Grayson's POV:
I slammed my foot down on the gas, desperate to leave Bella's house to go home, or anywhere. I couldn't be there, I felt as if I were about to explode, and she can't see that.
My shaky hands gripped the steering wheel tighter, my knuckles turning white from the force. My breath was shaky, and sweat beads were forming on my head, which I wiped away instantly.
She wants to take a break. Well, she doesn't want too, but she thinks we need to. I understand why, but we can't. I can't. I don't know what I'll do without her in my life.
My thoughts were completely cut off as I pulled up in my front path, parking the car instantly and climbing out, slamming the door angrily behind me. I opened the front door which was unlocked, letting me know that I wasn't alone.
" Hey, Gray- " My brother begun, being cut off by me stomping up the stairs, ignoring whatever he said and slamming my bedroom door behind me.
I couldn't control myself, I felt something which I hadn't felt in so long.
The shaky and anxious feeling in me started to rise as I sat on my bed, looking at the draw at the bottom of my desk which I haven't opened in a while. Thinking about Bella urged me to do it, as I lunged forward, opening the draw with the key which was hidden under the shelf. I had almost forgotten the passcode, but soon unlocked it, my breath hitching as I opened the small draw.
I pulled out the leftover belongings, throwing them onto my bed carelessly and sitting down, contemplating whether to do what I was about to do next. I couldn't even think straight, with a million things on my mind. From losing the girl I love to possibly having a panic attack because of it... I didn't know how to react. My vision soon became blurry, and at first I thought it was the effects of me getting anxious, but no, it was tears.
" fuck " I mumbled, wiping away the tears, knowing that I didn't want to cry.
However, I couldn't help myself. The tears started uncontrollably rolling down my cheeks, while I shakily grabbed the small container of anti depressants, the ones I haven't touched in a while.
I haven't told Isabella about that part of my life, I completely skipped it out. I don't want her to think I'm fucked up, but at some times, I am. Before Isabella came into my life I was all over the place, with alcohol, drugs... you name it. All of that, because of Meredith, and what she did to my family. I was never addicted to the smoking or drugs, I jut did it to try and save myself mentally, to wake myself from this nightmare which was never ending. When in reality I was just damaging myself more. I was depressed, but as soon as Isabella walked into my life, it was like everything just flipped for me. And as soon as I heard her say that we needed to take a break, it was like all of my past depression came flooding back. I was so happy and in a bubble with Bella in my life that I didn't even think twice about throwing away the anti depressants I had, or the cigarettes. But, I did leave one packet each behind.
I nervously opened up the container of pills, pouring three out into my hand, adding another to the collection in my palm. I stared at them hopelessly, the thought of Bella coming back into my mind. The more I thought about her and stared at the pills, I just couldn't bring myself to do it, making me throw them into the trash can beside my bed.
By now the tears were flowing at an inhuman rate, my cheeks stinging because of the unfamiliar feeling. I never cry, never. And to be crying, let alone like this, over someone, is just insane. I really am in love, with someone that I just can't have anymore.
I repeated that over and over in my head, the words becoming more and more heartbreaking to hear the more I said them, which wasn't my intention. I thought that repeating it would make me accept it, but no. I wasn't willing to let Isabella go, nor was I willing to give up on us. That's something I could never do, and never will do. I will get her back, no matter how long it takes.
Thinking about it made me lose it even more, my breathing becoming uneven and my hands growing clammy. I held my head in my hands, trying to stop the horrible headache that had just begun, making me let out a loud groan because of the pain. I needed to relax, or be calm, and one thing I knew that used to make me calm, is something I promised myself I would never do again. Bella keeps me calm, but she isn't here, not right now anyway.
I shakily reached for the cigarette packet laid out on my bed beside the open bottle of pills, bringing one to my lips whilst standing up to find my lighter. My hand dug around in the bottom of the draw, desperately trying to find the item. I eventually grabbed it, pulling it out and staring at it in dismay. I thought back to when I first met Bella, and how I did in fact tell her about my smoking habits...
flashback
" what're you even doing on school campus, you said you don't go here " The girl raised a brow, as I nodded my head, whilst she turned to look out at the field.
" yeah but it's quiet up here... I can escape for a little while... go on my phone, smoke, do whatever I want and not get caught " I smirked.
" you smoke? " She asked, obviously quite surprised, well I was too.
" when I'm stressed I have the odd one, yeah " I told her, and she furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.
" there's better ways to handle your problems than smoking... go for a walk, go to the gym, sit outside here by a tree... I don't know, just don't waste your life away because of a tiny worry "
flashback over
Now I'd handle my problems by going to Bella, who's smile was enough to fix everything. But I can't, not when she insists that we need a break. I felt my breathing become uneasy again and I felt anxious at the thought, whilst I lit the cigarette between my fingers, inhaling and immediately coughing in distaste.
