Thirteen years ago: May 4, 2009
I stand motionless in the shower, the scalding hot water pouring down my back as I stare blankly at the white tiled wall before me. The burning sensation is nice, I guess it reminds me that I actually still know how to feel something. My eyes go out of focus and I watch the water droplets running down my bruised arms before falling to my feet. My gaze shifts downwards at my body and I grimace at the way my stomach sticks out ever so slightly, showing off a few scars and more bruises that are still slightly dark. Disgusting.
"Kai! Get your ass out here!" That's Marcus.
I sigh in annoyance and shut the water off, stepping out of the small shower stall and grabbing for a dingy white towel to dry myself off. Using the slightly damp towel to wipe the steam from the little mirror, I stare at myself critically; all my horrible features and flaws only highlighted by the awful lighting. My eyes have shadows beneath them from lack of sleep, my lips are pulled into a permanent frown, and my cheeks look almost hollow. In all honesty, I look like the very definition of death.
"Kai!" Marcus yells again.
"Give me five damn minutes!"I growl back.
Pulling on my jeans I look down at mythighs and frown at how grotesque they look. There really isn't anything I like about myself, and I can't be wrong, seeing as everyone else in my life agrees that I'm a disgusting waste of space. Why am I still here? What is even left for me here? Nothing. That'swhat.
Finally dressed, I plug in my crappy straightener and pull out the blow dryer to dry my hair while it heats up.
Walking into the kitchen, I smell something revolting. It doesn't take long to notice that the kitchen is in a horrific state. The garbage is over flowing, and the dishes are piled up and have flies buzzing around the old food caked on them. The counters look like they have a layer of some gross, sticky substance covering them. Just lovely.
"About fucking time," Marcus grumbles from the kitchen table.
I watch in disdain as he snorts a line before getting up and running into the bathroom. Mom sits in another chair, looking off at nowhere in particular, eyes glassy and sweatbreaking out on her forehead. I almost feel something knot in mychest, but feel it disappear almost instantly. I truly hate seeing her like this, but it's not an uncommon sight.
It wasn't always this way. My mom used to be really quite wonderful. She'd clean and cook and watch movies with me. Ever since she met Marcus though? She's been this trainwreck and I'm always left to be the adult. It's been this way since I was about seven or eight years old.
Wow. Ten years went by really slow.
I walk over to my mom and rest a hand on her shoulder, but she doesn't even seem to notice. "Mom? Hey, why don't you go lay down? You don't look so good."
She nods absentmindedly, but doesn't move an inch. She's not really with me right now, at least not mentally. I decide to leave her and grab a decent looking apple from the fridge. After only a couple bites, I feel like I'm going to be sick though. Food just won't stay down anymore. At least, not since I stopped letting it.
"OW! Dammit Kai! Your stupid shit burned me!" I hear Marcus scream from down the hall, footsteps tromping my way.
Crap. I had left my straightener on atop the bathroom counter. Quickly gathering my bag, I run through the living room and hurry out the door. I don't really want to stick around and see what Marcus has planned for me this time. I rub my left side, thinking back to the last time I pissed him off. It would probably be best if I don't come home until late tonight, when he's coked out of his mind and won't might not notice me come in. If I can avoid at least one beating today, that would be wonderful.
*
I drag my feet along as I walk down the wet pavement. Hardly flinching, I sigh as the droplets that fall from the sky splatter on my cheeks and arms. Why does it always have to rain here in England? It turns everything grey and in all honesty, it's just depressing.
Just then, a car speeds by and splashes a dirty wave of water up at me, drenching my already damp clothes. In this moment, I want to just drop to my knees and cry and quit and just not be here. But, instead I shake my hair out and keep walking, eyes fixed on the wet ground as I force my feet to keep moving forward. Today is just going to suck; every day does.
"Oi! Grab that letter!" A voice from behind me yells.
I turn around, confused at first. Running towards me is a pale boy with jett-black hair that keeps falling forward into his eyes. What's he going on about?
That's when I see a flash of white whip by me. A letter? Oh! I manage to snap out of it and run after the letter that is being blown about in the wind. I have my hand outstretched, eyes focused on the envelope, not quite paying attention to where I'm going. Just as I have the letter in my grasp, I suddenly feel the ground disappear from beneath me and tumble down into a massive puddle. I actually managed to run and fall off the edge of the curb--Great. In all honesty, as I sit in the puddle, unmoving, I just feel like giving up on life.
