Diamonds & Pearls

Diamonds & Pearls (27)-Red Mustangs, Tiger Tattoos, and The Danger of Strangers

Sorry for the way this chapter looks and that it's all spaced out. Wattpad is trippin' on me.

Diamonds & Pearls

Before You Read: Hey guys! Quick reminder here! If you're delaying a prayer right now to read this story, stop whatever you're doing and go pray! Don't let anything take you away from Allah. Especially not this story. Now if you're all prayed up, go ahead and enjoy this chapter.

CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN-Red Mustangs, Tiger Tattoos, and Stranger Danger

            Things changed up a bit after Aiken’s big reappearance. Rafiq seemed relieved to know that Aiken was okay but he refused to open up to me about how he felt about the whole situation. As a matter of fact, he barely talked to me. I tried not to take it personally but I wasn’t used to him shutting me out for no good reason. I think he just needed time to settle his thoughts and that was completely understandable. Cole is a whole other story. We haven’t heard from him at all. Well, if Rafiq had, he didn’t say anything about it. I was worried. I know he eventually mellowed out and accepted his brother back but after the meltdown he’d had in the park, who wouldn’t be a little worried.     

            Zayan was being a complete butthole to me. Well, that was kind of harsh and not entirely true but why did he have to be so adamant about telling our parents the truth. I could see why my parents had to know but couldn’t I just tell them when the time was right for me? Zay has pestered me to no end about confessing to all the mess Rafiq and I have stirred up. Every time he sees me the first thing he asks is if I’ve told them yet. I could tell he was trying to be patient with me but it was bothering him that they didn’t know and I could see it on his face. I had to do it soon. But other than pestering me, he’d been researching colleges again. So far, he hasn’t seemed very optimistic. He’d never had the urge to attend university but he also feels like he needs to. I felt kind of bad. He was also close to landing a possible internship at some big architecture company thing. I knew he really wanted to do that instead. I didn’t really know all the details on his plan if he were to get the internship.

            Zayna has been dealing with college and has been completely swamped with work. But do you know what’s crazy? She’s happy. She is so happy with what she’s doing with her life. She’s happy to be married and she’s overjoyed to be studying at Berkeley. I was happy for my sister, no doubt, but I was also slightly envious that she knew what she wanted to do with her life. I didn’t dwell on how dim my future was probably going to be. I mostly prayed that my sister would continue to accomplish her dreams and gain success. But I couldn’t help but feel like the only failure in the family. All I seemed to be able to do was create trouble and unnecessary problems. The feeling of being deadweight is hard to shake off sometimes.

            Since everything went down, I have been completely unproductive. Sure, I’ve been doing the assignments Jade has been bringing me from school but other than that, I just eat, sleep, and pray. Pretty boring, I know. I wanted to be at school but unfortunately I ended up having to wait an extra week before my parents could talk to the principal about alternate options for my schooling during the remainder of the school year. I’d spent the entire week trying to convince my parents to change their minds but after the situation with Erik, I doubted they’d budge on their decision. On the other hand, I’ve been home alone a lot which is kind of weird. It’s not like our house is really big because it isn’t but with me being the only one around, the house seemed a lot bigger and much quieter. Especially when I woke up in the morning and realized that nobody was home but me.

            I opened my eyes slowly, the bright light shining through the window causing me to blink repetitively. I grunted and turned over in my thick comforter, causing it to tangle my legs within its folds. I closed my eyes again, trying my best to get back to that wonderful land of slumber. Then I realized it was Monday. I shot up out of my bed, my body involuntarily crashing to the floor because of my tangled legs. I detangled myself before stumbling out of my bedroom and down the stairs. I hurried down the hall to my parents’ bedroom and knocked loudly. There was no response. I knocked again before opening the door and walking inside. The bed was made and my parents were gone. They’d already left for the school.

            I ran down the second flight of stairs to the basement and roughly opened Rafiq’s bedroom door. He was gone too. He’d left without waking me. I walked into his makeshift room and plopped onto his bed. It creaked loudly under my weight. They’d left me home so I couldn’t interfere with them deciding my fate today. It wasn’t fair that I had to sit here alone and wait. I wanted to be there with them and I didn’t care how unconventional it was. The doorbell rang suddenly. I got up and walked back upstairs to the main level of the house before fetching a jilbab and hijab. I rushed to the door only to find no one there. I placed the chain on the door securely before opening it.

            No one was there. My stomach flipped nervously and I quickly slammed the door shut before fastening every single lock as fast my fingers would allow. I checked the back door and the door to the basement to make sure they were locked before rushing up to my bedroom and closing myself inside. Something strange was going on, I could feel it. I slowly walked over to my window and reached for the curtain. My hand shook slightly and I took a deep breath. I made a small slit in the curtain and looked out of the window. Upon a first look, the street looked normal. As usual, it was busy with passing cars, buses, and people. But then my eyes locked onto a red mustang with black racing stripes parked across the street. I quickly backed away from the window. No, it couldn’t be. He was in jail for sure.

            I grabbed my cell phone and dialed the new emergency number Aiken had given Raf and me a few days ago. “Come on…pick up!” I muttered nervously, my hands trembling.

            “Assalamu alaikum,” Aiken’s voice said after a few seconds. They were the longest seconds I’d ever experienced in my life. I rudely ignored his salams out of pure panic.

            “Aiken, Erik’s car is parked outside of my house and I’m home alone. W-what do I do? How is he not in jail? How did he get out-” I blurted, my heart leaping painfully within my chest. I was scared and very alone.

            “Daleela, calm down. I know for a fact Erik is still in police custody.” Aiken responded calmly. “What you’re saying isn’t possible.”

            “I know what I see!” I screeched while holding my cell phone so tightly that my fingers were starting to go numb. I heard him sigh slightly.

            “Alright,” Aiken said, giving in. “Do you want me to sit in front of your house in my car until someone from your family comes home?”

            “N-no.” I stuttered, peeking out of the window once more. The car was still sitting across the street. I noticed someone was getting out of the car and I held my breath. A woman with deep brunette curls got out of the driver’s seat and walked up to the door of a house several doors down the sidewalk. I was wrong. Erik was still where he was supposed to be and I was losing my mind. “I’m sorry, it’s fine. I shouldn’t have called you. It isn’t your responsibility to deal with my paranoia.”

            “Daleela, I can come.” Aiken said in an exasperated tone.

            “I won’t call again. I just panicked and reacted stupidly. You’re right. Erik’s where he’s supposed to be.” I mumbled in embarrassment. “Assalamu alaikum.”

            “Da-” I quickly hung up the phone and let my face fall into my hands as I calmed my racing heart.

            “Stupid,” I groaned. Then I remembered the doorbell! What the hell was that about? I went back to the window and looked down at the street near our front door. A few people were walking by, heading to their destination. But one man was lingering near our front patch of yard. He was on the phone. The man turned a little. That’s when I saw what almost looked like the notorious tiger tattoo that Howards’ men always donned sitting on the back of his neck. I fell backwards onto my bed in shock. I wasn’t completely sure but what if it really was one of them? Before I could truly react, my cellphone rang. Assuming it was Aiken, I shakily answered without glancing at the caller ID. “Aiken!”

            “Who?” Zayna’s voice snapped through the phone. My mouth fell open slightly.

            “Sorry Nana,” I muttered quickly while I thought up a reason for calling out a guy’s name. “I was watching TV, my bad.”

            “Okay weirdo,” She chuckled lightly while I peeked out the window at the man near our front door. He looked pissed and seemed like he was waiting impatiently for something. “What are you doing? You busy girly?”

            “No, I’m not busy. Why?” I asked, watching the man pace back and forth outside while yelling into his cellphone.

            “I wanted to come and pick you up so we could have a day together. I know I haven’t spent time with you the way I used to before I got married. I miss hanging out with you.” Zayna confessed randomly.

            I nodded and then realized she couldn’t see me. “Same here sis,” I replied, hurrying to my closet. “Do you think you can pick me up right now?” I asked, ransacking my clothes for something to wear. Zayna laughed.

            “Okay then, sure.” She responded. Thank you Allah! “I’m already out. I’ll be there in about ten minutes.” We said our salams and I hung up the phone. I pulled a sky blue jilbab out of my closet and pulled it over my head hastily. I grabbed a slightly wrinkled white scarf and a sky blue under scarf as well before running into the bathroom across the hall. After I finished my hijab, I ran back into my room and grabbed a spacious black leather purse off of a hook on my wall. I had a bunch of lovely purses that my mom had bought me but I hated carrying them out. Today was a very rare case where I needed one.

            I went to my bedside table and grabbed my cellphone, stuffing it in the bag. Then I went over to my desk, unplugged my laptop and put it in the bag as well. I opened the bottom drawer to my desk and removed the yellow envelope Aiken had given me when we first started meeting each other. I placed that in front of my laptop and grabbed forty dollars from a hidden compartment in my desk. I jumped at the sound of a car horn in front of the house. I ran to the window and was relieved to see Zayna’s car parked out front. Surprisingly, the man was still standing in front of the house. I snatched up my house keys and rushed down the stairs. When I opened the front door, to my horror, Zayna was speaking with the man. I came up in the middle of their conversation.

            “No, as far as I know, Mrs. Warski lives on the upper level of that building right there.” Zayna said kindly, pointing down the street. “I’m sorry to say you have the wrong home.”

            “I’m very sorry to bother you miss. I’m terrible with directions. Thank you for pointing me the right way.” The man apologized calmly, his accent foreign to me. I couldn’t quite place it. Was it an Irish accent?

            “No problem,” Zayna responded with a soft smile. “Take care,”

            With a slight nod, the man started to make his way down the side walk. I caught a glimpse of the tattoo up close and realized that it was not identical to the marks of Howards’ men. Surely, this must’ve been a sign that I was losing it. It was the second time I’d freaked out over nothing at all. I almost felt like crying because something had to be wrong with me. Was I suffering from paranoia? “There you are,” My sister said with a wide grin. I snapped out of my depressing thoughts to respond.

            “Assalamu Alaikum,” I greeted, trying to be as cheery as possible without seeming like I was faking. She was too excited to catch wind of my weirdness anyway.

            “Wa Alaikum Assalam,” She replied, basically prancing over to me before embracing me in a tight hug. She released me and proceeded to drag me toward her car. I got into the passenger side with an inward sigh. Once Zayna was settled into her seat, she pulled away from the curb and took off down the road. “So, you ready for a girls’ day out on the town?”

            I nodded, doing my best to appear enthusiastic. “Of course,” I murmured with a forced grin. I wanted to be sincere, I really did, but so much was weighing on my mind. Zayan was constantly becoming impatient with me. He had mercifully given me an extra week but I only had a few days left to say something before he overtook the situation and did it himself. Rafiq had been acting like a complete weirdo. The only explanation I could think of was Aiken. Maybe he was still trying to wrap his head around the idea that his friend was alive. Then there was me. I’m way too paranoid for my own good.

