Collection of One Shot's

Just go for it!

I have spent a long time in my life trying to fit in with the crowd, fit in with what society deems as normal. I work hard, I have a fancy car and a nice home. I have a lot of mates and I go out a lot wearing only the best cloths and accessories, so materialistically life is great. Sometimes it becomes draining keeping up the constant pretence that this is who you are and that you are happy to be living with everyone’s approval, that it is enough when it is not.

I go through the motions of life and don’t let me sound spoilt I work hard and do really enjoy the perks but it’s not solely who I am. I brush off comments that I am a fag because I haven’t had a girlfriend in over ten years and I block my ears when my parents start their lectures about meeting the perfect girl so that I can give them grandkids. It’s bullshit.

I wonder what they would say if I told them the truth? I wonder how fast all of my mates would disappear if they knew that I really was a ‘fag’ and I wonder what my parents would say if their grandkids had two fathers instead of a mother?

I won’t tell them though, I am twenty nine years old and I am a coward plain and simple.

I haven’t really been in any relationship that would make me change my mind either. I have had a few short term ones in secret but when I refuse to come out they walk away and I don’t really blame them. So outwardly I am good old Kev, up for a laugh and willing to splash the cash on a good night out for my mates or treat my parents to a weekend away. Inwardly I feel like half of me is missing and that I am dying slowly, a little bit of myself falling away with each day that passes.

It’s not even about meeting someone, of course that would help me but I would prefer to just have the balls to be out and proud. I sometimes sneak off to gay bars alone but it doesn’t help it just makes me pine even more for the life that I want but am too afraid to reach out and grab.

It was becoming harder and harder to make up excuses for pushing women away too. I am not being big headed here or anything but I have grown up like a good wine, I have just become better with age. I used to be a scrawny speckley git but now I am tall, toned with brown hair and eyes. I have a perfect amount of stubble on my chin and naturally golden skin because I have Italian in my bloodline, even the tattoos seem to help me with the women. Trouble is I don’t want the attention, at least not from them because the more they come over the harder it becomes to keep my secret.

Sometimes I am so cruel to them and I really don’t want to be but in order for my mates not to question me, I have to make it look like I find them unattractive. I am an awful person, a scumbag but I don’t want to be like this I really don’t. I know what you’re thinking, what are you afraid of in this day and age, everyone’s coming out and standing proud- well I am not as brave as those people I don’t want to lose everything.

So here I am in front of the mirror yet again pulling on some expensive clothes that they persuaded me to buy and spraying myself with some smelly aftershave that I wouldn’t have chosen. It’s Saturday night and were all heading into town to ‘scope out the fanny’ I swear those were not my words and now you see what I am dealing with!

When I have finished getting ready I pop my wallet and phone in my pockets and took one last look at myself in the full length mirror. I sighed because I look like I have just walked off the front cover of GQ magazine and for most people that would be good but for me it meant I would hurt a few people tonight. I sound so self-centred don’t worry I am aware but this really isn’t how I want to look, if I have to live like this I’d rather be a wallflower.