Even with a body snuggled close to me, I couldn't sleep. I laid awake with my eyes open for the majority of the night, and after I had slept; I woke up to an empty bed. I shut my eyes and sighed as I looked around the room with no promise. Cecilia was right, she wasn't big on commitments. I rolled from bed and headed for the shower downstairs. Cecilia was on the couch with Viper, paying no mind to me at all.
"Hey," Viper said, "thanks for.." he took a long pause and then spoke, "babysitting." Cecilia shot him a glance and smiled at him.
"Anytime." I headed into the bathroom and showered. I felt better cheating around with Cecilia knowing that Viper hardly cared for her. It'd been a week or so since they'd been together and she was getting a bit to cozy at our house. When I had showered, dressed, and applied a bit of makeup I wandered into the kitchen for something to eat. It had been a while, and my stomach could feel it.
"Viva? Is that you?"
"Yeah, what do you need?" I asked my mother.
"I have something to ask you."
"Ask away." I said coolly even though I was getting more nervous by the second.
"Could I ask you on the deck? Please." I grabbed a bottle of water and a fruit bar and headed to the porch. I walked out and she shut the door behind me. I looked from side to side trying to curve the nerves.
"Alright?" I asked and she looked me over. I was scared she was going to talk to me about being gay.
"About Cecilia." She said and my heart raced in my chest physically paining me.
"What about her?" I demanded in too harsh of a tone. My mother spun on her hands and looked at me. She assessed me critically
"I was thinking you could ask her to be a bridesmaid under you in the wedding." I sighed in relief and she mistook it for a reluctant sigh. "Viva, be the bigger person. Put your differences aside for the sake of my wedding."
"Fine." I said, pretending I was angered by her asking Cecilia. I walked inside and found Cecilia on the couch with Viper still. My mother nodded me forward and I tripped over a tile catching myself right in front of them.
"I can't watch television through you." Viper said and I smiled at him curtly.
"Cecilia, could I talk to you?" She nodded to Viper and got up off the couch. She followed me into the doorway area and I looked outside to see Bella walking up the driveway. Joy rushed through me and I tried not to express it.
"Is that why you brought me over here? To rub Bella in my face?"
"No!" I realized the timing of the situation and I sighed, "I swear. Listen, ten seconds."
"I don't care if she's better to you than I could be," she turned to walk away, "leave me out of it."
"No! I wanted to ask if you'd be a bridesmaid." She turned to look at me as I opened the door to Bella.
"But not for you." She said, "For your mother." She walked into the living room and made sure her makeout session with Viper could be seen from the doorway.
"Hey." Bella said ripping her eyes from them.
"Hi, how did you know where I lived?" I asked, looking around the semi-clean house.
"Savannah told me," she said, "I put in a personal favor, she made the cheer team." I was overjoyed again and smiled.
"That's so good for her, thank you!" I hugged her tight to me and remembered how little she was.
"We agreed that we could meet whenever either of us wanted, I wanted." She smiled at me shyly and I tucked her into my arm.
"Vivian? Who's that?"
"A friend, I'm going out mom." I ushered her to the driveway and felt the relief as I had remembered to put the keys into my pocket this morning. I got in the car and Bella looked at me as she climbed in.
"What was that about?"
"I haven't told her I'm-" I stopped, "whatever I am."
"Lesbian?" She said the word and I was slightly disgusted by it. I didn't want to be, and the fact that I probably was made me sick. I shut my eyes and started the car.
"Yeah, that." I pulled from the driveway, "Where do you feel like going?"
"I don't know," she said slowly and I realized I might have hurt her with the tone I took towards lesbian, "I don't care." I sighed and stopped the car. The anger was boiling under my skin, and I gripped the wheel hard to keep from shaking. She realized the state I was in and got out of the car. I killed the engine and got out of the car too. She looked me over from across the car and I was curious as to what she was thinking but knew not to ask because of the way my voice would sound. "Let's go for a walk." She suggested and I walked around to her, breathing heavily to keep myself calm. She took my hand and I could feel the noticeable temperature of my skin against hers. She looked an afflicted and continued walking.
"I'm sorry." I said at last and my voice cracked. I frowned and she looked me over. I felt the tears welting and I let go of her hand.
"What is it?" She asked.
"Bella," I started, "you're really nice, and you're adorable. You make my heart skip beats, but it's not fair of me to be anything with you."
"What?" She asked, slowly as she raised an eyebrow.
"I can't be with you," I said, "I'm sorry."
"Why?" She was braver than I would have been and I felt bad in destroying a child.
"I think I love Cecilia." She looked at me sadly.
"I understand," she said, "she's more grown up than I am, even if we're the same age. Right?" I thought it over and nodded. It was accurate of her to assume and I shut my eyes.
"I'm so sorry." She shook her head.
"Don't bother being sorry." She turned from me and walked towards her house. It had to be a half an hour walk and I walked after her.
"Hey," I stopped her, "listen." She stopped and listened as I had asked.
"Listening." She said impatiently. Tears were in her eyes, and I felt the hatred growing by the minute.
"Let me give you a ride, we can talk it over a bit more."
"I don't need your pity right," I stopped her and pressed my foreheard into hers and she looked at me. I pressed my lips to hers gently and held her close to me.
