ELLA
I'm going to tell him today. I have to tell him today. Maybe he won't freak out. Maybe.
The drive to the pizzeria was short. As soon as we stepped inside my nose was filled with the pleasant smell of pizza.
"Can I have a slice of pineapple pizza and one slice of-"
"3 slices of pepperoni pizza" I cut him off.
He stares at me shocked on how many slices I was getting. We soon sit down at a table and wait for our food.
"How come you got so many slices?" He asks as soon as we sit down.
"I'm really hungry" I smile awkwardly.
Oh yeah and did I forget to mention I'm pregnant with twins by my rapist. A nice man sets our pizza down on the table.
"Enjoy" he smiles politely and goes back to making pizza.
The slices are huge. They're two times the size of my palms put together. I'm not only eating for me. This past week I've been craving everything. Burgers, ice cream, cookie dough, hot chips, and especially fortune cookies. Tons of fortune cookies.
Grayson eats his pizza as I devour all three by the time he finishes his one. He smiles at me as I clean my mouth with a paper towel.
"Let's get yogurt" I offer.
"Alright" he smiles.
He loves yogurt almost as much as he loves his pizza. Maybe I can tell him after we get yogurt. I can't lie to him anymore. I can't just tell him I'm okay when I'm not.
~
"Babe" I say as I turn to face him while he eats his yogurt.
"Yeah" he says keeping his focus on his yogurt.
"Babe" I say again.
"Yeah?" He turns towards me.
I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say it. You'd think it'd be as simple as a "I'm pregnant with twins" but it's not so simple. It's much more complicated than that because he's not the father. As much as I'd want him to be, he isn't.
He rests his arm on the steering wheel as we sit in the car waiting for me to respond. I finally let out a deep sigh. One that I'd been holding in for weeks.
"Babe-" I pause.
"I-I-I'm pregnant" I finally manage to say.
"But we haven't, not since-" he stops.
"With twins" I turn back to face the windshield as I stare at my fidgety hands.
"He's the father isn't he" he sighs.
"The man who raped you" Grayson buries his face in his hands.
"He is" I feel my eyes start to tear up as I admit the truth.
"How many months are you?" He questions.
"2 months"
"How did I not even realize it? The mood swings, the crying, the vomiting, and the sudden want of food and cravings" he doesn't look up at me.
He keeps his face in his hands.
"Grayson it's not your fault."
"Of course it is" his voice starts to break as he looks at me.
The tears roll down his eyes. Watching him like this, it breaks my heart. He was the one who wanted to move in with me. He was the one who always wanted to start a family. He was the one who wanted to have children. He was the one who talked about marriage. It breaks my heart to see him like this.
"You thought it was PTSD, this is none of your fault" I sniffle as I rub his back in comfort.
"I'm sorry" his voice breaks even more.
He sits there and cries. He doesn't even care that I'm there with him. He lets it all out and cries. I am breaking his heart. Knowing that all of this is my fault, his pain and mine, makes me feel terrible.
"I remember you told me that no matter how hard it got you'd always be here for me. Now I'm telling you now, no matter how hard this gets, we are going to do this together" I lean over to kiss him.
He looks over to me, his cheeks stained with tears and bloodshot eyes from crying. I grab his hand and place it onto my stomach.
"Together" he faintly smiles.
I will always love him. He will always be the one that I love. And no one can change how I feel for him. No matter how many rough patches we go through I will always choose him.
But I still haven't told him everything. I need to tell him who I really am. I need to tell him the truth. He doesn't know anything about me. But no matter what I haven't told him my love for him was never a lie. It will never be a lie.
"No more lies."