"He told me. If I reported them ever or told my father about anything, they did in the college. They would post those pictures on the college walls. They would show the world how good son my father has" RK
"What did you do?" Madhu
"I didn't do anything. I was totally broken and devastated. I wasn't scared from them or their threat. I was so sad and so angry that they broke my trust. I trusted them and they betrayed me.
Like any other. Like my mother betrayed me and left me. Like my father betrayed me and left me. Like all my friends from high school and college who betrayed me. I hated myself for needing anyone. I hated myself for trusting anyone.
I stayed in my room for two days. I refused to talk, eat, or even see anyone. The servants called my father and told him about me. He was out of the country like always.
He came as soon as he could. He tried to talk with me. He asked me what happened. I didn't reply him. I didn't want to talk to him. I hated him too. I hated everyone. He didn't leave me. He asked me again and again what happened. I found the only way to shut him up was to pretend nothing happened. I told him nothing. I told him it was a small problem with one of my friends in college. I even told him I'm hungry to stop his doubtful looks." RK
"Did he believe you?" Madhu
"Of course he didn't. He just didn't know what else he could do to make me talk. He started his investigations. He asked the servants what happened. The one who saw Varun with me told him I came back drunk. He felt something was fishy. He knew I never drink.
Next day he didn't go to the college alone as usual. He waited for me. We even had our breakfast together. I was wearing long sleeves shirt that day. When I stretched my arm to grab the water jug, he noticed the cuts in my arm." RK
"What cuts? Did you attempt suicide?" Madhu was shocked
"No I didn't try to kill myself. I just used to cut myself." RK
"Why?" Madhu
"I don't know. It used to ease the pain I felt inside me this way. Watching the blood oozing from my cuts was like watching the pain leaking from my soul. Maybe the physical pain subsided the emotional one. I didn't know and I didn't care why I did it. But it was my way to cope with the unbearable pain inside me." RK
"Did you do it a lot?" Madhu
"Yes. My torso was full of cuts. I used to do it in hidden places in my body. But after what happened I didn't care anymore. That's why I cut on my forearm. I don't why maybe it was my last scream for help. Maybe I knew if I didn't get help I would reach the no return point. I just didn't hide it anymore" RK
"What did he do when he saw your wounds?" Madhu
"He held my hand, rolled up my sleeve and saw more cuts and scratches. He ordered me to remove my shirt. I did as he said. He saw my body full of cuts and scratches. Some old and some fresh. Some deep and long cuts and some just small scratches." RK
"Did you cut yourself long and deep cuts? How could you bear the pain?" Madhu
"Like I told you the physical pain subsided the emotional one. So the bigger the pain I feel inside me the longer and deeper the cut I do to myself. But I wasn't stupid I knew where to cut and how. I didn't want to end up in hospital." RK
"What did he say?" Madhu
"He said nothing. He couldn't find the words. His eyes said everything. I will never forget the look on his eyes when he saw my body. He was shocked, disappointed, sad, helpless, and failed. For the first time in my life, I saw tears in his eyes. He even didn't cry when his mother died or when my mother left us. At least not in front me. But this moment I felt that I stabbed him. I felt his pain for me. For the first time we shared a feeling. We shared the pain." RK
"He didn't do anything or say anything?" Madhu
"He treated the fresh cuts and asked me to wear my shirt again." RK
"Then What?" Madhu
"We got ready to go to the college. He wanted to go with me in my car not with the driver. I think he wanted to talk with me, or ask me about what he saw. But he couldn't.
We stayed silent until my car hit another one on the road. It was the other driver fault not mine. Two young men got out from the other car. It was easy to notice that they were high timber. I got out from my car. Instead of trying to calm them down, I pushed them farther with my words.
I called them blind and stupid. I even gave one of them the first punch. I wanted them to beat me. When they started, I didn't resist. I just stood there and acted like their punch bag." RK
"Why did you want them to beat you?" Madhu
"I wanted to punish myself. I felt guilty for my father pain. I failed him. I wasn't the perfect son he thought he has. And that was my mistake.
I forgot all about my father was with me and he watched them beating me. He got out of the car immediately and tried to defend me. One of them pushed him and my father fell on his back.
I got angry, very angry seeing my father on the ground. I got up and started to beat them. I couldn't control myself. I beat them both so hard. My father had to remove me from one of them.
He took them both in my car and drove us all to the hospital. He ordered to treat them free and asked them not to file a case against me. They agreed because it was mostly their fault.
Then my father took me home. He locked himself with me in his room. He told me neither of us would leave the room unless I talked. He said we either would not eat or leave. We stayed for hours. I wasn't worry about myself. I can stay for days without food. I was worry about him. He was diabetic. He couldn't stay without food for long.
I decided to tell him everything. I told him what happened to me. I told him about my so called friends. I told him about the drugs in the campus. I didn't hide anything from him. He made me promise him to love myself. To take care of myself. No matter what happen I never ever punish myself like that again. Only then we left the room and he ate." RK
"What did he do with them?" Madhu
"We never talked about this topic again. I never knew what he did with them. But when I went back to college two day after that day they weren't there. And I started new relation with my father after that day." RK
"A father and son relationship?" Madhu
"No. We never had typical father and son relationship. We have a different relationship." RK
"How is it different?" Madhu
"Our relation is not based on love like any other father and son. It is based on respect. I know he loves me and he knows I love him. But neither of us show this love.