            We arrived at the restaurant Zayna had apparently chosen ahead of time. It was a Muslim owned Chinese restaurant and it had become my favorite spot in the city since we had moved. The workers were polite and loved having us so frequently. We walked in together, Zayna as enthusiastic as ever. She was chatting up a storm about how she and Noor had gone to New Jersey over the weekend. I nodded and smiled every once in a while to reassure her I was listening. We were seated in a booth by the window, a pretty red lantern hanging above our heads. “And he had the flowers all over the hotel and everything.” Zayna exclaimed, obviously reliving whatever memory she was sharing with me. I quickly tried to bounce back into the conversation.

            “Well, that was sweet of him.” I responded quite lamely. I added a weak smile afterward and Zayna just stared at me with one of those looks.

            “What is going on?” She asked with a deep sigh.

            “I’m just worried.” I told her honestly. Her brow rose in curiosity.

            “Worried about what?”

            ‘Everything,” I said with a groan. I glared at the steam rising from the cup of tea the waiter had just placed in front of me. I waited for the waiter to walk away from the table as Zayna watched me expectantly. “Ummi and Abi are taking me out of that school and I’ve only just gotten used to it. Plus…I still have to tell them the truth about helping Cole and they are going to be pissed at me.”

            “You’ll be okay insha’Allah.” Zayna said, trying to seem reassuring. “I’m sure they won’t be too angry. You were doing what you thought was right. It’s admirable if you look past all of the bigger details.”

            From years of living with my older sister, I knew she was just sparing my feelings. “That’s the thing Zayna; I knew I was wrong. I just couldn’t make myself stop. I kept getting deeper and deeper and I just couldn’t let it all go.” I whispered, staring out of the window. I felt my sister reach across the table and grab my hand. I turned to look at her.

            “I think it runs in our genes honestly.” She smiled, squeezing my hand lightly. She bit her lip slightly before letting out a deep gust of air. “When I was thirteen, I found out one of my friends was being abused by her father.  As soon as I found out, I basically wanted to create an uproar over it. I couldn’t stand the fact that my friend was being hurt, you know.”

            “What did you do about it?” I questioned, wondering why I’d heard nothing about this until now.

            “She didn’t want me to tell anyone even though I basically begged her. So, I took matters into my own hands and almost got myself into tremendous trouble.” Zayna explained, shaking her head slightly. “Eventually, I was in so deep that I felt trapped and almost frozen with fear. I told Ummi and Abi way too late. But they still handled it. My friend’s father was put in jail and my friend was shipped off to live with her aunt. Do you know what she said to me before she left?” Zayna asked with humorless laugh.

            “What?’ I replied quietly. I could see light tears in her eyes as she fought them with a smile. It obviously still hurt her.

            “She told me she never wanted to see my face again because I took away the only parent she had left.” Zayna told me, trying to reign in the pain she obviously still felt. She grabbed her glass of water and took a sip before looking back up at me, her eyes dry. “We can’t always save people who need help. Sometimes they don’t want help, even when they need it, and sometimes helping them is out of our reach. And in certain situations, that’s okay Daleela. You can’t help everyone who needs you, especially not on your own. You’re just human Leela and that isn’t your obligation.”

            I kept my gaze locked on the dark wooden table in front of me. She was absolutely right and I knew that but like I’ve said before…I couldn’t just forget about them. I couldn’t just leave it up to someone else to take care of Cole and his siblings. It’s true that they weren’t my responsibility but I cared about them too deeply to just back away. I groaned inwardly. Why am I so emotionally invested in everything I touch?

            “Leela,” Zayna said as if she had been repeating herself. I looked up at her in slight alarm. She had a concerned look on her face. “Do you get what I’m saying to you?’

            “Yeah…yes of course.” I responded with a quick nod. She looked unconvinced but let me off the hook.

            “I was talking with Noor and he’s willing to help. Our lawyer told us that if we scheduled a time where he could speak to Cole and get more details, he would see what he could do for them. It’ll be difficult since he’s underage.” Zayna informed me.

            “He can’t talk to Cole.” I replied in exasperation. Zayna folded her arms in front of her.

            “Why not?”

            “Because Cole won’t agree to it, I know he won’t. He’s stubborn and he has trust issues. Besides, he’ll be pissed that more people are getting involved.” I murmured, rubbing my temples.

            “I can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped.” Zayna sighed in annoyance. I guess she saw the desperate look on my face because her expression softened. “I’m trying here Leela. I am. I shouldn’t even be doing this but I know you. You will not quit until things get better for them. So, I’m trying.”

            “I know…and I’m so grateful for your help.” I explained, doing my best to emphasize my feelings on the matter. “But it’s not that he doesn’t want to be helped Zayna. I think he’s afraid of what might happen to anyone who tries to help. He despises the fact that Rafiq and I have been trying to help him because he…cares about us.”

            “I still don’t understand a lot of this. I don’t understand Rafiq’s relationship with him and I do not completely understand yours nor approve of whatever it is that’s going on with you and him.” Zayna stated blatantly as she leaned back against her seat. I opened my mouth to contest her statement. She pursed her lips and lifted an eyebrow, challenging me to say something smart. I snapped my mouth shut before carefully trying again.

            “Rafiq knew Cole’s brother when he lived in Europe. The thing is, Cole hadn’t seen his brother in years when Raf met him. At the time they kind of hated each other’s guts but then they found out their connection to Cole’s brother and immediately became friends.” I told her briefly. She listened with piqued interest.

            “Well, I’ll be honest. I wouldn’t have guessed that they ever disliked each other. They act like brothers every time I see them together.” She mused, leaning forward and resting her face in her palm. Her expression turned a bit more serious. “And your relationship with him is what exactly?”

            I gave up trying to fight her. She was Zayna Lewis. She’d figure it out even if I didn’t say anything. Heck, she’d already figured out I was basically in love with the guy and I hadn’t said a word. “He’s the boy that was stabbed. I’m the girl that saved his life. Things kind of shaped on from there as I got into more trouble with Erik. We just protect each other. I don’t know when it started or why we do it but we do. We don’t have any kind of romantic relationship but I understand it is borderline haram. I mean, I knew that a long time ago but we were kind of thrown into a situation neither of us could contr-”

            “Stop right there, just stop.” Zayna said raising her hand. My brows furrowed at her tone.

            “I’m not do-”

            “No Daleela, you listen here. Regardless of whatever history you have with that kid, you knew it was wrong when it started. You knew better.” She insisted with a disappointed look on her face. “The way you interact with him Daleela, which I’ve seen firsthand by the way, is not borderline haram. It’s already past the point of being haram. Even if it was just borderline, why in the world would you be comfortable with coming that close? Do you think that just because you’re not making out with him in your spare time or sexing him up in your bedroom, that it’s any less of a sin to engage in certain acts with him? You care about him a lot, do you not?”

            I couldn’t do anything but nod slightly as my mouth went dry. “Do you think those feelings you’re hiding in your heart appeared out of thin air? No love. They came from spending time with him. They came from talking to him regularly. They came from the basic attraction that forms between a man and a woman. You fell for his sharp looks, his deep voice, his sensible humor…maybe even his touch.” Zayna murmured, shaking her head slightly as if she couldn’t bear the thought of any of it. She looked me in my eyes and I couldn’t look away because I was frozen by her words. “It is true that a crush can be created from a distance but the deepness of your feelings for him now comes from getting way too close to him. And there is no way you can possibly tell me that it all happened without a little haram sprinkled in here and there. In Islam, marriage is made to protect the women and give them their rights. We aren’t allowed to interact with men outside of marriage because it can honestly be dangerous and if you think about it, it doesn’t bring us any type of good to us. When you get with a guy and he has no commitment to you, it makes it that much easier for him to hurt you may Allah forbid. Allah makes it easy for us Leela. He gives us a way to do things so that both men and women can benefit from each other and enjoy each other in a permissible way. If he was Muslim, I would tell you to marry him if you care for him that much but he’s not Leela. Think about it. What benefit do you get from committing haram with him?”

            I was struck into silence as my sister sat across from me waiting for a response. I didn’t have one. She was right and I had nothing to say to defend myself. I bit my lip hard as I tried to hold back tears at the sudden pain I felt radiating inside of me. I could have stopped a long time ago…but the truth was I had never wanted it to stop. I was foolish and now I was seeing it all painfully clear. “I-I didn’t mean to let…I tried…He’s…” I couldn’t finish. I couldn’t find the right words to end any of my sentences because there were no such words in existence. It was wrong. Period.

            My sister sighed and grabbed both of my hands from across the table. “You made a mistake and I see that. We all do wrong and if we’re sincere, we’re forgiven. I swear this isn’t me trying to rub how wrong you were in your face. I want the best for you and I always will. Cole is probably a good kid at heart but he is blinding you whether you like to admit it or not. I see how you try to convince yourself that what’s happening can’t be helped, that whatever brings you and him so close can’t be avoided, but we both know that’s not it. You know it’s not, Leela. I’m doing my part as your sister by telling you where you’ve gone wrong. Now you have to do your part and fix it. I mean it.” She gently released my hands with an intense look of genuine concern in her eyes. “I’ve said my piece. I won’t say anything else because I trust you. What you do from here on out is between you and Allah.”

            After that we were both silent. We spent the rest of the time at the restaurant that way. When my food came, any appetite I had was long gone. I knew I had to fix the wrong I’d allowed to go on for so long. It didn’t matter if Cole wanted to be Muslim someday. That didn’t change what was halal and haram. No more excuses and no more lying to myself. Cole will never be good for me unless he asks my father for my hand. If he doesn’t have that intention, I owe it to myself not to waste my time. I can’t keep risking my virtue and Allah’s favor with me over my selfish desire. Because that is mostly all it is; desire and lust. If I’m to be completely honest with myself, it’s not like I pine over him because of his deen.

            As we walked back to the car, my mind was overrun with thoughts. Zayna was talking about her recent date with her husband as if nothing had happened. “Daleela, look out!” Zayna shouted, pulling me to toward her as we pressed our backs to the building nearest us. A person on a red motorcycle zoomed down the sidewalk as people screamed and dodged out of the way. I turned and saw that the driver was wearing a helmet but one specific detail caught my eye. On the back of the helmet was a tiger with the number nine in its mouth. My breath caught in my throat as I pulled away from Zayna in disbelief. It couldn’t be Nine, right? It had to be a coincidence.

            “D-Did you see that?” I whispered, trying to stay calm. Was he trying to kill me?

            “What the hell was that?” My sister said as she helped an old woman off the ground. She brushed the woman off and righted her walker. The woman thanked her before carrying on down the sidewalk in a daze of confusion.

            “I don’t know,” I replied, swallowing hard. She looked me over carefully.

            “Are you okay sis? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Did you get hurt?” She questioned worriedly as she held me by the shoulders.

            “I’m okay,” I replied although I was nowhere near okay.

            “Let’s get home before more lunatics come out of the woodworks.” Zayna muttered, leading me to the car. All I could do was calmly nod in agreement and follow her blindly.