I rushed towards the window, opening it and waving my hand around frantically, trying to get rid of the horrid smell of the smoke. However, I kept on doing it, in hopes of finding an escape route like I used to. Clearly, times have changed, as it didn't even relax me, not one bit.
Why?
Because I've found my new drug, my new cure. Isabella.
And I'm definitely addicted.
I continued doing what I was doing, coughing and spluttering after every breath. It was all in slow motion, as I hung out of my bedroom window, hoping that the smell wasn't strong enough to be smelt from downstairs.
However, I was cut from my thoughts when my bedroom door burst open, and a happy looking Ethan came walking into my room.
shit. I forgot to lock the door.
He didn't see me at first, but as soon as he stepped inside his whole facial expression changed, his nose scrunching up in disgust as his eyes landed on me at the window. His jaw dropped in pure shock, while I put out the cigarette in panic, dropping it onto the floor and crushing it with my foot.
" Grayson, what the fuck! " He shouted, oblivious to the fact that I'd done this in my room, therefore meaning that I was hiding.
I immediately shushed him, waving my arms at him in a motion to tell him to shut up, while closing my window and stepping towards him. At this point I was still an emotional wreck, as I wiped under my eyes with the back of my hand, not wanting my twin brother to see me in such a state. It wasn't long before he looked down at my bed, noticing the open container of anti depressants, which made him lose it even more.
" oh fuck, Grayson... no, why're you doing this? I thought you'd thrown them away?!? " Ethan angrily yelled, his head in his hands as he paced back and forth, his veins popping out of his head.
It was dark in my room, so he couldn't properly see me, which I was thankful for. If he saw me in such a wreck he'd worry even more.
" I didn't take the pills! " I groaned, knowing that I couldn't blame him for thinking I had.
" and how am I meant to believe that? They're open and spilled out onto your fucking bed you dipshit! " Ethan screeched, heading to the door and holding his hand up to turn on the light switch.
Soon enough the room had lit up, and Ethan was now staring at me, shocked. I managed to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the corner of my eye, making my stomach churn. My eyes were dark and heavy, while my cheeks were red and blotchy. I looked horrible, I looked broken. And I was.
It was silent, until Ethan let out a long sigh, clearly confused.
" Grayson, you can't go back to that stuff... it's no good for you, it just made everything worse when you were on it " Ethan said much more quietly, and I nodded, agreeing.
" promise me you didn't take the pills? " Ethan asked again, as I looked up.
" I promise... " I trailed off, even though I was being truthful I felt guilty.
Isabella doesn't know about this past part of my life, and as much as it pains me to go back, I have to tell her. I want to tell her, it's just the reaction that I might receive that worries me.
" I know that this is because of Isabella, so what happened " Ethan signed, sitting back down beside me.
" I explained everything, and she thought we should take a break... I got mad and left, and when I got home I looked in my draw for the pills... I was going to take them, but I didn't... I couldn't think straight and so I lit a cigarette and... " I explained, hoping that he wouldn't make me explain what I just did, and felt so annoyed at myself for.
I was so lost that I turned to smoking for calming, just like I used too. Ethan and my family know all about my past experience with using drugs and sometimes alcohol because of the pain Meredith caused us, and they've moved on, just like I did. Of course she caused our whole family damage, but I had a different way of handling it, the wrong way of handling it.
Without a word, Ethan picked up the cigarette packet, almost crushing them in his hand as he threw them into the trash can. It was like he almost started smiling proudly as he saw the four pills that I'd managed to stop myself from taking at the bottom, but I was too. If that were me last year, I'd have taken another three by now, but because I thought of Isabella, I didn't do it. That doesn't excuse the fact that I just went back to one of my oldest habits, though.
" promise me you won't smoke again, don't go back to that " Ethan frowned, looking desperate as ever as he looked at me.
" it was stupid, I get it... I just thought that because I'd lost Bella, I should do it to calm me like it used to... but it didn't work, because she relaxes me... not that " I managed to say, speaking the complete truth.
I need Isabella in my life, otherwise I'm no one.
It was silent, before Ethan spoke up, raising his brow.
" you really love her, don't you? " Ethan said, as I sighed.
" more than anything " was I how I responded, completely speaking my mind.
" I can tell. You've been so happy ever since you two got together... and you never cry over anything, Gray! " Ethan tried to joke, punching my arm playfully which didn't exactly help.
" Ethan I'm being serious, I need to get her back " I muttered, loud enough for him to hear me.
It fell silent for two seconds, as I looked up, noticing Ethan's signature smirk on his face.
" damn right you do "
_____
A/N- I got emotional writing this but here we go!
Btw I apologise if you don't like drama because there's been so much of it recently... it's almost done, ALMOST. Just a bit of an ass kicking chapter including my favourite guy and not so favourite guy ;) BE READY