"Thank you so much!" The guy runs up, gasping for breath. "Are you alright?"
"Here's your stupid letter." I mumble, thrusting the thing towards him.
He takes it happily and after folding it and shoving it in his back pocket, he extends his arm and offers to help me up. Grudgingly, I take it and let him pull me to my feet and back up on the pavement. That's when I get a good, close-up look at him and catch myself staring a little too long. He's rather cute--in a nerdy way--but older and somewhat sophisticated in the way he holds himself. Rain drops trickle down his fair cheeks,and sometimes slip along the curve of his pale lips that are tipped up in a crooked smile. His eyes though, they're a pale blue--reminding me of a clear summer's day sky--and seem to shine even in the dreary rain. He seems so happy, it almost brings a smile to my face. Almost.
"I gotta get going! Sorry you got all wet, thanks again!" The guy shouts in a rush as he takes off down the street and around a corner.
Well, that was odd to say the least. I can't be sure that it even really happened, it happened so fast. The image of the happy, blue-eyed boy sticks in my mind the rest of the walk to school, though I'm not entirely sure why.
***
"Hey faggot! What do you got for us today?" Jared calls out from across the hall.
I close my eyes in exhaustion and annoyance. I'd hoped that for once I could make it to the the library and eat my lunch in peace. Maybe without a bloody lip and black eye, but I guess that's out of the question.
"Nothing for you. Now, if you'll excuse me," I say, sounding emotionless, like I've simply accepted what was coming--which I suppose I have.
Jared and his group close in, all laughing or smirking. "Think you're funny, Harkins?"
I shrug and smirk. "I try."
That earns me a hard punch across the jaw, followed by another to the stomach, resulting in me falling to my knees; winded and coughing. The boys just laugh though and grab me by the arms, pulling me into the privacy of the bathroom to finish what they started.
***
I regain consciousness when I'm startled by the sound of a shrill bell. What time it is, I haven't a clue. My body aches with every movement, but I eventually gather the strength to peel myself up off of the cold, hard floor.
Stumbling over to the bathroom mirrors, I slowly inspect the damage done. My left brow is slightly split , and the eye is definitely starting to bruise. Then there's my nose which has a line of dry blood coming from it, but thankfully isn't broken. My lip however, is swollen on the right sight and caked in blood. It isn't the worst they've dealt me if I'm being honest. But, I have yet to check out the rest of my body. Gently, I lift my shirt to reveal a purple and blue torso. I hiss in pain as I press a finger to one of the bruises. Certainly sore, but nothing is broken, that's all that matters.
They took my wallet, leaving me with just a little change in my back pocket. So, I hurry out of the bathroom, peaking around to make sure that they aren't hanging around to ambush me again--it wouldn't be the first time--and then dash down the hall as fast as I can to my locker. Grabbing my bag and throwing it over my shoulder, I slam the metal door shut, sending echoes down the hall. I flinch at the sound and quickly look around to see if anyone heard. Nope.
I pull my phone from my bag to see that it's already one o'clock. I was knocked out for over an hour, maybe I should get checked for a concussion. After thinking about that for amoment, I realize there's no point. If I slip into a coma in my sleep, I at least would be spared from my nightmare of a life for awhile, or forever. Forever sounds nice.
There's no point going to class. The teachers will just ask questions and then do nothing about the problem other than reitterate that bullying isn't tolerated, and the students will just stare and laugh quietly among themselves. I'm nothing but sick entertainment for these bastards.
"Mr. Harkins? Shouldn't you be in class?" A voice sounds from down the hall.
I glance back and see that it's Mrs.Darwin, my science teacher. Not thinking twice, I whip around and dart down the hall and burst through the first set of doors that take me outside and away from this hell-hole. I can hear her yelling at me to stop, but I'm already gone and not about to turn back.
Obviously I can't go home, where Marcus will only get pissed and probably beat me for being a 'useless-trouble-making-piece-of-shit'. I'm in too much pain as it is. If I returned to that now, I'd probably end up with something being broken and would have to go to the hospital. Which, surprise surprise, would just piss off Marcus more and I'd probably receive another good punch or two.