***

            Once, I was inside the house, I ran straight down the stairs to Rafiq’s room to tell him what happened. But right before I made it to the entrance to his bedroom, I paused near the doorway. I wasn’t sure what made me stop there but I did. I could hear Rafiq’s voice and he was speaking to someone I couldn’t see. Soon I realized that he was on the phone. I shouldn’t have stood there listening but something had me frozen. “I told you I changed my mind.” What was he talking about? “On the twenty fifth, I need you to pick me up at four o’clock and take me to New Jersey.”

            “Look, I’ll figure all that out soon so just promise me Dante.” Rafiq said, trying his best to stay quiet. He turned to look toward his doorway and I quickly backed up toward the stairs so he couldn’t spot me listening. “Thank you! I appreciate it more than you could ever know bro. Yeah…I will…no problem. Yeah, I’ll be near the entrance to the subway right down from my house. Thanks again man. I owe you one for sure. Yeah, okay…bye.”

            I could hear Raf dialing a new number. I waited several seconds to see what he was up to. “Yes, this is contestant number 5969 and I’m calling to confirm my place in the competition on the twenty fifth.” There was a long pause and I stood there in shock. Raf was entering the boxing competition even though his father had ordered him not to. “Yes that is my full name. Yes…alright…thank you very much.”

            I walked into the room right then. Raf turned around with a grin on his face but it dropped immediately when he saw me. “Rafiq, you know you’re dead when he finds out you disobeyed him.” I said in an exasperated tone. It took him a minute to realize he was truly caught and when he did, he could only glare at the floor. His shoulders were tense as he stood there stiffly.

            He composed himself and opened his mouth to speak. “I really don’t care anymore.” He snapped, falling back onto his rickety bed.

            “Rafiq you might not care now but I know you. Once you finish the tournament and the excitement burns off, you’re going to be miserable afterwards.” I told him worriedly as I plopped down beside him. He groaned loudly.

            “I’m doing this for me Daleela. Am I not allowed to be selfish for once in my life? I’ve always done whatever my dad has asked of me. And I know that I shouldn’t disobey him but he’s so unfair. He forces his dreams on me and I’m f---ing sick of it. I want to do something I love for once.” Rafiq muttered, sitting up to face me. “I trained so hard for this moment. I’ve been going out to the gym every morning after fajr on the weekends and every day after school on the weekdays because I want this so bad. I can’t keep letting my dad control my every move. Not when it comes to something as important to me as this.”

            My poor brother looked worn out from explaining himself and for the first time in a long time, I saw his eyes water with tears. He turned away and tried to reign in his emotions. I took a few small steps toward him. “I get it Raf, I really do. I just don’t want this to turn into a really bad situation for you.” I said softly. He turned back to me, shaking his head.

            “No, you don’t get it, so please don’t act like you do.” He mumbled in annoyance. Rafiq rubbed the back of his neck in agitation. “Your parents are so different from mine Daleela. They support YOUR dreams. They want what’s best for YOU. Mine are taking their own ideals and their own unfulfilled dreams and forcing them on me, masking them as my own. I don’t want to be a f---ing lawyer or doctor. Is that so hard to understand? They’re freaking delusional and I’m done!”

            I cringed at his cursing but now didn’t seem like the time to correct it. “I’m sorry,” was all I managed to get out. He was sort of right. I’d seen the way uncle Muaz and aunty Naeela put all of this pressure on him to be something he wasn’t. I’d never thought it was okay. Actually, I thought it was far from okay but it wasn’t my place to speak up about it. I felt bad for Rafiq. He didn’t want much and he’d always been a very easy-to-please, obedient kid. There was only one thing he cared about a great deal and that was boxing. “I won’t say anything Raf but I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to do this. And plus, if you do this behind everyone’s backs, the consequences might not be so great.”

            Rafiq walked up to me and stared at me for a long while before grabbing me into a hug. “Please Daleela, just this once, let it go. I need to compete. It’s all I’ve been working toward for two years now. I just want to compete.” He begged, holding me tightly. My arms were awkwardly crushed at my sides. There was a terrible desperation in his voice. I sighed, closing my eyes tightly, and nodded against his shoulder. He let me go with a huge look of relief. “I promise, I’ll tell everyone after I win.” He said ecstatically. I tried to mimic his excitement through a smile but I’m sure it appeared to be forced. I knew he saw it but he did his best to shake it off.

            “So, have you heard from Cole?” I asked, changing the subject. I tried to seem nonchalant as I absentmindedly played with a random dragon shaped action figure on his dresser.

            “Yes I have actually.” He replied, sitting onto the edge of his bed. “We’ve been talking a lot lately.”

            “About what if you don’t mind me asking?” I questioned, putting the dragon back in its place.

            “I don’t feel like it’s my place to say. We’ve been having some surprisingly deep conversations, you know, about life and what not.” He said with a slight shrug. “It was mostly personal stuff with which I have no authority to share whatsoever.” He added quickly.

            “Okay,” I muttered in slight agitation. Then I realized I had no right to be agitated in the first place. “I was just asking because the last time I saw him, he wasn’t in such great shape.”

            “I understand.” Rafiq said with a nod. “Just so you don’t worry your pretty little head, he’s alright. He’s just trying to make sense of everything that has happened lately. It’s no small thing to go through so much pain and loss for so long and then suddenly realize it wasn’t real. To be quite honest, I feel kind of messed up still. I can’t believe he’s alive even though I’ve seen him breathing right before my eyes. It’s just hard to train myself to accept the fact that he’s alive after having to force myself to accept the fact that he was dead. I get where he’s having a hard time with this. Aiken’s not just a friend for him like he is to me. He’s Cole’s brother.”

            I hugged myself tightly, rubbing my upper arms as if I were cold. “I’m really sorry I couldn’t say anything to you guys. I really wanted to, I swear. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just wanted to make things better the best way I knew how.” I murmured, trying not to get emotional. I felt terrible for putting them through all of this emotional turmoil but I didn’t regret my actions. I did what had to be done for the both of them.

            “I know. We both do.” Rafiq replied shortly. He was staring off to the side I could tell he was kind of lost in his own thoughts now. I decided it was time for me to get lost.

            “I’m just going to head back upstairs and wait for Ummi and Abi to get back home.” I said, awkwardly pointing toward the steps. Raf nodded in response before looking back at me.

            “Alright, see you later.” He said with a light grin. “I hope they let you finish the year. I know how badly you prefer to finish at school.”

            “Yeah,” I responded, biting the inside of my cheek. With that, I began the journey back to my bedroom. Before I even got to the second flight of stairs, the front door opened and in walked my parents. I rushed into the living room, stopping a few feet in front of them as they removed their jackets.

            “Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah,” They greeted in unison as my dad got on his knees and removed my mother’s shoes for her. She kissed his cheek as he rose back up while whispering a quiet thank you.

            “Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullah,” I said, returning their salams. I wanted to blurt out so many questions but I tried my best to hold back. They’d barely gotten in the door. I waited patiently for them to sit while constantly leaning my weight from one foot to the other in nervousness.

            “Daleela, come have a seat love.” My mother beckoned, sounding slightly out of breath. I hurried over, sitting across from them. Abi sighed deeply.

            “So how did it go?” I questioned eagerly. Both of them look sort of tired, my mother more so than my father.

            “Well sweetheart, we had a hard time working a plan out with your principal but in the end he was flexible.” Ummi started quietly. She had a hand atop her huge belly, rubbing small circles into it. “Your homework for the week will be brought to you and turned in every Friday by one of us. You’ll go to school for your tests. Your P.E. teacher will allow you to have your credit for the classes as long as you turn in a journal with your physical activity log at the end of these last two months of school. Your chemistry teacher said you have four labs left and you’ll have to be at school for them because they count for most of your grade.” 

            I slumped into my seat in disappointment. I would be finishing the year at home was basically what they were telling me. I tried not to seem disappointed but I couldn’t help it. “Okay,” I murmured, glaring at the turquoise vase on the end table nearest to me. The glass glistened under a stream of sunlight as I examined the swirling design of the vase closer than I ever had. We’d had the vase for years and I’d never noticed that it had small sparkles in it.

            “You know we wouldn’t do this unless we thought that letting you stay there would be better for you. I’m sorry Daleela but being in that school has done nothing but hurt you.” My father explained in an extra fatherly way. They both meant well, that much I knew, but that didn’t mean that I had to be happy with their choice when I wasn’t. I took a deep breath before speaking.

            “I understand,” Was all that escaped my lips. I stood up and hugged them both. For some reason I felt more distant from them than I ever had and it wasn’t because of the school thing. It was because of all the secrets. Because of those secrets, I had no right to fight their decisions. And I knew from the beginning that their choice to have me stay home was the best one. I just hadn’t wanted to admit it to myself.

            “We love you, you know that right?” Abi asked, squeezing my shoulder lightly. I nodded in response. “Good,” He smiled. I gently smiled at both of them before scurrying up to my room. Right when I got to the top of the stairs, I heard my mother speak.

            “She’s different Michael. I know you think she’s just growing up but I know when something’s going on with my child and something is going on with her. She keeps getting more and more disconnected from me. She used to talk to me about everything and lately I can barely get anything out of her.” Ummi said worriedly, her voice trembling slightly. My heart ached at the evident concern in her voice and I closed my eyes. Was it true, had I changed that much?

            “Baby, don’t worry.” My father said as his deep voice softened in an attempt to comfort her.

            “How can I not worry? She didn’t tell us that Howards boy was still harassing her and you see where that got her. So how do I know that she’s okay and that nothing else is wrong? I can’t fight the feeling that she’s still hiding something from us.” She said hysterically. I could hear her sniffling. “We should have never moved here. I don’t want to lose my baby girl.”

            “Khadijah, you’re talking nonsense. You’re not going to lose her insha’Allah. Neither of us is.” My dad responded, shushing her gently. That is when I hurried into my room, shutting the door behind me as quietly as I possibly could. I paced back and forth as my eyes began to water with tears.

            No matter what, I had to tell them the truth…soon.

            * * *

            “Daleela, wake up!” My mother chirped loudly. I sat up so abruptly that a pain shot up my back. I looked around dazedly before my eyes landed on my mother in her bright yellow sundress. Suddenly, a tragic amount of sunlight was shining on me. I let out a yelp, covering my eyes.

            “Ummi, what in the world? Why?” I groaned, diving back under my comforter. I felt a sudden loss of warmth as my covers were yanked completely off of me. “UMMI!”

            My mother started laughing heartily. I wanted to be annoyed but hearing her whimsical laugh only put a smile on my face. “Come on love. Rise and shine, you’re coming with me.” She sang, grabbing my feet and tickling them. I let out a very unattractive screech before flailing wildly and finally falling onto the floor with a loud thud.

            “Where?” I moaned with my face pressed against the hardwood floor as my eyes tried to flutter closed.

            “I’m going to one of my last prenatal visits before I have the baby. There’s only a month and some change left.” She replied, her light brown eyes shining. I sat up, rubbing my eyes.

            “I’m not sure what that means per se.” I mumbled before yawning silently. I stretched a little as she spoke.

            “It means I’m very close to having the baby.” Ummi replied with a slight roll of her eyes. She placed her hands on her wide hips. “Child, you really haven’t been paying attention to my pregnancy at all have you?”

