Hey guys, so I would just like to put a trigger warning at the beginning of this. So if you do get triggered easily, skip this.
This is all about my real self. And if you really care, then stay and read on. Basically I wanted to explain/apologize for being so happy and lying about it. Don't worry, I'll explain.
First off, I'm not happy. I'm the opposite actually. The truth is, I'm depressed. I'm so fucking depressed. And as for the reason I seem so happy in my authors notes, is because that's who I wanted you to think I am. But you guys deserve more, you deserve the truth. And I'm going to tell you the whole story now.
It started the beginning of last year. I started having feelings for this girl (who will go unnamed) and I was so confused. At the time, I had no idea what the hell was happening to my heart when I saw her, I just knew it was something I couldn't shake off. I couldn't just get rid of it. And I was scared.
A few months later, I still couldn't take my eyes off this girl, and I finally decided to sort my feelings out. I looked in the mirror when I got home, and said the words 'I'm gay' and after telling myself that over and over again, it felt right. But, I was terrified to tell anyone else, and I hated myself for that. I hated not being who I am in public and being gay. So, I cut for the first time.
It felt amazing. It was like everything in the world had just gone away, and it was the first time I felt bliss. I finally had a getaway. So, I did it again, and again, and again. And I became hooked. I still cut today.
Not so much of being gay anymore, but because I hated everything about myself. I hated how fat I was, how boring I was, how unwanted and annoying I was. I am. I just found a way to cope with it.
After that, I had returned to school with a heavy pain in my heart. Because the girl that I liked, got a boyfriend. Yep. It broke my heart. I cut even more than usual that day, and I actually blacked out. No one found me though and I woke up a few hours later.
And onto the present day, I still have depression, anxiety, and I self harm. But, that's how I cope with things. It makes me feel alive just for a second, and I can't stop. I'm sorry. But I can't change. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for being fucked up, I'm sorry for being born, I'm sorry for existing.
Still in the present, I have some exciting news. I have a girlfriend. If you want me to ramble/describe/talk about her, let me know. Because I sure as hell want to. Anyways, I'm sorry this was long and depressing but if you want a happier note, (girlfriend) then tell me. And I'll update with that again today. Bye.