quite well and his acting was easy for the gullible to believe. He deserved an Oscar award for how shady he was acting.
“Oh…” is all Zayn could muster up because he was at a loss of words. It all made sense now; Liam wanted Louis this whole time. Louis was so much more funny, outgoing, skinny, charming, handsome, and perfect than Zayn.
He felt used, like Liam was just playing him this entire time and didn’t have any feelings for him. He thought being asked on a date was a shoe-in for Liam’s feelings for Zayn, but the whole thing was just a hoax.
“I thought he liked me,” croaked out Zayn, his voice cracking easier than an eggshell.
“Sorry to break it to you Zaynie, but Liam’s infatuated with Louis,” says Harry with fake sympathy.
Zayn clicks the ‘end call’ option and drops his phone to the ground. At this point, Zayn was livid and had not one care for Liam. His motivation to get thin died like his longing for Liam at that moment. If he was just going to have his feelings get toyed with, then Zayn would just drop it and let his insecurities get the best of him. He was beginning to believe everything his father said was completely accurate and figured if you can’t beat ‘em then to join ‘em.
Zayn races down the stairs and heads to the kitchen, searching through the cabinets immediately. The food labels and nutritional facts he used to read like they were more important than the bible didn’t matter to the boy. He’d ignore his thoughts and give into his grumbling stomach and eat his feelings like he used to when he was young. The comfort of food was his last resort since no living figure was there for him.
All the junk food in the cabinet seemed appealing to Zayn, but he continued his hunt by rummaging in the fridge. The way he saw food as numbers deteriorated from his mind. Of course it would come back since his anorexic mind was a vicious continuous cycle that just wouldn’t go away like a pest.
Zayn’s eyes grace upon a box of leftover pizza from Wednesday night dinner. He remembers skipping dinner that night because he wanted to look perfect for Liam. While his family was eating, Zayn was sitting there with a piece of pizza shaking in his hand. He was so tempted to take a bite. Eventually he excused himself and went for a run instead. Too bad that was a complete bust and waste of time.
The box of Italian food also brought back memories of when Zayn’s father first confronted him about his weight when he was ten. Dinner wasn’t ever the same for him ever since that night. Dinner was supposed to be about eating and enjoying time with your family while discussing each other’s day; to Zayn, it was just a torturous time where he had to force himself not to pick up the fork to dig into his food and to expect an insult to shoot from his father’s mouth like a bullet.
Zayn takes out the box of pizza and plants it onto the table. He opens it up and sees three slices of pepperoni pizza. He picks up the first slice and holds it to his lips. The cold feeling matched Zayn’s train of thought as he whispers to himself, “I’ll show you perfect,” and finally takes a bite out of the slice.
The rest is history as he scarves down the three slices of pizza in no time. He never saw himself in this position where someone would hurt him so bad to the point where he just gave up and binged on food. It wasn’t just Liam’s fault; it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Everything was leading up to this point and Liam drove him over the edge.
Zayn feels a sudden sickness and rubs his hand against his stomach. Not only was he full, but he was over capacitated. His body wasn’t used to all this food at once. Zayn runs to the bathroom and gets onto his knees, followed by lifting the toilet seat and vomiting all over the bowl of water. The food inside his system was just barfed out without any permission. He grabs a piece of toilet paper and wipes his mouth and throws it into the toilet before flushing. Zayn’s back leans against the wall as he just sits there, his body shaking and tears showering his cheeks. Sadness was the right adjective to describe Zayn because he felt so alone and confused. He didn’t want to feel this way but didn’t have much of a choice in that matter since he was raised by asshole parents.
He stands up and walks over to the sink to wash his mouth, not being able to stand the taste of vomit in his mouth any longer. He rinses his mouth and face, the cold water bringing him back to reality. His eyes look up at the mirror to get a better look at himself. His eyes were a light red and his chest was pumping up and down from all the panting and heavy breathing. “Why? Why me? Why can’t my life ever be easy?” he complains to himself.
Zayn sighs and flicks off the lights while walking out. He runs back upstairs and grabs his phone that he threw at the ground, relieved it wasn’t cracked or anything of that matter. He just needed someone to be there so he didn’t feel like he didn’t matter. He wanted that support and comfort he thought Liam offered—he was clearly wrong for thinking that.
Zayn opens up a new message and texts Luke, hoping he’d answer quickly.
To: Luke
Message: Hey Lukey, can you please pick me up? I really need someone…
His message is sent and Zayn paces back and forth beside his bed. He was counting on Luke and had no choice but to put all his eggs in one basket. Zayn’s phone vibrates and he checks for Luke’s response, his lip being bit in the process.
From: Luke
Message: Hey love! Of course my princess! I’ll be over at your place in five. :)
That was a definite breather for Zayn. He pulls himself together and slips on a red beanie so he looks presentable and heads back downstairs. He was tempted to leave a note—it’s not like his parents would care anyways. They’d probably be much happier if they came home to seeing in a newspaper headline that their son was murdered.
He leaves out the door and sees Luke pulled up in his Jeep with a pair of aviators on. Luke honks the horn and pops his head out the window yelling, “Lets go baby girl!”
Zayn blushes at this because he was still a little uncomfortable with how Luke treated him like a girl, yet it was somehow enlightening in a strange way. Like Luke wanted to add a little spunk to their friendship and make it more different than others. This was purely a friendship in Zayn’s eyes.
