Diamonds & Pearls
Before You Read: Hey guys! Quick reminder here! If you're delaying a prayer right now to read this story, stop whatever you're doing and go pray! Don't let anything take you away from Allah. Especially not this story. Now if you're all prayed up, go ahead and enjoy this chapter.
CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR-Her Name is Me
Each day, new information was revealed about the files that Badriyah had released. On the second day, it was revealed that Alayna, Cole's mother, was arrested for being involved with the murder of Clayne Brackson. According to the news, there was solid evidence that she and howards plotted together to take Brackson's money. Ha! I'd known that for months. The saddest part of Alayna being arrested was the image of Cole and his siblings in the background. He was holding Clover who had huge tears in her eyes. She didn't understand what was happening. Kale and Rode stayed close to Cole's side. They looked confused but at ease being at their big brother's side. Aiken stood tall at Cole's side with a supportive hand on his shoulder. It looked right to see them all together again. Cole needed Aiken and it was heartwarming to see him there. The news anchor went to Cole.
"I know you must be going through a lot of emotions right now. Did you know that your parents were murderers?" The news anchor asked. I was appalled at the phrasing of her question. Cole held back his aggravation at Howards being called his parent. Aiken narrowed his eyebrows in disdain but stayed silent. He was allowing Cole to be his own man.
"My siblings and I have been through a lot. I have always known that Howards was a horrible human being. As you've seen in the videos, I've been...abused by him countless times. My mother...I never thought she was capable of something like this. What she's done to our family is unforgivable. My father was a good man. She didn't deserve him." Cole's words were harsh and I thought after everything he would look relieved but his shoulders sagged and his eyes were sad. This was my first time seeing his face since that time in the hospital. I felt a pang in my heart. His mother had broken his heart and so had I.
On the third day, Aiken came forward. After that, all hell broke loose. He told the world the story of how he had to run for his life for years and how his stepfather had been out to kill him for his inheritance. Badriyah stood by him the whole time. "I am Aiken Brackson, Alayna Howards' eldest son. I've been running for two years and in hiding for one. My mother never reported me missing because she had things at stake that were more important to her than me. My mother Alayna Howards and stepfather Jim Howards ruined my life and more importantly those of my younger siblings. I am sure that they are more broken than I will ever be. I stand in front of you now to say this. This is a large scale issue. Jim Howards has not only hurt my family; he's also hurt Daleela Lewis' family and ruined thousands of kids' lives to drug addiction. To let him get away with all that he's done would be a shameful day for America. Do not let this man poison our streets. Do not let this man poison our minds. Do not allow him to hurt anyone else. I'm begging you all to stand for justice. It is on us to take on injustice every chance we get. People only want justice when it suits them but we are supposed to be a country united. At least that is what my father, Clayne Brackson, instilled in me."
I sat, curled up on the sofa, watching Aiken speak. He looked like the hero that the media would listen to. "And to the girl who suffered at the hands of Jim Howards and was crucified by the media for it; Daleela, I pray that God heals you and your family. I apologize for the evil things that have been done and said to you. I can't fix what happened but I want you to know that I stand with you as any true American and human being should."
Thank you, I thought silently. It felt good to hear someone say that they were with me when I felt like the whole world was against me. For days I sat in front of the television watching everything unfold as more and more was revealed. Howards people tried to dismiss everything as hearsay but the evidence was overwhelming. It irked me that most of what they talked about was the money he'd stolen and not the lives he'd ruined. I would forever be scarred by these events but no one truly cared. Or so I thought.
After a while, people started sending me flowers and cards. I sat in my bed reading letter after letter from strangers I'd never met. One letter really touched my heart.
Dear Daleela,
Your world has been flipped upside down and you're probably going through a lot. You don't know me but when I first saw your story, I followed it closely. My child was kidnapped many years ago and I saw myself in your mother. I just want you to know that although there's so much hate in the world, you are loved. Don't let the things that happened to you ruin your life. You are spectacular and you are a gift to this world. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your tunnel just seems a little longer than most at the moment. Although you don't see us, there are so many people who have fought to get your story out there and have fought to bring you home. Don't let the media allow you to think that there aren't people out there who believe your life matters. Please continue to shine your light on the world and become someone whose name we'll never forget.
With Love and Support,
Laquisha Reynolds
My face dampened as silent tears ran down my cheeks onto the paper. It's like she knew exactly what I needed to hear. The fact that she'd actually took the time out of her day to go through the trouble of sending it to me meant so much. I was grateful for all of the beautiful poems, drawings, and letters sent to me by all of these kind hearted human beings. Lately, those feelings of worthlessness that the world pushed on me were breaking me down. But now, It's like I could feel the love of these people filling the dark broken crevices within my heart. Maybe the world truly wasn't all dark and terrible. Although my problems were still problems, there was hope rising again inside of me. I felt like if I focused on love and prayer, I would become so strong that the racism, sexism, and islamophobia that tried so hard to bring me lower in my darkest moment would not affect me this way ever again. I was now determined to rise up from these ashes born anew.
* * *
With each miraculous new day that I was written to see, my heart got stronger. It was a slow progression but it was getting better. I spent my every waking moment with my eyes in a book trying to learn and envelope my mind with knowledge. It preoccupied the dark thoughts that often fought against my progress. I was making it though slowly but surely. My family was worth the fight and so was I. As my heart got stronger, something still ailed me. I wondered night after night about Cole and his siblings. He plagued my mind no matter how hard I tried to shake him. I played scenes in my head of me apologizing to him again and again. I was wrong and I wanted him to know how sorry I was for hurting him. He risked his life to find me and I'd used him in my moment of weakness.
