Remember to check out the October prompt challenge! This month's prompt is:
It's the month of halloween! There have been many takes on ghost stories: romance, horror, even comedy. Write your own unique ghost story.
Vote! It helps NBR ;)
Commenting time frame (CST): 10/21 ~ 10/30
Moderator: swiftiegirl1010
Comment Topic: Without a protagonist, there is no story. Comment on your first impressions on the main character and how well the author brought out their characterization.
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Author #1: TimothyMarsh
Book Title: Ghost of Newsangtown
Specified Chapter: Explosive Drama
Summary Thus Far in Book: Sixteen year old Louise just found out she is adopted and now is breaking up with her boyfriend over rumours he slept with Cassandra while drunk at a party. She hasn't confronted him yet. Karla is Louise's best friend.
Author's Note: I've read some brilliant writing in the NBR spotlighted chapters so am feeling very honoured to be in the spotlight now. I'm also grateful to be part of such a strong and talented community which is passionate about writing skills. Big thanks to all of those that work so hard to build and maintain NBR.
I've been in writer's groups and am very comfortable with a harsh critique style. I'd much rather be told accurately how bad something is, than have the edges rounded off for my comfort. Compliments only where they're truely earnt please.
Here's some questions I have:
1. Immersion, where you feel like an observer inside the story is very important. What jolted you out or suggestions to bring the reader in deeper?
2. I'm trying to write character driven drama so that all action comes from a realistic emotional place. Did you understand where all of the character's emotions were at and did this realistically drive their behaviour?
3. I know this novel is slower than Wattpad's more typical action packed style and I'm hoping to make it engaging by readers caring about Louise. Did you care about Louise enough to tolerate the slower pace?
Always glad to receive grammar, and other editing comments.
In-line Comment Preference: Not preferred
Genre: Teen Fiction - Thriller
Rating: PG-13 (Novel would be more like M.)
Winning Comment: Hey Timothy! Congrats for your spotlight!
Let's cut to the chase and dive right into it.
Protagonist : As it's chapter 9, I wasn't expecting any character physical description, so this will limit the answer to Louise reactions and feeling. This chapter seems to come right after a crisis in Louise life, and it's obvious that she is distraught. But in this chapter it's the only filter through which we can see her. She reacts physically and pretty violently, so the reader can guess easily what her feelings are. But, except in the dialogue in the end, these feelings are barely expressed during the chapter. I think more inner thoughts or hints of these feelings through Louise's PoV would help reader relate to her.
To quickly talk about the other characters, there is not enough of Karla to say anything about the best friend coming to the rescue. Craig is non-existent and very passive. Cassandra is my favorite character, credible in the bitch part.
But I wanted to talk quickly about Mr. Antonio. I got that he's a drama teacher and thus, a bit crazy. Some of his speeches are good, with the perfect tone (at the end, when he claps and talks about grades). But, his speeches about Louise at the beginning are very awkward. I don't know if it was intended, but his comment on Louise's lovelife, how he invades her privacy and his remark about Casandra being a popular girl were quite inappropriate and felt very weird to me.
About immersion, I must admit I don't relate much to 16 years old kids and to their drama, but the dialogues between them and the behaviours are credible. But the whole part from "Louise jumped up" to "in the silent room" really kicked me out. You talked about body language so I have to say that this part here felt over dramatic to me, unrealistic even. Maybe it will sound harsh, but I think that, with this part, you kill the tension you were building so far. I felt like I was being described a tragi-comedy silent movie, where gestures are exaggerated to make sure the audience understands. Furthermore, as it's Louise's PoV, you should add more of her feelings in there to "show", instead of "telling" through physical descriptions.
About telling, by the way, two more sentences felt too distant from Louise PoV and more like the narator/author description:
"a girl Louise had gotten on well with in the first year of high school" is precision she has no reason to give in the context.
"Her eyes looked red and sore, skin pale, face held in strange tension.": this physical description can't be Louise's, it's clearly a distant PoV.
Louise's behavior is easy to understand. She's been cheated on, betrayed, so she's devastated, lost and angry. Craig... I still have nothing to say about him. It's obvious Josh feels guilty but the short dialogue isn't really revealing about his deep feeling and his idea of making things right is quite clumsy. I'm not sure if it's because he's just clueless or because he doesn't really care. As for Cassandra, she try to apologize in the most bitchy, selfish and autocentered way possible. I'm a big fan!
My comment about pace will be short. I found it just fine. Maybe my opinion would have been different If I had read the previous chapters bt I didn't find it too quick nor boring. I'll have a remark about the capter construction. The two parts (the class and the confrontation with Josh) are unbalanced. I would have prefered a shorter chapter ending with Louise leaving the room. This would have been punchier than the way you end your chapter now. The second part (that, in my opinion should have been more separated from the first, maybe just with some extra space), felt more like an introduction to a new chapter.
Now that I answer to the question (hopefully in a somehow helpful way), let's talk about grammar, sytax and all. As you didn't wish in-text comments, I won't list everything but I'll try to be as thourough as possible.
First, you have a writing habit: you use "then" way too much (almost twenty times in this chapter). I think that you should vary and use synonyms and periphrases. Sometimes, using "and" is perfectly acceptable.
The other overused word is "group": if I counted right, you're using it eighteen times in this chapter. It felt very repetive in some paragraphs and even if it will be harder to find synonyms, it's something I think your really should fix.
"Louise" is also used a lot. As it's the PoV character, it's not surprising, but I still think it could be turned ito "she" more often.
