Lonely together
-
Nico spent a lot of time being in love with a boy who couldn't love him back. A boy with big green eyes and dark hair that curled when it got too long and strong shoulders who he could tell anything to. Except that he couldn't tell him everything, because in the end, despite all the kisses on the cheek and the brushing of fingers and the hand holding, Percy was in love with a girl.
Nico could remember standing there in his flat the June night when it had all fallen apart. He was drunk, but not really drunk enough to warrant his actions. A much more sober Percy had walked him to his door, a steadying hand on his lower back as he guided the stumbling boy into his apartment, smiling indulgently as Nico slurred nonsense at him.
"You going to be alright by yourself, Nico?" Percy asked, arms crossed over his chest.
"I don't know, you might have to tuck me in." Nico replied with a smile, slipping his dark blue jacket off and letting it fall to the floor.
"I'm sure you'll manage." Percy replied, his biceps flexing as he stretched his arms above his head, yawning widely. He'd looked really beautiful then, the lamplight casting shadows across his firm body. His eyes caught Nico's, wide and glassy and filled with a sincerity that made the words tumble from Nico's mouth before he could stop them.
"I'm in love with you." And Nico wanted to take them back, to push them back down his throat and lock them away forever, but it was too late, and Percy's eyes were widening first with surprise and then deep sympathetic sadness. And that was what hurt the most. Because Percy wasn't horrified or disgusted with Nico. That would have been easier.
"Oh Nico." He whispered softly and suddenly Nico could feel the tears prick at the backs of his eyes but damnit he was not going to cry, not in front of Percy. He opened his mouth, denials on his lips, but it was pointless. Percy could see through him, could see the truth is his eyes and he knew how much this was killing him and it killed Percy too, because he'd never be able to love Nico back, not matter how much he wanted to.
"I'm so sorry." He whispered, holding his arms out to the dark haired boy. "I'm so so sorry."
And it was so typical Percy, so stupidly caring and sweet and accepting that Nico fell into his arms and squeezed his eyes shut as his eyelashes grew wet with tears he wouldn't let spill. His hands balled up in the soft cotton of Percy's tee shirt, his head resting in the crook of Percy's shoulder as he clung to him, feeling the low rumbling of Percy's voice as he apologized over and over for something that was never his fault.
xx
Percy never told the boys about that night. After he left, leaving Nico to lay on his kitchen floor and think about all the things he should have done differently, he never spoke of it again. Nico knew he remembered, he'd see it in his eyes sometimes when Percy looked at him, accompanied by a worry that made him want to rip his insides out, but he never spoke a word.
xx
It was odd, he didn't think he'd ever really seen Jason until that night. Of course he'd seen him, but he'd just been his mate, the laughing roman who was always up for a pint.
They were all together talking about relationships as if it was the most amazing thing ever, something Nico couldn't talk about, until Leo turned to him and started asking things.
So he got up halfway through a question, quietly sliding out of his chair and ignoring Frank's confused glance and Percy's panicked stare and slipping out the door with no explanation whatsoever. The boys would cover for him and, though he felt bad for putting them on the spot, he just couldn't do it anymore.
He walked the halls, eyes on his shoes as he headed for the door, his hands fishing in his pockets for a cigarette. He pushed through the double doors into the bitter rush of winter, the half melted slush on the sidewalk sticking to the sides of his Nike's as he made his way towards a small alleyway.
He sunk against the brick, wishing. It wasn't a wish for anything in particular, just an intangible prayer for something better, something that replaced the dull ache in his chest every time he thought of the boy who could never love him back. Something that would fix the way he fell asleep in the early hours of the morning tangled in his sheets, tired, wasted, and terribly alone.
He heard the sound of the door slamming open and footsteps and then Jason's blonde head came bouncing past the mouth of the alley, only to come winging into Jason's hideaway, concern evident in his eyes, his breaths quick and sending curls of water vapor into the cold air.
"Nico!"
Nico just stared up at him in silent defeat, trying desperately to light a cigarette with a lighter would not fucking work.