I had to stop thinking about it. Talking to him would be backtracking my progress. He would take me back to feelings that I was trying so hard to get rid of. I couldn't take thinking about us right now. I wasn't strong enough to face him yet. So, for the billionth time, I tried to erase him from my mind and delve back into the lives of the characters in the book that lay on my lap. I heard a small snore. Sulaiman lay with his chunky arms and legs sprawled across the sofa. He was gone to the world and it was the absolute cutest thing in existence. I felt my heart warming at the sight of him as I ran a hand gently through his black curls. He was so beautiful. His small pink lips puckered slightly before his face relaxed once again. His dimple on his smooth little brown cheek made an appearance. Oh, how I loved that boy. I would die to protect him. I prayed that he never let the darkness in the world inhibit him and that he became a strong Muslim man. I knew that if he became a good Muslim, it would be a gift to humanity because he would be good to everyone regardless of who they were or where they came from.
Speaking of good Muslims, many Muslims started to come by and make sure we were okay. Alhamdullilah, they'd taken great care of my family while I had been in captivity. They'd waited a while to start coming around again as my father had told them that I needed the space to heal. Almost every day a family would come from different parts of the city with gifts and prayers for me. It was such a beautiful gesture that I could barely keep myself from crying as I thanked them. I prayed for them and I asked Allah to grant them paradise. It amazed me that people cared enough to go out of their way for us. Supporting the Muslim community is always rewarding but seeing them turn around to support you is even more incredible. The ummah felt like what it was actually supposed to be; a family.
***
"Assalamu alaikum," I greeted cheerfully through my new cell phone.
"Wa alaikum assalam! Oh my Allah, Daleela. It's so good to hear from you." Nisa squealed through the phone. I had to remove the phone from my ear momentarily so as not to receive permanent damage to my hearing.
"It's great to hear from you too Nisa." I laughed, warmed by her bubbly voice. "I'm so sorry that I kept rejecting your calls. I feel so bad about it. I was just in a really bad mental space after everything happened." I said, turning serious.
"Don't feel bad. I know you were overwhelmed and going through a lot. I can't imagine what you went through. It breaks my heart thinking about any of it. I really can't imagine." She sniffled, her voice breaking slightly. "But I asked Allah to bring you back to me when you were ready and here you are hitting up my line."
I grinned, pushing away the tears. "Thank you for not hating me. I would probably hate me if I were you."
"Daleela, if you don't shut up with that nonsense. You know that I will always be here for you insha'Allah. Plus, I could never hate you. You're too darn cute." She giggled. I laughed and it just felt incredible to be speaking to my friend after so long. She was everything I could ever wish for in a friend and more.
"How are things going? I know it's been a little over six months since we last spoke. So much has probably changed for you." I asked, worried that I'd missed way too much. Time had passed so quickly and I hadn't realized how long it had been until I'd said it aloud. It had been seven months since I'd been kidnapped. At least I could honestly say that I was in a better place now.
"Things are great actually. I've been wanting to tell you this for a while so don't get mad that you're just finding out, okay." She warned nervously. My stomach felt like it was knotting up but I swallowed my fears.
"I promise I won't get mad. Go ahead. What's up?" I probed her to go on. She let out a relieved sigh before speaking.
"I'm engaged!" She shrieked into my ear. I felt the knot in my stomach loosen and excitement build up inside of me.
"Oh my Allah, no way. Stop lying Nisa. No way!" I screamed into the phone, spazzing all over my bed. "How? When? With who?"
"Well, it just kind of happened. My dad got a call from my fiancé. We started talking and now we're crazy about each other." She sighed dramatically. You could hear the sappiness in her voice. "We decided to get engaged a couple weeks ago."
"Congratulations!" I said, tears literally welling up in my eyes. A few tears fell in happiness and sadness because I had missed so much. "May Allah make your marriage forever pleasant and beautiful, Ameen. I'm so proud of you. You're so amazing Nisa. You're an inspiration to me and I love you dearly. I hope you know that."
"I do. Thanks Leela, that means so much to me." She whispered and I could hear her getting choked up as well.
"So who's the lucky guy?" I asked after we'd both pulled ourselves together. The line went silent. "Nisa?"
"I honestly don't know if I should say. We're kind of keeping things private for now for his sake and I want to respect his wishes. I hope you understand." She responded, speaking every word very carefully. I felt a pang of hurt that she wouldn't share his identity with me but maybe we'd grown apart because of me. Maybe I'd hurt her and she wasn't sure if she could trust me again. Or maybe, it was just as she'd said.
"Oh...okay. Sure." I replied, trying not to sound the way I felt. Me being me, I couldn't let it be. "Can you at least tell me if I know him? Is he from our masjid?" I asked, hopeful for at least a hint.
"Yeah, he actually is. You probably grew up around him but that's all I'll say so stop asking." She said playfully. She was right though. I shouldn't pry. Hearing her news made me yearn to know more about where she was in life.
"Alright, alright. I'll shut up." I groaned in annoyance. Meanwhile, my mind was sorting through all the boys I grew up around and wrestled. But everyone I could think of had moved away a long while ago or were jerks. I really wished she'd tell me who it was. I didn't want her to marry an asshole. I prayed silently that he was a great guy.
* * *
One week later...
Someone was ringing the doorbell frantically and no one was answering. I rolled my eyes in annoyance. When Zayan yelled for me to answer it even though he was already downstairs. I huffed down the stairs in aggravation. When I got to the door, I basically screamed "Who is it?"
