Ryan insisted that he drive Brendon to his apartment.
Brendon insisted that he didn't have to.
Obviously Brendon had no say so in the situation, so they're in Ryan's car and are about to pull into the busted up concrete that the owner considers a parking lot.
Ryan carefully pulls into a parking space as he examines the outside of the brick building.
It's quite literally falling apart.
"Please don't tell me you live here." Ryan says kind of desperately. He's hoping that Brendon is playing a joke on him.
"Home sweet home." Brendon says sarcastically, pursing his lips and getting out of the car.
Ryan gets out and follows close behind Brendon, afraid that if he's too far away from him then he'll disappear forever.
When they go inside and start walking up the stairs, they creak under their feet and Ryan is scared that the stairs are going to break and he and Brendon will fall through to who knows where.
"Brendon." Ryan says disbelievingly. "You can't live here."
Brendon smiles softly to himself as he heads down the dark hallway to his and Emily's apartment. He loves that Ryan is showing that he cares about him, which he already knew, but with Ryan voicing it, it's making Brendon feel like his sixteen year old self again. Just for a moment.
He can hear Ryan mumbling things to himself, probably about the shitty apartment building, and Brendon is thinking to himself "just wait until you see the actual apartment."
Brendon puts the key in the lock and turns it. He turns the knob, opening the door, and Emily jumps up from the couch and rushes to the front door.
"Jesus fucking Christ." Emily and Ryan say in unison.
They look at each other, surprised expressions, and Brendon is looking at both of them with a raised eyebrow.
Ryan looks around, feeling like he could puke. The apartment looks very much similar to the house he used to live in with Brendon.
"Where the hell have you been?" Emily asks, wrapping her skinny arms around Brendon and pulling him into a hug. Brendon hugs back, but not as tight.
"Emily, this is Ryan." Brendon ignores her concerned question and introduces his roommate to his -wait, what are they? "Ry, this is Emily."
Ryan still melts whenever Brendon calls him the nickname.
"He was with me all night." Ryan takes it upon himself to let the girl know where Brendon was. She stares at Ryan like he's some sort of criminal or something. "Don't worry, I didn't hurt him." He adds. "Not too bad anyway." He smirks at remark that was mostly meant for Brendon and himself, and he's kind of hoping he said it quiet enough so that Emily didn't hear him.
"I'll show you my room." Brendon takes Ryan's hand, subconsciously lacing their fingers together and Ryan smiles because of it.
They head into Brendon's bedroom and Ryan takes a good look around.
The paint is peeling, there's an actual hole in the wall, showing insulation and support beams. The ceiling looks like it's caving in and the carpet is filthy.
"You're not staying here anymore." Ryan says instantly, as if he as a say in where Brendon can and cannot live. "I'm not gonna let this piece of shit kill you."
Brendon can't help but laugh as he takes his work clothes from yesterday off and changes into something else.
He knows Ryan is watching him, and so he takes his time to do it.
Ryan's got his hand up to his mouth, biting on his finger to try and prevent himself from tackling Brendon to the bed and having his way with him like he did this afternoon.
Brendon strips completely, from head to toe, and Ryan's eyes are glued to Brendon's beautiful, round ass. His dick was just inside of it just a few hours ago. Ryan wonders if he's still got come spilling from it, despite their shared shower before they left the hotel. He could go and spread Brendon's cheeks and find out.
But Brendon pulls a clean pair of boxer briefs on before Ryan has enough courage to do it.
"And where else would I go?" Brendon asks, pulling a pair of dark gray sweatpants on. He doesn't bother with a shirt as he goes and sits on his perfectly made bed. "This is the cheapest place I could find."
"It's a waste, that's what it is." Ryan joins Brendon on the bed, making Brendon lie next to him.
Brendon obliges and curls into Ryan's side.
"Well it's all I can afford right now." Brendon doesn't feel like talking about his shitty apartment. He'd much rather lie here with Ryan and do nothing but familiarize himself with Ryan's form again.
"You know," Ryan starts, speaking in a low voice, kissing Brendon's forehead a couple times. "you could come back to Connecticut with me."
Brendon's heart skips a beat and he doesn't know what he should say to that.
He can't just leave his job and he definitely can't leave Emily.