My only choice is to wander around town until it's a safe enough time to head home. Thus, here I am walking through the streets in soaking wet clothes, partially stained with blood around the collar of my shirt, and looking like death. Is there anything good about my life anymore? Truly, there's nothing left keeping me here. My mom isn't really my mom anymore. I'm too afraid to be home. School is a violent nightmare if I even make it through a whole day, and my depression is worsening by the day. Maybe it would be best if I just stop trying. If I just stop existing.
I look down the street and up at a really tall building. It would be so simple. To just stand on the ledge, close my eyes and step forward. All the pain and sadness would just be gone. No more. No longer will there be a Kai Harkins. The thought causes contentment and peace to wash over me, and with that my mind is made up as I walk slowly towards the building, not looking when I cross streets, not caring if a car hits me. I'm heading towards my death anyway, aren't I? It would just happen in another way if I got hit.
My mind is empty of all thoughts. I don't want to over think and second guess what I'm about to do. I just want to do it and be done. There is just no way for me to go on another day. For the first time in a long time, I feel all the pain radiating in my chest as a sob breaks free from my throat and tears stream from my eyes. It will finally be over.
I gasp as another person suddenly appears in front of me. Pale-blue eyes meeting mine in shock.
"Sorry!" The guy apologizes, stepping back and smiling at me once again. "Oh, hey. Aren't you the guy from this morning?"
I open my mouth, but I'm at a loss for words.
"Are you crying? Everything okay?" The pale boy asks, smile slowly slipping as his happy expression turns into one of concern.
I blink a few times, not bothering to stop the tears he's already seen. What am I doing? I should just say goodbye and move on. I need to do this now if I'm going to do it at all.
"Would you mind joining me for coffee? I'm rather cold, and I don't like going to public places alone very much," he says, smiling sadly at me in a way that makes me wonder if he knows what thoughts are running through my head.
I look past him, up at the ledge that's so close, practically calling out to me. But, when I look back at his eager, bright-blue eyes, I find myself unable to say no. "Sure. Coffee sounds good."
**
We sit across from each other in a Starbucks, silently sipping at our coffees. His; one cream two sugar. Mine; black. My eyes are fixated out the window, lost in thought, wondering why I hadn't just kept going. Why did this guy have the power to make me think twice? What is so great about him? So what if he's cute? A lot of people are cute, and I had no problem leaving them behind. So, why him?
"I guess I should introduce myself! I'm Jace. Jace Levett," Jace says, giving me a small smile.
I don't know why, but I really like it when he smiles. It has a weird effect on me, like something's fluttering around in my stomach.
"Kai. Kai Harkins," I say, sounding as lifeless as I feel.
Jace's smile widens a little. "I like it. So, what were you doing crying in the rain? If you don'tmind me asking."
"You don't want to know," I leave the warning hanging between us.
He's persistant, "I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know."
"I was going to kill myself."
Jace's smile drops instantly. Why did I say that? What the hell is wrong with me? You don't just tell someone you just met that you were about to kill yourself. I'd be surprised if the guy doesn't leave now, thinking I'm a freak. The thought actually saddens me. Why does this Jace guy make me feel so much? I didn't even know I was capable of truly feeling anything anymore. Everything has been so numb for so long.
"Now, now. Why would you do something like that? There's nothing in this world worth killing yourself over."
I sigh and sip at the scalding hot coffee, ignoring the way it burns my tongue. I really wish I hadn't said anything. "Reasons. What were you doing?"
He realizes I don't want to talk about the suicide thing anymore and sighs. "I was off to deliver that letter you saved for me this morning. University application."
"Uni? How old are you?" I ask.
"Just turned twenty, yourself?"
I sigh. Of course he's older. When he finds out my age, he'll probably look down on me like I'm some kid and want nothing to do with me like most twenty something 'think-they're-suddenly-full-fledged-adults'. "I'm in sixth form. I'm eighteen."
Jace nods and smiles at me. Does he not care that I'm younger and still in school? This guy is overly nice, and even though he smiles an unhealthy amount, they never seem fake. What's his deal?
"What sort of classes do you take? Anything you're particularly interested in?" Jace asks after a while of silence.
I shrug. "I suck at maths, but I do like the music class. I play piano fairly well I suppose."
"Really? I love piano! Maybe you could show me sometime?" For some reason, his eyes light up and it makes my heart beat a little quicker.
I stare at him blankly, however. Is he serious? I really don't get what he wants from me. If he thinks he can just come and make friends with me, he's wasting his time. I don't plan on being around for much longer anyway. I should just tell him not to bother.