"Your brother from another mother." Rafiq yelled back. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest as I swung the door open. I barely got a look at him before crashing into his arms. He hugged me tightly for a moment and I tried not to cry. It felt like it had been ages since I'd seen him.
"Where have you been?" I screeched, pulling away from him and punching him in the shoulder. "You were supposed to be back months ago."
"I know, I know. I'm sorry La La. I was a little busy handling some urgent business." He smirked and then stepped to the side. Nisa was getting out of the car which didn't make sense because Nisa was at home in Virginia, not here in New York. But there she was right in front of me with a blush so bright, she nearly resembled a tomato or some other odd red fruit.
Then it all clicked like two pieces that were always meant to fit together.
"No effing way." I whispered in disbelief as Nisa nervously walked up to the door. She looked up at me through her long brown lashes.
"Daleela, meet my fiancé." She exclaimed with a shy look at Rafiq. "Surprise!"
I looked between the both of them in utter disbelief. I had to be in some time of weird alternate dimension because never in a million years would I have paired these two together. But I knew in my heart that something felt right about them being together. Rafiq needed a gentle spirited girl who would slap the crap out of him when necessary and keep him in line. And as soft and gentle as Nisa had always been, she probably needed a little Italian thug in her life. I laughed aloud at the thought.
"What's funny?" Raf asked with furrowed brows. I started laughing harder as I imagined them actually married. They would kill each other but they would love each other just as fiercely. I couldn't believe Rafiq cared enough about her to settle down. I couldn't have seen him married until his late twenties or early thirties. But here he was at seventeen, making one of the biggest decisions of his life.
"I'm sorry," I finally gasped as I caught my breath. "It's just that I never would have seen this coming. It's fantastic. Mabrook. I'm proud of you guys, I really am. You'll be great together insha'Allah."
I hugged them tightly before pinching them both on the arm simultaneously. "Ow!" They screeched, shrinking back.
"That's for keeping this from me for so long." I huffed in play annoyance. "I practically brought you two together."
Nisa laughed and Rafiq rolled his eyes. "Yeah, of course you did." Raf mumbled sarcastically. "I did all the work."
We laughed and giggled as we all came inside to sit. Zayan sat sprawled across the sofa like all of this was completely normal. Then I realized he knew already. I smacked his leg hard. He looked up at me like I was crazy then grinned. I ignored him. I guess everybody knew but me.
"Can Xavier come inside? He's waiting in the car." Nisa asked shyly. She looked worried that I might say no. I wasn't worried. My crush on Xavier felt like it happened in another life.
"Of course," I nodded. I was happy that I'd already threw on a scarf and abaya because I really didn't feel like running upstairs. Nisa went to the door and waved her brother inside. I had wondered how she'd gotten here with Raf without her parents. Xavier came inside and I was sort of dumbstruck. He looked so different. His hair was cut into a short style and his skin was tan. I didn't know he could tan. He used to be so pale and skinny. Now he was a couple sizes buffer but it evened out because of his height. I realized I was staring when his eyes met mine. He smiled wide and I noticed that he had a small scruff of hair on his chin and a mustache. I smiled back, attempting to play off my obvious staring. I was definitely shaken by his entire appearance.
"Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatullah," He announced, making his way to greet Zayan. Zayan stood and they hugged briefly before sitting down.
"Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullah." I replied but it was barely above a whisper. It felt so weird to see him look so differently. And I was attracted honestly. The main thing that really affected me was the realization of how much time had passed. Everyone was moving forward. What was I doing? What had I done to progress my life in the past year? I couldn't think of anything.
It's not my fault, I chided myself mentally. I've gone through a lot.
I still felt saddened by my life and how it had turned for the worst. I took a deep breath and shook my head slightly to clear my thoughts. Things were getting better. I was still young and insha'Allah my time would come. But still, I wanted things from life. After all I had gone through, I still wanted more from life. For a while I'd given up on everything and everyone. Everything had seemed so bland and colorless to me when I'd come home from the hospital. After some months of trying to heal, bit by bit I was starting to see sparks of color in the people and things around me. The me that I missed was slowly making her way back to where she belonged. That was something to be proud of.
"So Rafiq," I started with a raised eyebrow. "Are you going to explain what happened or what?"
Rafiq's face went pink and he coughed to cover his embarrassment. I couldn't help it; I laughed. This had to be the real deal. No girl had ever made Raf turn pink before. Well, except me when I talked about my period around him. I had always liked making boys squirm. It gave me a weird satisfaction that I couldn't name. Rafiq cleared his throat and then spoke. "Well after I met her when she visited here that one time, I couldn't get her out of my head. I tried to let it go. But then after everything that happened with you...I realized how short life can be. I've been focused on the wrong things for a while and now I've kind of refocused on my relationship with Allah and...well on Nisa."
"Well, I'm glad. I hope she can stop you from cursing so much. Your mouth is just foul." I chuckled with a wink at Nisa. Rafiq rolled his eyes.
"Any way, it took me a while to build up the courage because I'm young and I didn't think anyone would approve of my intentions. I kept thinking that I would regret it if I didn't try. So I got Xavier's number from Zayan and then called him to get her dad's number. Her dad wasn't pleased at all. He was upset because he felt like Nisa was too young for marriage. I accepted it as a failed effort and sulked for a long while. Then like a month later, her dad called me back and told me that he'd allow me to come and have a sit down with her and her family. When I told my parents, my mom was ecstatic because you know she loves weddings. My dad was extremely upset. He kind of disapproves because he feels like I have no means to take care of a wife. I understand where he's coming from but I feel like we can work it out if all parties are willing. So, even though my dad didn't approve, I flew to Virginia to talk. We all really hit it off and Nisa fell for me right away. I flew out like six more times and now we're engaged."
