Camila was startled awake out of her sleep. Her heart was pounding against her chest. She was sweating, which was strange because she felt freezing. Camila laid back down, trying to even out her breathing.
It was just a bad dream. She told herself.
Camila let out a shaky breath and picked up her phone. She unlocked the screen, flinching at the brightness. Her lockscreen was a picture of Lauren cuddled up with Sofia. Camila frowned. It seemed like she couldn't get her mind off of the Lauren. Everything was a constant reminder of her.
She slid out of her bunk. It was dark and everyone was sleeping. She didn't want to turn on the lights and wake everyone up, so Camila used the flashlight on her phone.
The small girl made her way to the kitchen to get water. Camila grabbed a glass out of the cabinet with shaky hands. She tried to steady her hands, but before she knew it, the glass slipped out of her hands, shattering against the ground.
"Holy shit!" Camila exclaimed. Her eyes went wide and she felt her heart started racing out of shock.
Camila immediately started to panic, bending down to collect the pieces of glass from the floor. She stood up, sending a rush of dizziness through her. She stumbled backwards, trying to keep her balance but unsuccessfully.
Camila fell backwards and landed on the floor with a thud, thankfully not landing on any of the sharp glass scattered on the floor.
"Camila?" A voice spoke up. The lights flickered on, revealing Lauren, with a panicked expression on her face.
"I'm sorry. I'll c-clean it. I promise." Camila attempted to stand back up, her legs slightly wobbling beneath her.
"Camila, please relax. Don't touch the glass. I will clean it up. I need you to go lay down." Lauren pleaded.
"I need water." Camila struggled to get out. Lauren nodded in response and filled a cup of water for her.
Lauren held the cup to Camila's lips, knowing if the small girl held the cup, it would slip out of her hands.
The green eyed girl reached down to help the small girl to her feet, but Camila pushed her hands away.
"Please. No. Don't t-touch me." Camila pushed herself up to her feet slowly.
"Camz, I'm not going to hurt you." Lauren reassured. She wished Camila would just trust her again.
"No." Camila countered. "Just let me clean this up!"
"Okay." Lauren gave up.
"Okay?" Camila questioned, surprised Lauren caved in that easy. The older girl just nodded in response.
Lauren watched Camila nervously, biting her lip. She didn't want camila to cut herself on the glass accidentally. Or purposely for that matter.
Camila finished cleaning up the glass and threw the pieces in the trash. She let out a breath of air she didn't know she was holding in.
"Can we please talk?" Lauren pleaded.
"No." Camila responded.
Camila tried to calm her nerves down. But it just wasn't working. She couldn't help but feel nervous around Lauren. She couldn't just forgive her overnight.
"Okay." Lauren frowned and walked back to her bunk, knowing that leaving Camila alone was probably the best thing to do at this point.
It's not that the small girl didn't want to forgive Lauren. Because she did want to. But she couldn't help but feel scared around her. And she wished she could just let it go and be back to normal. But nothing was going to change if she had panic attacks every time Lauren came around.
Camila laid on the couch in the main lounge as apposed to laying back down in her bunk. She didn't have the energy to walk the whole way back. Even though it was a short distance, the couches were closer.
She hated the way she felt right now. She felt weak. She felt like she couldn't control herself anymore. Usually, she would ask Lauren to just hold her. And she wished she could be in Lauren's arms without having an anxiety attack.
It's only been a few days since the incident happened. Camila hasn't had much time to figure out her feelings. She's been on stage, in meet and greets, or resting.
Camila gave up on the idea of falling back asleep. She laid down for a while until the dizziness she was feeling subsided. She pushed passed her anxiety and slowly walked over to Lauren's bunk.
"We can talk." Camila let out in a shaky voice.
"If you're not ready, we don't have to." Lauren reassured.
"I'm not ready. But I do have to." Lauren nodded and slid out of her bunk. Camila led them to the back lounge, sliding the door behind them.
"I miss you." Camila admitted.
"Then can't things just go back to normal? Please Camz. I miss you and I'm so sorry." Lauren pleaded.
"No they can't." Hot tears rolled down Camila's face.