We can talk for hours about books, political topics, or new medical researches. But we never share our feeling about anything. I know he is there to support me whenever I need him. And I the same for him." RK
Madhu couldn't say anything. She just stared in his eyes. Then she hugged him. He laid down on his back and Madhu's head rested on his chest. They stayed silent for few minutes. RK was staring at the ceiling and Madhu was hugging him. Then RK broke the silence and asked her
"Do you remember when I met you years ago? When we had that fight and you passed out in my office." RK
"Yes I remember." Madhu
"It was the first time I heard my father said that he was proud of me. It was the first time he said that he loves me. You can't imagine how happy I was that time hearing him saying that." RK
Madhu raised her head and looked at him in the eyes
"I'm sorry Rishabh that I reminded you with all that hard time. That is why you don't trust others easily." Madhu
"Yes. The best way to not got hurt is not to trust others or allow them to be close to you. If I trust someone and they break my trust, I will remove them from my life completely. No matter who that person is. The unforgivable sin for me is to break my trust. I can bear someone I hate. But I can't bear talking with someone betrayed my trust. Trust is hard to build easy to break." RK
Madhu hugged him tighter, kissed him and showed him how grateful she was for supporting her and trusting her all the time. She tried to take all his pain away. She showed him how he could trust her by giving him all she has. She gave him her heart, her feeling, her trust, and her body
At dawn
Madhu woke up alone in the room. She got up and searched for RK in the house. She found him in his study room writing something
"Are you ok?" Madhu
"Yes. I just woke up and couldn't sleep again" RK
"Do you want me stay with you?" Madhu
"No it is ok. You go and sleep. I'm writing few things and I will come to bed" RK
"OK" Madhu
She left him and went back to their room. She grabbed her diary and started to write in it
Dear diary
Hearing Rishabh talking about his past was so hard. I never imagined how hard his life was. I always knew he was not spoiled rich kid. But I never thought that he suffered that much.
I just know that attractive, strong, caring, understanding, successful and independent person. I never thought of what hard times shaped that personality to be perfect like that.
He has all the right to have this trust issue. I can't blame him for not trusting others easily. But knowing that brings a question to me. Why does he trust me? Why did he choose to marry me? What did he see in me made him break his code of not trusting others?
I'm a very simple girl with a very simple life. Even my dreams are very simple. I never dreamed to be his wife. I never dreamed to live this life. He is so perfect. And I'm just ordinary girl. What could I give to him? He gave me everything. And I have nothing to give to him. How I ended up with such a man?
And I was complaining that he is not romantic. How stupid I was. The one who used to tell me all the sweet talks was a big liar and pervert. He just wanted to take advantage of me to reach his goal and work in this hospital.
And Rishabh. The one who doesn't show his love. Doesn't speak with it. Doesn't fake complements. He was there for me like always. He was the rock stone I lean on in this cruel life. He defended me, supported me, and trusted me all the time.
What if he can't show his love, but I am sure he loves me. All his life he didn't have anyone to love him. All his life he was searching for love and he never found it. He didn't know how to show love. He didn't know how to show affection. He didn't find anyone to show him how to love.
It is my duty now. I must show him how it feels to be loved. I must shower him with my love. I must give him all the love he needed in his life. I must prove to him that I'm worth the love and the trust he gave to me.
For the first time he opened his heart to me last night. And I can't let it be the last time. I must trust him wholly and completely. I must share everything in my mind and my heart with him. I can't hide any little detail from him. Rishabh is my teacher, my husband, my love, and now my friend. I don't need any other friend. He is my only and best friend.
Dear diary:
It was very hard for me to talk about my past. I never told anyone about it before. For the first time I shared my pain and my feeling with someone. The first time to show my weakness to anyone.
But Madhu is not just anyone. She is my wife. And I trust her. I shared my past with her, to make my first step to be her friend. I don't want her to search for another friend out of our relation. I have to be her friend not only her husband.
I have to make her comfortable with me to share anything with me. And I had to do it first for her. I saw if a married couples don't trust each other and share all their problems and fears, what will happen to them.
If Madhu scared to tell me, about Kabir and what he did with her. She would end up like those other women with him. She would be forced to affair with him and I wouldn't know anything. She would live under his mercy and I wouldn't do anything.
Thank God, we have trust that made her tell me what happened that day. I want her to share every little detail with me. I want to know anything in her mind or her heart. I have to. To be able to help her any time she needs me. But to make her do that I have to do the same.
But to say the truth. As much as it was hard for me to talk about my hidden wounds. It helped me and I felt relieved after that. Talking with someone about your feeling and your pain, really reduce it so much.
I just hope that Madhu worth my trust in her. I hope I never regret giving her the power over my heart and my life. I still can't forget that she loved someone else and maybe he is still in her heart. I can't forget the possibility that she can leave me one day to be with her love. I hope that day never come. But I'm really scared from that day. Please Madhu don't break my heart again.