"I did not fall for you right away!" Nisa shrieked with a scarlet red blush staining her cheeks. "I still kind of don't like you." She mumbled in annoyance.
"She definitely likes him. All she does is talk about Rafiq and the wedding. My brain is partially melting from all of her blabbering." Xavier groaned, falling dramatically against the backing of his seat. I burst out laughing.
"If you think Nisa has it bad, Raf is probably twenty times worse. I can almost guarantee it." I laughed, teasing him. "I can't wait to ask his mom what he's been like. I'll give you the inside scoop Nisa."
"You will not be asking my mother anything." Rafiq said firmly. His voice cracked and we all started laughing.
"That's what you think." I replied jestingly.
We sat there for hours laughing, talking, and teasing the future bride and groom. I felt a lightness in my heart and happiness in my soul. I'd missed life being so simple and beautiful. I prayed that night for my dearest milk brother and my wonderful best friend. I prayed that Allah made them good for each other and a blessing for one another. I knew things wouldn't be easy for them being that they were so young. A lot of people would give them a hard time and life in general would be rough. Even with all things considered, I still believed there was good in this. I've seen it go right too many times to be against it. Some people just know exactly what they want sooner than others. I just prayed to Allah that He made them of those who had a successful, beautiful, and powerful relationship.
* * *
I stood in front of the mirror staring at my outfit critically. My mom had bought me a very professional looking two-piece outfit. It consisted of a two toned abaya and a matching blazer. The top of the abaya was a clean dark black. The waist came in a little and then the bottom of the dress was a bright white. The blazer was white with black buttons. I'd chosen a white under scarf and a black hijab to go with it. I had my scarf hanging loosely since I had an under scarf to cover my hair and neck. But something about my favorite style suddenly made me feel like I looked unhinged. So, I changed the loose style to a neat style that was closely pulled to my head.
I sighed and tried to keep it together. "Today will be the last day I have to see his face Insha'Allah." I tried to assure myself. Please Allah, make this time the last the last time.
There was a knock on my door and I knew it was time. "Come in," I said softly, willing my voice not to shake. My door opened slowly and my dad entered, an unreadable expression on his face. When his eyes met mine, I knew he saw everything I was feeling. He came to me without speaking and held me for Allah knows best how long. He held me until the tremors of fear left my body then he slowly released me. He looked down at me, took my head in his hands and kissed my forehead.
"Remember that whatever happens today, Allah will be the final judge. We'll be right behind you the whole time my love. If you need us, we'll be right there. All of us." He told me quietly, his eyes sad. I nodded because there was a lump in my throat and I couldn't find it in me to speak. We all knew that the possibilities of me winning were probably slim. The jury had finally made their decision and none of us were optimistic about it even with all the incriminating evidence. So, we put our faith in Allah and we walked out of the door.
* * *
I sat on a bench outside of the courtroom waiting. My father was tending to Sulaiman's dirty diaper and my mom stood to the side talking to her mother on her cellphone. She looked as if she was about to burst into tears. Zayan, Zayna, her husband, and Rafiq were on their way. Apparently, a traffic accident caused them to have to take a detour. I heard many footsteps and almost didn't look up. When I did, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. Aiken, Badriyah, Cole, Rode, Kale, and Clover were all making their way towards me. I stood up so abruptly that I nearly tripped over my abaya.
Like a magnet, my gaze met Cole's. The last time I saw him was in the hospital and he hadn't been happy with me at all. I looked away from him before seeing his reaction to me. I feared he would hate me but more than that, I feared Allah. I turned my gaze to Badriyah and she smiled big at the sight of me. We also hadn't seen each other in a very long time. She came to me and hugged me tightly before releasing me and looking me over worriedly. "How are you Daleela?" She asked quietly.
"I'm scared of what's coming." I replied honestly. She smiled softly at me and squeezed my shoulder lightly.
"Don't worry, everything will be fine. Trust me." She told me with a wink. She looked so sure that I felt myself relax. There was a mischievous twinkle in her eye that made me wonder if she'd done something but before I could ponder further, I felt small arms wrap around my legs. I looked down and Clover held me tightly. My heart nearly melted. I couldn't believe she even remembered me.
"You gonna win!" She screeched, looking up at me with big green eyes. She wore a green dress and a white bow in her hair which was in two wavy ponytails. She looked adorable. Kale and Rode wore little suits with green and white ties. I almost died from how adorable they all were.
"Thank you Clover." I laughed, tears filling my eyes. I scooped her up into my arms. "Have you been nice to your brothers?" I asked with a sniffle.
"Yeah. I have a new brother. His name is Aiky." She grinned proudly while pointing to Aiken. Aiken grinned widely, looking completely proud of being called Aiky. She brought her adorable little lips to my ear and whispered, "Don't tell Aiky because he'll cry but Cole is my favorite."
I snorted loudly in laughter before covering my mouth in embarrassment. I heard Cole laugh before disguising it as a cough. I felt my skin getting hot, still forcing myself not to look at him. "Daleela oinked like a pig, haha." Clover blurted, giggling like crazy.