Although Brendon could transfer and Emily could go back to living in a nice house with her parents. She only moved out because she wanted to feel independent. And because Brendon needed a roommate and Emily was just so kind to offer.
But most of all, Brendon swore to himself that he'd never go back to that state again. He doesn't want to be reminded of his stupid decisions and mistakes. He doesn't want to go back into the house. He can't, because all he'll see if images of the morning he left. He'll walk in the front door, see an exhausted, sleeping Ryan lying in the hallway, waiting for Brendon to throw his fit and come out to talk to him. He'll see a white sheet of paper on the counter, folded once with Ryan's name written in red, and then he'll see all those words he regrets writing inside of that paper.
"I don't know Ryan." Brendon says, even quieter. "You have to give me time to process this."
He shifts himself like he's trying to press his body closer to Ryan.
Ryan doesn't push it any further. He'll wait for Brendon to make up his mind.
And if Brendon doesn't want to go back to Connecticut, maybe Ryan can get used to Maryland.
"So what'd you do after you left? Where'd you go?" Ryan brings himself to ask, because he needs to know these things.
Brendon hesitates before speaking.
He removes himself from Ryan and sits up on his bed, folding his legs and fiddling with his hands again in his lap.
"A few places." Brendon says quietly.
Ryan stays lying down, only he moves to lie on his side and he's propping his head up on his hand with his elbow digging into a pillow.
"Tell me." Ryan inquires. He doesn't want to pressure Brendon, but he just wants to know where he's been, what he's been doing, who he's been with. The basics.
"I walked for hours. Didn't know where I was going because I didn't have a phone -"
"I know, you left it at my house." Brendon closes his eyes and sighs to himself. "Sorry."
"- so I just kept walking until I decided to hitchhike. Some guy said he'd give me a ride where ever I needed to go."
"Did you fuck him?"
"Can you let me finish please?" Brendon says, his tone laced with a touch of anger. "And no, I didn't fuck anyone. I told you that. You're the only person I've ever had sex with. I've never kissed anyone else, never touched anyone else, nothing. I stayed to myself. Now be quiet and let me finish."
Ryan's glad Brendon isn't looking at him because he smiles to himself. He reaches out the hand that isn't holding up his head and he places it on Brendon's thigh.
Brendon tries not to shiver at the simple touch.
"He drove all the way here, non stop, and when we did stop, I got out without saying a word to him. He went into a gas station to pay for gas and I got out and started walking away. Still not having any idea where I was, I just kept walking and then it started raining, so I found a small park that had a gazebo and I slept on the picnic table until morning. I went around looking for help wanted signs, filled out a ton of applications, and when I walked into Pet Supplies Plus, the manager looked at me when I asked for an application and called me into his office. He asked me why I was looking for a job and I lied to him, saying I lost my parents and none of my family wanted me, that I had no one and I was pretty much homeless. He let me fill out the application and hired me on the spot, so I've been working there since I left your house." Brendon takes time to breathe, to let himself remember all the things he tried to push away out of his mind. He's telling himself not to cry, and so far he's doing a good job at it.
"So, I only worked four days a week then, because I was new and part time. I didn't have anything else to do after work or anywhere else to go. I just walked around town and slept on park benches. Then I ended up getting a second job at some stupid diner as a waiter, but that didn't work out because someone complained that there was a hair in their food, and there was, a fucking blond one, and clearly I'm not blond. I got fired over it anyway. Worked there for almost four months. I saved my checks from the pet store so I could have a down payment on an apartment and I used the money from the diner job to buy food and anything else that I needed."
"How long were you sleeping on park benches for?" Ryan asks quietly, feeling sick to his stomach at the thought of his boy lying on a wooden bench, a picnic table, something that wasn't a bed, and he hates himself even more at that point for not looking harder for Brendon.
"Um, I wanna say like five or six months." Brendon says, like it's nothing, no big deal that a sixteen year old was homeless, sleeping out on the streets. "A guy that used to work at the pet store offered to let me come stay with him, but I didn't want to intrude or anything so I declined."
"How the hell did you shower?"
Brendon laughs and shakes his head, thinking about the things he's had to do.