"It's not, I might love Cecilia, but I still like you. I'd be with you if it were right, I don't want to hurt you."
"I understand." I kissed her again gently.
"Stay right here, let me get my car." She nodded and I ran back to the house. I pulled the car the rest of the way from the driveway and pulled up to her. She climbed into the car and I pulled off towards her house.
"Thank you for the ride," she nodded.
"No problem, please don't hate me."
"I don't." She whimpered.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, "I just know what Cecilia did to you, and know that as long as she's around I'll be just as bad."
"I respect that, thank you." She took my hand and we drove in silence until we got to her house. I pulled to the side and she got out. I climbed around to hug her, and she wrapped her arms around me. I pulled her close and kissed her forehead. She turned from me before I could see if she were crying or not. She started up the driveway and didn't turn.
"Thank you for the last two days." I said, "You've helped me figure it out."
"You're welcome." She walked into the house and shut the door. I sighed and headed home. The car started and the radio was a distraction. I ignored the world and just drove. When I got home, I could sense something was wrong. I walked into the door of the house and shut it gently. My mother stood with her arms crossed over her chest and she was breathing heavily. I watched her face change as she saw me.
"What?" I asked trying to walk past her.
"Not so fast," her face was tinted red and I grimaced as I watched her expression change yet again to one I knew so well- anger. "We've got a lot of words to be said."
"I'm sure we do, I'm only seventeen, that gives us another few years." I motioned for her to move and she shoved my back into the door hard. I winced and tried to pry her off of me.
"Don't get smart with me!" She yelled, "I won't be having a liar in my house! Do you hear me?"
"Yeah, loud and clear- considering you're screaming!" I yelled back broke my mothers hold on me. She looked mortified as I headed for my room. She walked to the bottom of the rugged stairs and glanced up at me with a newer pain in her eyes.
"When were you going to tell me you were-" she had trouble saying the word because her whole life she'd gotten nothing but perfection out of Viper and here I was failing her, "gay?" She spit it out in an acid like tone and it almost burned me except for I realized I couldn't feel anything over the adrenaline coursing through me. My mother had never laid her hands on me, and tonight will be marked as the first. She thought less of me because I was gay.
"I wasn't, but the secret is out now, I'm gay." I turned and walked up the stairs without another word to her. I slammed my door and laid in bed contemplating what to do, and who to tell. I texted Savannah but she was heading into cheer practice. I decided I'd already filled Bella's head with hurt, and her mind with distrust, so I shut my phone off. If I couldn't contact someone, I didn't want anybody contacting me. I shut my eyes and just lay limp in the covers, trying to keep from sobbing. I heard a small tap at my door, and tried to pretend I was asleep.
"Viva, I know you're not sleeping." The voice on the other end was familiar but I couldn't place it. "Can I come in?"
"Yes." I said, staring at my door with an intense glare trying to use the x-ray vision superheroes always had. I allowed entry mainly because I wanted to know who was at my door in the first place. My father stepped into view and smiled weakly at me. I gasped and tried to contain the surprise. I sat up straight quickly.
"Hi Viva," my dad spoke my nickname and it made me weak, "can we talk?" I choked up and only nodded. He walked over and sat at the edge of my bed. "Your mother didn't mean it," he watched my expression, which probably looked terribly hurt. He'd been absent for so long, and he chooses now to come back. "She's just hurt."
"That makes two of us." He didn't notice I meant I was hurt due to him. He nodded and patted my hand.
"Why didn't you tell anybody Viva?"
"I just figured out myself!" I nearly yelled. I recapped a mental list of everybody who knew about me being gay and realized it was just Bella and Cecilia. Rage was taking hold of me, and I lost it. I pushed up from my bed and barged into Viper's room. Cecilia rolled off from him and stared up at me in disbelief.
"What the hell?" Viper asked but I didn't have time to answer. My hands were around Cecilia's wrists and I turned her into the wall. I pinned her there, and got into her face.
"Why the fuck did you tell my mom I was gay?!" I yelled in front of Viper, not giving a fuck if he knew I was gay or didn't.
"What are you talking about?" She demanded as I tightened my grip and felt her squirm, "You're gay?!"
"You'd like to pretend you have no fucking idea what I'm talking about, wouldn't you?!" I yelled and shook her into the wall with a harder force.
"Vivian!" My father's voice was loud and his hands were around me in seconds. I turned to him and raised a fist but he clamped it to my side before I could swing. I wiggled to get free, but he was stronger.
"Mom!" Viper yelled from the door frame, "Vivian's lost it! Call for help!" My strength grew by the minute and after a couple, I turned to my dad and broke his hold on me easily breathing heavily. I spun and Cecilia winced as she shrunk down the wall. She already knew why I hated her, but Viper didn't. I looked her over once before I turned to Viper to hit him for ever bringing Cecilia into this house, for ever making me indirectly realize I was gay but something pinched into my thigh. I cried out and collapsed to the ground. I pulled the source out and rolled over to look at the door frame. A paramedic, a man in a suit, and my mother stood over me as I fell weak to the three of them. My head was spinning and my body ached, but I felt tired.
"Fuck you." I muttered out loud as the world turned black, "fuck all of you."