Faith's POV
"Faith?"
I look up and Buffy is standing over me.
"It's okay now, you can come in."
She puts her hand out and I take it as she helps me up. We go into Buffy's dorm room.
Okay? Things are okay? How can things be okay? She just, she just threw her roommate out of her own room for me. How can I be okay with that?
"I'll be back in a second okay?"
Okay?
"Y-Yeah, I guess... yeah."
She goes into her dresser and pulls out what looks like her pajamas.
Is that all she's gonna wear?
She closes the door to the bathroom.
Why is she doing this? All I've done since coming to this town is cause problems for her. Her friends are abandoning her over their hatred of me. Why would she do something like this? If these dreams I keep having are memories then Buffy and I weren't the best of friends, maybe even enemies, so why is she going out of her way to help me? I've done nothing but destroy her life.
I-I can't let her do this. I have to do something to stop her from ruining her life. Buffy told me she and her friends have known each other forever. They're probably just really concerned for her because they hate me so much. She's a good person, I can tell, she wouldn't listen if I told her to stop being so nice to me... but I've gotta do something. What if I just left? I could just disappear and start a new life somewhere else. I don't have any I.D., I could just make up a new name and no one would ever find me. It... It's the only way.
I start toward the door and I hear one open. I grab the doorknob.
"Faith? Where are you going?"
Tell a lie... She'll believe it.
"I-I was just gonna, gonna go see if there was another bathroom down the hall."
I look over at her.
She doesn't look like she believes me.
"You could've just waited until I was finished."
She takes a few steps out of the way.
"Go ahead."
"Nah, it's cool."
Great, you just blew your whole lie.
"Faith? Why were you really leaving?"
I take a deep breath.
You fucked up the lie, time to be honest.
"Why are you doing this?"
Who said I was the one being honest?
"Doing what? Going to bed?"
I take a few steps away from the door, towards Buffy.
"You know what I mean."
She looks at me weird.
"No, I don't."
"Y-you just threw your own roommate out so I have a place to sleep, how am I supposed to feel about that?"
"She decided to leave on her own. I didn't throw anyone out. I would think you'd feel better knowing you had a place to sleep tonight."
"This isn't about having a place to sleep. I'm ruining your life."
"Ruining my... why the hell would you think you were ruining my life?'
Why? What the hell kinda question is that?
"All of your friends hate me, and I'm pretty sure they're starting to hate you because you're going out of your way to help me. How can I NOT ruining your life?"
"Me and Will have been through worse together and we've come through okay. A few bumps and bruises but it's nothing we can't handle. Life goes on, you know?"
"Well, no, I don't know. I mean your friends... you told me before that you've known them for years and I can barely remember anything that happened before a couple days ago..."
Oh shit, you probably shouldn't have said that, change the subject.
"Barely?"
Yes... change the subject before...
"Faith, are you saying you're starting to remember stuff?"
"I-yes-no... Buffy I'm tired."
I turn away from her and take a few steps.
Good, get away from the topic.
Buffy grabs me and spins me around to face me.
"Faith, be honest with me. Are you getting your memory back?"
"I don't... I'm not sure... I don't know. I-I keep having these... dreams..."
"Having dreams? Having dreams about what?"
"I said... I'm not sure, I-I'm not sure if they are memories or not."
I don't know, I really don't know.
"Well what were they about? Maybe I can tell you if it was a memory or not. Was I there?"
"It was really blurry... I don't know."
I never promised I was gonna be honest with her.
"You don't remember anything?"
"No I... I remembered them at the time but the more I get away from them, the less I remember them."
If I tell her I still remember, this is just going to keep going. And I'm not sure I feel up to actually going through it.
"Look, I'm tired I... I need to-to pass out or something."
She watches me for a moment and I try to look convincing.
"Okay, let's go to bed."
Wait... she totally avoided my question.
"Wait, you never answered me."
"What?"
She never answered me.
"I asked you why you were doing this and you didn't answer me."
"Faith I did answer the question but if you want to argue about it we can do that tomorrow, right now... I'm tired."
She totally avoided it again.
"No, hey... I answered all your questions and you didn't answer mine. Why are you doing this?"
She steps away and starts toward her bed.
