When I woke up, we were parked at a rest stop. My mother's seat was empty and I felt the overwhelming need to pee. I abandoned my blanket and jogged into the bathroom area. My mother's shoes were in the stall across from mine, and I tried to pee faster than her so I could jog back to the car and pretend I never woke up to avoid conversation. I lost, and my mother burst out of the stall just before me.
"Oh, I didn't know you woke!"
"I had to pee." My voice was hoarse and I washed my hands quickly. I wiped them on my sweats and walked out to the car. My mother was close behind me with two iced coffees. I smiled at her and cracked mine open to sip at it. "Thank you." I said to her.
"Yes! Of course dear." She put the car in drive, and we continued towards New York. The sign in front of the rest stop said it was only a hundred or so more miles. I sighed and laid my head back on the car's head rest. My mother yawned, and forced her eyes back open as she gulped down a large sip of iced coffee.
"Mom, do you want me to drive the rest of the way?"
"Oh, Vivian, would you?"
"Yes, of course!" I mocked her usual response and she didn't recognize her own words or chose to ignore them. She pulled to the side of the road and I opened my door. She scooted over the center console and sat in my seat, tugging my blanket and pillow into place. She rested her head and shut her eyes. I climbed in and started down the highway until the New York exit came into view. Driving provided me a valid reason to avoid conversation and thinking to much. I turned the station on the radio up a bit and divided my attention to the road and my coffee. It was quiet until we reached New York. I woke my mother up and she gave me directions to the hotel we were staying at. I pulled up and let the valet take our car. My mother and my luggage was brought in on a golden cart by a man in a trendy suit coat with cuff links and epaulettes. It was six in the evening and my mother apparently had dinner being delivered to the hotel room. I laid down on the suite's couch and tried to calm my wavering thoughts and humming nerves.
"Darling, are you alright." My mother brushed a hand across my cheeks.
"Of course, I'm just getting nervous."
"For the wedding?"
"Yes, and the fitting and the rehearsal dinner, and the reception."
"Well, what makes you nervous?"
"Thinking about being second to center stage." I admitted, "I just worry that I'll get something wrong."
"Baby," she mumbled gently, "things will always go wrong in at least one way. Wrongs don't make a right, they make memories."
"You think so?"
"Of course! Remember at your father's and I's wedding? I tore my gown." I laughed replaying my mother's terribly red face. She was angered and laughing, so nobody could take her seriously.
"I'll never forget it," I told her, "because my dad was there." She opened her mouth to mutter something to me about dad. It seemed important but the knock at the door distracted her and the thought was lost. I sighed, and sat back on the couch as dinner was brought in. Fancy silver platters and herbs, grease, and garlic stunk the room up. I wasn't sure of the food my mother ordered, it didn't smell or look amazing, but the taste was nice. It was french, and a hundred dollars. Collectively, my mother and Blake were billionaires. This meant they both spent money like crazy, and never even looked at the tab. When we ate, my mother and I decided to swim a bit in the hotel's pool. She packed my black lace bikini set, and her black swim gear. We rode the elevator down, and a man's eyes were glued to me the entire time. I pulled my towel higher around my chest and hurried off when the floor was correct and the doors opened.
"He was cute." My mother nudged me. I raised my eyebrow in disgust.
"Are you kidding me? He was like thirty, with a wedding ring, and lives in New York." Or, it's because he's a boy and I'm gay, I thought to myself but refused to add.
"Yeah, I guess you're right." She laughed and slipped into the pool down the stairs. I walked to the far end and jumped in. The water was heated, and cascaded around me on every side as I became submerged. I pushed through the water towards my mother and came up short. I breathed in heavily and decided that all of the secret cigarettes I'd smoked had taken their toll. She reached out and wiped the makeup from under my eyes. I laughed, and pushed my wet bangs from clinging to my face. She smiled at me.
"What?" I asked, pushing backwards through the pool.
"Did you know you look like your dad?"
"Are you saying I look like a boy?" I asked sarcastically.
"No, I'm saying you've got his face." She studied me and swam towards me. "His blue eyes, his pixie nose, and full lips."
"So, you're saying dad's gorgeous?"
"Of course he is, why else would I have spent so much of my life on him?" We laughed and she glanced at the clock with a cute squinted face. "Should we head back up?"
"I suppose so. I need to wash this chlorine out of my hair, or it'll turn green." We laughed and hurried to the steps. We wrapped in towels and rode the elevator. I hurried to avoid more conversation and went into the bathroom. After a minute of trying to configure the works of the shower, I figured it out and started the water. I climbed in and used the entire bottles of shampoo and conditioner and the body wash as well. When I came out, my mother was dressed for bed and watching Say Yes to the Dress on television from bed.
"Can you believe we're so close to the place they film this?" She asked as i flopped into the bed next to her's.
"No, it's totally unbelievable." I laughed sarcastically and turned over in bed. I checked my phone and saw two missed calls. I checked them, and realized they were from Viper. "Mom, Viper called me twice. Did he call you?"
"No, I don't think he did." She checked her phone. "No, he just wanted to get hold of you."
"Ugh," I groaned and typed his number in walking into the living room of the suite for when he answered. I wouldn't have to sensor my language there. He answered on the second ring.
"Hello?" He asked like he didn't know who I was.
"What do you want?" I said coldly.
"I wanted to tell you the good news."
"What's that?" I asked completely uninterested.
"I dumped the redhead and went back to the Brunette. She was so sweet, she showed interest in keeping me!"
"Congratulations," I said, "can I go now?"
"No, not yet. I wanted to ask if I could borrow your car."
"What happened to yours?"
"I have to go get it, that's why I need yours. Brunette will drive it back to the house."
"Yeah, whatever. I don't care, just keep your hoe from crashing it."
"Now Vivian, that's not nice to say."
"Well, it's said now, no changing it." I hung the phone up and walked into the room.
"What did Viper want?"
"He wanted to know if his-" I stopped myself from saying 'hoe', "girlfriend, could use my car."
"What?" She raised an eyebrow.
"I know, unbelievable! Right? He's hardly known the girl and he wants to let her drive my-"
"He has a girlfriend?!" She yelled. "I've got to call him." She got from bed and ran into the living room.
"And he's the favorite," I muttered, "my opinion, my story, my car. None of that matters. Just his girlfriend." I rolled over and thought about my mother obsessing over his relationship commitment. I wondered what she'd think if I'd called her to tell her I had a - girlfriend. I closed my eyes and the warmth from the shower radiated through me. I tucked the blanket in and fell asleep to my mother uttering things to my brother over the telephone. Occasional words drifted back into the room and she seemed generally pleased with everything he was saying. I was busy in thought and half way asleep when the words came back to me. I wasn't bitter, I was jealous. I wasn't alone, I was better solo. I wasn't gay, I was confused. I kept my eyes shut and slipped into the nightmares I feared having. They raced through my head, and kept me active, even in sleep, for hours. I felt light sweat bead on my forehead and the pain in my limbs was almost real. Nightmare, after nightmare and I couldn't wake myself up, even if I was trying. I fought, but lost. Lost to the terrible dreams that seemed to anger me and pain me more than any physical assult or words ever could.