It all started about four years ago, I started a new job a bar so that I could pay my way through the last year of University. I met Chris there, he was an old timer and had been working at the bar for years so he was the one that was given the job of showing me the ropes. He was very nice and we clicked instantly, being twenty five at the time he was four years older than me and because of the attention and the excitement of it being an older man I fell and hard.
For the first six or so months we were inseparable and he made sure that I was given the same shifts as him so that we didn’t even need to part to go to work. He would treat me to nights out and I would return his gesture by buying him small gifts, nothing special but the gesture was there. He would always tell me how much he enjoyed being in my company. He would get upset when I had to go to class or pull an extra shift at work and I thought we were in love, naively I thought this was it, and he was the one.
One day I came home and he was in my flat I smiled at him and kissed him on the forehead, then I went to the fridge to grab a drink and asked him if he wanted one. When I went back to him he was pulling on his coat getting ready to leave and I looked at him confused when he wouldn’t look at me properly.
“This isn’t working out for me anymore Ben sorry.” He mumbled and with that he left my life.
It is safe to say the next three weeks were awful for me, I barely moved from my bed, quit my job and refused to go to class. I was an utter mess. I lost all dignity by calling him constantly, texting him when he wouldn’t pick up and hounding him on Facebook and Twitter. I wanted to get back with him of course I did I loved him but I would settle for an explanation, something that told me where I had gone so wrong. I thought we were happy.
In a desperate state I even went to his house and sat on his doorstep all day and night waiting for him so that I could find out, but he never came back or if he was already in there he ignored me completely. I felt desperate, a pathetic loser and looking back I realised that he never once gave me the impression that this would be forever for him.
Eventually sick of my moping and worried about the threatening letters I was receiving from the University, my friends dragged me from my pit and forced me to clean myself up. For the first few days back out in the open I was terrified of bumping into him, I walked around like a zombie and ignored anyone that tried to talk to me unless it was my friends.
In my English lecture they were discussing unrequited love and I thought this was so damn typical, all year it had been about war poetry and crap like that and when I come back it’s about love! I got up and left the room before I broke down in front of everyone I noticed that the lecturer gave me a scowl as I left but I couldn’t stay here.
The first time I saw him was about a month later, I was in a coffee shop reading a text book for an exam I had later that week and he walked in. I heard him before I saw him, I would recognise that laugh anywhere and I held my breath listening to him before looking up. When he caught my gaze I blushed crimson and I winced as my heart froze in solid ice when he looked me up and down then ignored me.
I ran from the coffee shop as quickly as I could, I was mortified. I made a deal with myself right there and then that I would move on, somehow I had to forget him. I decided that it was time to try and date again, maybe I could meet someone who appreciated me more than Chris did?
My friends helped me as much as they could and even set me up on a few dates but in the beginning I couldn’t stop comparing them to Chris and with each failed attempt I would get more and more angry at myself. I let him take a part of me and I needed it back, I was trying my hardest but nothing seemed to be working.
Until I met Dylan two years later, he was such a nice guy and we started slowly as he understood that I had come out of a bad breakup and was happy to wait. We went on a few dates and I started to relax with him and I found that he was really easy to talk to, funny and he always kept eye contact with me which was nice. As nice as he was though I reminded myself that Chris had been like that in the beginning then he had left me without an explanation, so I continued to date Dylan but held myself back.
Now I have been seeing Dylan for about a year and I couldn’t be happier, I still think of Chris at least once every day and I miss him but I remember that he wasn’t the perfect guy I had once thought he was. I still found it hard to believe that it has been around three years since I saw him last, and sometimes I felt guilty that he still occupied my mind when I had a perfect boyfriend.
This weekend I was taking Dylan out for our one year anniversary and I wanted it to be perfect, so I had roped in a guy that I know who works in a new restaurant across town. He was going to arrange for us to have one of the expensive tables in a private room with a private bar, in return I had to introduce him to my sister. A very gross thought but worth it to make this as romantic as possible for Dylan, he had put up with a lot from me in the beginning and I wanted to show him how grateful I was.
So here I am walking to the restaurant to drop my gift off so they could bring it out to him while we were there, that way he wouldn’t guess what it was before we arrived. It wasn’t expensive but I knew it was something he really wanted. After graduating University I had been accepted into a great job but Dylan didn’t care about expensive gifts, he preferred something with a personal touch and I hoped this would be perfect.
