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˚₊‧Pic of David's patio‧₊˚
OCTOBER
To my fated beloved...
It's finally October, my birth month.
I didn't tell any of my friends my birthday was around the corner. I don't know if I'm in the mood to celebrate it, and if I was, I'd rather do it with my family.
So far, the only person making life at this school bearable is...
I'm afraid to write his name. I hide these letters well, but I'm no fool. I guess I could describe him in a way that only I can understand.
He is thoughtful. And unbelievably gracious. He has a generous spirit. Some of the words he tells me are worthy of being written as poetry. He's a storyteller. When he smiles, it's for no one else but me.
We aren't officially dating, and I don't know if I can ever ask that of him. Whatever we are, it's still new. And to be honest, it's strange to write these things to you.
Maybe, somewhere in the recesses of my heart, I'm hoping that you're him.
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I was relieved when the weekend arrived. That usually meant that the campus would be empty as students spent the next couple of days at home.
I needed the silence. I needed to be alone.
I'd been feeling nothing short of overwhelmed since the moment I stepped foot in college.
Nash was busy packing his smallest suitcase. I found out from him that Ava was headed home too. Thank God. We'd managed to steer clear of each other for the past week since our blowout.
"You're staying here this weekend?" Nash asked.
I had my face buried in A Frozen Heartbeat. I looked up at him. "Yep."
"Oh. What about Lucas? It's Friday night. I thought he was moving out. I've been trying to talk to him, but... well, he's not interested."
Right. They had a blowout of their own too. Our friend group was a hot mess.
"Actually, he's staying," I informed, sitting up straighter.
"Oh! That's good! He didn't deserve to be kicked out."
"Yeah. Maybe you two can make up. Right?" I raised one eyebrow.
"Not unless you make up with Ava."
My lips tightened. "Doubtful."
"Exactly."
"Hey, before you go..." I set aside the book, but not before marking the page I was on. "When I overheard your fight with Lucas, I might've heard you say that you're afraid you ruined your chance with me."
He paused for a second, giving me his undivided attention. His eyes pierced mine from across the room. "Did I? Ruin it?" The hesitation in his tone was louder than his words.
I sighed, closing my eyes for a brief moment. This was tiring. "You didn't need to. You and I... we never would've worked. And I, um, I like someone else."
He tossed his head back in exasperation. "How do I compete with that, Cas?"
"You can't compete, Nash. I'm sorry."
He stared at the floor, biting his cheek to keep his emotions at bay. I didn't want to break his heart, but he was never truly invested in me to begin with.
"I don't mind us being friends," I continued. "But let's be honest. I don't even know you that well. We were becoming close, and we even promised to have each other's backs. But ever since Trey came back, everything's been so weird between us."
"Yeah, it has. And I'm really starting to regret bringing him here."
I shrugged. "You have a lot to sort out. He's a terrible person, but you obviously still have feelings for him."
He neither confirmed nor denied that part. "You and I were in a good place the day I asked you out."
Yeah, then he had to go and ruin it. But I couldn't even be mad about that anymore. In fact, I was glad it happened. It led me to David. "We were. And I really did like you... then. But again, Trey happened."
"Then you pulled away," he said sadly. "And someone else came in and stole your attention, I'm guessing."
The gloomy look in his eyes grew infectious, and I didn't want to feel depressed right now, so I stared at the cover of my book. "Pretty much," I whispered.
Nash was silent for a few moments before he cleared his throat. "I get it. And I don't blame you. Maybe your new crush can take you out on that candlelight picnic date you've been dreaming of."
With that, he grabbed the handle of his suitcase and his car keys, striding out of the room.
I fell back onto my pillows. I knew he didn't intend that to sound as bitter as it did, but it left a pang in my chest. I held my pillow to my face, wanting to let out all of my frustration. My phone's notification tone blared and I snatched my cell from its charger, unlocking the screen.
Good night, sweetheart. I have a surprise for you tomorrow.
It was a message from David, and I smiled in an instant. There he was, the calm in my storm. I wished I knew how he did it. I returned his good night before sighing to myself. I was tired of today, so I let the exhaustion pull me into a deep slumber.
