November 4, 1978
My stomach is going to tie itself into such a complicated knot, I'm not sure it will ever come undone; honestly, this may be a permanent adjustment. My skin is sleek with sweat, and my lungs can't seem to take in enough oxygen to satisfy their needs. I'm scared out of my mind. I'm going to vomit. I am going to ask Lily Evans to marry me.
I can't understand why I am so terrified because we've discussed the prospect of getting married. We love each other, and yeah, we're young but a war is going on and we have to make every moment count. I don't want to spend any more time not married to her. She's the one for me, so why shouldn't we get married right now?
The small box in my back pocket feels as if it is on fire. I can't think about anything else except Lily saying no. I've taken rejection a lot in my nineteen, almost twenty, years, but that would destroy me in way I don't think I could ever come back from.
"James," a soft voice says. "Come back to me."
I look over to meet Lily's green eyes, and she smiles at me and lets out a small laugh. She shakes her head with a roll of her eyes. "What were you thinking so hard about? You look as if you're going to jump right out of your skin, love."
I shake my head and force out a gruff laugh. "Just life, I guess."
She wraps an arm around my waist as we continue walking down the street. "Are you worried?"
I press a kiss to the top of her head. "Who isn't?"
"Please, stop," she tugs on my hand, pulling me to look at her. We stop in front of the small house I purchased in Godric's Hollow for myself, until Lily can join me. "Are you okay?"
I take her head in between my hands, smiling at her, seeing the worry swimming in her eyes. I press my lips to hers trying to put into it what I cannot put into words. I pull away, and she stares at me unconvinced.
"Let's go inside, yeah?" I suggest, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the front door.
She follows as I walk to the front porch. My stomach twists as I open the door, pulling her inside with me into to the darkness. With a flick of my wand, dozens of candles within the room are lit.
Lily walks forward, the illumination of the light bouncing off her fiery hair. She takes a deep breath as she walks towards the center. I drop to my knee quickly while she has her back turned to me and fumble for the box in my back pocket. I open the lid and wait for her to turn back to me. When she does, her eyes land on me, and she smiles. Her eyes shine with fresh tears as she stares on, and a nervous laugh leaves her lips.
I clear my throat. "Lily, I have been in love with you since I was eleven years old. I know feelings weren't mutual, and that I pushed your buttons on a daily basis. I'm sorry about that, but little me didn't know how to handle those emotions. And I'm sorry I was too dense in seventh year at first to realize you liked me too, but I'm kind of glad it was hard to get. Because it has made me appreciate every second that I have spent with you. I am so in love with you; it's ridiculous really. I can't imagine loving anyone more because I don't know how my heart could contain it. But I love you, and I promise to love you for the rest of our lives. So, will you, Lily Marie Evans, do me the honor of letting me push your buttons for the rest of your life and marry me?"
Tears streamed down her face as she whispered, "Yes."
December 15, 1979
Knock! Knock! The sounds of my knuckles connecting with the wooden door echo throughout our bedroom. "Lil, you okay?"
Silence is the answer to my question. I stare at the far wall of our room, waiting for some kind of response, but it doesn't come. "Lily, you have to the count of five to open this door before I force my way in there."
"One," I say, leaning against the door and pressing my ear to the wood. There is no sound from the other side of the door.
"Two." She's been in there for a long time.
"Three." Rustling can be heard from the other side.
"Four." Barefeet pad against the tile floor.
"Fi-ahh." I fall before catching myself, as Lily swings the door out from my side. I turn quickly to face her. She stands in one of my old wool sweaters; it swims along her thin frame. Legging clad legs peek out from the baggy material, running down into fuzzy socks. Her long red hair is pulled back sloppily into a bun, pieces of it falling to frame her pale face. Her eyes stare at me, but it's almost as if she can't see me.
"Lily," I say carefully. "Will you please tell me what the hell is happening? I am going out of my mind with worry."
"Uh, James," she says, her voice shaky. "We have a surprise."
Her green eyes meet mine, and so many emotions swim in those emerald depths, I can't decipher any of them. "I'm not following," I admit.
She hands over a small, white stick. I look down at the double lines at the center of the stick. I squint my eyes at the lines as if they'll do something or if they signify something, but I just feel more confused the longer I stare.
"I have no clue what this is," I say with a small laugh. Lily smiles back at me, and I spot two more white sticks on the counter by the sink.
Lily clears her throat. "There are some things I still don't use magic for because I guess there are things I just can't bring myself to us magic for. These are muggle pregnancy tests."
My head reels with the information. Pregnancy tests? "Um," is all I can force out of my mouth. "And...the...double lines?"
"I'm pregnant, James."
October 22, 1981
"IT'S YOUR FAULT, YOU FILTHY TRAITOR! I HATE YOU! YOU BASTARD!" Sirius slams Remus against the wall, gripping fistfuls of his jumper in each of his hands.
"FUCK YOU!" Remus yells as he tackles Sirius to the floor, sitting up only to connect his fists with Sirius' face.
"Knock it off!" I yell racing forward to pull my two best mates off of each other. Once Remus has been pushed to the couch, Sirius starts towards him. "No!"