Richie the guy at the restaurant showed me the little private room where we would be served and I loved the miniature private bar. I thanked him telling him I couldn’t wait, he laughed at me and pushed me out the door muttering something about being in love. It would be so cool if we were left alone with that bar, I loved the privacy it provided and I couldn’t wait to just sit and eat good food and talk to Dylan alone.
When the weekend arrived I was bouncing with anticipation, what if he didn’t like it? What if my gift was crap? What if he left me like Chris did? I couldn’t get all of the stupid questions out of my mind and it was going to drive me crazy, so I washed my face with cold water to snap myself out of it. Then I dressed and left to meet Dylan at the restaurant, I wanted to get there before he arrived so that he wasn’t waiting alone.
I didn’t have to wait long, ten minutes in fact when a taxi pulled up and he jumped out beaming at me. I kissed him gently and grabbed his hand pulling him into the now crowded restaurant, he looked a little confused as we don’t normally go to busy places so that we can enjoy each other’s company without any funny looks. I smirked as the Maitre’d took us to the small room at the back of the restaurant, when we walked in it was all set up beautifully with candles and flowers.
There was soft music playing in the background and the candles must have been scented because it smelled of freshly baked cookies. I heard Dylan gasp beside me and I turned and smiled at him to see if he approved or not and in response he grabbed my face and kissed me.
I heard a cough behind me and the Maitre’d smiled and introduced us to our server who handed us a menu and said she would give us a few minutes, then he introduced us to the barman and I nearly fainted. NO this can’t be happening to me, not now, not tonight!
I watched as Chris came into the room and when he caught my shocked eyes he smirked slightly. I knew I would be unable to sit and enjoy my anniversary meal with him standing over us and listening to our conversation. I looked at Dylan pleading at him with my eyes to understand and ask us to leave but he just kept beaming at me in appreciation and I couldn’t hurt him not tonight, I would just have to man up.
Chris poured us both beers, we were offered champagne on the house but I had already taken advantage of Richie enough and we both preferred beer anyway. We sat down and picked up our menus and Dylan made small talk as we discussed what we wanted to eat, I tried to keep things as normal as possible but I could feel his eyes on the back of my head.
When our server came back I let out the breath I had been holding so that he couldn’t hear it over the commotion. We gave her the orders and she smiled and left the room again, how could this have gone so wrong? I just wanted this to be perfect and I knew that Dylan could tell there was something wrong with me but he didn’t want to ask in front of Chris.
When we had finished our second drink, Dylan got up kissed me on the forehead and excused himself so that he could go to the toilet. I panicked as I didn’t want to be left alone with him but I couldn’t very well join him.
“I thought he would never leave.” Chris smiled softly. “How are you Ben?”
“Why are you here?” I asked not looking at him.
“Ouch!” He chuckled. “I got a job here when the bar closed down. Didn’t think you would move on so fast I missed you.”
“What?!” I snapped. “Fast? It has been three years! You left me with no explanation at all and now you stand there when I am on my anniversary dinner and tell me that you missed me?”
I was angry with myself, I could feel my tears welling up. After all of my hard work, one brief conversation with him had ruined it all and I was a broken man again. I quickly wiped them away in case Dylan came back and saw me like this.
“I am sorry Ben I didn’t mean to hurt you so bad, but I want you back will you take me back?” He asked.
“What?” I croaked.
“I missed you so much and I want you to come back to me, you know you love me more than him.” He said gesturing to Dylan’s seat. “You came here to make me jealous didn’t you, why would you do that to someone who loves you?”
“Chris I…” I couldn’t finish I was so shocked.
“You know I would do anything to show you I wouldn’t hurt you again right? So let’s go and we can start over again.” He asked smiling at me.
“Chris…” I tried wiping my eyes.
“Please Ben I missed you.” He said then the door opened and Dylan walked in.
I turned to smile at him and he looked at me confused, I kept smiling and shook my head to let him know that I was ok. He nodded and ordered another two drinks from Chris who growled so only I could hear him and I cringed. Why was he doing this after all of this time, when I have moved on and met someone new, someone who loves me?
The rest of the night went as smoothly as it possibly could given the circumstances and Dylan loved his gift, I heard Chris snort in the corner when he saw the new sheet music I had bought him. Dylan was an extremely talented musician and like I said he prefers personal gifts but maybe I was mistaken and Chris’ reaction was how Dylan actually felt. When we left the restaurant I pulled Dylan close to me as we waited for the taxi to take us back to his, it was cold so I hugged him against me tightly and he wrapped his arms around me.