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"Don't look. Not just yet!" David warned, lips curved up in a silly way. I glanced up at him. "In fact, stay out here for just a second, but you gotta turn around."
Holding my hands in an affectionate grasp, he turned me around on his porch so that my back faced his front door.
"I hate surprises, David," I whined, but he knew I was being playful.
"This will be worth it. I promise." He sealed the promise with a light kiss to my cheek.
There was no way I could resist. "Okay."
"One sec." He walked past me and into his house, leaving me to laugh under my breath. I stood patiently outside, admiring the green grass and the pink-white flowers that blossomed from his trees. There were purple balloon flowers draping over his lawn so tastefully that it made me smile. Before I knew it, he reappeared outside.
"Ready?"
"Whenever you are," I responded, letting all my worries drift away with the soft breeze.
"I do hope you like it," he wished. Gently, he turned me back around and opened his front door. "After you. I must warn you, it's very cheesy."
I stepped inside, and the first thing I noticed (besides Sofie bouncing around my legs) were the white rose petals that made a path leading somewhere I didn't yet know. I giggled. It was marvelous.
"Oh, hi baby girl!" I reached down to pet Sofie as her entire body wagged as hard as her tail.
Then, I noticed something else that made me gasp. "David... You put pictures all over your walls!" My gaze traveled all around the living room, and my feet followed. "Wait, is this part of the surprise?" I asked, wide-eyed.
"Yes, and there's more to come."
A huge grin found its way onto my face, and I approached one of his pictures. They weren't just the fancy paintings I'd seen the first time. These were personal pictures of himself, his family, and friends, all little snapshots of his life.
He came to stand by me. "You were right about me being guarded. I promise I wasn't trying to be secretive, and it's usually not this hard for me to open up. It's just been a while, you know?"
"I know." I slid my fingers through his, and he gave me a tender squeeze.
"All of these have stories behind them. Some of which are hard to share, but I wanna be transparent with you. So, whatever picture you wanna know more about, you can ask."
Damn. He was giving me a lot of power here. "No pressure."
I scanned the wall of pictures, feeling a dangerous spike in curiosity. I laughed, pointing at one. "Is that your baby picture?"
"Yeah, that's me. What do you think? Was I cute?" he chuckled.
"You were so adorable, oh my God! Look at your cheeks." I leaned closer to it. "Hold on... Did they wrap you in silk laced with... real diamonds?" I wondered as I stared into the picture.
"My mom's call. She has expensive taste."
My eyebrows flew up. Wow. If anything, I noticed a common theme with all these pictures. Everyone in them had so-called expensive taste. "I really hope this isn't rude to ask..."
"Ask. I won't be offended."
"Are you guys, like... well-off?" I internally cringed, chiding myself. Obviously, Casper, they were. He literally owned a Maybach, which he kept well-hidden in his garage.
David was true to his word, remaining candid as he answered. "Yes, we are. I could retire today if I wanted."
God. So, yeah, he clearly didn't need that fifteen hundred. He wouldn't even notice it was gone.
"My dad's a pharmacist, so my brother and I are pretty taken care of. Can't say I relate to the silk and diamonds though," I admitted.
"Ha, right. My parents tend to overdo it. That's them, by the way."
He gestured toward more of his pictures and I looked to see a few photos of him with his family. He was young, maybe in his early teenage years. He had a brother who wasn't quite as handsome and a little sister who was the spitting image of their mother. Their father looked stern and uptight, almost a strict menace.
"Being wealthy made life easier, but equally hard. At first, I didn't really feel it, but when I got to college, I was paranoid for a while. I thought people were using me for money or pretending to be my friends."
"Were they?"
"Only a couple, but I made real lifelong friends in college." He smiled at me, using his elbow to give me a gentle nudge. "I hope you make friends for life too."
I sure hoped so. The way things were going, I found that hard to believe.
"You dad seems kinda scary," I observed.
"He can be. Not to me, of course. I'm used to failing to live up to his expectations."
