Original: September 4, 2017
July 4, 2018
Holy shit, this is long. I didn't change much but it's good. 👌 I think the next one is still Logicality...
Logan's POV
Thomas and I were just planning on how to prevent him from procrastinating, when suddenly, Roman 'summoned' himself.
"Did someone say Prince?"
We blinked, since no one even said Prince.
"Roman, can you please leave? Thomas and I were just planning ways as to how he can stop procrastinating."
"Hey, I want to join!"
Ever since that part, Roman kept throwing all his suggestions and Thomas kept jotting it down. A few moments later, Patton and Virgil came into the picture.
"Hey there, kiddos! I was wondering- oh, nevermind! What are you guys all up to?"
Roman told Patton that we (more like they, I haven't been participating since he arrived) were planning how to get rid of procrastinating. I looked over to Virgil and said, "Are you not going to participate?"
He clicked his tongue. "Yeah, no. I got dragged into this by Pat. Why aren't you the one helping? I thought you were smart enough. Whatever, I'm going to my room."
He started to sink down afterwards. I stared at them, inserting some of my own suggestions but they seem to shoot it down. I got furious at one point, but what hurt me the most was when Roman got really infuriated with me.
"You're not helping Thomas right now. Are you not smart enough?"
I was stunned. I recomposed myself and said, "It seems that my presence here is no longer needed. Thomas, if you ever need me, just summon me."
I sank down to my room. I started hearing these thoughts.
You're not smart enough.
Look at you.
Pathetic.
Useless.
Better off dead.
Not smart.
Not smart.
Not smart.
The thoughts keep coming. I feel myself breathe in an uneven manner. I felt liquid from my eyes start dripping down to my cheeks, then proceeding to the floor. I smiled, so this is how it feels like to be really sad.
My smile faded as I started to full on cry. I cried, wailed, bawled, sobbed, weeped, you name it. I cried really hard that night.
I felt a pair of arms wrap around me, and I look up to see Patton's face. I felt tears gather up my eyes and I felt them drop to the ground once more. I hugged Patton as tight as I could.
Even though I cannot stand the others, I still feel a slight understanding on how they go through. Patton goes through all of Thomas' feelings, and sometimes, they are really extreme.
Roman gets really overloaded, and so does Virgil. Sometimes, I would hear soft crying outside of Patton's room, knowing that Virgil is there. What really surprised me was when I passed by Roman's room that one time. I heard a few sniffles here and there, and a couple of other sounds.
This is the first time I cried, openly I mean. I know I am a logical trait but that does not mean I do not possess any emotions. They are just simply, 'icky.'
I pulled away from Patton, blushing lightly as I looked at my doorway seeing Roman and Virgil looking at me with concern.
Patton was the first to speak up. "Logan, are you alright? You cried really hard."
"I hear them," I said, gripping Patton tighter and tighter.
"What do you mean?"
I frowned.
They won't believe you.
You're not trustworthy.
Not smart enough for Thomas.
Not good enough for them.
I shook my head frantically, saying, "Get out of my head!"
I hear Virgil gasp. "I know what's wrong with Logan now. He keeps hearing the voices, I hear them too. Logan, what are they telling you?"
"N-Not smart e-enough for T-Thomas. U-Useless. A-And... T-They said t-that I-I..."
I trailed off, hugging Patton really tight. But I managed to bring out the words.
"I am better off dead."
Virgil rushed next to me. I see his lips move, but I could not understand a word he was saying. All I could hear were the voices.
Useless.
Not worth it.
Not trusted.
They pity you.
Not smart enough.
I break down even further. Sobbing into Patton's already wet shirt, I said, "P-Please m-make i-it S-STOP!"
I felt my breathe start to increase in speed, I was starting to hyperventilate. Virgil, who was still in front of me, told me to do his exercise.
Inhale for 4.
Why take a breathe? Your not worth it.
Hold for 7.
Hold it forever.
Release for 8.
Why not take your last breathe right now.
I don't know why, but I felt myself get pulled into a 'flashback' one might say. I see all the past things that I did. I appeared on Thomas' first Sander Sides video, the QnA with us, and a lot more.
But it hurts to hear that your own manifestor likes you the least. People like Virgil because he is relatable, Roman because he is a Prince and all that, and Patton because he is a, how do you say this, 'smol bean'?
I pulled myself out of there and continued. Inhale for 4. Hold for 7. Release for 8. As I kept doing it, I made myself think of all the good times that I have been through with the others.
I finally loosen my grip on Patton's shirt and recomposed myself to the best of my ability can at the moment.
"Are you feeling okay, Logan?"
"I b-believe I feel m-much b-better. T-Thank you for t-the assist."
"No problem, anyway, are the voices still there?"
"I believe it has 'left the building.' Though the only thought I have now is- oh, did you know that your heart beats around 100,000 times a day, 36,500,000 times a year and over a billion times if you live beyond 30?"