"Camila I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." Lauren was crying at this point too. "Camila, I know I've said it a lot. I wasn't in the right mind set. Lucy offered me a drink. I was upset about my grandmother so I just said yeah. I would go back in time and never even have went to Lucy's if I could. I was drunk. Camila I can't stress it enough. I don't know what came over me. I can't remember the last time I held you in my arms. And you're shutting us out. You're shutting everyone out! We don't know when the last time you had a meal was. We don't know anything and it's scaring me. Especially seeing how you were earlier. That is not okay."
Camila met Lauren's eyes. The green eyed girl had tears already running down her face. The tears made her eyes appear even more green then they already were. Her mascara was smudged and she had a bags under her eyes. Lauren looked drained, and Camila could tell the older girl hasn't been herself lately.
"No, never mind. I can't fucking do this." The small girl felt panic rise in her chest and walked out of the back lounge.
She was surprised none of the other girls had woken up. From the glass shattering, to Lauren's crying, Camila was pretty sure they were being loud. But she was praying Dinah would wake up and save her from this situation.
"No. No! Camila please." Lauren begged. "I love you Camz. I don't want to loose you. I need you, okay? I need you more then anything right now."
Camila put her hands over her ears to block out Lauren. She knew it was childish, but she couldn't stand seeing or hearing Lauren in the state she was in. It made her feel guilty.
"Camila. I can't take it anymore. I can't turn back time to fix this. And I fucking hate myself for what I did. I hate my-"
Camila's heart jumped hearing those words leave Lauren's mouth. She turned on her heels and walked back over to the distressed girl.
"Lo, don't say that babygirl." Camila pleaded.
Lauren melted at the nickname. It gave her butterflies but at the same time it gave her anxiety. She wasn't sure if Camila was saying it to make her feel better or if she actually meant to say it.
Camila wiped the tears from Lauren's face. The green eyed girl tried to even out her breathing.
"Don't say that." Camila turned Lauren's head so they were staring into each others eyes. Camila took a deep breath and rested her forehead against Lauren's. "Okay?"
Lauren nodded in response, trying to blink back the tears that were threatening to spill over.
"I don't want to hear you ever say that again Laur. Cause you are perfect. You are beautiful. You have these bright eyes that radiate hope and love. And your smile, holy shit. It just amazes me how you can smile and my whole mood changes. It makes me so happy. And you're skinny. And your hair is absolutely gorgeous. And I could go on forever. You're the epitome of perfection. You're everything I want to be. How could you hate that?" Camila expressed.
"I don't." Lauren stated, lifting Camila's face into a bright smile.
"Good. That's perfect actually." Camila caressed Lauren's cheek with her thumb, making Lauren relax.
"Are w-we okay?" Lauren's voice trembled, making the younger girls heart sink.
"Of course." Camila decided.
"But I want to make sure you're not just saying this. I want you to actually mean it. Because as much as I love you Camz, your happiness comes before me. And if being without me is better for your mental," Lauren paused for a moment. "And p-physical health. Then that's how it has to be." Lauren looked to the floor insecurely.
"No, Lauren. Being without you would crush me. It definitely would not be better. Being with you is my happiness. You are my happiness Lauren Michelle." Camila expressed. Now it was Lauren's turn to break out into a smile.
"Things can't exactly just go straight back to normal right away." Camila ran her hand through her hair.
"I know, but it's okay," Lauren reassured. "Please. I want my Camz back."
"Okay but I just need to sort myself out. Just please don't be mad or yell at me. I just have so much anxiety." Camila rambled, feeling insecure.
"It's all alright. I'll wait for you to be ready. I just needed to know that we will be okay."
"We're okay." Camila confirmed.
She wasn't too sure if she should've forgave Lauren so soon. Camila wasn't exactly sure if she was even ready to forgive her. But she hated seeing Lauren break down. And she had to admit, she was whipped asks would do anything for the older girl.
"let's get some sleep okay?" Lauren suggested.
Camila nodded, agreeing with Lauren. She was really tired and they had a photoshoot later in the day.
"Is it okay if I hug you?" Lauren asked cautiously. She wanted to sure she was doing everything she could to keep Camila comfortable.
"yea." Camila replied hesitantly.
Lauren wrapped her arms around Camila's small frame. She breathed in the familiar scent. She missed Camila's hugs. The small girl was tense.