I pouted. "Oh, no. See, now that's a feeling I can relate to."
We laughed, moving closer to each other without realizing it.
"What did he expect from you? You're already so perfect," I complimented. And I meant it with every fiber of my being. David was flawless, inside and out. He was accomplished, compassionate and intelligent. What more could a parent want from their child?
"Well... He would've liked me to marry a woman, for starters."
Oh.
Well, that was off the table. He didn't need to explain any further.
"I see..."
My heart sped up when my eyes landed on a picture I'd seen before. The day Lucas helped me create a social media account, I'd found and snooped through David's page. The oldest post, which had been captioned Prince, was the exact same photo in front of us. It was David holding another man in his arms, both of them beaming into the camera.
David smiled at me quite often, but like that? No. Now that I wasn't peering through a little phone screen, it was easier to see their happiness jumping through the picture. They were glowing with bliss. Inevitably, my eyes fell down to the ring on the other man's finger. Jealousy stretched over me like vines, and I wondered if I should even ask about it.
"I'm guessing you... married a man instead?"
I looked at him just so I could pick apart his reaction. All that registered on his face was sadness.
"Rowan was his name. And no, we never got to marry. The ring on his finger was an engagement ring."
My stomach dropped when he only used past tense. I blinked, turning back to the wall. "You know, maybe we shouldn't... we don't have to talk about it."
"I've had five years to deal with losing him. He passed away when we were thirty, about a year after this picture was taken."
Of all the explanations and scenarios I'd thought of when I saw this post on his social media, this wasn't one of them. What could I say to that? How did anyone get over a loss like that?
David told me just last week that he'd experienced grief two times. If Rowan was one loss, who was the other?
"I don't think I'll ever be able to not feel the pain, but I can love again. I know he'd want that for me."
I gripped his hand a little tighter, and he smiled down at me. Finally, I found my voice. "I'm sorry. You two looked incredibly happy."
I stared at the photo. Could I ever make someone this happy? Could that someone ever be David?
A dull ache constricted my chest as I thought about how much I would like that. I reached up, squeezing my necklace between my fingers, toying with the key that still sat between my collar bones. I'd spent years writing notes and poems to the future love of my life, and for a second, I let myself believe that person was David. Someone that I could call my own, who'd have my back. Who'd love me.
The longer I looked, the more their smiles haunted me. They didn't know their future together would be ripped away.
My eyes darted away, searching for another interesting picture to ask about. I didn't want to dwell on his grief or my pitiful yearning. "Your graduation photo! You look so handsome."
By this point, he had put an arm around me so that we were leaning against each other. "That was for my doctoral degree."
"Of course you have your doctorate," I joked. Of course, being that students addressed him as Dr. Larsen, this wasn't new knowledge, but it was still interesting to me. "So how many years of schooling did you have to do after high school? Like in total?"
"Uh, ten. Bachelor's was four years, master's was two, and doctorate was another four."
I groaned. "That's such a long time. How did you not crawl into a ditch your first year in?"
He chuckled, facing me and pulling me in until we were locked in a warm embrace. "Why? Are you considering it?" Like he couldn't resist me, he brought his lips closer to mine.
With him so near, I couldn't form coherent thoughts. "Mmhm."
"With your career path, you'll have to get used to that. But I think you'll be fine, my dear." He swiped his thumb across my rosy cheek. "May I kiss you?"
How could I ever refuse? I was waiting for it anyway. I wrapped my arms around his neck, inviting him in, and our lips laced together.
"Thanks for sharing with me," I whispered afterward. He gave my nose a soft peck and smiled.
"I'm glad I did."
My blue eyes glistened. There were lots more pictures, but I figured we could look at the rest later. I glanced toward the rose petals sprinkled across the floor. "Where do they lead to?"
"Why don't you find out?" Still holding one of his hands, I followed the path with him, and Sofie tagged along. The trail led to his backyard patio, decorated with candles, romantic twinkling lights he'd strung up, and beautiful gold confetti balloons.
I didn't miss the large HAPPY BIRTHDAY banner he'd neatly tacked up. I gasped as my hands flew to my mouth.
