CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOU
*
Hunter's POV
Have you ever kicked yourself? Over and over again? Because I have. I seem to be doing it every single day, kicking myself for the idiot that I've been lately.
In fact idiot isn't even a good enough word to describe my actions over these past couple of months. I shouldn't be kicking myself I should be shooting myself.
There's this stupid quote that pops up from time to time, and right now it can be used to describe exactly the way my life is..
"You don't know a good thing until you've lost it."
Now you can understand why I'm kicking myself.
But how did I come to realise this? My angry ulter ego finally fucked off, that's how.
Step 1: was cutting back the drugs. Not from the business but from my body, seriously my minds a lot clearer.
Step 2: was finding the realisation that the only thing in this world that can make me happy is the one thing I let go, and sexual intercourse really highlighted just how fucking happy she makes me.
There's only one problem and that's the fact I don't make her happy, in fact I make her the opposite, I cause her nothing but hurt, time and time again. Tia had forgiven me every god damn time for it, but this time- this time was different. Very different, I went too far and pushed her over the edge. Hell shes probably running for the hills, I think I'd want to get away from me if I had to date me. I was a nightmare. A living breathing nightmare.
Three months ago, I pictured this day..
Christmas Day.
And let me tell you this, it hadn't gone how I envisioned it, I thought I'd have two people here to be merry with, mulled wine and a cigar by the fire with my father and watching my girls face on Christmas morning light up because I've spoilt her rotten with extravagant gifts.
This is how it really went..
My sister spent the morning with her head down the toilet and arguing with her husband because he was hungover again.
Mick broke my mothers favourite vase and as for me well I spilled my glass of champagne over my Christmas dinner and therefore had fucking trifle to settle my hunger.
Disaster was an understatement.
I could only hope that having a few people over tonight would cheer old Scrooge here up, highly doubt it though, because let's be honest three of the people coming do not have me in their good books.
But if I ever hoped for Tia's forgiveness, it would be more than beneficial to get the best friend to forgive me first.
Any minute now they'd be arriving, I sat nervously in my father's office, my office now as I waited. Maybe a little Dutch courage would settle me a little, I dug around in cabinets and came up with nothing, I find it hard to believe my dad had no alcohol stashed away in here.
My prediction proved correct as in the last place I looked, in his bottom drawer of his desk there was half a bottle of jack Daniels.
Like father like son.
I also pulled out the two glasses that were hidden at the back of the drawer, pouring one for me and well the other one is just habit. Although I know he's not going to drink it, I mean how could he? He's dead. But he's here, he's definitely here.
Probably laughing at me, telling me to fix my life and take care of his business before I run it into the ground. The lamp beside me flickered, now it was my turn to laugh at him.
I raised my own glass in the air, "all the things you could of done and you decide to haunt me with a flicker of lights?"
"Hunter." I jumped in my seat and nearly had a panic attack when the door to the office opened, luckily it wasn't my dead fathers ghost it was Jarred.
"Shit you scared me." I placed a hand on my chest.
"Mate you look like you've seen a ghost." Jarred laughed. I thought I was about to, "are you coming down?"
"Yeah give me a few minutes to clean up, then I'll be down."
Jarred nodded understandingly. "You're good though yeah?"
"I'm good," I confirmed, "what you waiting for go and get us some drinks." He didn't need to be told twice. I'm glad Jarred knew me as well as he did, he was like an brother to me and I'd been really shitty with him lately, and I owed him massively, I also know he's been watching out for Tia too. Something I should of been doing instead of partying every night and taking as many drugs as I could get my hands on.
But that was then and this is now, as soon as Jarred was out of sight, I cleaned up my mess, placing everything but my fathers glass back into the drawer, it was then that I noticed the drawer above was slightly ajar, how hadn't I noticed this earlier, I pulled open the drawer to get a clearer glance at the small white paper with my name printed on it.
I decided against opening it. Instead I closed the door and headed out of the office stuffing into my back pocket, this wasn't the time or the place. Christmas had been shitty enough without me having to read something from my father.
I underestimated how my appearance tonight would go down, as I entered the kitchen and faced the glare of the best friend who started shooting daggers at me the second she spotted me, if looks could kill I'd be ten feet under ground.
"Thanks mate," I gladly accepted the drink Jarred handed me, I was gonna need a fair few of these before I plucked up the courage to strike a conversation with Lydia.
"Good Christmas?" Kyle asked, joining myself and Jarred by the fridge, I was grateful my sister was busy talking to Lydia and distracting her, it bought me more time.
"Same old," I shrugged, "did you get my email?"
