My sleep was restless last night. The only thing on my mind was ‘will they accept me?’
I pull myself up and check the comments on Dan’s new videos. At first, I’m thrilled.
“She’s so pretty! Congrats! I’m so happy for you two!” I read the comments aloud to my own satisfaction. They like me! Then everything changes on the next page of comments. “Why are you going out with this troll? She’s just using you Dan! Get rid of her; give us Dan-girls a chance…” I continue. “Nobody wants you around, Y/N! I hope you’re reading this comment, Just kill yourself. Get out the way and stop using Dan for his fame.” I just manage to read the comment out loud before hyperventilating. That comment has 53 thumbs up, and is the top comment. I feel empty inside. Not even the next three pages of positive comments can get me over that one.
It’s about 5 o’clock when I wake back up. My mascara has run down my bed sheets and I look like a wreck. I don’t want to be awake, but the continuous knocking on my door forces me to rise.
“What do you want?” I say in a shaky voice as I open the door.
“Y/N, listen to me.” He says, gripping my face firmly. “I’ve seen what they’ve said. They’re just jealous. They want to be you, they envy you and your beautiful personality. I’m supposed to be shopping for milk, but I’ve got a camera in my bag.” I’m so confused, but accept what he’s saying as Phil strides through my door.
“Don’t make me do this.” He sits beside me on my bed and looks sternly at me.
“Y/N, If they hate you with Dan, they’re going to have to hate you with me.” And thus the next few hours continue with Phil setting me up a youtube account and recording a few videos with me. “You look like a wreck.”
“Phil…please don’t post these videos.”
“Try to stop me.” He says, getting up. I grip his wrist and pull myself up. I lock my arms around his neck, and his wrap around my waist. I brush his hair with my hand as I speak.
“They hate me, Phil. I don’t care what you or even Dan says. I’m starting to hate myself.”
“I’m starting to hate what you’ve become.” His words burn my surface, but don’t even penetrate my weak heart.
“I don’t blame you. They’re right; I should just go back to Y/H/T.”
“Don’t you dare.” Phil yells at me, pulling me even tighter. A few weeks ago, when I first met Phil, this is exactly how things were happening. Re-creating that day, I kiss his cheek and cry into his shoulder. “I’m sorry I was so mean to you, Y/N. It was the only thing I could think of to get your mind straight.” He’s right, my mind is clear now, but not in the way he wanted. There’s only one thing I can do- leave.