            “I’m sorry,” I sighed apologetically from the floor. “So much has been going on.”

            My mother’s face turned serious. “I know sweetheart. I know.” She responded with a soft nod. I looked away from her worried expression quickly. It was too painful.

            “So do you and Abi have a name yet?” I asked, trying to change the subject to a happier one. She smiled gently.

            “We were thinking if it is a boy, Sulayman and if it’s a girl, Maymoonah.” Ummi informed me brightly. I quietly evaluated the two names in my mind and a grin made its way onto my face. I felt a sudden jolt of excitement. This was real. My mother was having another baby soon. I don’t know why it hit me much harder than it had in the past eight months. I was going to be a freaking big sister. How unbelievable is that? And yes, I know I’m kind of late.

            “Those are beautiful names.” I said, smiling genuinely for the first time in a long while. “I can’t wait to meet the little blessing that I’ll soon call my sister or brother.” I grinned, scrunching up my nose at the cute thought.

            “You and I both,” She responded, rubbing her belly with a sigh. “It’ll be good to actually be able to get to sleep again too… or at least kind of sleep.” Ummi sighed before walking or more accurately, wobbling, to the door. “Get dressed love. I’m leaving in twenty minutes.”

* * *

            The doctor’s appointment was pretty freaking interesting. Most of the time the doctor was using terms I barely understood but I learned quite a few new things about being pregnant and it has opened my eyes so much more. I mean does everybody truly understand how amazing a woman’s body is because it’s pretty freaking amazing. There should be celebrations in the streets acknowledging the strength of women on a regular. There should be a place with plaques honoring the women who have lost their lives to childbirth instead of a freaking Hollywood walk of fame. The things my body can do, the things it can endure! I mean I knew I could carry a child one day like many other females out there but I didn’t realize the true intricacies of the female body until attending that appointment with my mother. Why weren’t women ruling the world yet? I mean, come on!

            “What we can do as women is an amazing thing Leela but you’re being a bit extreme.” She said, chuckling at one of my rants.

            “Ummi, don’t downplay your abilities. You can be so powerful if you just embrace them.” I said, flailing my arms around dramatically. Okay, I was overdoing it a bit. What’s your point?

            “You see my dear, the thing is that I do have power and it is more than you know.” My mother said with a smirk and a lifted eyebrow. “The key is to use your power as a woman sparingly and discreetly. We have so much power and it lies in much more than just our bodies. We have power in the way we speak and the standards we set for ourselves. We have power in our intelligence and the way we choose to educate ourselves. We have so much power that Allah has blessed us with. We just have to remember to use it and use it well.”

            I pondered over what she said for a minute. “That’s true.”

            “It is, I promise you. Just because our power is quieter than, say, a man’s, doesn’t mean it isn’t just as effective if not more. Men like to beat on their chests and roar about much power they’ve got. Us women, we don’t need all of the theatrics. We just quietly sit back and make things happen. We already rule the world sweetheart, men are just too stubborn to look past their egos and see it.” My mom laughed, feeding into my silliness.

            I grinned and we laughed together. It felt nice being with my mom like that. It made me realize how rare it had become. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe she’d brought me with her for that exact reason. She just wanted to spend time with me. My heart warmed and ached all at the same time. I had to say something. I had to tell her the truth like Zayan told me to but my lips were having a hard time parting. Finally, I found it in me to speak.

            “Ummi,” I blurted with a wince.

            “What’s up love?” She asked with a smile. My stomach flipped from nervousness.

            “I have something I need to tell you.” I said in a voice so low, she probably had to strain to hear me.  My mother looked over at me briefly before returning her gaze to the road.

            “What is it sweetheart?” She responded as her brow furrowed. I swallowed deeply as we pulled up to a red light.

            “I-” I began before my breath caught in my throat at the sight to my right. A red mustang with red racing stripes pulled up beside us at the light. The windows were tinted darkly. Slowly, the window began to roll down. I grabbed the door of the car tightly as every last bit of oxygen left my lungs. But before I could see who was in the car, the light turned green and my mother pressed the gas.

            “Daleela…Daleela!” My mom said, lightly grabbing my arm. I snapped back to reality as I watched the car linger behind us. I turned to look at my mom in panic. “Sweetheart what were you going to tell me?” She asked, her eyes still glued to the road ahead. She glanced at me briefly. “What’s wrong?”

            I didn’t respond as I watched the car behind us, my heart beating wildly in my chest. What the hell was going on? Why did this keep happening? Who was in the car this time? So many questions ran through my mind in a matter of seconds. My mom looked bewildered by my behavior. I had to say something before she freaked out, even though she may have very well had reason to do so. “Nothing, Ummi, n-nothing. I don’t remember.”

            She looked like she didn’t believe a word I’d said. “What’s going on?” She said sternly, now looking in the rearview mirror. “Why is this car following me so closely?’ She muttered in annoyance as she switched lanes. My heart skipped a beat as the mustang followed suit. Oh Allah, please protect us! I’m so scared. I tried to breathe as the car behind us flashed their lights. “What in the world?” My mother said, a worried look on her face. I turned to look at her fully.

            “Don’t stop the car Ummi.” I begged as she began to slow down.

            “Of course not,” She replied as she turned onto our street. I took a breath of relief as the car sped past our street, not turning with us. “That was weird.” She said before shaking it off. She pulled up in front of our house. Once we were stopped completely and the car was surely gone, she turned to me. “Now, what were you going to say?” Her voice gave a complete no nonsense vibe.

            “I was just going to tell you how sorry I am for lying to you and Abi.” I breathed as her light brown eyes pierced through me. She looked confused and I felt horrible that once again I was about to withhold the truth from her.

            “Lying about what?” She questioned worriedly.

            “About Erik, you know, bullying me.” I responded, looking down at the carpet. I no longer had the courage to tell her about everything and that included Jim Howards.

            “Sweetheart, I’m still disappointed that you didn’t tell us but I think I understand why.” She said softly whilst taking my hand in hers. “I know I’ve been working a lot more than I used to and dealing with this pregnancy. We used to spend so much time together and then it suddenly turned into bits and pieces here and there. I want to apologize for not being there for you as much I should. I just want you to know that you can always talk to me…about anything Daleela. I mean that.”

            I could hear the pain in her voice as tears welled in her eyes. She thought this was partially her fault and it made me feel guiltier than I’d ever felt in my life. My mother had always been my everything and to see her on the verge of tears thinking that my behavior had anything to do with her not being an utterly amazing parent broke something in me. I literally felt like the worst daughter to ever live.

            “Of course I know. You and Abi have always made me feel like I could tell you anything.” I replied as a lump formed in my throat. I found it hard to speak. “I was just scared to tell because Erik…he kept threatening to hurt you and Abi and I believed him, especially after Abi’s accident.”

            I don’t know how it slipped out but it did and I immediately knew it was a mistake. My mother’s eyes widened. “What do you mean after your father’s accident?” She asked, alarm in her voice. My mouth opened and I tried to speak. My lips were frozen and my tongue felt numb suddenly. This wasn’t how I wanted to tell her the truth. “Daleela what in the world are you talking about?”

            “Erik was the one who ran Abi off of the road.” I blurted with a sob. My mother’s lips parted in disbelief as she took in my words. She closed her eyes and let her head fall back against her headrest.  “Ummi, I’m so-”

            “Let’s go inside and talk.” She breathed before quickly opening her door to get out. I hurried to follow her, my thoughts moving a thousand miles a minute. My mother went straight to the front door, opened it, and took off her shoes with some struggle. I came inside and did the same as I watched her face carefully. I locked the front door. “Michael!” My mother called out.

            Surprisingly, my father responded. “Yeah,” He replied groggily from some unknown area in the house.

            “Come in here please!” She shouted back as she began to take off her hijab. She removed her headscarf and over garment then threw it over a nearby chair. She sat down with a serious expression on her face, her eyes staring at something I couldn’t see. I was still standing, afraid to move.

            “What’s going on?” My dad asked before yawning hard. He’d just woken up from a nap given his attire. He was wearing a loose pair of plaid pajama pants and a white t-shirt. “Are you okay?” He asked my mother.

            “Come and sit. We need to have a talk with our daughter.” Ummi replied simply.

            “What happened?” Abi said with a distraught look on his face as he took a seat beside my mother.

            “Daleela, have a seat and tell your father what you told me in the car.” She said in a strangely soft tone. I stiffly walked to the white loveseat nearest them and took a seat. My mouth was dry and I didn’t think I could say it again. “Go ahead.”

            “Erik…Erik was the one who forced you off the road the night of your accident.” I confessed finally. My father’s expression dropped as his brows knitted together in disbelief.

            “Daleela, how do you know this?” He asked me, trying to keep his composure. I tried to keep my breathing steady.

            “The reason I didn’t tell you about Erik tormenting me is because I was afraid he would hurt you guys. He has loads of money and people on his side. He threatened to hurt you if I said anything. I-I didn’t know what else to do. I kept fighting back in small ways and he promised that I’d pay for it. I didn’t know he would really try to kill you. I would’ve said something. I didn’t know-” My voice broke and I stopped talking. I didn’t know what else to say.

            “Subhanallah,” My mother breathed, covering her face with her hands.

            “It doesn’t make sense.” My father said shaking his head. He stood up, running a hand over the bottom half of his face as he took it all in. He turned to me and I resisted the urge to cower from facing his words. “You need to start from the beginning and tell us everything because apparently we’ve missed a lot.”

            I could tell my father wasn’t angry with me per se. He was more disappointed that I hadn’t confided in him for so long. He was upset because I chose to lie when the situation was so serious. I let out a shaky breath as I attempted to pull myself together. Face the consequences Daleela, I thought bitterly. You did this. You made this mess. Fix it. “You remember when I saved Rafiq’s friend at the school. That’s when everything kind of took a turn for the worst.” I said and my voice barely came above a whisper. “Erik had people after Cole at the time. They were the ones who stabbed him beforehand. I didn’t know any of this until later. I never even meant to get involved in his mess but after I helped save him, it was almost inevitable. When Rafiq came to live with us we found out that Cole’s older brother, the one who died, was Rafiq’s mentor in Europe. That’s how Rafiq and Cole became friends.”

            My parents stayed silent, their expressions grave. I had no choice but to continue. “As you probably remember, Cole is actually Erik’s stepbrother.” I said, holding a handful of my abaya tightly because of my nerves.

            “Oh Allah,” My mother gasped, placing a hand over her mouth. “I forgot. I completely forgot.” She murmured, shaking her head in shock. Abi looked like he was only just remembering as well.

            “Erik hates Cole and he hates the rest of his siblings too. That’s why he does everything he can to hurt him. He’s sick and twisted and he wants them gone.” I told her sadly. My mother’s eyes were teary. “Erik already held a certain hate for me around the time he took off my hijab but his hate ignited even more when he misunderstood the situation between Cole and me. I don’t think I told you before but Cole was the one who helped me when Erik and his friends attacked me and took off my hijab. When Erik found out…he decided that I meant something to Cole, even though I don’t, and he thought that to be an even better reason to continue to torment me.”