"Why you gotta put me on blast like that Clover?" I mumbled with a blush. She continued to giggle and her brothers joined in. A few seconds later Clover grew impatient with me holding her and she wiggled out of my grip, sliding to the floor. I gasped but apparently, she knew what she was doing. I smirked as she raced off, causing Rode, Kale, and Badriyah to chase after her. This left Aiken, Cole, and I to stand there awkwardly. I instinctively turned to Aiken to avoid Cole. "Assalamu alaikum," I said with a genuine smile. He smiled back politely. His hair was back to its natural color and he wasn't wearing his brown contacts. His eyes were the same green as Clover's. He was dressed in black slacks with a matching long sleeve black button up and a dark green tie that matched the kids.
"Wa alaikum assalam," He and Cole said in unison. For a moment, I was thrown by Cole, forgetting that he was a Muslim regardless of if I'd witnessed his official shahada or not. My moment of confusion caused me to lock eyes with him. I should have been stronger but when his eyes met mine, I was more than a little shaken. He'd cut his hair short enough to where it couldn't be pulled into a ponytail. His black hair came down right under his ear lobes. He still had that same wavy stray hair that refused to comply hanging in front of his forehead. He wore all black just like Aiken but he had no green in his outfit. I guess he wasn't the matching type. His facial hair was starting to grow. His jawline was still perfect and so was everything else about him. I looked away quickly trying to catch my breath. Why did I always do this to myself?
I turned my attention back to Aiken. "I just wanted to thank you for defending me on the news. I saw it and it just felt good to see somebody who gets it, you know." I told him nervously. "May Allah bless you for everything you and Badriyah have done, Ameen."
"It's no problem at all. I only spoke the truth about my sister in Islam." He responded sincerely. I nodded gratefully. "Well, I'm going to go find my lovely wife and siblings. I'll see you later insha'Allah."
And suddenly it was just me and him. I was about to literally run away but then he had to do it. He had to say my name. "Daleela, how are you? A-Are you okay?" My name came off his tongue like butter and I savored it. It had been so long...so long since I'd heard his voice. It was still as deep and wonderful as ever, maybe more wonderful. I wanted to cry because I'd missed him so much it hurt. I had no right. I'd hurt him badly. Yet here he was asking if I was okay.
"I'm better now...a lot better." I responded quietly, my heart pounding so loudly that it filled my ears. "Look, Cole...I'm so sorry for what happened in that hospital room. I don't know what I was thinking. No, I wasn't thinking. It was the drugs, and the pain, and my emotions were everywhere. I just, I was wrong. I knew better and I still did it because I wanted to feel something that wasn't pain. It was selfish and unforgivable. I'm so sorry-" I blurted, tears suddenly blinding me as I lost my resolve.
"Daleela, don't worry about it. I know you didn't mean it. I shouldn't have came to you when you were so vulnerable. I played a part in that kiss too. I overreacted and I was harsh. I just care about you so much-" Cole's mouth snapped shut and the color drained from his face. I felt a looming presence behind me. I turned around and to my horror, my dad stood behind me shaking in anger.
"You kissed my daughter?" My father hissed, the rage barely contained. I stepped back towards Cole as one of my biggest fears started to play out. I never wanted him to know. Ever. Cole looked like he wanted to run but he stood his ground.
"Mr. Lewis, please hear me out." He pleaded and I heard a slight tremor in his voice as he took a small step back.
"Abi please-" I started but I saw the rage boil over.
"You would dare disrespect not only me but my daughter after I welcomed you into my home and took care of you!" My father shouted. Everyone around us froze. Then my mother was rushing towards us with Sulaiman hanging onto her for dear life.
"Abi it wasn't him. It was me! It was my fault. I initiated it." I cried, risking it all to save Cole from my father's wrath.
"What?" My father said, his head snapping in my direction.
"I kissed him. It was all me." I whispered shamefully. I could see the hurt and disappointment in my father's eyes.
"And how long has this been going on?" Abi said angrily, shooting daggers with his eyes at Cole. "Is that why you've been around kid? You been waiting on a chance to break my daughter's resolve?"
"Nothing's going on." I pleaded, trying to reassure him but he wasn't hearing any of it.
"Daleela Rosa Lee Lewis, do not stand there and lie to my face!" My father roared at me. I jumped and my body began to tremble violently as the PTSD hit me hard. He barely noticed in his anger.
"Michael," My mother called to him, a warning in her voice. He ignored her.
"How many times have you put your hands on my daughter? Hmm?" He shouted as he took a looming step towards Cole. Cole looked so afraid and devastated. "I should have followed my instincts. I knew the first time you sat at my table that something might have been going on. But I trusted my daughter. I cannot believe I was so stupid." Abi growled. It seemed like with every second he grew angrier.
My dad moved so quickly that I let out a screech in surprised. He grabbed Cole by his collar with a ferocity that scared me. "Abi no!"
"Michael, stop it!" My mother shouted. Rushing towards them both. I grabbed my father's arm and he snatched it away causing me to trip and fall to the ground. I saw the flash of a camera as a reporter scurried around the scene trying to get the best angle. I started sobbing on the floor.
"Oh my God!" I heard Zayna gasp in the distance.
"Michael let that boy go right now. This is not the time nor the place. You're scaring everyone." My mother snapped through gritted teeth. My father looked around the hallways and surely enough everyone was watching us. He turned back to Cole.
"Get your ass as far away from me as possible...right now." My father hissed before releasing Cole roughly. Cole stumbled but did not fall.
"I'm sorry Mr. Lewis. I'm so sorry." Cole apologized profusely before getting as far away from him as possible. Zayna helped me off the ground. My father couldn't even look at me. He walked away from all of us.
