"I can't believe you, Candy Cane. You can't argue with the professor on the first day," Viktor said. He shook his head, then looked back down at his food.
I held up my hand. "I didn't start it, though. He called me out, and I wasn't about to back down. You know me. What else was I supposed to do?"
"Anything but that."
I shrugged. "It's over now, and as long as he doesn't back me into a corner again, I won't have to argue with him again, which will piss me off. He didn't even get to hear me when I really get going."
"Amanda. Chill."
"Do what now?"
"That's not funny. You need to learn when to just let things go."
"So I'm supposed to just let him think-"
He cut me off. "It's not your job to change what he thinks."
"But somehow it's his job to change what I think."
"That's the way it is. You just have to live through it for a semester."
I rolled my eyes. "Every time you say something like that, I'm just going to start bleating like a sheep."
"Eat your pizza. You're not you when you're hungry."
I glared at him, and I didn't eat my pizza. "You should at least try to take my side here."
"I just don't want you to be the student that's always arguing everything the professor has to say. He knows more than you on these topics, so maybe you should try to learn something."
"But the way he goes about it just sickens me. He's arrogant, and he already just told us to 'accept that there's no such thing as an individual.'"
Viktor thought for a moment. "So that's what's bothering you. He's just telling you what you should think."
"Exactly. I'm not going to buy into some bullshit just because someone tells me. I'm capable of forming my own opinions. A doctorate isn't a license to indoctrinate."
"I understand you now. I agree with you."
I smiled. "Thank you, sheep."
He shook his head and smiled.
Neither one of us said anything for a moment, but I never minded silence with Viktor. I actually usually wondered what was going on in his mind. He liked to tell me what he was feeling about something or someone, but only occasionally I got to hear his thoughts. I wished he would share them with me more often.
I thought of a way to get him to talk. "What are your goals for this season?"
"It's not hockey season yet. I haven't thought about it really," he replied.
"What do you expect from yourself?"
He gave me a smile. "Not much, Candy Cane."
I rolled my eyes. "Oh my god, you are the least competitive person I know. I swear, if my heart and your talent were put together, we'd be a first overall pick in the draft."
"Why are you so obsessed with getting me drafted?"
I looked up at him with my eyebrows raised. "Because I know damn well that we can pull it off."
"And how are you so sure of that? Life can change a person's plans in a matter of seconds. You should know that."
"Because I've put my mind to it. And if there's one thing I know how to do, it's how to get shit done. So you're going to put that number fifty to work, and I'm going to put together another list for you. A list of shit you're going to make happen on your end."
He looked at me, his head tilted to the side. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Neither do I. Sometimes, you're pretty goddamn pathetic." I laughed. "But here I am, so clearly that's not that big of a problem to me."
"I really do love you."
I let out a sigh. "You've made that known, and you know exactly how I feel about you."
He frowned. "So nothing's changed?"
"Is there a problem with that?"
He shook his head. "No, but I just wish you'd give me a chance."
I knocked my knuckles against the table and bit my cheek.
"So that's a no?" he asked.
"For now, yes."
There were several reasons for that. I figured it would be easier to miss Blaine as just a friend, but even so, I missed him in a completely different way than I missed Matt, Arti, and everyone else. I didn't know what the difference was, and I wasn't going to allow myself to dwell on it enough for me to figure it out. Emotional Amanda was always a freaking mess.
Even Blaine's daily texts with a random story from his day weren't quite good enough. They could never compare to the way his face lit up when he thought something was funny, the way he ran his fingers across my skin while he was paying attention to something else.
I had never really paid attention to it, but he was one of the most sense-oriented people. Sight, sound, touch: they were how he kept up with what was happening around him, and even though I didn't let him get away with a lot of the romantic things he wanted at first in our relationship, he shut up about it. Just because I didn't care for it.
Blaine was pretty much the best thing ever.
And stupid Emotional Amanda crashed another party. She just loved to do that.
I looked over at Viktor. I loved him too, of course, but it was different. An "I want to see you be everything you can be, and I'll kill myself to get you there" type of love. Almost a low-level maternal love, I imagined.
And as long as he could live with that, then everything would be perfectly fine between Viktor and me.
***
The next morning, I woke up to two hundred and thirty-two texts.
Blaine made a group chat with Arti, him, and me. I wasn't sure how making one slipped my own mind, but those fucking idiots always brightened my day.
I scrolled through the messages, and most of them were just the words, "wake up, Amanda."
"Good morning, fuckers," I texted. It was seven in the morning, and Blaine was always one to get up early. Arti, on the other hand, was in a time zone two hours behind us, so I figured she'd enjoy my nice morning message.
I was a sweetheart like that.
I sat up in my bed, surprised to see that Jackie wasn't there. I didn't remember her even being in the room when I fell asleep.
Maybe she met a nice guy or something.
Or maybe she got kidnapped.
I picked up my phone from beside me and sent her a text. "You're not dead, right?"
Three little dots appeared on her side of the conversation. I smiled. She wasn't dead.