            “Why didn’t you tell us?” My father questioned. His deep voice was hoarse. I looked into his dark brown eyes apologetically. “We could’ve helped you and Rafiq’s friend. You know this Daleela! Was Rafiq aware that all of this was going on?”

            I swallowed deeply and tried to decide. Do I tell the truth and get Raf in trouble? Or do I lie and save him? I’ve lied long enough, I thought regretfully. Enough is enough. “He knew but I begged for him not to say anything. He wanted to tell you what kind of trouble I’d gotten into but I wouldn’t let him. Rafiq protected me the whole time though. He took care of me.”

            My dad didn’t look like he wanted to hear my excuses for Rafiq at the moment. “Finish your story.”

            “When you got into the accident Abi, I thought it was weird. But when Ummi told me that the passerby that called her saw a red Mustang with black racing stripes run you off the road, I immediately knew who did it. There was no way that it could’ve been a coincidence. And then I realized that someone I thought I was friends with was helping Erik. She questioned me about your job and when you were working. She was the one who told Erik everything and he was the one who ran you off the road. He’s the only one in school that owns a red Mustang with black racing stripes. I was scared before but after he tried to kill you, I was petrified. I couldn’t say anything. He’d made his point. He could hurt the people I loved the most and I couldn’t let that happen. I’m so sorry Abi. I never wanted you to get hurt. I never wanted anyone to get hurt.” I cried, drying my face with my hijab. My father crouched in front of me and to my surprise he hugged me.

            “If you would’ve told us as soon as you knew sweetheart, we could’ve went straight to the police and a lawyer.” My dad sighed, holding my head against his shoulder. “You never have to go through anything alone Daleela, ever!” He said firmly.

            “I didn’t have any evidence. No one would’ve believed me at the time.” I cried, gripping the back of my father’s t-shirt. I was letting out months of stress, months of holding back everything from them. And even after lying to him for so long, there my father was comforting me. I was a liar and a terrible daughter who didn’t deserve either of them as parents. I didn’t deserve his embrace either but I couldn’t let him go. Not when it felt so good to be in arms that I knew would protect me no matter what.

            “Daleela, we would’ve believed you no matter what. Until now, you’ve never been one to lie. Why wouldn’t we have believed you, especially about something like this?” Ummi said, huge pearl like tears falling down her honey brown cheeks. I felt my lip quiver as I tried to speak. I was the reason she was crying and that was unbearably painful.

            “I don’t know.” I whispered, closing my eyes tightly and letting the tears go as they pleased. “I don’t know.” My parents gave me a moment to calm down and eventually I did, somewhat. “After all of that happened, you probably remember when I punched Erik in the face at school right?”

            They nodded and I continued. “That day in the principal’s office, he basically told me that he was going to kill me.” I told them, biting my lip. “I…I knew he was going to try to hurt me and I was just basically waiting around for it to happen. I should’ve been more cautious because he held strong to his word when he hurt you Abi. I should’ve known but I let my guard down. I trapped myself and he found his opportunity. I completely believed that when he tried to rape me, he was going to kill me. I was so…scared.” I said in a voice so low, I knew they were straining to hear me. This was my first time really talking to them about what happened and all of my fears were replaying in my mind. The images of him hurting me flashed through my mind like sharp daggers. It hurt all over again. “He ripped my clothes apart and he touched me. He pressed his body against mine…h-he kissed me and bit me against my will. He put his hands under my shirt and he took away a part of me I can never get back.” I breathed and my voice shook hard as I relived it all in my mind. I needed them to know. Now that I was telling the truth, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I didn’t want to deal with this alone anymore. “I could have prevented it if I would have spoken up. I wouldn’t be sitting here, defiled and disgusting if I had said something to you guys. I didn’t want to talk about what happened with either of you before because I didn’t want you to worry or think differently of me. You two have always made me feel safe and loved but I couldn’t talk about what happened because I still hated myself for letting that happen. I thought the fear would be gone by now.  I thought the pain would go away if I never spoke of it again. I thought the guilt I felt would disappear with time but I still feel so dirty. I am so embarrassed to stand in front of you two and even more so in front of Allah because of it.”

            Both of my parents looked horrified and I could see tears in my father’s eyes now too. I heard my mother let out a sob as she got up and pulled me out of my seat into a hug. My father hugged us both and they didn’t speak for a long time as they cried and held me. I cried too, taking comfort in their embraces.  Sooner or later, I was finally dry of tears. My mother pulled away slightly and held my face in her hands firmly. “Daleela, my love, what happened to you was not your fault. It never will be YOUR fault. He hurt you because he is a sick evil little bastard and that has nothing to do with you. You are not dirty and you are not disgusting. You are still the same gorgeous girl that you have always been. You are still kind, you are still smart, and you are still Muslim. Allah does not hold you accountable for the wrong that was committed against you. He is the Most Merciful and you have absolutely no reason to be embarrassed to stand in front of Him or us. That is nothing but the shaytan’s lies.” She said softly but firmly. I could still hear the tremor of pain in her voice. “You are still a beautiful young Muslim woman. That hasn’t changed and Insha’Allah, it never will. You have to know that my love.  You know I wouldn’t lie to you, don’t you?”

            I hugged her again, tightly as I tried to hold the tears back. I nodded into her scarf in response and the tears came anyway. My dad once again held us both, stroking the back of my head gently. I had been hurting over this for so long and I didn’t even realize how much until I heard my mother’s words. They lifted a weight off of me that was so heavy it made me wonder how I had made it so long without breaking down. After what happened with Erik, I’d suppressed everything that I was feeling and tried to be optimistic about coming out on the other side with just a few bumps and bruises. But the situation hadn’t called for optimism. It called for me to accept that I went through something horrible and allow my scars from the ordeal to heal properly. I understood all of that now that I was in the loving arms of my parents. I understood that this wasn’t something I could deal with alone nor did I have to do so. I was safe as long as I confided in them and allowed them to help me through my hardships.

            “I apologize,” I whispered for the billionth time and I knew they heard me because they squeezed me tighter. They knew exactly what I was apologizing for, even if it was everything.

            * * *

            My parents and I sat down and talked for several more hours after that. I elaborated on the whole Erik situation and even some of Cole’s past with him. I knew it wasn’t my place to put Cole’s business out there but I felt like I needed their help now if I truly wanted to help him. It would save me from a lot of the sins I’d been piling up lately. After that, I decided that it was about time that I tell them about Jim and Alayna. I wondered if that would completely change how they would handle taking on the lawsuit against Erik. As soon as I parted my lips to speak, the house phone rang loudly. My father told me to hold on just a moment before he answered the phone. That one phone call was how the whole Rafiq disaster began and the reason why I never got to warn them about Jim Howards before it was too late.

            “I didn’t know Muaz. If I did, I wouldn’t have signed the permission form. He told me you were okay with it and I remembered you saying you were some months ago. I had no idea you changed your mind.” My father explained in an exasperated tone. He was rubbing his temples wearily. I knew at that moment that Rafiq had been caught in his schemes to compete in the tournament. My leg jigged up and down nervously. “Brother, don’t you think that’s a little…I understand. I’ll tell him when he gets home. I’m sorry, I didn’t know I swear. Insha’Allah. Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullah.”

            Before my mother could ask my father what happened, as if on cue, Rafiq walked through the door in a sweaty tank top and a pair of blue boxing shorts. He was grinning brightly as he gave salams. We responded to his greeting before he started strutting towards the basement door, obviously in a good mood. “Rafiq, come back in here now.” My father said angrily, his deep voice booming. I winced at the authority in it. He was upset for sure. That was the same tone I got every time I’d effed up and thought I’d gotten away with it in the past. Rafiq slowly turned around and walked back into the living area with a nervous look in his eyes.

            “Sit,” Abi said, his voice hard. Rafiq didn’t hesitant for a second to obey. I saw him look at me briefly, a question in his eyes before turning back to my father’s stern gaze. “I am going to ask you a question and I want the truth.” Rafiq swallowed deeply before nodding. “Did you knowingly trick me into signing a permission form for your boxing tournament against your father’s wishes?”

            Raf grimaced at the question as my father waited patiently for an answer. “Yes uncle,” He replied, his voice smaller than it had ever been since before he’d hit puberty. Abi made an angry scowl and started to speak but stopped himself immediately. He ran a large hand over his beard to restrain himself.

            “Rafiq, not only am I disappointed in you for choosing to trick me instead of asking me to talk to your father, I am angry that you dared to not only lie to me but make me into a fool as well.” My father said in a low, steady voice. I looked to Rafiq and for the first time in a long time I saw regret marring his being.

            “Uncle, I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t know what else to do. I had to compete and my dad, h-he wouldn’t let me.” Rafiq said, falling all over his words in a rush to make the situation better somehow. But he only came across as a desperate child making excuses for his behavior.

            “You had options but you chose all of the wrong ones.” Abi’s stated, his jaws clenching hard. “And now you’ll deal with the consequences of your actions.”

            Rafiq’s eyes widened like he knew exactly what my father was going to say next. “Please uncle,” Raf pleaded, his eyes shimmering with tears. I didn’t understand why he was so emotional. My dad was probably just going to put him on punishment. What was so life ruining about that?

            My father tried to stay firm as he said his next words but I saw the slight sadness in his eyes. “Rafiq, you are to go downstairs and start packing your things. Your father told me that he and your mother will be here next weekend insha’Allah to take you back with them.”

            “What, why?” I blurted, rising from my seat in an instant. Rafiq looked empty, like he’d given up completely. They couldn’t take him, not now. “He can’t leave yet. That’s crazy.”

            “Daleela,” My father said in warning for me to be silent.

            “It’s not fair,” I said, my heart pounding. “Can’t you just ban him from the gym or take his cellphone or something?”

            “Daleela be quiet,” He said, giving me a stern look. But I couldn’t be quiet. I couldn’t.

            “Why does he have to leave? That’s not right. Uncle Muaz is always treating him unfairly. He let him train for a whole two years, watched him work so freaking hard, and then told him he couldn’t compete. What kind of father does that? Who purposely takes away their kid’s dream?”

            “Daleela!’ My mother and father shouted in unison. I snapped my mouth shut. I went too far…like I always do.

            “Since you obviously have a problem controlling your mouth, you can head up to your room while we talk to Rafiq.” My mother said, gesturing with her hand for me to leave. I didn’t dare disobey after my outburst. I gave Rafiq a sympathizing look on my way out of the room but all he could do was look away. I felt terrible for him and not only that but I was worried.

            * * *

            Zayan came and knocked on my room door once he got home. I called out for him to come in. He sat down at my desk silently and didn’t speak for a long while. I didn’t ask him what he wanted or why he was in my room. “So you finally told them.” He sighed finally.

            “Yeah,” I replied simply.

            “Good,” He said with a nod. “It was the right thing to do.”

            “I know.” I muttered, staring at my alarm clock. It was getting late and I wanted to check on Raf.

            “I heard Rafiq’s leaving next weekend.” He mentioned, as if he were reading my mind. “Is that why you look so depressed Leels?”