"What in the world is going on?" Zayna shrieked in confusion. She received no answer.
* * *
"All rise,"
I stood in my designated spot in the courtroom as the judge entered the room and tried to keep my head level. So many thoughts and emotions were rushing through my mind at one time. I tried to focus. This was what was happening right now. This was what mattered. This could change everything. I would deal with my father's anger and disappointment later.
"Please be seated,"
I sat in my uncomfortable wooden chair shaking like a leaf. Important people were talking but I was finding it difficult to keep up with what they were saying. My ears were waiting for the verdict only. I was tired of all the courtroom drama and the lying and accusations. I just wanted justice to be served so I could go home and feel safe there. For months, I've barely slept at night out of fear of being taken in my sleep or worse. I knew that Jim Howards going to jail wouldn't fix everything but it sure as hell would help me to move on with my life.
"Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict?" The judge asked. Suddenly, I was crashing back down to the real world and listening intently. My heart felt like it would explode from my chest.
"Yes your honor," A man with white skin and black curly hair responded, projecting his voice across the room.
"Please fold the verdict form and hand it to deputy Carter." The judge said solemnly. The curly haired man handed the deputy the folded form. He walked across the courtroom to hand it off to the judge. I felt like I was going to pass out because of how fast my heart was beating. I felt tears welling in my eyes as I quietly raised my hands in front of me, palms facing up and began to make duaa.
Oh Allah please, please let justice be served today. I believe in You and Your power is so much greater than anyone who stands in this room. Please rectify my affairs and if things don't go my way, please fill my heart with patience and understanding in your decree.
When I returned my focus to the courtroom. The verdict was already in the process of being read.
"... in the state of New York Vs. Jim Howards verdict, we the jury find Jim Howards to be guilty on all counts."
I let out a sob as my knees weakened under me. I dropped to floor and went straight into sujood, thanking Allah for His infinite mercy. My attorney helped me from the floor and I could hear Jim Howards across the courtroom cursing. As I stood, I watched him swipe everything on the table in front of him to the floor.
"Order!" The judge screamed at him but he did not listen. Jim Howards turned on his attorney and punched him square in the face. The man went tumbling to the ground. I couldn't say that I felt bad for him since he'd tried so hard to make me seem like a criminal.
"You said it was handled!" Howards screamed as men grabbed him to contain him. Howards was showing his true colors and all the cameras were rolling to catch every moment of it. He looked like the monster he truly was. I felt a smile creep onto my face as I watched him. His cold blue eyes caught mine and I could see murder swirling in them.
"He has a gun!" Someone screamed. All chaos broke loose within the courtroom. I felt a body tackle me to the floor. A gunshot echoed throughout the courtroom. People were screaming. I just lay there praying to God that my family was safe.
* * *
We won, I thought as I was escorted out of the courtroom by police officers. I couldn't believe it. I was shaken completely by the fact that by some miracle, I was standing here with my family surrounding me, safe and sound. With all the evil and horrific events that had occurred, I was still standing. My heart was still beating hard within my chest from the events that had just occurred but it was also heavy with love for Allah. In that moment, I had never been so grateful to Him in my life. It was like the door that had been closed in my heart had been slowly creeping open and now it was wide open. Once we were safely in the car, I was overwhelmed with emotion. For a long while we sat there in silence and then I just couldn't hold back my emotions any longer. I burst into tears, feeling as if the only way to move forward was to let myself go through everything I felt in that moment.
"Abi, I know that I messed up. But I love you and I want you to be proud of me. I want you to be pleased with me and I'll do whatever it takes to take away your disappointment with me. I care so much about what you think of me and that's why I didn't come to you about what happened with Cole. I hope you will forgive me for betraying your trust." I sobbed from the back seat of the car. I felt Sulayman tugging on my sleeve from his car seat but I couldn't bring myself to look up at anyone.
My father sighed deeply. "I love you too sweetheart. I went too far with my anger and allowed shaytan to get the best of me. I apologize for that." He replied quietly before turning to look back at me. I raised my head to meet his eyes, not expecting his gentle response. "I'm tired and I know you are too. It has been a rough year. That's why I think it's best if we put all of this behind us and move forward as a family. That's what is most important right now. As long as you've gotten right with Allah, that's all I care about."
I felt relief in my heart that we could try to get past everything because I didn't think I could handle my father being upset with me. It would've broken my heart. My mother turned in her seat and grabbed mine and my father's hands. "We can get past this. That man is going to jail and insha'Allah, we can start over together." She agreed softly. I nodded unable to respond because of the lump in my throat and lowered my head. Please, oh Allah, let us heal from this.
* * *
A few nights later, we all sat in the living room reading Quran together. It was a beautiful way to bond with everyone. Hearing Allah's words carried by the voices of the people I cared about most in this world warmed my heart beyond words. It felt like the closest we'd all been in a long time. Zayna sat with her legs on Noor's lap. Their hands were entwined as Noor recited his verse from the Quran. Zayan lay on the floor, his long legs stretched out and comfortable as he listened intently. My parents sat cuddled together following along in the Quran they were sharing. I sat huddled up with Sulayman in my lap. He had a tight grip on my scarf as he constantly changed positions. I winced every time he pulled it but I didn't stop him. I tried to regain my concentration but as I listened to the Quran and watched my family, I felt immensely grateful to be alive. They meant the world to me. I couldn't believe that at some point in all this I'd lost my love for being alive and with them. Life isn't always beautiful but when it is, it's wonderful to experience.