"Okay." Camila unwrapped herself from the hug frantically, stumbling backwards. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay." The green eyed girl comforted.
Lauren was kind of hurt that Camila was even scared to hug her. But knowing what she did to the younger girl, it was understandable.
"I'm gonna go b-back to my bunk." Camila stated, looking for approval from Lauren.
"Okay." Lauren let out in a soft tone.
Camila seemed like a different person. Her mood went from relaxed to frantic in less then 5 seconds. She was stuttering and shaking again.
Camila laid back down in her small bunk and relaxed. She felt relieved but also nervous at the same time. She wasn't ready to forgive Lauren, that was for sure. But she already did and she couldn't take it back now.
"Stupid Camila." She muttered to herself, letting sleep take over her body.
-
"Wake up Camila. We gotta start getting ready." Normani's voice startled her awake.
"I'm up." Camila groaned.
She wasn't excited for this photoshoot. She hated them more then anything. The modeling part of the industry was the worst part for her. It was the most strict with sizes and measurements. It gave her anxiety. But she had no choice and she understood how important they were.
Camila stood up and stretched. The smell of pancakes hit her. She scrunched up her nose and made her way out to the kitchen.
"Will ran over to McDonald's and got us all pancakes." Ally explained, passing a plate to the smaller girl.
Camila flashed a weak smile and took the plate, taking a seat on the couch.
"Um Camila." Lauren called, she was holding out Camila's phone. The younger girl looked up, confused. "Someone's on the phone for you."
Camila furrowed her eyebrows but took the phone out of Lauren's hand. She pressed her phone to her ear hesitantly.
"Uh, hello?" Camila asked.
"Hey Camila, its Lucy." Now Camila was even more confused.
"Oh, hey." Camila responded in a confused tone.
"I wanted to personally apologize. I know Lauren already did. She told me that she pushed you. If I would've known that she would have gotten physical like that I would have never let a drip of alcohol past her lips," Camila but her lip and sighed. "Also, I'm really sorry that she told me about your eating disorder. She just can't keep her mouth shut. But I know how it can be Mila. I'm a model, I've been in the modeling industry for years. I know the pressure there is to stay small. It's insane. I don't know your whole story. But I know what it feels like and I'm so sorry Camila. I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I'm here for you. No matter what the situation is. I really do think we could be friends." Lucy finished.
"Thank you. Uh, it means a lot. Really," Camila paused for a second to process. "I think we could be friends too."
"No problem, and good."
"I have to go. I have a photoshoot." Camila explained.
"Okay, don't let them get in your head." Lucy advised.
"Bye." Camila ended the phone call, setting her phone on the table in front of her.
She thought it was sweet of Lucy to call. But Camila was also sort of confused. They never really had a conversation before. But she appreciated it.
Camila looked down at the plate in front of her, contemplating on what to do. She didn't want to be shaking while they were taking pictures. She didn't want to look as weak as she was.
Camila cut her pancake into small pieces. She bounced her knee silently. The sight of the food was nauseating her.
Camila looked up for a second and saw all eyes were on her. She hated being treated like some circus freak.
"Never mind then." Camila snapped, putting the plate on the table and taking a seat back on the couch.
"No no, Camila. We're all just looking out for you. Please just eat." Ally pleaded.
"Just eat." Camila mocked. She looked over and saw a sad look on the shorter girls face. "I'm sorry Ally. I didn't mean for it to come out that way. But I can't just eat. If it were that simple then I would."
"But it is that simple." Ally countered.
Camila didn't blame Ally for not understanding. But she was pissed that the older girl was making it seem like she was doing it on purpose. That it was all an act.
"Ally." Dinah warned, pulling her off into a different room.
"I'm sorry." Camila looked to the ground insecurely.
She hated that she was so impulsive sometimes. She had no filter. She said whatever came to her mind. Sometimes, it was good that she was so honest. But others times, Camila hurt people's feelings. And she hated that.
"I didn't mean to just snap. It's the first time in a while I actually convinced myself to eat and she just ruined my mindset." Camila apologized.
"It's alright, love." Lauren comforted, taking a seat next to the small girl.
"And I want you all to know. I'm not doing this for attention! I can't help it. I don't want to be problematic. I hate always being a burden." Camila expressed with a sad expression.