I push sirius against a wall, hand pressed firmly to his chest. "Stop it," I command. "Both of you."
"Marlene is dead," Sirius says dejectedly. "The Bones are dead. The Prewett brothers are dead. Everyone is dying, and there is a traitor among us. And he's sitting on your fucking couch, James!"
Remus is on his feet again. "Why the fuck do you think it's me? What have I ever done to make you think it's me?"
"You tell me," Sirius mutters darkly. "Werewolf."
Remus' eyes blaze. "How do we know it's not you, Black?"
Sirius strains against me, jaw clenched in concentration and anger. "No!" I shout. "We're not doing this! You sit down!" I push Sirius into the arm chair.
"You!" I turn pointing a finger at Remus. "Couch, now!"
They sit opposites of each other, staring coldly into the other's eyes. "You want to fight?" I ask angrily. "You want to scream and yell and accuse each other of all the crimes committed. Do it. Get it out. But, you will not harm each other and slam each other into walls in my house. Do we understand?"
"You want us to rationally discuss the fact that there is a traitor giving secrets to Voldemort that is killing our friends?" Remus looks to me, disgust apparent on his face.
"I don't know why you sound so upset," Sirius scoffs. "You're the one doing it."
Remus jumps to his feet. "I AM NOT!"
Sirius gets to his feet. "Who else could it be?"
Remus pretends to ponder it in a mocking manner. "Oh, hm let's think about that, I don't know, you!"
"I can't be in the same room as him," Sirius shakes his head. "I can't look at you. You disgust me." Sirius turns on his heel and walks through the door, closing it with a slam.
I feel empty. Two of my best friends have come to genuinely hate each other. I feel sick. I feel like screaming. Everything is messed up. Everything is wrong, and I am powerless to stop it.
"It isn't me, James," Remus whispers carefully.
I look up to see him staring at me sadly, chocolate eyes smoldering. His clothes hang off of him more than normal, and more lines have appeared in his face. "I know it isn't," I sigh. "But, it isn't Sirius either."
October 31, 1981
Harry lets out a baby laugh. One of those laughs you knew was deep from the gut and never failed to make you laugh too. He reached for the colored smoke erupting from my wand, disappointed when his hand closed around air. I aim the green smoke for his face, and he laughs even more.
"Are you suffocating our child?" Lily demands walking into the room with a mock-stern look on her face.
"I am entertaining our child," I reply. She bends over to press her lips to mine.
"Is that right?" She demands with a smile.
I nod, making the smoke come out as rings as they erupt in a puff against his small face. He squeals with giggles running his little hands along his cheeks. "See? I'm great at entertaining."
"Uh huh," Lily laughs. "Well, you can entertain him in the morning. It's bed time."
"But, I'm not sleepy."
"Why are you like this?" She demands with a roll of her eyes.
I bend over to pick up Harry. "You love me," I say pressing a kiss to her temple as I place our baby in her arms.
"That I do, you dork," she laughs.
I toss my wand to the couch, leaning back with a stretch and a yawn; I sigh as my back pops from being stiff for too long. I walk ahead of Lily wanting a glass of water from the kitchen. The front door burst open with a thud and an illumination of yellow light. I have a split second to see Lord Voldemort standing in the doorway, cloaked in black and holding his wand.
I turn back, sprinting towards Lily and our child. She turns to see me, eyes wide with surprise as she sees the look on my face. "Lily!" I yell. "Take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off!"
She shakes her head at me with tears glistening in her eyes. I nod back at her fiercely, tears filling my own eyes. I press my lips to hers sloppily for a mere second, before pushing her towards the stairs.
I turn back to go towards Voldemort. I'm going to die. My wand is in the other room; I'm no match for him without my wand. But, the idea of Lily and Harry getting out and surviving makes it okay. It makes it all okay.
I look into Voldemort's red eyes, and he laughs. I refuse to show fear in my last moments; I refuse to give him the satisfaction. I keep walking towards him, hoping I can at least get a swing in before he does it.
"Avada Kedavra!"
Everything slows. My mind races to get in its last thoughts. People flash across my mind in a constant stream. Lily and Harry- they'll make it out, they'll survive. Sirius and Remus will go on to do great things if they don't kill each other first. And Peter, oh Pete, what did they do to you to get our whereabouts from you?
There's a flash of green. How many times had my father told me horror stories of the green killing curse? How many times had my mother warned me to run from a flash of green? When I first saw Lily on that train and her green eyes pierced mine, all I could think was green death. But, now in the face of the green killing curse, I was not scared because all I could think about was Lily.
Get him out, Lily. Get Harry out of here. Let Harry Potter live. I'll see you soon.
A/N*
Oh my gosh guys. I'm done. I don't know what to say, but I cried writing this. It's been over a year and a half since I started this journey with Ephemeral. I never imagined I would write another story through James' eyes.
Thank y'all for sticking with me through my long periods of not writing and short choppy chapters. You guys are all the bomb. I never imagined I would get 14k reads. You have no idea how happy that makes my heart.
I hope you all read my next book, but if not thank you for reading this one. It's been the best journey. Love you all.