I just break down in tears. In front of him. The one who made my loss.
All what I've been keeping inside of me goes out with my tears. The fears, the doubts, the pain, everything leaves me with the water that flows down my cheeks. That same water I've been drowning in for a long time, while he was next to me, helping me. That's what was happening this whole time, each time I was rejecting him and pulling him away from me, I was drowning just a bit more until I gave in. Until my body and mind couldn't follow me anymore.
His huge hands pull me by my shoulders in his strong and warm arms that surround me by each of my sides, my head buried against his chest.
None of us talks and my sobs are the only noise in the room. He knows how broken I am but has no idea what's going on. I was arguing with him only 10 minutes ago and now he's cheering me up by rubbing my back.
What am I doing ?
I'm doing everything in the wrong way since Cameron let me come back.
I couldn't imagine, even in a million years, that I would be that lost without my daily benchmarks around me.
We stand here, in the middle of the condo, for a moment until he breaks this silence we've been lost in since I started crying.
"Lys..." he says in a whisper with still his chin leaning on my head. "Why are you crying?? I never wanted to break up..." he stops and moves his hands to my cheeks to make me look at him. "I should be the one crying..." he continues with the same whisper.
Looking straight into his eyes, I get lost in them and all I want is to never leave them.
"Because I love you but I can't stay with you." I admit and bury my face back against his chest and surround his torso with my arms. I hug him as tight as I can, only to remember.
Unfortunately, this embrace, as comforting as it can be, is broken by his arms pulling me away. He puts his hands on my shoulders and looks at me, confused.
"Why? Why would you leave if you love me?? Alyssa I don't understand you and you're driving me crazy with all the secrets you hide from me! I won't judge, or blame you, if there's any issue just tell me and we'll figure out a solution together. Alyssa, you're destroying me as much as you're destroying yourself." He says, raising his voice probably because he's losing his patience.
I step back and look down at my feet questioning myself and taking a decision I'll probably regret.
"I don't wanna talk about it now..." I mumble, not raising my head to him.
As soon as these words comes out my mouth a weight leaves my shoulders.
"So- so you're staying? You're staying with me, right?" He asks quickly, and raises my head to him with his finger under my chin.
I nod and a sigh I didn't think he was holding back, leaves his lips that crash on my forehead right before he hugs me tight. My head finds back its place on his chest and I hear his heartbeat slowing down as if it was racing the whole time I wasn't with him. This heartbeat I slept to so many times so much the melody is relaxing.
We stay close to each other as tight as possible in this light silence. No sobs, no shouting. All this heavy atmosphere leaves the condo.
"Shawn?..." I ask and pull out to look him in the eyes. He nods and listens to what I have to say. "I'm sorry... I- i didn't want to hurt you when I called you... I didn't mean it, i would have never in a million years because it breaks me to know that I could have hurt you... I'm sorry..." i say and i hold new tears in the back of my eyes because I don't wanna cry. We reunited and i should be the happiest instead of crying. "I said horrible things" I whisper, lowering my head, not to meet his gaze.
"Why did you tell me all of this if you didn't want to hurt me?" He asks but I do not reply, "you know what, don't answer. I know that something happened but you're not gonna tell me. Your words hurt me... for sure but so many other little details made me doubt... And you don't have to tell me now if you don't want to but you'll have to, sooner or later." He says and lowers his head as well to look at me instead of making me raise up my gaze to him.
I'll never tell him but if I don't find an excuse that can explain everything, his doubts will grow and I can't let this happen.
"My parents." I say, looking up at him, as soon as this idea pops up in my mind. He frowns in confusion but I clear it up. "I saw my parents together in the bleachers and i remembered all the moments I had with them, before... you know... and I don't know why I-" I try to explain but he cuts me off before I have the time to finish.
"Stop it, Alyssa. I don't believe you! Why don't you want to tell me what happened??" Shawn asks, his anger showed with his raised voice, again.
"Stop wanting to know everything Shawn! I told you that nothing happened, just leave it!" I raise my voice as well because he can insist as many times as he wants, I won't say anything.
He steps back and runs both of his hands in his hair.
"Yeah I don't want to fight with you again, it's no use anyway..." he says and puts off his jacket and shoes. "I'm going to sleep... it's late and I have things to do tomorrow." He says, checking the time on his phone and he heads to the bedroom right after I nod.
When I'm alone in the living room, I sighs and fall on the couch, losing myself on it. I rub my eyes and hide my head on my hands.
I need to see Liam and my parents, i can't stay like that, far from them. And even though I got hurt and i don't understand what they're doing, i love them, even my dad. I want to erase all the negativity from my life and be happy. I want to feel light and for that, I should start with the closest people to me before I try to end all the shit i got in with Cameron. Maybe there will be a day I'll be fully happy and I wish it'll come as soon as possible. It has to.
I run my hands in my hair and stands up to take off my coat and my shoes, just like Shawn did a few seconds ago. I take the bag I packed when I was about to leave and get ready to go to bed.
What if he doesn't want me to sleep next to him? Maybe he doesn't want me anymore. I wouldn't be surprised, to be honest.
I get out of the bathroom and knock on the bedroom's door but I get no reply so I just open it slowly. Shawn is laying on the bed but I can't tell if he's sleeping since his back is facing the door. I put down the bag on the floor and bypass the bed to get to the right side. His eyes are closed and his breath is steady which makes a smile grow on my face. A smile that fades away when he turns around when I get in the bed.
Under the blanket and laying on my back, i stare at the ceiling but then I turn to face Shawn's back.
this gesture, as insignificant as it is, hurts me and I realize how much I've screwed up. and how much I upset the kindest person with the most beautiful heart in the world. I realize then how much I want to find my Shawn, the one I had never hurt before. I look at his back, wondering how a person so close to me, in this bed, can actually seem so far from me. How can I sleep in the same bed as him but feel him move away a little more. a knot forms in my throat but I let out the tears that I held when I was alone in the living room. silent tears that can only be dried up by his love and his arms around me. instead, he hides from me and turns his back on me but I can not even blame him since it's all my fault.
"I love you, with all my heart..." I say, thinking he's asleep and get up. When I arrive to the door I open it but before I get out, I apologize once again. "I'm sorry" I say and get out.
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Hi lovely people!!!! I hope you enjoyed this new chapter and I'm sorry if you waited for too long BUT you can read my new story that I started to update at the same time as this one!! It's called TWO WORLDS, ONE LOVE. and it's another fan fiction!!!
Love you all!!
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