After we finished, we decided to have game night. Charades seemed to be the game everyone had picked. Zayan elected himself as the first person to go. He started prancing around the room looking ridiculous with his long limbs flailing. "What the heck is that supposed to be?" Zayna shouted in exasperation.
"A dog!" Noor said excitedly. Zayan should his head.
"A dog with a broken leg!" My dad guessed with a laugh. Zayan shook his head, paused, and then got on all fours. He crawled around me and then raised up on his knees shaking his head.
"A bull?" My mom asked, clearly confused by Zayan's antics. Zayan grunted, getting impatient.
"You're a horse." I laughed as Sulayman crawled out of my arms.
"Finally," Zayan screeched. "How did ya'll not know that was a horse? I gave you all the signs!"
"That was terrible." Zayna said shaking her head in disapproval. "I don't know whose horse you thought that was."
"Zayna you just don't understand context clues." Zayan said with a smirk.
Before Zayna could contest him, the doorbell rang. Zayan hopped up to answer it. When he opened the door, the whole room went quiet. I looked up to see what was going on. I couldn't see from my spot on the floor. Zayan shut the door and went straight to my dad. He spoke to him in a low voice. My dad's face changed and he looked as if he were trying to control his emotions.
"Zayna, can you, your sister, and Suleiman leave the room please." My dad said calmly. Confusion spread through me. What was going on? Zayna got up without question and gestured for me to hurry up and bring Suleiman. I made my way to the kitchen, looking back to see what was going on. Zayna purposely blocked my view of the front door as it opened.
I tried to hover near the door but Zayna yanked me away. When I kept trying to inch towards the door, she hustled me out the back door and into the backyard. I went and sat down on the bench swing and pouted. I wanted to know what was going on? Why was I being kept in the dark about this random visit?
"So are you going to tell me what's happening or leave me in the dark like everyone else?" I asked Zayna pointedly. She gave me a look and then sighed.
"If it's necessary, you'll know soon enough." She replied, bopping Suleiman around on her knee. He gurgled happily as he sucked his thumb.
"How's it fair that everyone knows something that I don't? I thought we were all starting over. No more secrets." I grouched, slumping back into my seat.
"Daleela, stop it. You know that if Ummi and Abi aren't saying anything, they have a reason. Your health is their top priority right now. Trust them." My older sister insisted.
"You guys always tip toe around my feelings now and I hate it. I'm not that breakable." I groaned, letting my face fall into my hands. I felt Zayna's hand on my shoulder and looked up at her. Her eyes were sad.
"Sis, I'm not saying that you aren't strong. You have to be to have gone through what you've went through. Even though you have made leaps and bounds in your mental progress, you're still very emotional and mentally fragile. You probably can't see it but we're careful because right now we need to be. You are breakable kiddo and we don't want to be the ones to do it." Zayna explained quietly. Somehow I hadn't seen it before but now I realized that I had been an emotional wreck. I'd cried for an hour the other day when I went with my mother for Suleiman's vaccination appointment. When the doctor administered the needle, I'd gotten flashbacks of being in captivity.
I pulled my knees up to my chest in defeat. "Can I have some time alone please?" I whispered.
"Leela, I wasn't trying to upset you. We just care about you, that's all."
"I know, I just need a minute." I sighed, feeling stupid. Zayna looked sorry she had said anything. She rose from her seat with pursed lips, squeezed my shoulder, and walked back inside with my little brother in tow. I just needed a moment to clear my mind and not think about anything. I closed my eyes and swung slowly, trying to immerse myself in the feeling.
Snap!
I sat up abruptly, nearly falling of the swing in the process. What was that noise? I felt my armpits begin to tingle as I looked around frantically. I stood up, fear beginning to take over. Was someone out there? Just as I was about to run the marathon of my life back into the house, a voice froze my limbs.
"Daleela, it's me." A deep voice said quietly. I turned toward the sound, my heart beating rapidly at the familiarity of it.
"Cole?" I questioned into the darkness but I knew the answer even before he stepped into the light. My heart ached at the sight of him. I took a step back afraid of what I would do if he got too close. He kept his distance on his own.
"Hey," He said awkwardly. I just stood there in shock that he actually had the gall to show up here after what my dad had said and done. "I didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry...I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I didn't...I shouldn't have come. I don't know why I came." He babbled, sounding more and more stressed out as he spoke. He turned to leave and I should have let him.
"Cole wait," I blurted, unable to stop myself. Why couldn't I just let it go? He turned back to me and I didn't know what to say. "H-How...How are your siblings?" I asked, my voice shaking noticeably. He looked surprised by my question.
"Oh, um...they're okay now. Aiken got legal custody of all of them. We thought we would have a hard time getting custody of Clover but luckily for us, no one in the Howards family cared enough to fight for her. They've all had a difficult time adjusting to mom...Alayna being in prison. They miss her and they don't remember Aiken. I think Kale and Rode have adjusted pretty well but Clover still cries for her." Cole explained, looking at the ground. I wished I could see his eyes. I got my wish as he looked up at me, forcing me to look away.
"May Allah make this time easy on you and your family, Ameen." I whispered, extremely happy that they were all safe and together again.
"Ameen," Cole echoed. I had to get used to that.
"So...how are you doing with all of this?" I asked quietly, trying not to look at him and fall into the trap of his handsome brown eyes.
"I'm...good. I think I can finally say that I'm okay. I'm content with my life right now and that's saying a lot. I'm almost afraid that none of this will last, you know." He replied and I could see a small grin on his face. It was refreshing. He'd been through so much. He deserved all the good coming his way.
