Dear Diary

FATHER AND SON

"He told me. If I reported them ever or told my father about anything, they did in the college. They would post those pictures on the college walls. They would show the world how good son my father has" RK

"What did you do?" Madhu

"I didn't do anything. I was totally broken and devastated. I wasn't scared from them or their threat. I was so sad and so angry that they broke my trust. I trusted them and they betrayed me.

Like any other. Like my mother betrayed me and left me. Like my father betrayed me and left me. Like all my friends from high school and college who betrayed me. I hated myself for needing anyone. I hated myself for trusting anyone.

I stayed in my room for two days. I refused to talk, eat, or even see anyone. The servants called my father and told him about me. He was out of the country like always.

He came as soon as he could. He tried to talk with me. He asked me what happened. I didn't reply him. I didn't want to talk to him. I hated him too. I hated everyone. He didn't leave me. He asked me again and again what happened. I found the only way to shut him up was to pretend nothing happened. I told him nothing. I told him it was a small problem with one of my friends in college. I even told him I'm hungry to stop his doubtful looks." RK

"Did he believe you?" Madhu

"Of course he didn't. He just didn't know what else he could do to make me talk. He started his investigations. He asked the servants what happened. The one who saw Varun with me told him I came back drunk. He felt something was fishy. He knew I never drink.

Next day he didn't go to the college alone as usual. He waited for me. We even had our breakfast together. I was wearing long sleeves shirt that day. When I stretched my arm to grab the water jug, he noticed the cuts in my arm." RK

"What cuts? Did you attempt suicide?" Madhu was shocked

"No I didn't try to kill myself. I just used to cut myself." RK

"Why?" Madhu

"I don't know. It used to ease the pain I felt inside me this way. Watching the blood oozing from my cuts was like watching the pain leaking from my soul. Maybe the physical pain subsided the emotional one. I didn't know and I didn't care why I did it. But it was my way to cope with the unbearable pain inside me." RK

"Did you do it a lot?" Madhu

"Yes. My torso was full of cuts. I used to do it in hidden places in my body. But after what happened I didn't care anymore. That's why I cut on my forearm. I don't why maybe it was my last scream for help. Maybe I knew if I didn't get help I would reach the no return point. I just didn't hide it anymore" RK

"What did he do when he saw your wounds?" Madhu

"He held my hand, rolled up my sleeve and saw more cuts and scratches. He ordered me to remove my shirt. I did as he said. He saw my body full of cuts and scratches. Some old and some fresh. Some deep and long cuts and some just small scratches." RK

"Did you cut yourself long and deep cuts? How could you bear the pain?" Madhu

"Like I told you the physical pain subsided the emotional one. So the bigger the pain I feel inside me the longer and deeper the cut I do to myself. But I wasn't stupid I knew where to cut and how. I didn't want to end up in hospital." RK

"What did he say?" Madhu

"He said nothing. He couldn't find the words. His eyes said everything. I will never forget the look on his eyes when he saw my body. He was shocked, disappointed, sad, helpless, and failed. For the first time in my life, I saw tears in his eyes. He even didn't cry when his mother died or when my mother left us. At least not in front me. But this moment I felt that I stabbed him. I felt his pain for me. For the first time we shared a feeling. We shared the pain." RK