"Are you alright mate?" He asked, voice soft and filled with legitimate concern.
Nico gave a small affirmative head nod, flicking angrily at the lighter, shaking it once, and trying again. "M'fine."
Jason gave him a look that held far too much understanding. "You really love him, don't you?"
His head shot up, blue eyes catching dark brown ones. He thought about pretending he didn't know what the other boy was talking about, play it off as nothing, but he was so bad at that. Nico couldn't pretend. He felt deeply, love that sometimes felt like it would rip him in half if he let it, and he couldn't just shove that down inside of himself. "Even you knew?"
Jason shrugged, his answer as simple and matter of fact as the rest of him. "I'm not as oblivious as I seem."
Nico gave the lighter another irritated shake. "It's not just him."
Jason leaned against the brick on the other side, sticking his hands in the pockets of his cream colored pants. He wasn't wearing his jacket, Nico noticed, just the cardigan he'd worn inside the place, like he'd run right out after him. "So what is it?"
Nico abandoned the lighter in the snow, taking the unlit cigarette from his mouth with no small amount of venom. "I don't even know, I'm just, I-" He let his gaze fall to the ground, not wanting to meet Jason's eyes as he spoke the last words, low as a whisper and ringing with truth. "I'm so tired of being lonely."
Jason made a soft sound of sympathy in the back of his throat. "I know." And Jason was always serious, but in that moment he was subdued and sincere, his tone wrapping Nico up in quiet understanding.
Nico could feel the tears as they crept up behind his eyes and really, was he really going to cry again, and apparently he was because tears were sliding down his frozen cheeks and ice was forming in his lashes. He was just tired, so tired of pretending that he was okay going home alone every night and knowing that he didn't have a Hazel to his Frank or a Annabeth to his Percy, that he was just Nico. Only ever just Nico.
Jason's voice had a panicked edge when he spoke again, jolting Nico's head upward to meet wide blue eyes, like the sky on those rare perfectly sunny days. "Nico are you- Christ you're crying. Fuck. Fuck!" And then the blonde had left his place on the brick to bounce in front of Nico, his hands hovering around the dark haired boy's cheeks, like he wanted to physically take his sadness away from him but didn't know how.
"Jason, I'm okay." Nico managed, wiping the salty tears from his cheeks and sniffling once.
"This isn't what okay looks like, Nico!" The blonde replied, his voice still retaining notes of anxiety.
And he was right, but damnit couldn't he just play along? Nico was okay, he was just fucking fine thank you very much. Which was why he couldn't stop crying.
Jason let his formerly panicked hands grasp Nico's jaw, his forefingers falling behind his ears, their faces drawing close together as Jason whispered to him. "I'm right here, okay? I'm right here."
Nico nodded slowly, letting himself get lost in the sound of Jason's voice and the blue of his eyes. He'd stopped his nervous hovering, coming to a rest in front of Nico, his normally expression full of a determination that seemed to fill his very movements. He tilted his head ever so slightly, examining the younger boy with a curious look in his eyes.
He leaned forward with calculated slowness, pressing his lips carefully against Nico's, his pale eyes gauging the other boy's reaction. His lips were warm, just the smallest bit chapped, and Nico felt himself melt against them, letting out a soft gasp against the other boy's mouth.
Jason pulled away, expression uncertain. He looked so small then, his lips impossibly pink, meticulously styled blonde hair already a mess, a blush rising in his cheeks. Though he was one of the most experienced demigoods he had ever met, there was something about Jason that needed protecting. Some kind of innocence and hope that Nico had lost a long time ago, and suddenly wanted to keep safe.
He reached up, threading his arms around Jason's torso and pulling him into Nico so their bodies were flush against each other in the cold. He placed soft kisses up the blonde's cheek to his ear as Jason's hands slid around his neck.
"Jason?"
"Yeah?"
"Can we be lonely together?"
There was a pause, Jason's breathing warm and comforting in his ear as he breathed his reply into Nico's shoulder. "Yes."