            “Yeah,” I sighed deeply, looking away from my brother. He walked over and squeezed my shoulder lightly.

            “It’ll be okay sis.” He murmured and kissed the top of my head. I softly shrugged him away and I could tell he was surprised. He didn’t comment on it though.

            “I want to be alone please if that’s okay.” I informed Zayan with a weak smile. He hesitantly nodded before making his way to the door. He turned back to look at me closely.

            “Are you okay?” He asked, his eyes lit with confusion and worry.

            “I will be…Insha’Allah.” I replied looking down at my hands.

            “If you need me, I’m here.” Zayan said, his tone turning serious.

            “I know,” I said with a nod. He stared at me for a long while before finally exiting the room and shutting my door behind him. I let out a pent up sob into my pillow before screaming into it and throwing it across the room in tears. What would I do without Rafiq? Now I had my brother back but was losing another in the same breath.

            * * *

            For days Rafiq sulked around, barely existing and for days I watched helplessly as he refused to talk to me or anyone else for that matter. All I could think was that we were wasting time but I didn’t say a word. Finally, on the fourth day after the news that Rafiq was leaving, he came to me. He said he wanted to talk and I immediately dropped my homework where it was and we set out to go for a walk. For a while he didn’t say anything and I didn’t push him.

            “I’m sorry,” He finally muttered, glared at the concrete squares that made up the sidewalk. I tried to get a glance of his face but only barely succeeded. “I was stupid to think that I could actually go against my father’s wishes and get away with. I was an idiot for tricking uncle into signing my permission forms. I was just a complete moron and I didn’t think about the consequences and I’m sorry.”

            I grabbed his arm, causing him to stop walking. He turned to look at me and I could see the regret and sadness in his eyes. “I’m not mad at you.” I groaned in annoyance. He looked surprised. “Sure, I wish you made better choices but I’m not mad at you. I just hate that now you have to leave us…I’m going to be alone.”

            “Daleela, you have Zayan. You have your family. You’ll be fine.” Rafiq muttered, kicking a can on the sidewalk.

            “I get that okay but do you really think they’ll help Aiken the way we do? It would be dangerous for them to even know about Aiken’s plan against Jim. And I still haven’t even had the chance to explain what a snake Jim Howards is. How am I going to protect and save Cole and those little ones on my own? Like really, please explain to me how I can do anything to help without you here.” I demanded, waiting for an answer.

            “When I’m gone…keep to yourself. They can handle everything on their own now. The evidence Aiken submitted is processing as we speak. They’ll be fine.” He said as if trying to reassure us both.

            “Did you even tell Aiken what’s going on?” I asked, already knowing the answer. He shook his head no. “What about Cole?”

            “I haven’t told Cole either okay.” He sighed deeply, running a hand through his short brunette hair.

            “You can’t leave without telling them Raf. That’s not right.” I muttered, a pain in my chest at the thought that he was really leaving us. “You can’t take the easy way out and let them find out on their own. They need to hear it from your mouth, especially Cole.”

            “I wouldn’t do that.” Rafiq snapped at me. He sighed once more. His gaze was sad, all hope gone from his eyes. He looked so upset, it hurt me physically. “You know I always say goodbye.”

            Yes, he did. I felt tears prickle in my eyes. This was exactly like when Raf left for Europe all those years ago. I let out a broken gasp, my breath leaving me. I grabbed my brother into the tightest hug I could manage, clutching him for dear life. Not again. I knew he would leave again eventually but not now. Not when I needed him the most. Rafiq buried his head into my shoulder and responded to my embrace in kind. “You’re going to call me this time right? If you’re hurting, you’re not going to suffer it alone right?”

            He shook his head hard, unable to speak. His body trembled with unrestrained tears. “If you need me, I’m just a phone call away. You hear me? You better pick up that phone and call me because if you lose all contact with me like you did when you left the first time, I won’t forgive you. I swear I won’t. You know I’ll answer the phone no matter what Raf. So don’t you dare even think of not calling me.”

            “I’ll call, I promise.” He whispered, his voice breaking slightly. My only response was to hug him tighter, if that was even possible.

            ***

            My parents decided that we would have a going away party for Rafiq. Sure, they knew he’d messed up, but of course they still loved him and would miss him dearly. We planned it quickly so there wasn’t anything extravagant. It was meant to be a surprise for Rafiq. He thought my parents were pissed at him and I could see it killing him every night that my parents sat at the table in silence during dinner. They were very good at pretending but I think even though they were giving him a small party, they wanted to make sure he learned his lesson about manipulating people. I was pretty sure he’d learned it when he came to me on the day of the party looking like a depressed puppy. I tried to convince him that everything was fine but he wasn’t buying any of it. He completely believed that my parents no longer cared for him the way they did before. Of course the notion was ridiculous but that was all he had to go on.

            Meanwhile, Zayna was gathering up all of Raf’s friends and a few of mine, making sure they knew when and where to be. Zayan was getting the grill going on the beach. Noor went to pick up some balloons and last but not least, I went to pick up the cake. The bakery was close to the beach so I’d gone ahead with Zayan. My parents were busy finishing up their work for the day so they could head straight there afterwards. “Zayan I’ll be back in a sec.” I shouted and started heading down the street to the bakery. The place was pretty darn busy for to say it was so small. I squeezed inside, muttering excuse me after excuse me as I went. Once I got to counter after about thirty minutes of waiting, I told the burly man with hair growing from every visible crevice on his body in front of me the name and order for the cake. He grunted in confirmation before heading to the back. Minutes later he was back and I purchased the cake before scurrying out of the bakery. As soon as I made it onto the sidewalk, someone bumped into me hard. I did everything I could to protect the cake from destruction and by Allah’s mercy I succeeded. I sighed in relief.

            “Sorry little lady,” The man in front of me said with a small smirk whilst tipping his hat. He was wearing a plaid button up shirt and ripped jeans. His face was smooth, free of even one hair. His eyes were blue and his hair black. He had a strangely unreadable vibe about him. He scared me a little, mainly just because I was alone and he was a man.

            “It’s alright sir,” I replied quietly with a slight nod of my head before heading back to the beach. I walked across the street with a shake of my head.

            “Hey, kid!” I heard the man from before yell. I turned to see him running toward me and I felt the breath catch in my throat as fear rose in my belly. Alarms were going off as I turned to keep walking. Then the sound of screeching tires met my ears. I turned around briefly to peak but ended up turning completely. The man was standing in the street. A red mustang with black stripes was inches away from him. The man slammed his hand onto the hood of the car. “I’m walking here!” He shouted at the driver before walking toward me again. I started backing away again before my foot hit the curb causing me to fall backward. I caught the cake again, masha’Allah but that wasn’t really what I was worried about at the moment. I let out a screech of fear and he stopped and held his hands out in front of him in some sort of peace gesture.

            “Get away from me,” I sputtered, scooting backward. He looked at me with raised eyebrows.

            “Look, I’m not trying to hurt you kid. You dropped your phone back there.” He stated, holding my cellphone in his right hand. My mouth gaped open slightly as I realized how stupid I’d been. “May I hand it to you or are you going to freak?” He questioned with a grin. I nodded in response and he placed it in my hand.

            “Um, thank you sir. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-” I started apologetically. He stopped me immediately.

            “Don’t apologize, you did right. I’m a stranger and you should be cautious around strangers miss. Don’t ever let go of that instinct.” He said, commending me for my previous behavior. I was still kind of freaked out by him but I nodded in agreement anyway. “I have a word of advice kid, next time walk with someone if you’re afraid to be alone. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”

            He made his way back toward the bakery and then I remembered the mustang? I looked around and it was nowhere in sight. What in the world? The same car couldn’t just coincidentally be everywhere. Was I going mad? I shook my head in order to clear my mind before stuffing my phone in the pocket of my abaya and hurrying back toward the beach. Zayan met me half way, a look of relief donning his features. “What took you so long? You had me worried.” He grumbled, an annoyed look on his face. “I called your phone and you didn’t answer.”

            “I’m sorry. The bakery was crowded and I dropped my phone.” I replied honestly. He sighed, running a hand over his low cut hair. He came forward and grabbed the cake from my hands gently.

            “It’s alright…sorry, I was just worried about you. You’ve been a real troublemaker lately.” He said with a small grin and I grinned back although my situation lately wasn’t amusing to me in the least. We headed back to the beach and it looked like I was the last one to arrive besides my parents and Rafiq.

            Jade ran up to me, her dark skin glowing as her hair blew wildly. She looked like she belonged on the cover of a magazine quite honestly. I smiled as she ran up and hugged me tightly.  “Daleela, I’ve missed you. School is not the same without you, I swear to god.” She insisted while rocking me side to side in her embrace. I hugged her back, happy to see her again.

            “I’ve missed you too Jade.” I responded with a laugh as she pulled away. “I’m sorry I left so suddenly. It must’ve been a shocker.”

            “Yeah, it definitely was. I almost burst into tears when I heard. You’re like the only best friend I have left.” She griped with a pout. I smiled, touched by the notion.

            “I’m really sorry. I hadn’t expected it at all.”

            “I know,” She sighed deeply, her eyes sad. She looked up at me with sincerity. “I am happy that you left though. As much as you don’t like to admit it, Aimee and Erik were making your life a living hell. Maybe your parents are right. You’re probably better off at home.”

            “Yeah probably,” I agreed halfheartedly.

            “No way,” Jade exhaled staring somewhere past me. I turned to look and Charice was walking toward us. “What is she doing here?” I could hear the anger in Jade’s voice. I guess Char hadn’t explained what was going on with her. I should have warned Jade before I invited Charice.

            “Jade don’t freak out. She hasn’t betrayed us the way you might think.” I informed her quietly, pleading with my eyes. “Hopefully she’ll tell you everything on her own but she’s been through a lot and she didn’t mean to hurt either of us. When she comes over here, hear her out okay?”

            Jade looked completely taken aback but seemed to trust me on this. She nodded in response. I knew it would be much easier for her to accept Charice again because she didn’t know about her role in what happened to my dad. She only knew that Charice had been hanging with Aimee and her clique. Charice looked nervous as she slowly made her way to us and when she finally did, her voice came out shakily. “Hi Daleela, hi Jade.”

            “Hey Char,” I murmured hugging her. She looked as pretty as ever, her blonde hair falling in loose waves over her shoulders. When I pulled away, she seemed relieved that there were really no hard feelings between us. She gave me a timid smile before turning to Jade. “Guys, I’ll be back in a bit. I have to go help finishing setting up.”

            Char nodded in response but Jade was still staring at her, her body stiff. I walked away and silently prayed for the best. I hoped they could work things out and that Jade could be understanding when it came down to it. Zayan beckoned me over to him. I hurried to his side. “Okay, look. Rafiq, Ummi, and Abi will be here any minute. Let his friends and your friends know. Give them these so they can set them off when he comes.” He said, handing me a bag of streamer cannons.

            “How long do we have?” I asked, searching for Raf’s friends across the beach.

            “About five minutes in Abi time, which is actually about fifteen in real time.” Zayan chuckled. I laughed and nodded before scurrying off in the opposite direction toward two dark figures which I now realized were Marz and Dante. They looked up and a wide grin spread across Marz’s face.