“You would tell me if you didn’t like the gift wouldn’t you? I mean I would have spent more money but you always seem to prefer the personal touch?” I asked him.
“Ben its perfect thank you.” He kissed me again and I pushed Chris’ attitude away.
“You’re welcome.” I smiled.
***
The next day I kissed Dylan goodbye and he went to work and I left and made my way back to my own flat, when I arrived it was to find Chris sitting on my doorstep. I groaned as I came closer and he spotted me preventing me from running passed him and into the house.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I told you I want you back, I missed you so much.” He said.
“Don’t do this to me Chris I am begging you, I am with Dylan now and I love him.” I pleaded.
“You love him but not as much as you love me and I will fight for that.” He shrugged.
“I can’t do this with you, you need to leave…please.” I begged.
“I can’t Ben I missed you and I want you back.” He said following me into my flat.
I was full on crying now and I was ashamed of myself that I could let him affect me so badly after so long. I moved to the other side of the couch so that he couldn’t touch me, and I stayed quiet waiting for him to get the hint and leave.
“Ben please say something to me.” He asked quietly.
“What would you like me to say Chris, yes I love you are you happy now?!” I cried out. “But I love Dylan and I won’t hurt him.”
“I can find someone to take him off your hands and then it will be like he left you, surely he won’t come in between us when he can see that you love me?” He said.
My head snapped up at that, could Dylan tell? Oh god I hope not, not after a year of trying to put it behind me for him, I hope I wasn’t still letting him down. What did Chris mean get someone to take him off my hands, who the hell did he think he was?! Suddenly I felt like years of having a heart frozen solid just began to beat again and the ice was breaking away in chunks. This person in front of me didn’t want me back, they just wanted to own me!
He didn’t love me, he just wanted to make sure that I was still in his control. After all, the other relationships I had been in had failed so why would he bother with me until now? I am happy and he hates that, he wants me to break, to be miserable. He doesn’t want me but he doesn’t want anyone else to have me either!
“What did I ever do to you Chris?” I asked quietly and he looked confused. “To make you hate me so much that you want me to be alone forever. I mean let’s not pretend any longer that you want me back, you just don’t want me with anyone else do you, why?”
“Your being irrational of course I want you back I missed you.” He said.
“Irrational?! No for the first time since you walked out that very door I am thinking clearer than ever.” I snapped. “I begged you, I sat outside your house for hours, I called you and hounded you for weeks and now that I have finally moved on and met someone who will love me back you say you missed me?!”
“Ben…” He started.
“No! My turn now. How dare you Chris, how dare you come back here and try this. Who do you think you are?!” I raged. “You just want to see me break down again don’t you? You love the fact that you can make me feel this way!”
“BEN…” He tried again but I was on a role.
“Chris I am so glad I finally realised the type of person you are, last night I seriously considered taking you up on your offer but you are sadistic pig! I finally realise that you were just a beautiful mistake and I know you think I am doing this to make you jealous but get over yourself! This is no longer about you, it’s about Dylan. I LOVE HIM!” I snapped. “Now get the hell out!”
He looked at me shocked then silently left my flat, I collapsed to the floor and cried. He would be gone for good and I did that, I still loved him but enough was enough I refuse to think about him for one more moment after today. A sudden realisation hit me, I loved Chris but I was In love with Dylan and I needed him with me.
I quickly ran to the bathroom and splashed my face with icy cold water to hopefully remove some of the evidence of the tears I had let spill. Then I grabbed my coat and left the flat, I jumped in a taxi and made my way to Dylan’s workplace. I ran in and the receptionist smiled at me waving me passed as I already knew the way to his office, when I got there I barged in and didn’t even stop to acknowledge the people sitting around his desk.
He looked at me in confusion as I walked around to his side, then I pulled him up and smashed my lips against his. He hesitated at first probably because of our audience but then he laced his fingers through my hair and kissed me back. Eventually we pulled away in desperate need of air and I rest my forehead against his as he smiled at me, confusion still written on his beautiful face.
“I love you Dylan and I wanted to show you.” I smiled.
“I love you too Ben.” He replied blushing.
“Will you move in with me?” I asked without thought and he gasped as he had been waiting for this.
“Yes.” He nodded tears forming.
I kissed them away and hugged him close, I wasn’t going to let him go for anyone not even Chris. I was so happy that I had finally saw sense before it was too late and now I got to spend the rest of my life with the man that I truly love.
I would no longer be broken.
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Based on the lyrics to Taken by One Direction ;)