CHAPTER 67
BLAKE’S POV
“Dude, you gotta talk, man. You can’t just sit around there on your bedroom floor with your back against the wall forever, saying nothing. You’re breathing man, but you’re not alive anymore. Come on, Blake. It’s not the end of the world. She’ll be back. I know she will but— damn—you gotta act strong. You gotta act strong for Nicolle, man. Look at you, your eyes are bloodshot. You don’t eat. You don’t talk. You don’t react. You just sit there, staring at nothing. I talked to you, mom talked to you, dad talked to you, Andrew, Samantha, Luke. Crap, even Nicolle’s family tried talking to you. But you just don’t respond. You seemed lost. Find yourself. Stand up and—I don’t know, maybe try to make an effort to get your girl back.”
He sighed.
“I’ll get back to you later.”
Pagkaalis ni Nick mula sa kwarto ko, umiling na lang ako. Totoo lahat ng mga pinagsasasabi niya. Saturday ngayon pero mula noong Tuesday, kung kelan ako pumunta ng Oaks Village, wala pa akong ibang kinakausap.
Wala ako sa mood para makipag-usap. Si Nicolle lang. Si Nicolle lang ang gusto kong makakausap. Siya lang.
Tumingin ako sa orasan ko at nakitang 9o’clock na ng umaga. Mga ganitong oras nagse-send sa akin ng bagong video si Matthew.
Somehow, nalaman niya kung ano ang cellphone number ko. Nag-text siya sa akin noong isang araw at sinabing gumagawa ng mga videos si Nicolle every two hours para naaalala niya ang mga ginagawa niya. At sine-send niya sa akinpara alam ko na okay si Nicolle. Sine-send niya din yung mga videos na yon sa pamilya ni Nicolle.
Siguro pareho kami ng reaction nina Vincent, Robert at Jennifer tuwing natatanggap ang mga videos. Sobrang natutuwa…. Kase sa mga napapanood ko, masaya si Nicolle. Merong time na nakikain daw siya dun sa kapitbahay nila na si Karla. Merong time na nag-tennis sila noong Czarina Greene. Merong time na knkwento niya yung tungkol sa therapies niya.
At tuwing napapanood ko yung mga videos niya, hindi matanggal ang ngiti sa mukha ko. Kahit papaano—kahit wala ako sa tabi niya—masaya siya.
I should be happy for her, too, right? I was trying to be happy for her. But somehow I couldn’t. Because she’s suffering.
Magbubukas sana ako ng isang video nang biglang may panibago akong natanggap. Galling ulit kay Matthew.
Nakita ko si Nicolle sa video, nakatawa, basing basa at kumakain ng ice cream. “Hi,” bati niya sa camera. “I’m Nicolle Lopez Lee. 18 years old. My birthday is on February 14. I have this condition… uhm, Alzheimer’s disease—which is a common form of dementia. I lose my memory every now and then, get confused, and sometimes I don’t act normally. And in addition, I have this multiple sclerosis. Because of this, I tend to lose my balance, vision, sometimes it’s difficult for me to hear clearly, and I’m uncoordinated.”
Tumingin siya sa malayo at tumawa ng mapait.
“I remember those things now… I don’t know about later. Ten minutes from now, five minutes, maybe ten seconds from now, everything I just said is just another lost memory. Anyway, so here I am, in the public pool of Oaks Village, trying to enjoy the heat of the sun in this raw February morning. As you can see, I’m all—oh!”
Napatigil siya sa pagsasalita dahil hinalikan siya ng isang batang lalaki. Pagkalingon niya dun sa bata, tinanong niya, “Why did you kiss me?”
“Gusto ko eh.”
Tapos umalis na agad yung batang lalaki na humalik sa pisngi niya. Sa totoo lang, nagselos ako. Sana pwede ko ding gawin kay Nicolle yon… sana pwede ko ulit siyang halikan kahit kelan ko gusto. Pero sa ngayon, malabo pa eh. Sa sitwasyon ngayon, mahirap mangyari yon.
“Jeez,” sabi ni Nicolle pagkaharap niya sa camera. “That kid will grow up to be like Blake.”
Tumigil siya sa pagsasalita tapos tumingin ng seryoso sa camera. “Blake Pierre Perez. Right. He was my boyfriend. I loved him. I loved him so much. And he did too. He loved me as much as he could. I think he might’ve asked me to marry him because I had been wearing this ring since I came in here and I didn’t really take it away.”
Pinakita niya sa camera yung engagement ring naming. Ni-pause ko yung video at tinignan yung akin. Napangiti ako. I didn’t really take it away. Hindi niya tinanggal. Hindi niya tinanggal. Binaba ko muna yung phone ko para titigan ng mabuti yung singsing. Ngumiti ako at hinalikan yon. Sana maramdaman ni Nicolle. Sana maramdaman niya. Sana. Sana.
Kinuha ko na ulit yung phone at ni-play na yung video.
Nakatitig pa din si Nicolle sa singsing. Hindi naman matanggal sa mga labi ko ang ngiti dahil kahit papaano, naaalala pa din ako ni Nicolle.
“Blake Pierre Perez. He lied to me. And I’m angry with him, so angry.”