"Let's talk about this tomorrow okay Faith?"
"No, why are you doing this?"
She wouldn't let up on me and I'm not gonna let up on her.
"This isn't something we need to talk about now."
"Why are you doing this? Just tell me."
"Because it's my fault!"
Her fault?
"What's your fault?"
"I'm the reason you're even here in the first place."
"What do you mean you're the reason? Did you do this to me? I thought it was the cult who did this to me? And the so called powers that be. Were you a part of that?"
Okay maybe that's going a little too far.
"No, not really but... I might as well have. I-I put you in a coma."
What?
"What are you talking about?"
"You and I didn't get along that well..."
"We were enemies?"
"No it... it wasn't so much that we, we weren't enemies. We were just... we were starting..."
She's trying not to upset me, why?
"We were starting to get along but... but then..."
"But then I killed someone..."
That dream, with the alley... that was a memory? How many others are real? What if they're all real?
"Y-Yeah... and then the whole thing with the mayor..."
"The mayor? What happened with the mayor?"
"He was evil and tried to destroy the town. I had to stop him."
"And?"
"And... and you got in the way."
I was in the way?
"In the way how?"
"Faith I'm not sure this is such a good idea."
She's still trying not to push me, just get it out already.
"Look... Buffy, I can't apologize for what I did to you if I can't remember what I did to you."
"This isn't about what you did to me, this about what I did to you. Y-You and I started fight-fighting... because you joined up with the mayor, and..."
"And what? What happened between us?"
"You tried to kill me, and eventually, I tried to kill you, except... well I got closer to killing you than you did to me. I... I stabbed you, and... pushed you off a four story balcony."
She pushed me off a balcony?
I feel that boiling feeling inside me.
No I won't do it. Not again.
I clench my fist and try to stop the boiling feeling inside. I take a deep breath and feel the boiling slowly simmer down.
"You pushed me off a balcony?"
She comes up to me and takes my hands. I look into her eyes and she looks into mine.
"Yes and... and I'm sorry."
She's sorry? I can see it in her eyes that she means it. If I really did all these things, then it's not her fault at all. It's my fault. She shouldn't be sorry, it's my fault.
"Buffy, if I was helping an evil monster, then what happened is my fault and I deserved it."
"But... but I didn't, I didn't have to try and kill you... We could've talked about what happened, worked through it like we're working through this now."
She's still blaming herself, I have to stop her.
She looks down at the floor in shame. I put my hand under her chin and raise it so she's looking at me.
"I'm sure you did everything you could. If I was helping someone who was evil, I probably did a lot of things I probably shouldn't. I probably did things to you that pushed you to do what you did. Besides, you can't blame yourself for my mistakes."
"That's what Giles said."
He may not like me very much but at least we agree on something.
She sort of half smiles at me and chuckles.
"What?"
"It's just, well, you don't sound like the Faith I know."
"I'm not the Faith you know. I don't remember anything about the person I used to be, except what you tell me. It's not your fault for what I did, it's mine."
"I know but..."
I move closer to her.
"Buffy, it's not your fault... but if you feel so bad..."
I put my hands on her shoulders.
"I forgive you."
"Thank you Faith... but you may feel differently when you get your memory back."
She's right, I might feel differently.
"Maybe I will, maybe I won't, but for right now... I forgive you."
Things might change tomorrow but for today I forgive her, if only to stop her from helping me out of guilt.
"Thanks Faith, I appreciate that. Okay... it's late, we're tired, and I think it's time to go to bed."
I feel kinda light headed. Yeah I'm more tired than I thought.
I yawn.
Yup, I'm definitely tired.
"Okay, but I'm not sleeping in the other bed."
"Why not?"
"Well if Willow came in and saw me sleeping in her bed..."
"I get it. Where are you gonna sleep?"
"The floor will be fine. All I need is some sheets."
"I got that covered."
She goes to her closet and takes out some sheets and an extra pillow. She comes back and hands them to me.
"Here..."
"Thanks."
I take them and start getting ready for bed. She gets into bed. As I lay down I look up at the ceiling.
"Good night Faith."
"Good night Buffy."
I guess I'm not the only one with a past to get over.
I close my eyes.