“That’s it gentleman you are now officially divorced, congratulations.” Lee’s Lawyer smiled at him.
Congratulations? If it was a celebration then why do I feel like I am dying inside? My marriage is officially over and I can see the happiness on Lee’s face as his lawyer shakes his hand. I focused on drawing energy from all over my tired body pulling it into my heart to stop it breaking. I only agreed to this because I still love him despite everything that he has done to me, I didn’t want to torture him by forcing him to stay with me when he clearly didn’t love me anymore.
I almost lost my balance from the effort of trying not to break in front of them and when I looked up and caught his eye I could see the pity in them. I didn’t want his pity, I wanted him to love me still. I wanted us to go back to the beginning when we first met and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. Now he had his man whore Trevor to touch and I had been cast aside like a soiled rag.
His gaze drifted away from me as quickly as it had come and I turned and walked out of the room as sounds of their laughter reached my ears. Another nail in my heart but I wouldn’t let them see me break, no I would wait until I was alone for that.
I sat on the bus wishing it would get me home quickly, I didn’t dare listen to music in case it sent me over the edge. No one sat next to me or tried to engage in conversation with me for which I was grateful, but I probably didn’t look very approachable now anyway.
When it pulled up to my stop I jumped down and mumbled my thanks to the driver, then I walked straight into my mum’s house and up to my old room. Pathetic aren’t I? Thirty seven years old, divorced and living with my mum again, this just couldn’t go on. It has been eight months since I caught him with Trevor and I foolishly expected him to beg me for forgiveness but instead he asked me for a divorce, told me he loved Trevor more than me.
I hate that name, Trevor. It’s shit.
Ok now I am just being petty but I deserve to be. That man stole the love of my life, my childhood sweetheart and my best friend all in one go. He forced me to move in with my mum and he is forcing me to leave my home town, I can’t stay here I have to leave. I need a new start.
I lay on my bed thinking of this when a gentle knock sounded on my door, groaning I climbed up to open it. I really loved my mum, she is still cool despite her age and she spoils me rotten but I just don’t want to live at home. As I opened the door I tried to plaster a fake smile onto my face and greeted her, I must not have been doing a very good job though because her eyes filled with tears and she stroked my cheek in comfort.
Knowing what she was after I stood aside to let her enter and she moved and sat on my bed, I joined her and she asked me what had happened. Taking a moment to compose myself I relayed back the day’s events right up until the lawyer said congratulations.
“Oh my baby boy I am so sorry. If I ever see that good for nothing prick again I will rip his manly bits off.” She cooed.
“I love him so much mum.” I couldn’t help it and finally broke.
“I know you do sweetheart, come here.” She pulled me into a hug and I just sat and cried.
Yeah a very manly experience for me, but unless someone that you love stops loving you back you have no right to judge me. My mother watched us grow up together, she was front row when I married and she was present as we sipped wine and talked about what we would name our children. She understood me and she was feeling some of my pain as she had loved Lee too.
“Do you really have to move so far away though Craig? Fox Island is so hard to get to, I mean I know you’re technically in the same state but really Craig Fox Island?” She was begging again.
“Mum please don’t start again, I need this ok?” I ended it before she could go further.
“Ok sweetheart.” She said and left the room.
I sighed and lay back on my bed, so I had pushed away my husband and now I have disappointed my mother was there anything that I could do right? If there’s someone drawing up the story of my life then please just make it a little less dramatic or give me a heads up next time so I am prepared. I let out a twisted laugh at that part, there would be no next time. I can’t ever go through this again, ever.
Over the next few weeks I packed up all of my belongings, there wasn’t much as I didn’t really want anything from Lee it wouldn’t have made a difference to my situation. So I put the small amount of stuff into a trailer attached to my car and covered it with tarp, then I went back up to the house to wish my mother goodbye. She broke down, you would think that I was moving to another country the drive to Fox Island was barely three hours away.
I smiled and climbed into the car and drove off.
I was quite pleased with the journey as I only had to stop once because I was crying so hard it would have been too dangerous to continue. It wasn’t my fault though, my IPod decided it would be funny to play the song that Lee and I used for our first dance and well as you can imagine the shock took my breath away. I had been sure that I had erased everything sad from the damn contraption but this song wasn’t very sad, technically only the memory of it was. It took me a good forty minutes to stop the lyrics to the song playing in my head long enough for me to clear my eyes and get back behind the wheel.
When I arrived I unloaded quickly and packed everything away in my new apartment. I tried everything to keep busy and take my mind of the huge changes that I was going through, I really hoped that I was making the right decision. Then I let my mind drift to Lee and Trevor, they were in my home town walking around as if nothing had happened and I couldn’t risk seeing them like that.
The next few weeks were hard, I was too frightened to leave my flat because I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone yet. It was on my one month anniversary of being in this city that I hit rock bottom, I was practically a drunk. I drank every day and I had even considered going one step further and that seemed like a very good idea at the time. It was two days ago I was wobbling back from the shops with another bottle of JD in my bag and I saw a rough looking man exchanging a baggy for cash in the alleyway.
I had thought to myself that it would be the perfect escape, and I walked up to him and swapped the remaining money in my wallet for a small amount of the grey/white powder. I walked back home and downed three shots off Jack constantly staring at the package on the bench in front of me.
Another three shots later and I opened the baggy and made up a few lines. Rolling up a dollar note I leant forward hoping that this would truly take away the pain in my chest, hoping it would be an effective means of escape. At that moment my mum decided to make an appearance in my mind, the look of sadness that crossed her beautiful features had me snapping out of my low.
I swiped the powder off the bench and onto the floor, then in anger I punched the wall in front of me and collapsed grabbing fistfuls of my hair. What the hell was I just about to do?! I would not let him ruin me beyond repair, enough was enough time to pick myself up it wouldn’t happen overnight but I couldn’t allow myself to get this bad again. If not for myself for my poor mother, god knows what she would think of me right now.
I poured the rest of my Jack down the sink and wiped away the remaining cocaine from my bench and floors. Then I allowed myself one last night of feeling sorry for myself as I climbed into bed and cried myself to sleep.
The next day I was a mess so I showered and dressed myself properly for the first time since I left the mainland, then I grabbed my keys and left my flat. I just walked around the Island seeing it properly for the first time and it really was a beautiful little city. I knew that if I could just get out of this dark place that I am in I would really enjoy it here, especially the Scuba diving now that was the type of escape that I could live with.
I made this walk part of my routine and eventually I could feel myself letting it all go, I would never forget him because I wasn’t quite sure I had stopped loving him even for a second. It was a start though and if I could let it all go then maybe I could just learn to appreciate what I have again.
The city made me feel wanted, it never left me and it never spoke any harsh words or hurt me in any way. As the warm wind whipped around me as I walked along the docks it almost felt like a hug, I felt loved and I began to love her back after all she was all I had left.
The loneliness that had gripped me and had stayed with me since Lee had left me was slowly fading away and I welcomed the release. It was like a weight was being lifted from my shoulders and that I could finally breathe freely once again.
As I move from the dark to the light I know the city will help me through it and I don’t ever want to go back to that dark place again. It sounds crazy I know that but I would survive. I could finally see the light at the end of a very dark tunnel and this place, this Island would help me to finally emerge into the light.
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Based on the lyrics to Under the bridge by the Red hot chilli peppers.
Jamie's choice I hope it's ok for you hun x