They blinked.
"Yup, Logan is back. I suppose we are no longer needed in this situation. Let us now leave, my dear chemically imbalanced romance."
"I am not yours, Roman. Also, don't forget to use protection, Pat," he said, before turning around and walking out my door, shutting it.
I directed my attention to Patton. "What does he mean by 'use protection'? Am I not protected enough here in Thomas' mind?"
"T-That doesn't mean anything. It's just Virgil being Virgil, you know?"
I nodded. I started to stand but my legs would not cooperate with me so I accidentally tripped and landed on Patton. He was looking up and-
We kissed. It feels weird to kiss anyone in general. I, certainly, have never kissed a male nor female. It was only for a brief sexond before we pulled away. I looked at him, seeing his faced flushed pink like mine.
I broke the silence. "Apologies. I did not think that I would trip. My legs are probably still not functioning as well as I thought it would."
"N-No, it's fine. I actually enjoyed it," he said, his blush getting darker. I felt my face getting warmer and warmer as well.
"W-What is this feeling, Patton? My face feels as if a poisonous spider is walking on my face."
"Logan, your blushing! And do not mention those creepy crawly death dealers ever again."
"Ah, I see. Why am I blushing? Did I acquire a sickness because I am crying? Surely not, or I didn't study enough."
"There is no sickness, Logan. It's either because you are embarrassed or you like me."
"Of course I like you, Patton."
"You do?!"
"Yes, I can tolerate your dad jokes, Princey's singing, and Virgil's negativity. You can say I am fond of all of you."
"No, thats not what I meant, I mean do you like like me?"
"I suppose I like you, but you do not need to add another like to it."
Patton facepalmed. What am I missing here then?
"Do you like me in a romantic way?"
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
"Oh, so thats what you meant. Though, I'm not sure how to answer your question. I have observed from my past encounters with all these emotions, I feel a sort of fluttery feeling in my abdomen whenever I am around someone, I also feel lonely when I am not around this significant person. When I am around this person, I feel like the whole world has stopped spinning and I would want to be with this person."
"Who might that be?"
"You. Does this mean I like you in a romantic sense?"
"To be completely honest, I actually don't know. It could mean that you have a crush on me, or you are willing to be with me."
"Then I suppose it is the second option. I feel as if the first one is not the one I would want to go for."
"So you like like me? In a romantic sense?"
"I suppose so. Why do you ask?"
He giggled. "You are so oblivious sometimes. I like like you too! I can't believe it took you so long just to finally realized that."
"Oh, apologies for not seeing it sooner. Now that we have confessed to each other, what shall we do?"
Patton bit his lip nervously. "Well, some couples start to date or such. I really do not know how to work this."
"Are you not Thomas' deep emotions?"
"I am, but I am not the one coming up with all the romantic ideas. That's Roman's department."
"Oh, I see. So how do we do this?"
"I don't know. Uhh, would you like to be my boyfriend?"
"Yes, of course! But, may I ask why do you have these feelings toward me?"
"You are really smart, loving, and kind without even trying. You try your best to understand the concept of these emotions even though they are the bane of your existence. Why do you really think I won't love you? Even though, maybe in another universe I don't love you romantically and you don't love me romantically as well, I would always love you platonically."
I sniffled. "Really? Wow, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever told me. But, what if the voices come back? What if I wouldn't be strong enough? What if you will leave me for someone better? What if-"
"Logan, calm down. Of course I wouldn't want to leave you. You are like, the only side that is able to put up with me. Besides, you are the only one who is available because Virgil is my dark strange son and Roman is my son-in-law. I see them in a whole different perspective as I see you, Logan. You are, in fact, the only one I ever love romantically. You could say you are my first love."
"I suppose your- wait, son-in-law? Why am I not informed of this? Am I always the last one to be informed? Am I right, readers?"
"Sorry, Lo, I thought you knew. Wait, what readers?"
"Nothing, just forget about it. Anyway, please do tell me if there is anything new things happening around the mindscape. Thomas likes to keep his mind very busy."
"Sure, I'll keep you updated from time to time. But I want to as you a question if that is alright with you."
"I don't mind, ask away, Patton."
"What triggered you into thinking that you are not smart enough?"
I froze to a bit thinking back as to why I was triggered. I chuckled and said, "It's absurd, really. Now that I think about it, I am now wondering as to why I was crying over it. I was helping Thomas with ideas on how to avoid procrastination. Roman pops up, suggests things, and so on. Then you and Virgil showed up, both you and Roman start suggesting and when I do, you wave me off as if my opinion is not as important as yours. I'm sorry, Patton. I wasn't really think about it."
"It's alright, but enough about the sad and depressing stuff. Cuddles and kisses?"
I sighed. "Alright. Cuddles and kisses."