"Oh, wow! You didn't!" I laughed, spinning around to hug him. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love it so much!" I loosened my hug, but I kept my arms around him.
"You're welcome, darling."
We leaned closer to each other and I closed my eyes, letting myself feel the bliss of the moment.
"This is amazing," I appreciated again. The candle flames fluttered as we took a seat on the patio, with the fragrance of the food wafting through my nostrils.
"I even baked a cake from scratch. Totally wife material, aren't I?" David joked.
"Definitely," I agreed. Clearly, anyone who married him would be the luckiest man in the world.
"I know your birthday isn't until tomorrow, which works out perfectly because there's something important I need to talk to you about. And it can't happen on your special day."
I narrowed my eyes. "Okay, now I'm dying to know."
"You'll have to be patient."
I pouted. "Is it another surprise?"
"Yeah, we can call it that. But for now..." He reached into his pocket to pull out his phone. I watched him inquisitively as he tapped away on the screen. Within seconds, a tender song started playing from a quality speaker that I didn't realize was there at first.
"Okay, you were right. This is cheesier than parmesan."
"Look who's got jokes."
We laughed, unable to keep our hands off each other.
"Dance with me," he requested, holding out his palm. He reminded me of royalty in this moment. My very own Prince Charming.
I accepted his hand, and he reined me in.
"You said you didn't go to prom," he said as we swayed to the music. "It's a travesty that no one asked you."
"Hey, I didn't ask anyone either, so it was as much my fault as anyone else's."
"Well, I know the venue may not compare, but consider me your prom date for tonight."
I tilted my head up for a better view of him. The warm lights reflected in his eyes. "Trust me, this is so much better."
I laid my head on his chest as we slow-danced through song after song. To keep things interesting, he'd spin me around every so often, or dip me until all I could see was the twinkling bed of stars above us. This was something out of a fairytale.
But like all fairytales, there was always a crisis.
I wasn't keeping track of time, but by the fifth or sixth song, he let me go to caress the inner corners of his eyes. I was still reeling from our dances, a bright, unsuspecting grin on my face.
"Okay," he said, "I think I need to sit for a bit. I'm clearly not as young as I once was."
I cracked a laugh, rolling my eyes. Look at this joker. "Oh please. You're nowhere near old, David."
He tried to laugh with me, but it just sounded like he was hiding pain. And when he stepped onto the porch to sit down, he slumped in the chair, rubbing his temples.
My laughter died over a few seconds, and my body tensed up. "Hey, you okay?"
I approached him, concern wrapping around me like a constrictor.
"Yeah, just a little dizzy."
He blinked, looking up to send me a reassuring smile.
"Dizzy? How? I was the one being twirled."
My attempt to make light of the situation only worked for a moment. He squinted as if something was blinding him, and his nose crinkled, which told me that this wasn't just some bout of dizziness.
"David, for real, what's wrong?"
"I... I need..." he grunted, his head falling into his hands. "I think it's a migraine attack."
A migraine?
My mind jumped to that moment he rushed to hide his pill bottle weeks ago. Depakote, it had read. My dad did say it was used for migraines.
"You take medicine for it, right? Where is it?"
"It's okay, I'll go grab it." He moved to stand up, but we both knew that was a bad idea. From the way he staggered as he stood, I could only guess that blood rushed to his head.
"Whoa," I cautioned, guiding him back into the chair. "Just stay seated. I'll get it for you."
"I usually keep a bottle in the front pocket of my messenger bag. It's called depakote."
"Okay. Sit tight."
I rushed back into the house and tracked down his messenger bag. Thankfully, it was nearby, propped up on the kitchen bar table.
I dipped my hand into the front of it, fishing out the pill bottle. After confirming the drug name on the label, I filled a cup with water from the fridge's dispenser then took it straight to David.
"Okay, here." I handed him the bottle and the cup, observing like a hawk as he downed a dose. "Did the migraine just start?"
He swallowed, setting the cup down. "No, I've had a dull headache all day, but my head just started pounding all of a sudden."
"Maybe the dancing aggravated it. I'm sorry."