"We know babe. We never thought you were doing this for attention. We know that you can't just eat and it's not that simple." The green eyed girl continued.
Lauren placed her hand on Camila's back in support. The small girl jumped slightly, causing Lauren to quickly pull her hand away.
"I'm trying so hard Lauren. Can anyone fucking see that? I'm trying so hard for you guys. For Sofia and Taylor. And our fans. And it's moments like these where nothing feels worth it anymore." Camila stressed, pulling her knees up on the couch.
Camila wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. Anything she could do to release her emotions. But she held it together.
"But everything is worth it Camila. I promise you, once you're better one day, you will look back at this and realize that. You trying is worth it babe."
"Okay," Camila responded hesitantly, taking the plate of food back from the table.
Lauren smiled proudly at the smaller girl. The green eyed girl was proud Camila no matter what she did. Even if Camila couldn't physically will herself to eat right now, at least she was trying. And that was all Lauren could ask for and more.
Camila took a bite of the pancake, closing her eyes and clenching her fist and drumming her fingers on the table nervously with the other hand.
Lauren knew it was best not to make a big deal out of the fact that the younger girl was eating. It would only make her nervous and give her anxiety. So Lauren sat in silence until the younger girl was finished.
The struggle continued for another 15 minutes, until Lauren saw a tear roll down Camila's cheek. Usually Lauren wouldn't break down or cave in. Camila's cried plenty of times while attempting to eat a meal. But she just couldn't take it this time.
"Okay Camz, you don't have to eat it anymore. You can be done." Lauren caved in impulsively. She didn't think before the words flew out of her mouth.
It took Camila off guard. Lauren was usually a stone wall when it came to Camila and food. But now Lauren was just letting her off the hook.
"N-no. Lauren I need to finish." Camila's voice was trembling. The amount of anxiety she had was obvious.
"You're crying Camz, it hurts me seeing you like this." Lauren admitted. She didn't want the smaller girl to stop eating, she just couldn't bear to watch her struggle.
"I'm sorry." The smaller girl apologized nervously. She picked her fork back up and Lauren immediately turned away. She couldn't watch her struggle anymore.
"Now I'm finished." Camila announced, standing up and emptying the left over food from her plate into the trash.
Lauren was upset that she didn't have much of it. But at the same time it was her fault. She enabled Camila to stop. And it was something she should have never done. Especially seeing her condition this morning.
"Fuck I'm so stupid." Lauren complained, walking towards Dinah.
"Why?" The Polynesian questioned, crossing her arms.
"I told her that she didn't have to eat if she didn't want to, basically." The Latina looked towards the group nervously, fidgeting with her fingers.
"You're right. You're fucking stupid." Dinah let out harshly. She rolled her eyes. "Just because Camila forgave you, doesn't mean that I do. That's Camila that you hurt. You do know that right? She's fragile, she looks like you could literally snap in half. Camila lit-"
"Dinah, I know." Lauren cut the younger girl off.
"Don't cut me off." The taller girl warned, easily becoming pissed. "She broke her arm because she tried to catch her fall when she tripped. You could have seriously hurt her. Not to mention that she smacked her head off the door. Oh, and the bruises you left on her upper arms from the grip you had on her."
"She had bruises?" Lauren questioned, tears springing to her eyes.
"Yes Lauren."
"Shit, I didn't know, I mean, I didn't mean to. I didn't, I don't know." Lauren rambled, trying to process the information.
Lauren knew the situation was bad enough as it is. But knowing the fact that she left marks on her girlfriend made everything worse. Made everything more real. And she hated that.
"Fuck." Lauren covered her mouth and walked back out to Camila.
"Camz, take off your sweatshirt please I want to see your arms." Lauren pleaded. She stood nervously waiting for an answer.
"No, I didn't cu-"
"I know you didn't cut Camila but please." Lauren cut the small girl off. She had a bad habit of not letting people finish their sentences.
Camila agreed hesitantly. She reached down and grabbed the bottom of her sweatshirt, pulling it over her head, leaving her in a tank top. Camila stood insecurely, letting her girlfriend observe her.
The bruises had faded some, but Lauren could still point out the purple and blue marks on her arms.
"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Camz this is not okay." Lauren ran her hand through her hair. She was trying to process what she did.