Kyle shook his head, indicating no before pulling out his phone and checking his emails. I rolled my eyes, hopeless he is.
"Apartments?" He snorted.
Jarred smirked beside me, and shook his head. "Yeah." I deadpanned, "unless you actually intend to live with Tia permanently?" Of course he has to move out.
"It's temporary mate don't worry."
"You do realise she's not your girlfriend anymore right?"
"Yes Jarred, thanks for the reminder," I ground out.
"Don't worry mate I've been keeping a close eye on them, they haven't got past first base... yet."
"You better not have even looked at her in that way." My plea to be a lot nicer to the people Tia cares about was not quite going to plan.
"Chill the fuck out, he's winding you up. You know I'd never think of her in that way, it's pretty obvious she's your girl Hunter, anyway she's not my type. We're friends nothing more." Kyle told me, he did seem pretty honest still I didn't want him living with her, it just isn't appropriate.
"Of course she's not his type, because she's not my wife." A new voice added joining us, the stench of weed pouring from him.
"Don't start." I warned him. I could do without breaking up a fight between Sam and Kyle, especially on Christmas Day.
"It's a joke calm down, we're all friends here," my sister was glaring at her husband, his newfound smoking/drinking problem was definitely an issue.
"Sort yourself out." I pulled him to one side, "I thought you agreed to stay sober today?"
Sam shrugged before storming out the back door and lighting up a joint. "That was before I realised I'd have to spend my Christmas in the presence of that prick."
"Are you seriously that convinced he's gonna steal my sister from you?" I'd rather him steal her than Tia though let's be honest.
"He's got no chance." Sam snorted taking another puff and handing it over, I declined I was done with smoking that shit, fucks with my head big time.
"Yeah?" I asked, "because you're making her so happy, shit faced every night, the paranoia from smoking that crap and the general laziness, bet she can't wait to welcome your unborn child."
"Don't!" He warned. "A baby wasn't part of the plan, we never agreed to have a child. So don't get shitty with me if I need time to process it and figure out what the hell I'm gonna do."
I slammed him against the wall without any hesitation, "figure out what you're gonna do?" I shook my head in utter disbelief, "what you're gonna do is be a fucking man and step up to the plate, you forget that's my sister. So if you're not ready then leave now. Save her the heartbreak later down the line."
"You're so fucking judgemental," he shoved my hands off him, "it wasn't so long ago you were more than willing to party every night Hunter so don't you forget that!"
"Difference is I haven't got a kid on the way," I seethed, "you think I don't know about you coming home with lipstick all over your shirt, this is supposed to the happiest time of my sisters life, yet she's fucking miserable and that's because of you. I mean it sort it out, else I'll turf you out on your arse and I'll make sure you have nothing."
"I said I'll fix it didn't I?" He responded. "Can all of you get off my back!"
"Yeah when we start seeing some improvement." That was the last thing I said to him before ripping the joint from his fingers and throwing it to the ground.
When I reentered the kitchen, my first priority was pouring myself a drink, I could feel my sisters eyes on me, silently asking me what the hell all that was about, I decided to ignore her. I was done trying to fix their relationship, I had my own issues to fix, without playing fucking Oprah.
So instead I sat down at the table with everyone else and joined in the conversation. Of course they'd be talking about Tia, well the gift that Tia apparently bought Lydia, that she was showing off to my sister.
"Have you heard from her?"
"Yes thanks." Lydia replied bluntly.
"How is she?" My sister asked, I silently thanked her, Lydia might not tell me anything but I'm sure she wouldn't be that blunt with Abi.
"Yeah she's fine, she's enjoying spending time with her family." That's all she said. I was hoping for her to elaborate further, but the topic soon changed and they were talking about different skin products. I rolled my eyes girls.
"Did she have a nice Christmas?" I found myself asking, although I regretted it straight after, I was positive she was going to tell me to mind my own business.
"The best." She smiled, but everything about it screamed fake. I hope it wasn't I hope Tia was genuinely having an amazing Christmas. I wanted to hear all about it, what she ate, what santa bought her, how she spent her entire day.
"Do you know when she will be coming back?" I was really pushing my luck now.
"I do." She replied crossing her arms across her chest, I waited for her to tell me when that day would be but she never did. "Why don't you ask her that yourself?"
"I-I don't have her new number," I hated admitting that. How ridiculous is it that I can't even send her a text wishing her a happy Christmas.
"Oh come on Hunter, you could of easily gotten your hands on it," she snorted, she's right I could of easily got Tia's new phone number. But I decided against it.
"She changed her number for a reason, probably because she didn't want me to contact her, which I don't blame her for, so I didn't want to invade her privacy by getting her number through someone else that isn't her."