"I didn't." He says, feeling extremely embarrassed. "Not all the time anyway. I'd lock myself in public bathrooms so I could at least wash myself and clean up. I had a toothbrush and toothpaste in my bag. Can you imagine how difficult it is to wash your hair in a bathroom sink?"
Brendon chuckles again and Ryan doesn't think it's funny at all.
"I found this piece of shit and it was the only thing I could afford so I just gave the guy every single penny I had and the same guy that offered to let me stay with him gave me this bed," Brendon pats on the mattress he and Ryan are currently occupying. "and I actually had it out in the living room until I could find a cheap couch, which is the one that's out in the living room. I met Emily a little over a year ago, or something like that, and she moved in with me. No idea why because this place is a shit hole and her parents house is amazing, in every way possible."
Ryan remains quiet and Brendon sits with his legs crossed on the small twin sized bed, still looking down at his lap. Ryan's hand is still resting gently on Brendon's thigh.
"I'm sorry you had to go through all that." Ryan says, to which Brendon shrugs a shoulder. "Well you didn't have to because -"
"Please don't." Brendon silently begs. He's done with the fighting about him leaving. Done with it. Shut up Ryan. "Come on. I'll show you the rest of the apartment that's gonna kill me."
Ryan glares at Brendon because of his last remark and they get off the bed and walk out of Brendon's room. It's the one at the end of the hallway, just like Ryan's room was at the end of the hallway in his home in Connecticut. He almost feels sick over how similar it is.
"This is Emily's room." Brendon says as he points briefly to the closed door. "This is the bathroom." Ryan looks around and listens to Brendon's voice, telling him where things are like they aren't obvious. "Living room obviously, and then the kitchen."
They enter the small room and Ryan hums.
"Smaller than mine." Ryan mutters to himself.
"What?" Brendon asks.
"Huh?" They look at each other in confusion. "I didn't say anything."
"Yes you did."
"I did not." Ryan tries to play it off with a smile and Brendon isn't buying it. "Okay, fine. I said it's smaller than my kitchen."
"Oh." Brendon says quietly. "Yeah." He looks down at the floor.
"Did you ever notice how similar this place looks to my house?" Ryan asks, and he realizes he keeps saying "my house" when it isn't his house anymore because he sold it. He just doesn't want to tell Brendon that.
"I did." Brendon looks at Ryan and nods. "That's why I rented it."
Ryan is almost astonished.
Brendon walks away, but he's stopped by a hand gripping his wrist.
The two of them stand in the kitchen, side by side with Ryan's fingers wrapped around Brendon's wrist. Ryan's facing the kitchen sink and Brendon is facing the entrance to the living room.
"I know I keep saying this," Ryan begins, and Brendon's heart rate picks up. He wonders if Ryan can feel it on his fingertips. "but you didn't have to leave. I didn't want you to leave."
Brendon clears his throat and looks at the floor again.
"I know." He simply says, now looking at Ryan.
Ryan looks over at Brendon and their arms wrap around each other instantly in a tight hug.
Ryan's hands find Brendon's face, cupping his cheeks and he slowly leans in and kisses Brendon's lips softly. Brendon sighs contentedly against Ryan's mouth and he moves his arms from around Ryan's neck to his back and he holds onto him, holding him close to his own body.
It's Ryan initiating the kiss and he's the least disappointed when Brendon slips his tongue past his lips.
A full on, heated make out session, in the middle of the kitchen.
That's what Emily's looking at right now.
She's watching them as they swap tongue and spit. She sees the way Ryan holds Brendon, as he moves his hands from cupping his cheeks, to gripping his hips, and the way Brendon is falling into Ryan, that if Ryan let's go of Brendon, then Brendon will fall to the floor. Brendon's hands are splayed on Ryan's lower back, and Emily can tell that they've obviously done this before, plenty of time.
It hits her now, that Ryan is the one Brendon's been writing about. Ryan's the reason Brendon doesn't show his feelings or talk about them. Ryan's the reason for Brendon's long showers. Ryan's the reason for everything.
She starts to feel awkward just watching them, so she clears her throat as she walks further into the kitchen.
Ryan and Brendon break apart and wipe their mouths, smiling softly at each other.
"So," Emily starts, as she heads for the refrigerator. "where'd you two meet?"