Zayn takes his seat inside Luke’s vehicle and right away buckles his seatbelt. He wanted to stall as much time as possible before looking at Luke like a mess. “So what’s up?” asks Luke with his tongue rested against his piercing.
Zayn gives Luke a stare that was meant with all seriousness and begged for understanding. “I’d rather talk about it when we’re at your house, yeah?”
“Oh, you wanna go to my house, eh?” questioned Luke with a hint of flirting.
“Well I mean, if it’s okay with you,” mumbles Zayn while playing with the seatbelt strap over his chest.
Luke laughs, “I’m totally messing with you! Yeah we can go to mine for a bit.” His eyebrows wiggle and he adds, “My folks work graveyard shifts so we’ll be all alone.” His last sentence was said in a way that screamed with desire and want that would rub someone the wrong way; unless you were someone as oblivious as Zayn.
“That sounds nice.” Luke starts back up his car and Zayn places a hand over Luke’s thigh to make him look at Zayn. “Thank you… so much.”
Luke’s glasses slide to the bridge of his nose and he replies, “It’s what I do best, princess.”
Zayn smiles a wee bit at this to which Luke drives off, taking them back to his house.
~**~
Luke sits down on his sofa with one leg crossed over the other. He grins at Zayn and pats the spot next to him. “Have a seat princess. Make yourself comfortable.”
Zayn makes his way over to the couch and pops a squat next to Luke. He places his hands in his lap and already feels a lump developing in his throat. No, he couldn’t be so weak and let anything get to him. He just needed to vent a little and get everything off his mind. Crying wasn’t a solution to solve any of this. “Um…” murmurs Zayn.
Luke grabs Zayn’s chin, forcing the smaller boy to look at him. “What’s wrong? You called me for a reason and I want to know. So please, tell me.”
Zayn’s lips form a pout and he takes a deep breath that he never exhales. “L-Liam… he screwed me over. We were supposed to go on a date tonight, but I guess he couldn’t ‘cause his mum grounded him. Hours later, I get a call from Harry who tells me Liam’s hanging out with Louis.” Zayn’s breathing was beginning to deepen as he explained himself. “Turns out he’s had a crush on Louis for a long time…”
Luke’s stare never leaves Zayn who’s sitting beside him, explaining himself with his eyes looking down and not sharing a single glance with Luke. He was listening to everything single thing Zayn had to say.
“I-I… I really liked him, Luke. Liam was beginning to grow on me. I even thought he genuinely liked me too.” Zayn’s tone changes to a mocking one as he continues, “Big mistake there.”
He looks up at Luke and realizes Luke’s eyes haven’t left Zayn’s body. He was paying attention and it meant a lot to Zayn who was so distressed and in need of some comfort.
The tears start spewing once again from Zayn’s eyes as he finishes phrasing his thoughts, “I feel played.”
Luke’s eyes soften and he actually felt bad for Zayn. He was human and no one should wish such sadness and hurt upon an innocent boy like Zayn. Liam was playing it dirty and shouldn’t have led Zayn on like that—Luke was playing it dirty as well, but at least he wasn’t fucking with Zayn’s emotions like they were no big deal.
Zayn’s lip quivers as he falls on top of Luke and cries into the crook of his neck. He was so desperate for comfort and reassurance that he didn’t care who it was from at this point. “Will you please hold me?” begs Zayn in between sniffles, and this just breaks Luke’s heart. The way Zayn was talking was a blatant example on how hurt he was.
“Shh, it’s okay babe,” coos Luke into his ear while holding him in his lap and rubbing soothing circles on his back.
Zayn continues to cry until he finally feels better and pulls his head out of Luke’s neck area. His cheeks are the perfect shade of rosy red and Luke literally couldn’t help but love the sight. Was it wrong of him to enjoy the fact that Zayn was pretty when he cried? Maybe twisted would be a better word choice.
“I really needed that,” muttered Zayn who was lost in a trance with Luke’s blue eyes. His mouth was slightly parted and there was glaze in his eye that anyone could notice and know what it meant. Zayn was emotionally vulnerable at this point. He was craving passion and love and just wasn’t thinking, but rather acting, by smacking his lips onto Luke’s.
__________________________________________________________
Am I a bitch for leaving you guys on a cliffhanger? xD
So before any of you get it twisted, Zayn is NOT bulimic. He is anorexic. The reason he threw up his food was because when you starve yourself so often and barely eat, your body can’t handle that much food all at once. It wasn’t his choice to puke. He DID NOT purge. I Just wanted to clear that up for any of you people out there.
Anyways, I know you guys are probably mad that Ziam hasn’t been working out, but THAT’S THE POINT. The plot would be boring if it was just sunshine and rainbows. Sorry, I’m not one for cliché’s and super happy endings. You can be mad all you want, but hey, if I’m getting a spark out you guys, I’m doing something right, yeah?
I’m so close to 1K comments on this story! I know we can do it! So comment like crazy on this chapter if you want an update really fast! The more comments, the more motivated I am! Also, thank you guys for 2K+ votes! You guys keep amazing me! I really have come to love and appreciate every single one of my readers, and I’m sorry if it doesn’t seem like it. :(
Dedication goes to @greyffy because she’s always commenting on every single chapter and I really appreciate it! c:
Comment #DeviousHarry if you enjoyed this chapter!
Make sure to check out my other stories and to follow if you aren’t already! I’m so close to 400 followers! Eeek! :D
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-Sahar