"You want to hang out again?"I ask instead.
"Yeah! Why not? I don't really have much for friends around here anyway, and you seem cool," Jace says, giving me a warm smile that once again causes that fluttery sensation.
I nod slowly and stare down at the cup in my hands, not wanting to look at his cute, smiling face any longer. He has a really weird effect on me and it sort of scares me. Why is he being so nice to me? This has to be a joke. No one likes Kai Harkins. No one. Not even himself.
"Is this some sort of joke to you? Who put you up to this?" I snap suddenly.
His eyebrows knit together in confusion. "What are you on about? No one put me up to anything."
I roll my eyes and stand up. "Thanks for the coffee. I should be going now."
As I start walking out of the Starbucks, I can feel Jace following close behind me. Why won't he just leave me alone? Dammit, it's annoying. No one else tries this hard--hell, no one cares enough to even try most of the time.
"Wait! Where are you going?" He asks, sounding nervous.
"What's it matter to you?" I sound as irritated as I feel.
Jace looks down the street anxiously, avoiding my eyes and letting out a shaky sigh. "I don't want you to kill yourself."
"Why?"
"You don't deserve to die."
"You don't even know me."
"I want to."
That makes me pause, stunned by his words. A sigh escapes me and I look up once more at that ledge. Maybe I can post-pone it and give this guy a chance. There is always the option if I need it I guess. "Alright... alright, I won't do it."
Jace seems to perk up at that and hugs me randomly. My eyes widen and I breathe in sharply as he presses against the tender bruises that litter my body. I want to be angry, but that would be wrong, he doesn't even know what's happened to me. He pulls back immediately when he notices how rigid I've become and looks at me questioningly. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, just--er--surprised me."
He nods and smiles. "Sorry. I'm just.. happy."
I then, do something I haven't done in a very long time. I feel the corners of my lips turn upwards into what I think could classify as a smile. It feels weird and a little awkward, but at the same time, it feels really nice. "I have a few hours to kill if you want to do something else?"
Jace grins this time and we start walking off together, talking about places we can go, where we can find cool things. As we walk around town, checking out little boutiques and arcades and tea shops, I learn a few things about Jace. He's from Manchester originally and is just here in Reading for the summer at his grandmother's until he goes to University in London, where he previously lived with his family. Which is where he had sent his application earlier. He has an older brother who apparently got all the good traits, but looking at this boy, I can't believe that. I also find out that he loves a lot of the same music as myself, and even loves Muse just as much as myself and he tells me that someday we 'just have to go see them live together'. Jace is such a cool person, and I'm becoming really happy that I decided to give him a chance.
Before I know it, it's almost eight o'clock. Mom and Marcus will probably be too out of it to even notice me walk through the front door. Perfect time to head home.
"I should probably head back home now," I say to Jace.
He checks the time on his phone and nods. "I'll walk you, I don't have to be home at any particular time."
I accept and blush a little. He really doesn't have to walk me home. Not only that, but I'm a little embarrassed to have him see the shit hole I live in. It literally looks like a place where you'd find a meth lab. I just hope that Marcus really will be too high for life and Jace won't witness anything I'll have no good explanation for.
When we reach my street I realize how much I'm really dreading going home and leaving him. I haven't had this much fun in--well, ever I guess?
"I don't really want to go back."
Jace pulls out his phone as we stop in my driveway. "Hand me your phone."
I don't even think about why he'd want it before handing it over. I watch him type something in and then hand it back to me. "I put in my number. Text or call me whenever you need to talk or want to hang out. Okay?"
I feel that knot in my chest once more, but this time it isn't sadness that chokes me up. I shove my feelings back into their little box inside me and take a deep breath, attempting to collect myself before it's obvious to him that I'm on the verge of tears. "Thank you... I'll see you around, I guess."
With that, Jace turns back down the street and I swear I stand there and watch him until he's gone around the corner and out of sight. I feel a hint of earlier's smile playing at my lips again. Whoever this Jace guy is, I'm really glad I met him. I hurry inside, feeling rather light on my feet and all fluttery inside... is this what it feels like to be happy and have friends? If so, I could get used to it.
I happily crawl under my dull, grey blankets and as I close my eyes, I think about shining, pale-blue eyes staring into mine and sweet, crooked grins that are just for me. For the first time in a really long time, I'm not plagued with dark thoughts and nightmares; instead, I sleep soundly.