            “Long time no see Scarfy!” He shouted in elation and went in to hug me. I dodged him quickly and he nearly fell in the sand. He stumbled a little before straightening himself out comically. Dante was laughing his behind off. “Sorry I forgot about the no hugging you rule.”                                                                                                                                                                                  “It’s okay, it’s been a while after all.” I laughed genuinely. I handed them each a streamer cannon. “Thanks for coming guys. Rafiq will be happy, I’m sure.”

            “What are these for?” Dante asked curiously.

            “Streamer cannons,” I replied, showing both of them a quick example of how to use them. I pointed to the area near the entrance. “We’re all going to stand near there and set them off when he gets there.”

            “Cool,” Marz and Dante said in unison.

            “Daleela, have you seen Cole around anywhere?” Dante asked suddenly, sipping on a cold soda. Before I could answer, someone else did me the honor.

            “I’ve been here for over an hour.” A deep voice answered behind me. I felt my heart leap as I whipped around to see his face for the first time in such a long while. There he was in all his glory; blue jeans, a button up white shirt, and his dark hair pulled back into a neat ponytail. His storm like eyes caught mine and the corner of his mouth lifted into a small smirk at my surprise. “It’s been a while. I haven’t seen you around school.” He said softly.

            “Thanks for coming,” I said, my words rushed. I tried to ignore the fact that he’ noticed my absence. But then all I could focus on was the day at the park. His confessions and mine all replayed over again in my head. It made my hands sweat and my body tingle. I tried to push through my weird reaction to seeing him again. “Rafiq will be very happy.” I’m very happy, I wanted to say.

            “I’m glad to have gotten an invitation.” He said with a smile, his white teeth blindingly beautiful to me. What, did he think I invited him or something? I took in a shaky breath as I stared up at him. I handed him a cannon, my hand trembling visibly. Cole grabbed it, careful not to touch me. I retracted my hand quickly.

            “You have to pull-” I started to explain but was interrupted.

            “I got it. I overheard you telling them what to do.” He told me calmly. The wind blew and I caught a whiff of whatever cologne he was wearing. I fought with myself to control an involuntary swoon at the lovely scent. He clapped his hands together cheerfully, oblivious to my inner battle. Can I run now? “So what’s the occasion? I know it’s a surprise party but what for? A birthday maybe?”

            My stomach dropped so hard that I needed a second to recover. He didn’t know. Rafiq hadn’t told him yet. “Cole…Rafiq’s leaving.” I revealed, afraid of what his reaction would be. Cole’s whole cheerful demeanor fell away quickly.

            “What do you mean…leaving?” He asked with a nervous laugh.

            “He got in trouble with his parents and now they want him to go home with them tomorrow night.” I murmured, my voice giving away all of the depression that I was feeling on the subject. Cole’s expression hardened and his jaw clenched tightly.

            “Why didn’t he tell me?” He muttered to no one in particular. I chose to answer him anyway.

            “He was probably still trying to register the whole thing. I’m sure he was going to tell you.” I responded, trying to defend Rafiq as best I could.

            “When was he going to say anything? When he was on the plane back to Europe?” He shot back in agitation. He bit his bottom lip and sighed. I felt tears well in my eyes at the thought of Rafiq on a plane heading to Europe. I tried to blink them away but he saw them and his agitation quickly died away. I saw empathy in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just can’t believe he’s leaving so suddenly and he hasn’t told me anything yet.”

            “I know,” I mumbled softly, looking away. “I’m going to go get ready to greet Raf.” I said turning to Marz and Dante as well. “You guys should come on over here within the next five minutes. He’ll be here in a few.”

            Before anyone could respond, I hurried off toward the grill. Zayna and Noor were both here now and Zayan was still sweating over the fiery grill in his barbeque stained white tank top, trying to finish up. Noor was seasoning burgers and Zayna sat on the sand watching him with a soft smile. I plopped down beside her. “Assalamu alaikum Leela,” She said, turning to give me a quick hug.

            “Wa alaikum assalam.” I replied with a small smile. Before I could say much else, I saw my parents’ car pulling up to the beach from a distance. I stood up quickly. “They’re here!” I shouted and everybody’s heads turned. They hurried and stood on either side of the wooden posts that marked the entrance to the beach. I hurried after them. The car doors opened and a flabbergasted Rafiq stumbled out of the backseat. We all set off our streamers at the same time and screamed his name happily. His mouth was ajar and he looked like he’d seen a UFO. My dad got out of the car with a small smile and clapped his hand onto Rafiq’s shoulder. I watched as Rafiq looked up at my dad before a slow grin spread across his face. For the first time in a week, his shoulders relaxed and sagged in relief. Dante and Marz ran over to Rafiq and roughed him up. Zayan jumped in not long after and I could hear Rafiq laughing hard. My mom wobbled over to me and Zayna with a light chuckle.

            “You should have seen how depressed he was on the way here.” She told us with a laugh. “He thought we were upset with him because your dad thought it would be funny to be mean to him before we got here and make him think the worst.” She murmured with a shake of her head. “I told him that would be taking it a bit far but you know your father. He’s a prankster.”

            “Well, it made for a better surprise.” I said with a soft smile. Zayna nodded before laughing loudly while Noor jumped onto Rafiq’s back and messed up his hair. She ran over and put Raf in a headlock. I suddenly realized that Cole hadn’t run up to greet Rafiq. I looked around for him and caught sight of him through the small group of people. He was looking across the way at Rafiq, his expression somber, before he felt me looking at him and our eyes locked. I looked away quickly, trying my best not to give eye contact. That was dangerous business. Sooner rather than later, Cole finally walked up to Rafiq and smiled widely like everything was perfectly fine before hugging him. I wondered why he didn’t confront Rafiq about why he hadn’t told him the truth but then realized he was trying not to ruin his night. For one night, he wanted to let his friend enjoy being happy before he was snatched away from all of us. I appreciated him for giving Rafiq that kindness.

            Rafiq was thanking everyone over and over. He hugged my parents one at a time in a way that I’d never witnessed before from him. He was obviously very emotional even though he tried to hold it in. I saw him saying something to them but I only heard part of it in passing. “-so afraid that you two would hate me forever for what I did. None of this would matter if you two chose not to forgive me. You guys mean so much to me and I know I messed up.” I heard him say earnestly. I slowly slipped off back toward the water to give them privacy and so did a lot of the rest of us.

            Zayan started fixing everyone’s plates and Noor and Zayna handed them out. It was grilled hot dogs and burgers with salad and fruit that I’d fixed at home yesterday. Some minutes later I felt someone crush me into a hug from behind playfully. I turned to see Rafiq donning a joyous grin. I grinned in response, so happy to see him in a good mood. “Daleela, this is so amazing. I couldn’t have picked a better way to spend my last days in New York.” He chuckled, letting me go and shoving his hands into his pockets.

            “It was all Ummi and Abi who came up with the idea.” I responded, giving credit where it was due.

            “I know but you still helped didn’t you?” He questioned, bumping my shoulder playfully. I nodded. He pointed to the lanterns on the beach that surrounded our little area. “I still can’t believe you guys did all of this.”

            “We all pitched in because we all love you to death.” I replied gently. I grabbed his hand causing him to pull it out of his pocket and squeezed it. “We couldn’t just let you leave without letting you know how much we care about you bro.” Rafiq smiled, his eyes glassy. I felt my own eyes started to water. I punched him. “Don’t go all soft on me.”

            “I’m fine, I just have sand in my eyes.” He muttered with a sniff, wiping his face with his sleeve. I laughed.

            “Hey Rafiq!” Dante shouted across the way. “Come over here man.”

            Rafiq looked to see who was calling him before turning back to me. I whacked him on the shoulder and grinned. “Go ahead. Be with your friends. Enjoy all of this while you still can. He grinned back before grabbing my face tightly and giving me a slightly wet kiss on the forehead. I hurriedly snatched away in mock disgust. “Ew, keep your nasty spit to yourself.” I screeched, wiping my forehead violently.

            “There was affection in that spit. Take it while you can get it.” He chuckled before walking off. I couldn’t help but laugh a little at his ridiculousness. Not too long after Rafiq’s departure, Zayna came and offered me a plate. “No thanks,” I said with a soft smile and shake of my head. I had absolutely no appetite.

            “You should really eat Leela.” Zayna offered, trying to give me the plate once again. I took it, not wanting to argue. She left to go sit down. Sooner rather than later, I wandered over to where all of the ladies were in a circle in the sand eating and talking. The guys were in their own circle a few feet away. Even in fun and games we’ve got to keep it halal. I sat down beside my mother and we all spent a long while eating and enjoying each other’s company. I noticed Jade and Charice were actually getting along really well. The more time that passed, the more Jade let down the walls she had been keeping up around Char. I was happy to see that and so relieved they were moving in a pleasant direction.

            The sun was no longer in the sky but the last colorful bits of light remained in the distance. It was finally time to pray maghrib, the evening prayer. My family retrieved some rugs to pray on from Zayna’s car and informed our non-Muslim guests that we needed to make salah. Then I remembered that I wasn’t praying for the billionth time, you know, since I’m a female. I sat on the sidelines beside Jade and Charice. They smiled, welcoming me. “Wait, why aren’t you praying with them?” Charice asked curiously. Hilariously, Jade was the one to respond to my surprise.

            “She’s probably on her period. She doesn’t have to pray when she’s on her period.” Jade whispered, looking to me for confirmation.

            “Yeah, you are absolutely correct.” I confirmed with a nod and tried not to laugh at how proud Jade was that she was right. I was actually very surprised that she’d remembered that. It seemed like a long time ago that I had mentioned it and it had only been briefly. Everyone quieted down and kept their voices at a whisper while my parents, Noor, Zayan, Zayna, and Rafiq all made salah. My eyes wandered a little ways away and I caught sight of Dante, Marz, and Cole. Marz and Dante were in deep conversation. I noticed Cole looked like he was in his own little bubble. He was watching my family pray with a deep intensity. His brow was lightly furrowed in concentration as his dark eyes followed their every move. Was he doing what I thought he was doing? He looked like a student very intent on learning something he thought was very important.

            I felt a smile spread across my face slowly. He was serious about this. He actually wanted this for himself. I don’t know how I knew but I could just tell and it made me so happy. Maybe it was just the fact that I may have had something good to look forward to in the future for the first time in a long while but I couldn’t stop the excitement from building. I wasn’t happy that he might become Muslim because I liked him. I was just happy that he was considering embracing the same religion that gave me so much solace and at times, great joy. It made my heart swell with unrestrained love for my religion.

