Dear Diary

SHOWING UP

Dear Diary

I know he doesn't mean what he said. I know he loves me. I see it in everything he does. I saw it when I was absent from this world. I saw it in his touches.

But knowing that he doesn't mean what he said doesn't make it hurt less. It is still hurt a lot hearing that he doesn't love me anymore. It hurts me every time he rejects my love.

I know I did that to him. I know I hurt him badly. But I know he doesn't revenge me. He is better than that. He doesn't mean to hurt me.

Why does he do that? Why does he hide his feeling? What can I do to make him trust me again? What can I do to make him let his feeling go?

I was so happy today seeing him. I missed him so much. And when I hugged him I felt how much he missed me. I saw it in his eyes.

Suddenly I don't know what happened. He just got back to his cold heart mask. And reminded me with his stupid conditions. No love no kids. What will he do now when I tell him that we will have a baby? Will he be happy with the news or will he hold on his conditions?

Can he ask me for apportion? OMG no he won't do something like that. He loves kids. He loves me. He can't ask me to kill our baby. I'm sure he will never think about that.

You know he feel something and says another thing. What will happen if he asked you to have apportion? Even if he doesn't mean it. Even if you won't do it eventually. Can you bear to hear it from him? Can you handle the pain? If he asked you to do it.

No I can't. If he says it, I will be hurt badly. It will scar his love in my heart forever.

I'm sure he will be happy with my pregnancy. I'm sure he will love our son. But he feels something and says another. And I can't take the chance to ask me to kill our baby.

I won't tell him about my pregnancy until the first three months pass. I already passed month and half. I will hide it for another month and half. When I get sure he will never ask me for apportion. I will tell him. Not before that.

But he has all the right to know that he will be a father. I can't hide this from him. It is unfair for him.

It is the only way to protect our baby and our love. I had to do it. I love him and I trust his heart. But I don't trust his tongue which saying what he doesn't mean

Dear Diary

I missed this house. I missed being here. I missed her. I missed her laugh, her smell, her smile, everything about her. I never thought I would miss her that much.

For whole week I didn't see her. I felt it as a year not only week. When I saw her running to me, my heart danced happily. When she came into my arms. I felt that I have the whole world between my arms. When she hugged me, I forgot everything and just wanted this moment to last forever. I was content.

Then I remembered everything. I remembered that she will leave me forever one day. If only one week did that to me. What will I do when she leaves me forever?

Every time she gets closer to me. It hurts me more and more knowing that, she will leave me one day. When she hugged me, she woke my feelings for her in my heart. The feelings that I'm fighting and suppressing in my heart.

I love her. I can't deny that. But I don't want this love. I don't accept this love. I don't want to need her in my life. I must learn how to live without her. Must immunize my heart from her love.

I know I hurt her with my words. But I did it to protect my heart. I never wanted to hurt her. But being close to her hurts me badly. I can't take it anymore.