"Keep your head up and stay on the right path. Good things will always come your way insha'Allah." I told him earnestly. He smiled in response.
"How about you? Are you doing okay?" He asked timidly. Our eyes met and I saw a glint of worry in them.
"My therapist says I've made leaps and bounds from where I was before. I feel good. I'm starting to enjoy being alive again, you know. I have my bad days but they're bound to happen. I'm okay." I admitted, trying to be honest and reassuring. He looked content with my response.
"I'm really happy to hear that Daleela." He said and I could hear his sincerity in the way his voice softened when he said my name. My heart fluttered at the sound. That's when I knew it was time to walk away.
"I have to go back in." I told him, making up any excuse to get out of there before bolting for the door. I turned back to him one last time. "I pray you find happiness in your life." I told him, putting all the love I had for him into those words. I felt like he understood.
"I pray the same for you." He replied and it felt like he was saying he loved me too. Or maybe it was what I wanted to believe. He looked so heartbroken and I didn't understand why. I stayed silent and watched him going back and forth with himself mentally before he finally spoke. "I just want you to know that I'm leaving New York. I didn't know if I would ever see you again so I came by hoping...I don't know. Just hoping." Cole murmured, rubbing the back of his neck. My heart seemed to skip a beat in shock.
"I don't understand...leaving the only home you've ever known. Why? When?" I asked, fumbling over my words. He looked like he regretted saying anything. Was he originally going to leave without telling me?
"We just want to start over, you know. We're leaving tomorrow morning...if God wills it." My stomach dropped at his words. Suddenly, losing him felt way too real and I wasn't ready. My heart wasn't prepared at all.
"So, you're just going to leave and act like nothing ever happened?" I asked him sharply. The anger hit me so hard that it even shocked me. A ball formed in my throat at the effort of holding back tears. I wanted to throw something at him for making me feel this way. How could he make me feel so much for him and then throw it all away? "You're just going to walk away?"
"Daleela, you know it's not like that. I don't want to leave but I have to put my family first. I don't have a future here anymore." He explained, his eyebrows furrowing with emotion.
He doesn't have a future here? I felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart. I really believed that once he became Muslim, he would find the balls to face my father like a man and ask for my hand in marriage and I was even willing to wait until he was ready. Instead, he was hightailing and running away. I didn't know what hurt worse; the fact that he was giving up on us or the realization that I had been waiting for him to make his move this whole time.
"Daleela, please don't be angry." Cole pleaded, his voice cracking with emotion. My soul, my dignity, and my heart felt bruised. He wasn't going to change his mind. He'd already decided.
I took a deep breath as tears filled my eyes to the brim. I could barely see him as I spoke. "I'm not angry." I said with a quiet laugh. I took another deep breath to keep from sobbing as the tears began to fall down my cheeks. "It's my fault for believing your empty promises. Like I said before, I pray you find happiness in your life Cole. I really do."
But had he ever really promised me anything? I wasn't sure anymore.
He opened his mouth to speak before clamping his jaws shut. He nodded as if he knew it was better to just go. Cole looked me over one last time as if to record me in his memory before finally disappearing into the darkness. A sob ripped from my throat as I looked up to the sky and tried to see the good in this. I decided that I had to give my heart fully to Allah before I could love a guy. Even a guy as beautiful as Cole Brackson. I had to let him go. What was for me would not miss me. I closed my eyes and stood there until the tears stopped. That night I decided that there would be no more tears for him falling from my eyes. We were done. This chapter was closed. I had to keep healing and I couldn't afford to take care of anyone else's feelings but my own. I'd made the same mistake I'd made with Isa all that time ago. I made a crush into something bigger than it was. That night I truly learned my lesson. It was finally time, like my sister had always been telling me, to worry about myself.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
So this is officially the last chapter of D&P and thank you for reading up until this point. I love all of you guys so much. If you would like to see Daleela 5 years later, stay tuned for the epilogue chapter coming right after this one.
Chapter Reflections:
For this final chapter, I wanted to bring the most important things to a close, not forever but for now. The trial ended, Nisaa & Daleela reconnected, Rafiq got engaged, Daleela's dad finally found out about her and Cole, and Cole & Daleela's journey together has ended. Now I know, I'm an A-hole for not having Cole & Daleela marry but I felt if marriage is in their future it wouldn't be now. Cole just got his family back together and Daleela needs to continue therapy and to focus on building her relationship with herself and Allah back up. I'm not against young Muslim marriage. I got married at 17 alhamdullilah but it takes a certain head space to be able to handle marriage at such a young age and Cole & Daleela were not there.
The chapter name is inspired by a song I heard once that really resonated with me. It goes something like...
And her name is me,
She loves me more than you'll ever know,
I finally see that loving you and loving me just don't seem to work at all,
So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love,
And to choose between you two, boy you know if I have to choose, I choose me
So although Cole was the one to ultimately make the choice to go, I feel like a lot of girls need to take on a mindset of putting yourself and well being first and loving yourself (and your Lord) before anyone else.
This book was never meant to be a love story. I just wanted it to be a coming of age story. I wanted it to be a story about not letting your mistakes keep you down. Plus I don't like pushing fake fairytales lol. But insha'Allah, I plan on writing one more book and revisiting all of these characters as adults and I feel like it will be loads of fun. I plan on editing this book and publishing it insha'Allah. The entire beginning of the book will more than likely be changed completely and a couple other details.
But once again thank you all for reading and I would have never continued if you all had not pushed me. Thank you!
Love,
Mimi