"Hey, no, it's not your fault. One reason I take these pills is to prevent my migraines before they start. They usually do a much better job."
He laid his head against my abdomen, closing his eyes. I stood still next to him, reaching down to brush his hair back. I did that for fifteen minutes, just running my fingers through his hair in a slow, soothing manner, until he started to feel better.
"You're an angel, I swear. Thank you."
"An angel? That's generous. Besides, it's the least I can do."
"No, it means a lot."
I frowned, still stroking his hair. "Do you get migraine attacks often?"
"Um... yes, actually."
Damn. My stomach twisted. "How often? Like once a week? Daily?"
"It's been a little frequent lately." He could probably feel my concern rolling out in waves. "Hey. I'm fine."
"David—"
"I don't want one little incident to ruin our night. Besides, I still wanna have that talk."
I took his change of subject in stride, but I was going to circle back to the migraine topic later.
"Okay. I'm listening."
David rose, finally able to stand up without practically falling over. He wrapped his arms around my waist, drawing me in.
"Well, it's less a talk and more... a question."
"Oh?" My heart pumped a little faster. I had an idea where this might be headed, but there was just no way... Right?
He lifted the back of my hand to his lips, dropping a kiss onto it. "I really like you, Casper. I've been emotionally unavailable for years, giving up on relationships and getting close to people in general. I also remember you saying you gave up on romance too."
I nodded, a little lightheaded. "Y-yeah, I did say that."
"So, we've both been closed off for a while. But you've brought a light in my life that I thought was gone. Lost. And now I'm hopeful again. I want you. I wanna give myself to you, if you'll have me. Let's make this official. Be my boyfriend, Casper. Please."
The color drained from my face as I attempted to center my hazy thoughts. I couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth. It was too good to trust. Everything that had happened between us was too good to be true.
"Uh oh, he's thinking," he teased as I laughed.
"Only that I'm incredibly lucky." I placed my hand over his chest and whispered, "And I'm so glad I met you."
He swallowed, shifting his weight. "But...?"
Was I really going to push away the best thing that had ever happened to me? I had said I was all in, so why was I doubting this yet again?
"I'm kind of a... I don't know, a dreamer. I mean, sometimes I find it hard to be realistic," I began, choosing my words with extra care. "I've read a million books so I'm pretty good at coming up with just as many scenarios and endings."
He nodded, listening intently, which I appreciated.
"What I'm trying to ask is, realistically speaking, where do you see this— us— going? Because in my mind, this is a fantasy. And those never end well." I looked at the dancing candle flames. "I don't mean to put you on the spot—"
"No, you're right to ask, and I understand. It's your first potential relationship, and it's with a man, even while you're figuring out your own sexuality. On top of that, I'm your professor. So yes, it's no surprise that you're questioning this. I can only tell you what my intention is, and it's to be with you. I wanna watch you come out of your shell even more than you have. I wanna see you smile every day. I also really want an inside joke or two. Just between us so we can use it and make people so confused while we laugh until we cry–"
I giggled at that, gazing back at him.
"Which leads me to the next thing I want. For us to be a public couple. I wanna go out, hold hands with you at the park and play with Sofie, or kiss you in a restaurant."
"I'd love that." I blushed. "I don't know if it'll happen any time soon though."
"No, but that's the point. It's gonna take a while. But it's ok because we'll still be together by then and that's what matters." He held my hand again and gave it a squeeze, his voice dropping to an intimate whisper. "But that's only if you say yes."
His ability to turn my concerns into something positive made me treasure him even more. I could really just come to him with my worries, and walk away feeling better. Perks of dating a psychologist? Or just David being David?
"I wanna be your boyfriend," I gave in. What other answer was there, when I felt the way I did for him? "More than anything."
His eyebrows flew sky high. "You're serious? S-so you're saying yes? To us?"
I laughed. "Yes. Of course!"
"Oh, thank God!" He exhaled in relief, and I watched the tension in his body ease as he brought his face to mine. "I'll make you as happy as you deserve to be. I promise."