I paused the video again and said to myself, “I know.” I continued watching.
“I didn’t break up with him. I just left him alone, Matthew said. I ran-away but not before asking him to get out of my life. It’s weird, you know. I’m mad at him but I miss him. I miss him so damn much. And I—after everything—I still couldn’t get my heart back from him. He still has it. He always will.”
Nang makita kong pumatak ang luha niya, tumingin ako sa taas at pumikit. Nagpatuloy sa pagk-kwento si Nicolle pero out of focus na ako para pakinggan pa siya. Iniisip ko na lang yung mga sinabi niya na I still have her heart and I will always have it.
I still have her heart and it’s up to me to piece it back together or break it again.
I still have her heart and she still has mine.
***
Nagising ako nang meron akong maramdamang humahaplos sa mukha ko. Unti unti kong minulat ang mga mata ko at unti unti akong napangiti.
Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. Akala ko nananaginip lang ako pero hindi. Totoong hawak hawak ko ang kamay ni Nicolle. Hinalikan ko ito at sinabi ng mahina, “Nasasaktan ka pa ba?”
“Blake?” tawag niya.
“Babalik ka na ba sa akin?”
“Blake… stop.”
“Magkakasama pa tayo diba?”
“Blake, si Tracy to.”
Napasimangot ako at umiling iling. Nang luminaw na ang paningin ko, nakita ko na si Tracy nga ang babae sa harapan ko ngayon at hindi si Nicolle. Bumigat bigla ang damdamin ko. Hindi si Nicolle. Hindi pa si Nicolle.
Huminga ako ng malalim at umiwas ng tingin. Ayoko na munang makakita ng ibang tao ngayon, especially not Tracy. Hindi ko siya kailangan.
What does she want anyway? Is she going to try to steal me away, again? What kind of stupid is she? Paulit ulit na lang bang kelangan ipaliwanag sa kanya na kaibigan ko na lang siya at si Nicolle na talaga ang gusto ko? Eh ang tanga pala niya eh.
Sinubukan kong magpigil ng galit kahit na naiinis ako. Bakit pa kaya siya nagpakita? Pft.
“I’m sorry.”
Napatingin ako sa kanya nang sabihin niya yon. Hindi ako sumagot.
“The last time we talked, I was rude. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. All the pains I caused you. And being so selfish and coward to fight for us.”
Nag-smirk lang ako sa kanya.
“I know it’s nothing to you, but believe me Blake, masaya ako na ginawa ko yon. Because if not, malamang mas mahihirapan kayo ni Nicolle. You and I both know that I believe in destiny… and I think kayo talaga dalawa ni Nicolle. I used to wish you two hadn’t met… but now, I wish I could take all the bad things I did back. And I heard about Nicolle knowing the truth. I’m sorry. Sana Blake, don’t hate me. Sana, okay pa tayo kahit na friends. I won’t ruin anything again, I swear.”
Ngayon ko lang napansin na magkahawak kamay pa pala kami. Natuwa ako sa mga sinabi niya kasi naramdaman ko na totoo yun. Kaya imbes na tanggalin ko ang kamay ko mula sa kamay niya, hinigpitan ko ang pagkakahawak dito. But I’m not ready to talk yet kaya nakinig na lang ako.
“And…I met this guy, Callum. He lives in L.A. Sabi niya sa akin he likes me. And I think I like him.” Ngumiti siya sa akin. “Blake, I’ve finally moved on. That’s great, right? I’ve finally moved on.”
Ngumiti na lang din ako sa kanya at tumayo.
“I hope everything goes well. Atsaka yung plan mo sa February 14, sa birthday ni Nicolle, sana matuloy pa din yon. Alam kong espesyal na espesyal yon. You’ve worked hard for that night. Yung family ni Nicolle, family mo, friends mo. You all worked hard for that night. Sana matuloy. At sana, maging masaya tayong lahat. Alright, Blake?”
Silence ensued.
“I hope you talk to your family soon. You need them. You just had to open. Stop being scared. You can cry if you want to. Wag lang ganyan. Kelangan mong ilabas yan. Goodbye, Blake. And thank you for everything.”
She kissed me on the cheek, binigay sa akin yung phone ko and without any other word, umalis na siya.
“Thank you,” sabi ko pagkalabas niya ng pinto.
Malaking parte pa din ng buhay ko si Tracy. And I’ll never forget her.
Tatayo na ako nang biglang merong kumatok na naman sa kwarto ko. Hindi ako sumagot, as usual, dahil kung sina Nick or Mama or Papa lang yan, alam ko na ang sasabihin.
Pumasok na lang bigla… si Nicolle?
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko but after a second, tumayo ako at tuwang tuwang ngumiti sa kanya.
“Nicolle!” tawag ko.
May dala siyang pagkain. Nilapag niya ito sa tapat ko at sinabing, “Eat.”
Tumango ako.
“After that, get dressed. We’re all going to wait for you outside.”
Bago pa siya makaalis, I grabbed her arm and pulled her into me. “Babalik ka na ba?” tanong ko.
Hindi siya sumagot.
“Nicolle, babalik ka diba?”
Pagkabitaw ko sa kanya, ngumiti siya at sinabing, “Maybe. Maybe not.”
And then she left.