Lydia observed me for a minute, "I'm shocked, that's quite respectable."
"I'm trying." I admitted.
"Not hard enough though."
"I know," I agreed.
"So what do you intend to do about that? Or will you go back to hibernating in your bedroom?" Ouch, guess I deserved that. I always knew Lydia would be the toughest cookie to crack. By this point everyone else in the room was silent as they watched on at our exchange, nosey bastards.
"Can we talk somewhere a little more privately?" She looked a little hesitant but after a couple of moments she stood up, I led the way out of the kitchen Jarred pulled me over to him.
"Her barks worse than her bite don't worry." I nodded, but somehow couldn't imagine that statement to be true.
We walked in silence up the stairs, as I led the way to my father's office and offered her to take a seat in one of the chairs, I took the one directly opposite her and took a deep breath, this was probably going to be the most awkward conversation I've ever had in my entire life.
"What's with the random glass of whiskey on the desk?" She asked curiously.
I quickly snatched it from the desk and placed it away out of sight by the window.
"For your dad?"
"Yeah, I know it's stupid." Not like he could drink it.
"No I get it." She stated simply.
"We should probably talk about the elephant in the room."
"We should. I don't think referring to my best friend as an elephant though is going to get you back in her good books though Hunter."
"Do you think there's a chance I could get back in her good books?" I asked rather hesitantly.
Lydia shrugged. "That's on you Hunter, I don't know the answer to that question. I can tell you what I do know though, you fucked up and all I've wanted to do since the minute you broke her heart and stamped all over it, is smash your head against a wall and give you a serious case of concussion."
She paused.
"But I haven't. You want to know why? Because this conversation between us seems to happen all the damn time, only normally I'm screaming and shouting at you, but nothing gets through to you, every time you fuck up she deals with the consequences, every little mood swing or tantrum she gets the fall for it. It's not fair, you either make it work or you let her go, I mean it for good. You can't keep putting her through this, I don't even think you realise the extent of damage you've caused." I looked down feeling ashamed.
"Believe me I do."
"No Hunter you do not. You took everything from her, that bubbly, sarcastic girl I've always known is now a moody cow who walks round with a face like a smacked arse. She's confused, she has no clue where her life is going, she quit university because you wanted her too so that she could take care of your club. A job you pushed on her, to then kick her out so carelessly with no explanation. She's hears nothing from you for months, to then bump into you in a club and the best thing you have for her is a quick shag." I was a total douche and I definitely don't deserve her. It's no wonder her best friend is grilling me, I deserved every hateful comment she threw my way. But I have to attempt to put things right.
Ok here goes. "Lydia that wasn't my intention, what happened the other night in the club wasn't what I had planned, I wanted to talk. But I won't say I regret it because I don't not even in the slightest, if anything it made me realise. Realise what an idiot I am. I'm not gonna try and give you some sob story about why I did what I did, because I hold my hands up there is nothing that can justify my actions. I only have myself to blame, obviously it didn't help that I was grieving over my father, or that I turned to drink and drugs, I let the grief consume me and I lost sight of what was important and what wasn't, I've done some stupid things in my life Lydia, in fact I've done some terrible things in my life but the one thing I'm sure of is the worst one was breaking her heart and letting her walk out of my life. I can't turn back time, but I can make it right, I will make it right, I'm not gonna stop until she forgives me."
"Are you sure this is what you really want?" She asked, "honestly, I want the truth because if there is any doubt in your mind then you need to leave her be, she doesn't deserve any more hurt."
"I've never been more sure about anything in my whole life I can promise you that."
"Promises mean nothing to me, I wanna see actions." I nodded that was understandable, I had a lot to prove.
"I don't want this life for her." I admitted, I promised myself I'd never reveal this information to anyone, before our relationship ended I knew in my mind that this life wasn't for me, I had to end it sure and tie up any loose ends but then I wanted to take her away and forget about all of this.
"Do you know how my mother died?" I asked, she shook her head indicating no. "They murdered her, just like they murdered my dad. So you understand that I have to finish this, I have to see it through and make sure nobody else gets hurt, but after that I'm done with it all."
"What are you saying?" Her voice was low.
"This does not leave this room, I don't even want you breathing a word of this to Tia or Jarred, do you understand me?"
"Ok."
"My plan all along has always been a clean easy life without the Illegal aspects of the business, and the only way I can have that life is with Tia by my side. I can't do this without her."
"What are you waiting for then?"
You know what she's right, why am I sat here on Christmas Day miserable as fuck when I could be on my path of redemption already, I clearly know in my head what I want...
It's about time I went and got it.