She knows almost everything because Brendon's written everything in his journal, from the day he saw Ryan to the day he left Ryan, and even things after that.
"Um," Brendon isn't sure what to say because he doesn't feel like getting into details. Not again. "we're just old friends." He says, and it hurts Ryan a little because they weren't friends, they were never friends. They've always been more than just friends.
"Seems like you're more than friends to me." She grins as she brings a bottle of water to her lips and takes a sip.
"It's a long story and I don't feel like getting into it right now." Brendon is giving her pleading eyes and she understands, so she doesn't press the issue. Not just because Brendon doesn't feel like talking about it, but because she already know. She feels like shit for reading it, but Brendon left it out on the living room table and curiosity got the best of her.
She even found herself crying because of it. The poor kid, she thought, after she placed it back in the table.
"You look a bit old." Emily notes, directing it toward Ryan. Ryan can't help but feel offended, because really, twenty-seven isn't that old. It could be worse. He could be thirty. "How old are you?"
"Would you like to do a background check also?" Ryan retorts, not necessarily meaning to come off as an asshole. Brendon nudges his side. "I'm twenty seven as of August thirtieth."
"Holy shit, Bren. You didn't tell me you were into older guys." Emily's eyes grow even wider because Brendon did not mention the age difference in his journal. Emily knows that journal-Brendon was at least sixteen, and he was writing about a guy who he was so incredibly in love with, but she had no idea that the guy he was writing about was Ryan, and if Ryan is twenty seven right now, that that would have made him at least twenty five at the time all of Brendon's journal entry stories occurred.
"Yeah, well there's a lot that people don't know." He doesn't mean it in a rude way. He was mostly talking to himself, but Emily is smart enough to know that and she doesn't take it to heart.
Brendon sees that Emily is wearing her work uniform and he feels relieved that she'll be heading to work soon.
She grabs a lunch bag from the refrigerator and steps in front of Brendon to give him a hug.
"I'm glad you're happy." She says quietly next to his ear. "It looks good on you."
With a small kiss on the cheek, Emily waves to Ryan and heads out the front door so she can make it to work.
Neither of them have a car. Brendon still doesn't even have his license. Emily does, she got it when she was seventeen, but she doesn't have a car.
"So, now that we're alone." Ryan steps even closer to Brendon and cups his cheek again, tilting his own head to the side and he presses their lips together.
"Actually," Brendon says after kissing back and pushing Ryan away. "can we just sit and talk or something? Or we don't even have to talk. Just be with me."
"Yeah," Ryan nods and takes Brendon by the hand. "yeah, of course. Anything you want."
They walk back into Brendon's room and lie down on the bed.
Ryan even got rid of his bed that he and Brendon had sex on because he couldn't bare to sleep on it anymore. Fuck, he got rid of damn near everything because it reminded him of Brendon.
Ryan's lying on his back and Brendon is lying on top of him, straddling his waist and just letting his head rest on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan's hands are slowly and softly running up and down Brendon's back. Brendon feels content. He's happy. Finally happy to be back in the arms of Ryan.
"It might be too soon, but did you think about yet?" Ryan asks quietly.
"Think about what?"
"Coming back with me."
"I said to let me process everything first. Not to let me think about it."
Ryan groans and wants to punch himself for it.
"Is this what you want?" He asks Brendon, becoming annoyed for no reason. "Do you wanna be with me or not?"
Brendon sits up, still straddling Ryan, and Ryan instinctively places his hands on Brendon's hips, digging his thumbs into them as Brendon puts his hands on Ryan's lower stomach.
It's just something they'd do during sex, they can't help it.
"Why are you even asking me this?" Brendon counters, furrowing his eyebrows. "That's the stupidest thing you could ever ask me, and you've asked some pretty stupid things before."
"Well I need to know so I'm not just wasting my time here."
"Oh, so now you're wasting your time?" Ryan is quite surprised that Brendon is still straddling him. Brendon usually gets up and walks away. Leaves. Leaves him for two years.