            Suddenly, I zoned out of my inner rant enough to realize that Cole was no longer looking at everyone praying. He was looking at me staring at him. I felt heat rise to my cheeks and I quickly looked away. It took me a minute to pull myself together but I did. I wondered how long he’d just been watching me watch him. I tried to shake off my embarrassment. My family finished praying finally and everyone returned to their normal volumes. For a while everyone just talked and enjoyed each other’s company before Zayan suddenly pushed Rafiq to stand before all of us. I was confused for a moment as Rafiq cleared his throat and looked around at all of us. “I know I haven’t known some of you very long and I surely haven’t been here long either. But I feel like I’ve known some of you all of my life. Now, I don’t want to get all sentimental on you guys but I couldn’t ask for a better group of guys to have become friends with. Cole, you especially are like the brother of the brother I never had.” Rafiq joked. Cole was the only one who understood the joke was in reference to Aiken and he laughed although there was sadness in his eyes. “No,seriously though, I feel like we’ve become brothers so quickly and I know you’ll always have my back and I’ll have yours.”

            “Charice and Jade,” Rafiq said, surprising all of us. They looked up at the sound of their names. “I haven’t gotten to know you two personally but I thank you for taking care of my little smurf of a sister and befriending her when she was the only Muslim in school. I appreciate it and I know for a fact that Daleela does too. Zayan and Zayna, you two are as much my older siblings as Juwayrah is and I’ve enjoyed reconnecting with you two after all these years. Sure you pester me a lot but I love you guys anyway. Noor…you’re really good at taking care of Zayna. No, I’m joking. You’re a really cool dude and I couldn’t ask for a cooler bro as an in-law. You’re pretty dope, no lie. Aunty and Uncle, I want to apologize again for being a disruption to your household and only making trouble. You two don’t deserve that at all and I don’t know why I make such crappy choices and screw up so much but I’m sorry. Even though I’ve given you hell these past months, you guys haven’t once threatened to send me home or throw me to the curb once. I can’t express how grateful I am for that. I’ve enjoyed every single moment I’ve spent in both of your presence. When I’m with you guys, I feel like I’m the best version of myself. I love you guys so much and I pray that Allah gives you both the highest place in paradise, Ameen. Sometimes I wish you guys were…” Rafiq choked on his words and his voice broke. He cleared his throat and turned his attention to me instead of finishing his sentence.

            “Daleela, you’re literally my best friend. You always have been. Insha’Allah you always will be. We’ve been through a lot together and it seems like every time we meet, we go on a new adventure. Although our most recent adventure hasn’t been so great, I’m already planning our next one and I have some good ideas already. I know I probably wouldn’t have been your first pick as an extra brother but I’m so glad your mom nursed me for those two weeks when my mom was sick fifteen years and three months ago. I thank Allah every day for blessing me with such an incredible sister like you. Even though you’re the craziest most deranged kid I’ve ever met, you’re also the most adorable little punk I know. And, all awkwardness aside, I love you for the sake of Allah and I hope that my parents don’t keep me away anywhere near as long as they did last time. But even if they do, since we’re fated friends and all that that can naturally pick up exactly where we left off, we’ll be good.” Rafiq consoled me. I felt the tears welling in my eyes the whole time he spoke and when he finished I let out a soft sob as they began to fall. This was real. He was leaving. And I just couldn’t take it. Rafiq came over to me and got on his knees in the sand in front of me. I pulled him into a hug and cried into his shoulder.

            “You can’t go…please Rafiq. Don’t,” I whispered, barely able to speak. He just hugged me tighter because he knew anything he said would just make it worse. I knew very well that he couldn’t do anything about his current situation. I also knew I was acting like a child about the whole thing but he understood me and I needed him here. I felt like he was the only one I could go to when I needed to talk lately. Rafiq leaving would leave a hole the size of Asia in me. It had hurt enough when Zayan left for the short time that he did but I had no guarantee that Rafiq would return anytime soon, if at all and it hurt even more deeply to think that I wouldn’t see him for years.

            “I’ll be back…one day insha’Allah.” He whispered in response and that just added more pain to my wound because I couldn’t hear an ounce of surety in his voice.

* * *

            After all of the waterworks were finished and I was milked dry of tears, we all said kind words about Rafiq and what we’d miss about  him when he was gone. It almost felt like he was going to die shortly instead of just go away with his parents. And honestly, on the way home as we sat in the back of Zayna’s car, I watched Rafiq carefully out of the corner of my eye. He looked like he was literally just put on death row. He wasn’t ready but I could tell he was really trying to be. I could see the mental battle on his face as he attempted to mentally prepare himself to leave us. I couldn’t stand to watch it, so I turned away to look out of my own window.

            When we got home, I hopped out of the car in a rush. I just wanted to go to sleep. I was ready to smother myself in my dreams to escape reality. But then a whole new curveball was thrown at me when Cole got out of my parents car. I was so shocked that I tripped while walking up the stairs on our front stoop. “Are you okay?” Zayna asked worriedly.

            “Yeah, sure.” I muttered as she helped me up. “Why is he here exactly?” I questioned, gesturing to Cole who was making his way towards us at a respectful distance behind my parents.

            “I don’t know.” Zayna replied with a deep frown. I could tell she wasn’t happy that he’d be anywhere near me and vice versa.

            “Cole, not that I’m not glad to see you brah, but what are you doing here?” Rafiq asked in confusion.  Before Cole could answer, my dad interrupted.

            “Let’s go in the house first.” Abi said, taking over the conversation before it even started. There was a slight grin on his face as he gave my mom a knowing look. She grinned back at him. What was going on exactly?

            We all slowly but surely made our way into the house, taking off our shoes on the way in. I went and sat on the sofa near my parents, Zayna sat in the loveseat on Noor’s lap, Zayan sat down on the floor, and Rafiq and Cole stood awkwardly before my mom told Raf to fetch a dining room chair for Cole. This was getting weirder and weirder by the second. Once Cole and Rafiq were seated my dad spoke. “Cole,” He said, obviously giving some type of signal for him to speak.

            “Um,” Cole mumbled before clearing his throat. He turned a little so that he was facing Rafiq. Raf looked up at him expectantly. “Well, since you didn’t exactly tell me you were dipping out on me ahead of time, I didn’t have time to get a goodbye gift prepared. Therefore you’ve forced me to have to think quickly. All I know is there’s something I really want you to witness before you leave. Especially since you’re the one who helped me out when it came to figuring out if this was what I really wanted. I’ve known that I’ve wanted to do this for a long time but I think I only just built up the true courage to follow through with it.”

            Rafiq’s eyes lit up as a smile spread across his face. “No way,” He said, standing up from his spot on the floor. Cole smiled back, unable to hold it back after seeing Raf’s reaction. “You’re finally going to do it!”

            My parents were smiling genuinely at the both of them. And then it hit me. Was this for real? He was going to do it now! I barely contained myself in that moment. “Yeah bro, I want to become Muslim tonight.”

            Zayna’s eyes widened at his words and Zayan looked taken aback. I couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped my lips. This was happening, finally. The joy that went through me was inescapable. “Are you ready?” My father asked when Rafiq finally piped down. Noor was laughing at Zayna’s unchanging shocked expression. Zayan’s perplexed expression didn’t change either.

            “Yes sir,” Cole replied, a smile playing on his lips. His dark eyes were alit.

            “Wait!” I blurted loudly. Everybody paused to look at me. “Let me get my phone to record this.”

            “Good idea Leela,” My mom said, obviously amused by my excitement. I slid across the room and snatched my phone out of Ummi’s purse. She’d held it for me at the beach. I stood there and started recording. The real reason I wanted to record everything was for Aiken and Badriyah’s sake. I knew they would’ve preferred to witness this in person but I knew that wouldn’t be possible right now.  This was the best I could do for them.

            “Alright then,” My father said with a smile before turning serious and scooting to the edge of his seat. “Inna alhamdulillah nahmaduhu wa nastaeenauhu wa nastaghfiru wa naudhubillahi min shurrori anfusina wa min sayyiaat i amalina. mai-yahdillahu fala mudhillala; Wa mai-yudhlil fala haadi-ala.Wa ashhadu an laa ilaaha ill-Allaah wahdahu la sharika lahu wa ashhadu anna Muhammadan ‘abduhu wa rasooluhu sallalahu alayhi wa ala alihi wasallam wa ba’ad. Indeed, all praise is due to Allah, we praise Him, seek His Help, and seek forgiveness from Him. We seek protection in Allah from the evil of our own selves, and our evil deeds. Whomever Allah guides none can misguide him; whomever He misguides none can guide. I bear witness that there is no god but Allaah, the One, having no partner. And I bear witness that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.

            “As Muslims we must believe in Allah, his angels, his books, his messengers, the day of resurrection, and the Qadr which means we must believe in Allah’s decree or what he has ordained and everything that happens is by His will alone. Islam is based on five actions or pillars. We must take the shahadah or perform the declaration of faith. We must perform the five daily prayers. We must pay zakat or give charity at least once a year. We must fast in the month of Ramadan. And we must perform Hajj at least once in our lifetime if we are capable of doing so. Do you understand all of these things? Is there anything you want me to explain in more detail?”

            Cole shook his head with a grin. “I understand completely. I studied up long and hard.”

            “Alright, first you’re going to recite your shahadah in Arabic and then in English insha’Allah.” My father said calmly. Cole nodded, ready. He looked so determined that it caused me to crack a smile. “Repeat after me. Ash-hadu,”

                        “Ash-hadu,” Cole repeated.

                        “An la illaha,” My father said.

                        “An la illaha,”

                        “ilal-lallah,”

                        “ilal-lallah,”

                        “Wa ash-hadu,”

                        “Wa ash-hadu,”

                        “Anna Muhammadin,”

                        “Anna Muhammad-,”

                        “Michael,” My mom cried out all of a sudden. We all tore our eyes from Cole to look at our mother. She had risen from her seat, holding her stomach. There was a soft grimace on her face and tears came to her eyes. A look of fear seemed to overwhelm her. That’s when I noticed that the sofa where she had been sitting was completely wet. I felt my stomach flip as I lowered the phone I was using to record. She looked at her seat and then at my father with bleary eyes. “My water…it’s too early.” And that was the beginning of all chaos. There would be no shahada completed tonight.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*         

Author’s Note

Assalamu alaikum, it has been waaaaaaay too long everyone and please don’t be too upset with me. I’m going to just be straight up. I had a really horiible bout of writer’s block and then I suddenly got married (by my own decision process of course). After I got married, I put all of my focus into my husband and school. I just didn’t have time to write but I still tried when I could. Insha’Allah, I will update soon and it won’t take anywhere near as long as before. I just have to get used to writing again. I am a very different person than I was seven months ago and I have to learn to adjust my writing to that.

I just want to say thank you for your patience. I appreciate you all for your votes and follows and I’ve read every single one of your messages, even the mean ones, and either way I’m grateful for where you all have gotten me. I don’t plan on disappearing any time soon, I just had to learn to fit everything that I’m juggling into my life again. Being married is no simple thing. It’s time consuming in the best possible way and I am very happy with my progress. Masha’Allah, I just ended the year with A’s and B’s and I have to tell you, I cried so many times during this school year thinking I wouldn’t make it to the end of it without failing. I plan to enjoy this summer and give you guys some good reads insha’Allah in the process. I love you guys for the sake of Allah and pray he gives you all the good in this life and the next, Ameen.

Until Next Time,

-Jameelah

Aka

PurityInMyHeart