"I'm fine. Thanks for making sure I'm ok," she replied with a couple heart emojis.
I sent her one last text before getting up. "Honestly, I'm pretty much obligated to make sure in this world, unfortunately."
Before I could get a response, I decided to take a shower, brush my teeth, and get dressed. I flew through my morning routine, not exactly sure why I felt the need to rush, since my classes started at noon on Tuesdays, but I felt a need to get everything done as quickly as possible.
Maybe it was the fact that I had actually gotten some sleep.
What a concept.
I ran a brush through my hair, tugging not so gently in my impatience, then looked in the mirror.
"Good enough," I mumbled to myself. If I ignored the permanent dark circles under my eyes, I looked pretty damn okay. I rearranged the covers on my bed to make it look slightly neater, then I headed up to Viktor's room. I figured he would be awake.
He was indeed awake, but apparently, he "had class", according to Diego. But Diego let me into their room anyway.
"So you're in here now. What's in it for me?" he asked.
I looked at him. "A high-five and me not getting upset. That's pretty good, to get such wonderful prizes from me."
"Why are you here anyway? Viktor's not here."
I looked over at Viktor's dresser. The top of it was bare besides a couple sheets of paper in a neat stack, and the top one had writing that looked oddly familiar. It wasn't nearly as neat as Viktor's. "I figured we could do a little chatting."
"Why?"
"Because we're both Viktor's long-running psychological experiments."
"The fuck?"
I didn't turn to look at him, but I said, "Do you want me to leave?"
"I'm pretty sure I was obvious about that. Jackie's the cute one out of the two of you."
I shook my head. "I'm adorable."
"What are you even looking at?"
I realized my eyes were still fixed on that sheet of paper. "Answers. I'm looking at answers."
He laughed. "Shit, you're dramatic."
I nodded. "The day we left home, my boyfriend gave him something, and that-" I pointed to the top sheet of paper, "is his handwriting."
"And you just know that?"
"Of course. Why wouldn't I know his handwriting?"
"You're standing, like, ten feet away from it."
I tapped my glasses. "Witchcraft."
"Well, are you going to read it or not?" Diego asked.
"I don't know yet. I bet Viktor thinks I forgot about it, but I don't forget anything, except for things that actually matter. He wouldn't tell me what's on that paper, and honestly, now that the answer to that question is right in front of me, I'm a little afraid to know."
"Stop with the theatrics. I'll read it for you." He took the sheet of paper off the dresser and cleared his throat. "Amanda Jayne for Dummies. How to handle the best nightmare you'll ever have."
"Is that it?" I asked.
He continued. "She likes pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain. She's not into yoga, and she has half a brain."
I burst into laughter. "Oh my god, Blaine, you fucking troll."
"That's not it. It also says in a nicely organized list, 'What not to do: give her up, let her down, run around, desert her, make her cry, say goodbye, tell a lie, and hurt her.'"
I sat down on Viktor's bed. "They're all song lyrics. What a goddamn idiot." I smiled. "And that dumbass Viktor fell for it."
Diego laughed. "Can I marry your boyfriend? He sounds like a decent dude."
I smiled. "Unfortunately, he's pretty straight and only likes me."
The second half was a lie though, considering he had a crush on every single girl he had ever seen. But as long as I was the last one on that long list, I didn't care.
"So am I, but I don't give a fuck as long as I'm fucking someone," Diego said.
I laughed. "You should probably avoid telling people that. It makes you sound like a walking STI."
Diego let out a laugh. "So what are you gonna do? Call Viktor out on this?"
I shook my head. "I'm just gonna let it play out. He'll get pissed if he learns that I kinda found out about the one thing he's trying to hide from me."
"Why's he even hiding it? It doesn't make sense."
I shrugged. "I have no idea. Maybe it bothers him that he's not the leading expert on the fascinating topic called me."
He handed the piece of paper to me. "You can read the rest of it if you want. It's kind of funny."
"I'll save it for a rainy day." I stood up and put it on top of the rest of the papers. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Uh, sure, I guess. No promises I'll answer it."
"Can we be friends?"
"This isn't fucking kindergarten. You can't just ask that, and poof, we're magically friends. That's dumb as fuck."
I smiled. "So is that a yes?"
"It's a definite maybe. I don't even know your last name."
"Amanda Jayne," I said. "Don't google me."
"Let me add that to my to-do list, and I'll get back to you on that friendship thing, alright?"
I nodded. "Good. Because I kinda like you."
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A new friendship is blooming for Miss Amanda. Because who doesn't love bonding over looking at another person's personal belongings.
So as you may have noticed, I've been dedicating these chapters to people who read The Exchange, voted, and commented. But I want to give you silent readers a little love too, so if you want a dedication, just leave a comment or drop me a message. And if you do fall into that category, don't hesitate to say something. I'm an okay enough person, and I live and breathe these characters, to the point where they're all I can think about. I accidentally introduced myself as Amanda one time, it's gotten so bad. Someone send help.