"That's not what I meant so don't even go there." Ryan rolls his eyes and squeezes Brendon's hips a little harder. Brendon would be lying if he said it didn't turn him on. "What I'm trying to say, is that. For two and a half years I've done nothing but worry about you and think about you. I've looked for you every time I left the house, every time I drove somewhere. And now that I've finally got you in front of me -"
"I'm on top of you." Brendon says, cutting Ryan off and almost making Ryan lose his train of thought. He almost even pushes his hips up into Brendon, but he doesn't and he's proud of himself. Brendon's giving him a look, the look, and as much as Ryan would love to devour Brendon right now, he can't because this is serious. This needs to be talked about and Brendon needs to shut up and listen to what Ryan has to say.
"- I don't wanna let you go again." Ryan makes Brendon think he didn't even here what he said, and he sees Brendon's expression change, like he's just been turned down. "I'm too in love with you, with us, and I'll try to understand and get through it if I'm not what you want anymore. I probably won't be able to and I might even die over it, but I guess we'll -"
"Shut up." Brendon laughs and Ryan furrows his eyebrows.
"Why do you always tell me to shut up?" Ryan asks seriously.
Brendon shrugs.
"You say stupid things."
"What have I said that's so stupid?"
"Literally everything you just said about me not wanting you."
"Well do you?"
"What do you think?"
"I don't know!" Ryan says, a smile forming on his mouth. "I don't know what to think. All I know is that you need to bring your ass back to Connecticut with me and be with me and never fucking leave me again. I'll handcuff myself to you and throw away the key if I have to. If it means I won't have to be without you again, then I'll do it and you know I will."
Brendon grins happily and runs his hands up Ryan's clothed stomach and chest until they're cupping Ryan's cheeks. Brendon leans down, nose to nose with Ryan, teasing him as his lips are hovering over the others.
"I'd rather cuff you to my bed." Brendon whispers, his warm breath washing over Ryan's mouth.
Ryan shivers underneath Brendon and then he laughs.
"You don't even have a bed frame."
"Fuck off." Brendon kisses Ryan's lips before rolling off of him.
"We're not fucking?" Ryan asks, sounding genuinely confused that Brendon is no longer on top of him but instead cuddling himself against Ryan's side and pulling the comforter over them.
"I'm tired." Brendon suddenly yawns and Ryan is even more confused.
"But we just slept for hours."
"That's the longest I've slept since. You know." Brendon says quietly. "I'm always tired. I just wanna cuddle with you and sleep. Can you do that with me please?"
Brendon's eyes are closed and he's seriously almost already asleep against Ryan's side.
"Course." Ryan says, feeling like shit over Brendon's statement. "Just let me -"
Ryan gets up, disturbing Brendon's comfort, and he removes his every piece of clothing except for his boxers, then climbs back in the small bed with Brendon and Brendon returns to his previous position, pressed against Ryan's side.
Soon enough, Brendon is asleep next to Ryan, pressed against him, holding him for dear life, and Ryan is staring down at the eighteen year old, happiness mixed with sadness in his eyes.
Ryan couldn't even imagine getting up and walking out on Brendon while he sleeps. He can't imagine the way Brendon would react when he woke up with himself no where to be found, probably already states away, nothing but a cellphone on the bed and a white piece of paper with red words written on it. Dried tears in spots that the ink has smeared. Running around the entire house, looking everywhere that could be considered a hiding spot for a person his size. Driving around town -if Brendon had a car that is- looking for Ryan, and feeling like a failure when he can't see him anywhere. Feeling broken. Lost. Like his heart had just been ripped out of his chest, thrown to the ground and stomped on with a pair of football cleats. Making it completely useless anymore, stabbing holes all throughout it.
He wipes away the tears as they fall and he let's himself settle comfortably next to Brendon.
If Brendon chooses not to go back with him, then Ryan will stay here with him. He doesn't care what he has to do. He'd commit murder if it meant he could be with Brendon.
And if Brendon decides that he doesn't want to be with Ryan, then Ryan will commit a suicide instead of murder.
He won't be without him again.
---
fcking finally. after me watching a million hours of rydon on youtube, letting my heart break even more over them, here's another update for you lovelies. <3
also, two months til i get to see fall out boy. got main floor seats so im pretty stoked.
got to see MCR, got to see P!ATD (after they all left Brendon) and I FINALLY get to see FOB.
The only thing that would complete me is if Ryan, Spencer, and Jon came back to Panic! and did one last tour together. okay im rambling. hope you loved it <3<3<3