Days went by and I didn't go to school, my dad didn't bother me about it either. I hardly left my room, I only left once. I went to my Mom's funeral 3 days after her death. Worst experience I ever had. When I went to her wake, that morning, she looked so beautiful and peaceful. I cried into her chest, I didn't want to let go. No one bothered me, they all carried on as I cried. I had been through soo much with this woman, she was my friend. I don't know any woman as majestic as her. She's always going to be in my heart regardless. When I couldn't cry anymore, I went to the car and waited for my dad to come.
We drove to the funeral, there was a crowd of people there. None of them probably really knew her. The priest said a speech of how God called her home. I became angered, she was home. I didn't need to lose her. A bunch of people lined up to talk about her. I didn't pay any attention to the assholes, they didn't mean it. I ignored them and looked over the obituary. Everyone said things like she was pretty, nice, and blah. My dad's turn came up, I watched him step up to the podium.
"Um, Karen was my first love." He was choking back his tears. "She was the only woman I ever loved."
"Bullshit." I muttered under my breath. He heard me and gave me an annoyed look.
"I've spent 23 years with her, she was an amazing woman. I just hate that she's gone." He started to cry more.
I didn't cry one tear since I realized she died. I just wanted to be alone. I would try and make myself cry, by looking at pictures me and her took. Nothing helped, I just couldn't shed a tear. The only time I cried was when I saw her lifeless face. It was too much to handle, but my dad, I know he only felt guilt. He was stronger than me to handle this, it was the guilt that was eating away at him. My dad quit crying and was able to finish his speech. He thanked everyone for coming and got down, it was my turn. I climbed the few steps and approached the podium.
"First I would like to say, all of you are full of shit." I spoke. Everyone gasped in shock. "None of you knew what my mom was really like. She was the most amazing, beautiful, and best woman I've ever known. You people come in here and say nice things when none of you really talked to her. I was her number one priority. She spent the most time with me, not you." I pointed to the crowd as I felt tears come to my eyes.
"I fucking loved this woman like no other. I don't even like girls, but I loved her. She wasn't just my mom, she was my friend. I could turn to her for anything." I was in tears. I dried my eyes and the priest tried to remove me, I pushed him away.
"I needed this woman. I can't live without her and your fucking God took her." I scanned the crowd and then pointed to my dad. "You drove her away. You were fucking some slut and drove her away. She would still be here if it weren't for you. I hate you. I wish that this would have been you! I don't need you, I need her. She was there when you weren't!" I screamed at him.
He burst into tears and tried to come comfort me. I jumped down from the stage and ran. I knew where to go, I knew where the cemetery was. I went there and waited for them to arrive with her. When everyone departed from her casket I went to it. I sat down beside it. I opened it. I saw her angelic face and smiled and cried. How come I couldn't have gone with her. She didn't need to leave me, now I have no one. I cried on her chest again and felt a hand touch me. I looked up thinking it would be her, but it was Vic.
"What do you want? Are you here to call me a momma's boy again? Go ahead." I returned back to her chest. I smelled her lifeless body, she still smelled the same. I was going to miss her scent.
"No, I came to tell you I'm sorry." He kneeled down beside me.
"It's too late for that. So take your fucking apology and shove it up your ass. I don't need your sympathy." I didn't look at him. I stared at my mom's beautiful face and ran my fingers through her hair.
"Kellin, I'm sorry." He pleaded.
"Vic, I don't care. Just leave me alone." He didn't say anything else. I felt his presence leave.
I returned back to her arms and hugged her deeply. I can't leave her, I don't want to. I stayed close in her arms and someone tapped my shoulder. I ignored them and continued to hug her. They tapped me again and I snapped.
"What the hell do you want?" I refused to look at them either.
"Kellin, please. We need to lower the casket." I heard my dad's voice sound.
I turned to face him and his eyes were wet from tears. I went over and pushed him.
"This is your fucking fault." I pushed him again. "Your fault. That should be you." I pushed him once more. "I hate you. You did this."
"Kellin I'm sorry." He started to cry again and he tried to grab me.
"No. No! You're not sorry. You wouldn't have did it if you were. You're a coward and a jackass. I hate you." I turned and walked away from him.
I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to go see her. I walked home and went into her room. I went through her drawers and grabbed her favorite pink shirt. She loved it because I got it for her for Mother's Day. I took the shirt and hung it up in my room. I started going through the house and grabbing all the pictures of me and her. There was more pictures of us, and only 2 my father was in. I took them all and every photo album into my room.
I locked the door and started taking out the pictures. I needed to see her. I started to pin them to my wall, I loved looking at her smile. I couldn't smile, I felt empty without her. She was my everything and now she was gone. I didn't want to do anything but look at her. The days following her funeral, u stared at my roof and wall. I plastered them with pictures of her, she was happy and content.
Dad wanted me to come out the room and eat, I refused. He would bring in plates of food and water. He didn't bother me much, he couldn't. I listened to music all day, songs we would sing in the car together. Some days I would him them and others I would just listen. I didn't want to sing, not without her here. I decided to write in my notebook one day, I wanted to write her a song. It had to be beautiful and perfect just like her.
'There's so many things that I could say
But I'm sure it would come out all wrong
You got something that I can't explain,
Still try and try and let you know
That first summer we spent's one we'll never forget,
Looking for any kind of reason to escape all the mess that
We thought was what made us
Ain't it funny now? We can see
We're who we're meant to be
You still have all of my
You still have all of my
You still have all my heart
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh oooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh oooh...
There's too many times I have to say
I could have been better and stronger for you and me
You always make me feel okay
Those late summers we spent, stay up talking all night
I'd ask "you think we'd ever make it?"