Lauren already hadn't forgiven herself for hurting Camila. But seeing the marks she left felt like everything went back to square one.
"It's okay Laur." Camila attempted to comfort the older girl, even though she knew it was far from okay.
"Know it's not and you know it!" Lauren raised her voice slightly. Camila started to feel nervous.
"I'm sorry. We can't be okay right now Camila. I know you haven't forgiven me. You're just saying that to make me happy. I need to forgive myself before we can be okay again. And you need to forgive me, for real this time. You shouldn't have to cower in fear every time you see me. Or feel nervous or when I'm around or when I touch you. This should've never happened in the first place. I shouldn't never left for Lucy's." Lauren rambled.
"Okay." Camila agreed. She understood Lauren's point. She knew where the older girl was coming from.
"I love you." Lauren reassured Camila.
"Please don't leave me." Camila's voice cracked and she was blinking back tears again. "We've been together for 4 years almost Lauren."
"I'm not leaving you. We just need a week. To understand what happened and process it okay? I'm not leaving you. This is not a breakup."
"Promise me that you won't leave me?" Camila pleaded, holding out her pinky with shaky hands. Lauren locked their pinkies together and kissed her thumb, sealing the promise.
"Bye." Lauren waved as she stepped off of the tour bus, walking across the street to the studio where the pictures were going to be taken.
Camila sighed, pulling herself back together. She didn't want anyone to see her crying. As often as they did see her cry, she hated it.
"Hey Cammie. We're all going to head over to the studio okay? We'll wait for you to be ready." Normani offered. Camila shook her head.
"I don't want to go. Take the pictures without me." Camila laid down on the couch, pulling her knees to her chest.
"Cmon, you were the one who came up with the whole red theme. We're gonna have a red background, red outfits. Your dress is beautiful. You're beautiful." The dark skinned girl pried. "Plus, this is the album cover. You kinda have to be on it."
"Okay. Okay. I'll walk over with you." Camila grabbed her dress, linked arms with Normani and made her way across the street.
"So I don't mean to pry but, did you and Lauren break up?" Normani questioned.
Camila's heart dropped in her chest. She never wanted to get to a point where somebody had to ask her that. One of her worst fears was losing Lauren.
"No, were just taking a break I guess." Camila chose her words carefully.
She wasn't exactly sure what they were doing. The couple was just taking time to sort things out. Then everything would be back to normal. Right?
"Do you think she'll leave me?" Camila questioned, deep in though.
"Why would she leave you? She's the one who fucked up." Normani bluntly stated.
"Because I'm Camila. And I'm like this." The small girl rasped.
"She's not going to leave you Cam. I can promise that. I can also tell you she's beating herself up over this right now. She's extremely upset with herself for ever putting her hands on you." Normani continued to comfort.
The older girl opened the door of the studio, letting Camila in first. The 2 girls followed voices back to a dressing room. The other 3 girls were already dressed so they took it upon themselves to change as well.
Camila walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. The dress was long, with a slit for her leg and didn't have sleeves. She stripped her clothes off and observed herself in the mirror. She hasn't observed herself in the mirror for quite some time. Because she always knew she would be upset with her appearance. Camila frowned and quickly pulled the dress over her head before she would start having self deprecating thoughts. Camila finished the look off with a small red bow. She forced a smile at herself in the mirror and then left the bathroom.
"Damn, you look hot." Dinah complimented, motioning for the small girl to spin around.
Camila blushed and turned around, giggling slightly.
"No that's all you. Look at you go? Finah Dinah." Camila complimented playfully. Dinah flipped her hair dramatically and smirked.
"I'm pretty too!" Normani interjected, crossing her arms and pouting playfully.
"Anyways, back to me I'm cute." Dinah sassed. The 3 girls exchanged glances and broke out into a fit of laughter.
Lauren and Ally looked over, both confused. They were were standing in the corner, not paying any attention to anything that just happened.
Camila wasn't exactly talking to Ally or Lauren at the moment. So they chose not to hang around Camila. Normani and Dinah were both still mad at Lauren for hurting Camila.
"Okay girls, let's get over here for the pictures." The photographer waved them over.
The girls, having been through this routine plenty of times, already knew what to do. They stood in the positions they were demanded.