I believed him. He was already making good on that vow. "I was never gonna say no to you, David."
"Oh? Just making me sweat, hmm?" He squeezed me into a tight hug, peppering my neck with kisses. "My boyfriend's making me sweat," he teased. It sent me into a fit of giggles, and I swore my heart was about to burst from pure joy. My boyfriend.
I had a boyfriend! Someone real and lovely. Someone that existed outside of my favorite novels or my imagination. He was right here, no longer intangible, and he wasn't going anywhere.
"There's more to today's surprise, you know," he said.
"Wow. You're going all out!"
"Of course! I'm committed to making this a day you never forget. Come with me."
Brimming with newfound energy, he led me back into the house. Sofie followed us inside, running to her plush bed to play with her toys.
"Alright. Stay here."
I planted my feet, standing tall. "Got it. Not moving."
I waited for him with a big smile on my face as he went to the kitchen. Few minutes later, he maneuvered his way out, carrying a cute little cake with two birthday candles that read '19.' The cake was baby blue and, considering that he made it himself, well-decorated. A much better job than I could do had I baked it myself. He easily could have bought some extravagant cake, but he had decided to put the work into making all this for me. It said a lot about the kind of man he was and how much he cared about me.
I followed him to the living room where he set the cake on the centerpiece table, right beside a cheesy birthday hat and a wrapped gift.
"This is amazing! You've outdone yourself!"
I sat down on the floor, in front of the cake as he lit the candles. "You're not gonna sing, are you?" I asked, screwing up my face like I'd been hit.
When he saw my visceral reaction, his eyebrows went up. "Uh, now I don't think I will. But you gotta wear your hat."
He picked up the birthday hat and secured it over my head, laughing the whole time.
"So glad this amuses you," I remarked, chuckling to myself as I helped him adjust the hat.
"I have to take a picture of this. Is that okay?"
"Oh, God. Sure."
To be frank, I dreaded having my photo taken. But today was special. I was officially in my first relationship.
Wow, that was going to take some getting used to.
What the hell did people do in relationships anyway? What was my role? I'd think I'd know by now, judging by the amount of books stored in my head. Obviously, there was no woman in this relationship; we were both men. But with these gaps between us, from age to financial stability, it was all a bit daunting.
I took a deep breath. I just needed to take this one day at a time.
Couples took pictures together. That was easy enough. I was going to have to get used to that, starting now.
"Here, hold your cake." He placed the platter in my hands before whipping out his phone. I was pretty shy in front of the camera, but he had more than earned the privilege to capture a memory of me.
Underneath my silly hat, I gave him a timid smile, admiring my cake while he snapped a photo.
"This might make it to my wall," he said, beaming like the happiest man in the world. I shuffled close to him, and we took a few more pictures together. "I'll send these to you. You're so cute."
I felt a rush of warmth course through me. "Thanks, David."
"You're welcome. Make a wish, angel."
My heart squeezed at the endearing nickname. I was his angel!
My eyes fell shut. What did I want most at this moment? Definitely more nights like this.
I wish for happiness. And peace. And love. I want growth, as an individual and as a couple in my new relationship.
I opened my eyes, blowing the candles out. David swiped some frosting with his finger and bopped my nose.
"Oh, I'm gonna get you for that!" I swiped frosting along his cheek, making him laugh.
He picked up the flat, wrapped gift. "Last surprise," he said.
I accepted the neat present, and the wrapping crackled between my fingers. "What could this be?"
I started to open it, but he put a hand over mine. "Don't open it till you get home."
"Okay." Without questioning why, I leaned into him and meshed our lips together. "Thank you. I'll never forget today."
"I won't either." His thumb brushed against my cheek. "I can't wait to give you the world. Just you wait."
I got the feeling that he really could give me the world. But in truth, all I needed was him.
"You're all I want, David. You don't need to spoil me. Really."
"I know. You like me for me. I've seen that."
Good. I didn't want him to ever feel like I was using him.
I must have looked funny with blue frosting still on my nose, but as he kissed me again and again, my mind floated a million miles away.
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My lazy drawing of Casper :)