You'd say "I'm sure if it's right"
Ain't it funny to think just how stupid I used to be
Hope you always believe
You still have all of my
You still have all of my
You still have all my heart
You still have all of my
You still have all of my
You still have all my heart
Let them talk and talk and talk
Let them say what they want
We will laugh at the thought they don't know what we've got
Every year that goes by, a year older we are
You'll still be beautiful then, bless your beautiful heart
They'll talk and talk and talk
How crazy is it?
Someone could waste their whole life, helplessly,
Just patiently waiting for a love like you and me
You still have all of my
You still have all of my
You still have all my heart
You still have all of my heart
You still have all of my (you still have all of my heart)
You still have all of my (you still have all of my heart)
You still have all of my heart (you still have all of my heart)
You still have all of my(I've been waiting my whole life)
You still have all of my
(For someone to save me still can't believe that you're mine)
You still have all of my heart'
For the first time, I sang, only for her. I sang myself to sleep at her song, and cuddled up to her shirt. I missed her soo much. I need her here with me.
**Vic's P.O.V**
Ever since Kellin's mom died, I haven't seen him. I missed him, his touch, his lips. I would text him, but I couldn't get a reply. His father said he stayed in his room everyday all day. I just wish I could hold him and tell him how sorry I am.
Everyday that I'm not at Kellin's or school, I'm getting beat. I've become numb to the feeling. Mike cries out in pain, I cringe at his screams. I can't do anything about it either. We sneak out at night to find someplace to stay. Jaime hasn't talked to me since we ended things, and Tony has been grounded.
We spend the day trying to find some way to talk to Kellin. We don't want to bother him, but I don't want to go through this. He hasn't come to school for the past couple of days. I haven't beat up or messed with anyone since that day I found out. I wall the halls with Mike, Jaime, and Tony, we don't talk much or bother others. We're just feared and not bothered.
The day of Kellin's mom's funeral, I skipped school to attend. I needed to show him I cared. I went to the wake, it was open to family of the deceased. I lied and said I was the nephew of her's. I needed to see Kellin, when I walked inside he was at her casket. I moved closer and saw him fall to his knees and burst into tears. I stood back and watched him, he ended up running out the room. I followed him, only to see him climb into a car and put his head down as he cried.
I stood outside of the building and watched him. I longed to go and comfort him. Everyone soon started to leave and head towards the church for the funeral. I followed behind the car Kellin was in. I walked inside, along with everyone else and sat at the back. I didn't want to be noticed. I watched as everyone talked about his mom and I watched him.
He was shaking his head at some of the things they were saying. When his father went up, I could have sworn I heard him call his father out on bullshit. When it came time for Kellin to speak I was surprised. He held nothing back. He began to cuss and call everyone out. I had never seen this side of him before.
He was in tears and still continued, even when the priest tried to make him stop. Gasps filled the church when he pointed to his father. He told him that it should have been him who died. He told his father he hated him. I couldn't believe Kellin at this point, he was at the lowest point of his life. I began to cry as he broke down and ran from the stage and out the doors.
I wanted to follow but I knew I would be noticed. His dad excused his behavior and they carried on with the ceremony. When it was finished, I left first to get to the cemetery. I saw Kellin sitting underneath a tree, I was about to approach him, when the car with the casket pulled up. I stayed back and watched as the priest spoke of his mom who's name was Karen.
Kellin stood back and watched as everyone looked onto the casket. I didn't know what to do, I waited until everything was finished. The crowd of people started to walk away, and Kellin started to come forward. He got on his knees and rubbed the casket. He opened it and looked inside. He caressed his mom's face and cried into her chest.
I felt shitty for everything I had done to him. I remembered the day I met Kellin in the store, how I fucked with him. I teased and bullied him behind his mom's back. I called him a momma's boy. I walked over to him and touched his shoulder, he jumped. He turned around and saw it was me and his face went stone cold and emotionless.
"What do you want? Are you here to call me a momma's boy again? Go ahead." He laid back down on her chest and I heard him sniffle.
"No, I came to tell you I'm sorry." I kneeled down beside him and was about to rub his back when he got angered.
"It's too late for that. So take your fucking apology and shove it up your ass. I don't need your sympathy." He didn't look at me, he tended to her lifeless body.
"Kellin, I'm sorry." I pleaded. I was sorry, for everything I've ever done
"Vic, I don't care. Just leave me alone." I didn't want to argue with him, I'll just give him his space. I didn't want to stress him anymore than I already did.
I went home and locked myself in my room. I had been doing this for several days, it was the only way to make sure I was safe. I couldn't go to Kellin's or Jaime's so this was the last resort. Mike would come and spend the night in my room, he didn't want to be alone. Dad would beat on the door, yelling for us to open up. We would ignore him and go to sleep.
One day, I forgot to close the door and he came in with a pan. He had been cooking with it, he started to beat me with it. He drank a lot, since he lost his job. The day I came home that morning, he had just got laid off. The company was shutting down because of funds and he lost his job. He took all his anger out on me, it wasn't as bad as now. Then, he wasn't drunk, now he drank all the time.
I took my beatings without a problem, I just didn't want Mike to get them. A few days had gone by and I got beat everyday. Mike came home one afternoon without me, he went upstairs and our dad caught him. He started to beat him up and nearly killed him. When I came home, Mike was on the floor, unconscious. I found dad in the den drinking. I went in and took all my built up anger and beat the shit out of him. I was done with everything.
When it was clear that he was unconscious himself, I called the police.
"Can you please send someone? My dad beat my brother unconscious."
'Where is your dad? Is your brother breathing?'
"Yes, he is. And I beat him up for doing this to my brother."
'Okay, we have officers and an ambulance on the way.'
"Thank you."
I took Mike into my arms and rocked him.
"We'll be okay Mikey. I'll protect you."