"Okay Camila, hun do you have something to cover up the bruises?" The photographer called out 15 minutes later.
Camila mentally slapped herself. She had just been taking photos for quite some time now and it was obvious someone had gripped her arms.
"Delete those pictures please." Lauren pleaded nervously, walking over to the photographer.
"They're good pictures Lauren. We can just photoshop them out." The man argued.
"Camila doesn't need any photoshop done." Lauren was becoming infuriated. She was dumbfounded at the fact that he said he was going to photoshop Camila.
"Yeah, okay fine." The man went through and deleted the pictures, making sure Lauren could see what he was doing. "Happy?"
"Very." Lauren replied. She relaxed and headed over to wear the other girls were.
Dinah was lightly applying concealer on top of the injured area, camila was wincing.
Lauren ran her hand through her hair nervously. People were noticing. If they found out Lauren hurt Camila and leaked the information, Lauren's reputation would be ruined.
-
The photoshoot finally finished a couple hours later. And the girls couldn't have been more happy. Even though posing for pictures didn't seem like it was exhausting, it was. Having to force a smile while being pushed around all day wasn't exactly anyone's favorite thing.
"I don't think I smiled that much in my whole life." Ally complained, rubbing her cheeks.
"You smile that much every day Ally." Lauren countered, putting a smile on the shorter girls face. "See!"
Camila sat back and watched Lauren mess with Ally. Her smile was wide at first, but it slowly faded. Seeing her interact with Ally, even though she knew they were nothing more the friends, broke her heart.
And it's not because Camila didn't want Lauren happy, because that's all she could ever ask for. But the fact that Camila was breaking inside and Lauren seemed just fine without the smaller girl.
Camila leaned against the wall behind her, biting her lip and observing Lauren from a distance. Even though it had only been a few days and they weren't apart from each other, Camila missed Lauren. She missed Lauren's kisses. She missed the way their bodies melted into each other when they hugged. She missed rubbing Lauren's back until she heard Lauren's steady breathing, signaling she was asleep. She missed not having anxiety when Lauren was around her.
The green eyed girl met Camila's gaze for a second. The younger girl looked towards the ground, breaking the eye contact.
Lauren could see the sad expression on Camila's face, even if she was trying to hide it. She sighed and turned around, grabbing her leather jacket. When she turned back around Camila was gone. Lauren heard the large doors of the building slam shut.
"Where is she going?" Lauren questioned nervously, prepared to run after her.
"Relax, she's most likely just going back to the bus." Normani tried.
"Why would she just leave like that?" Lauren began to stress. She was always worrying.
"Because there's no reason to stay. We're all just fucking around in here. We have interviews tomorrow, it's late. She probably wants sleep." Normani continued to relax Lauren.
"Okay." Lauren stated.
The Latina tried to relax herself and have as much fun as she could with 2 people who currently hated her. But after 10 minutes, she was still worrying about Camila. Lauren decided to just go look for the smaller girl. Everyone would leave soon anyways.
Lauren walked outside as the cold December air hit her. She shivered and continued walking. Lauren found the tour bus and entered the code, unlocking the door.
All the lights were off inside. She was using her phone screen to guide her. There was no evidence that Camila had entered the tour bus. Lauren kicked her heels off and walked back towards the bunks.
Camila's curtain for her bunk was hanging open, revealing the small girl on the inside, sleeping. She was still in her red dress, her makeup was still on her face, but she only had one heel on.
Lauren had to cover her mouth to prevent herself from laughing. Only Camila would take one heel off, leaving the other one on and go to sleep.
Lauren carefully unbuckled Camila's heel and slid it off her foot. She pulled a fuzzy blanket over Camila's small frame next.
No matter what happened between Lauren and Camila, Lauren was always going to be there to coddle Camila and make sure she was okay. Some things would never change.
-----------------
I didn't proofread bc it's 4 in the morning and I can't keep my eyes open oops.
So, I was rereading my first couple chapters and I was cringing so hard. I think I might go back and fix them up a little bit. What do you guys think? It won't be anything dramatic, just fixing grammar and adding detail.
Also, please comment a lot on my chapters bc I love comments they make my heart so happy. Even if you haven't commented on this chapter, go back and spam me idc 😂
Anyways, I love you guys so so much. Thank you for 60k views.