About dialogues, I have several remarks. First, even if there are several schools on that, I think you should cut to a new paragraph when the subject changes. Example:
« "[...] So let's get to it." He looked around the room until he noticed Louise and Craig. "So who's going to be Louise's friend today?"
There was an uncomfortable pause where Louise couldn't find the courage to look at a single face.
"Surely some young gentleman would love to be with such a pretty girl." »
It may be a personal opinion too, but I thing that dialogue tags (like "say", "comment", "answer", continue", etc...) placed after or inside a the speeches would flow better. Like:
"So we have finished vocal expression," Mr Antonio continued. "To take a completely new tangent [...]"
Finaly, when the speech is introduce by a sentence and not by a tag, I think you should replace the comma by a period:
Cassandra threw up her hand. "Mr Antonio, can I be in Craig's group?"
From here, I'll just list other things I spotted while reading:
"it was clear to Louise that it was a prac day" : passive voice that could be easily turned into an active one. Someting like "Louise knew that..."
"Craig who often ended up in Louise's group, was alone, facing towards the windows. His head was down, as if no one could tell he was playing with his phone":
"towards" seems unnecessary in the first sentence.
in the second one, « as if » induce that he tries to hide it somehow. However having his head down is only descriptive and don't express anything like that. The sentence could be "His head was down, as he was playing with his phone" without raising any eyebrow. I think that if you want to keep the second part of the sentence, the first should be changed (maybe including a "pretending" somewhere).
"There had once been speculation if there was a link between his character pose and the lesson, but none was ever made.":
I'm not sure about « if » here. I think that "about whether" would be more correct.
« none was ever made » feels like it refers to speculation rather than to link, giving the feeling of a contradictory sentence. What about something like "no one ever found out"?
Inconsistency: in the sentence "The noise in the room grew louder as they all sat on the floor in their groups, discussing the task.", the task in question was never really defined by Mr. Antonio.
"Louise picked at her finger nail": as the finger is not specified, I think you should use "nails", plural.
Suggestion : "then well you weren't with him". I would have add an ellipsis here to emphasize what follows. You also can italize the last "with".
"Louise jumped up, [...]. Cassandra jumped up [...]": "jumped up" repetition
Typo: "defense*"
You're using the phrasing "Karla's voice" twice in three paragraphs.
"Even your hair's been crying": I honestly have no idea what that is supposed to mean.
And I'm done! I hope I wasn't too harsh. It's only my opinion that I expressed, but I hope you'll find a use to some of my comments.
Enjoy the rest of your crazy week.
Cheers,
Sam
Network with this winner: SamSchloesing
1st runner up: AhsokaJackson
2nd runner up: theemmpress
Final Author's Note: A huge thank you for more than 33,000words of quality review. You've taught me a great deal and I'm going to be a better writer who's characters express their emotions in a variety of ways, including with their face. And spotlight is the right term as my previous 7 views exploded up to 250.
But mostly I want to thank many of you for the courage you showed in drawing on your personal experiences to shine the light of expertise on the point being explained. It was brave, and extremely helpful. We've been cheated on, and left out. It makes us better writers.I had a really hard time choosing the top three and after starting to list so many more of you as special mentions I realised that each of you brought something of value, a shift in perspective, or even a single brilliant catch. Of all the reviews, the ones I learnt the most from were those that gave examples or explained which rules I'd bent, mangled, or broken. Never again will I worry that offering my suggested wording, or pointing out the rule, might come across wrong. It is where the value lies. Thanks.
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Author #2: leah_tee
Book Title: Release
Specified Chapter: Chapter 2
Summary Thus Far in Book: The year is 2408 and Vancouver is one of a few cities that managed to survive the nuclear holocaust of the Great War centuries before. From necessity, huge advancements in technology and science arose to keep the dwindling population alive and healthy. One of those inventions was 'the Doc Chip', a chip inserted into the neck of every individual with the purpose of boosting one's immune system. For eighteen-year-old Rhea, today is the day she graduates from The Academy and receives her assigned career based on her test results.
Author's Note: Hello! Me again. Excited to be back in the spotlight! I learned a lot last time and have somewhat re-written this chapter to reflect that, although I'm sure there's still more to learn.
a. In this chapter, I am subtly trying to convey that Rhea (and everyone else) is being controlled. Did you get that sense or does it need to be more/less obvious?
b. Did you get a clear image of the dystopian world I've created?
c. Finally, this is an old story I started a while back and put it aside because I didn't know where I was going with it. Now I want to know, is the idea worth picking up again?
In-line Comment Preference: Not preferred
Genre: Dystopian/YA
Rating: PG
Winning Comment: Hello, congratulations on getting back in the spotlight! Although I wasn't here when you first spotlighted, but I bet it's going to be a lot better. Oh and before I start, I really like the concept behind this story despite it being quite a popular idea of the future. But maybe that's it. We can't be certain with what will happen in the future and having a chip inside of a human is a possibility. So yeah, I'm already excited about what your story is going to be like. :)
Okay, so I just read the chapter, and I love it! Your writing is great despite a few typos or missing words(nothing a little editing can't fix). I'll say what I think about the rest as it answers your questions, but overall, I really like what you did to this chapter. :) Oh and I like the cover too. I imagine that's how Rhea feels in this chapter and probably most of the time throughout this chapter too.
Comment topic: I like Rhea already, mainly because she's special. She's different from others. I don't know if the others feel what she felt when everything was happening in the graduation, but those would be my exact thoughts if I were there with Rhea. Well, without the chip of course, because I wouldn't know if I could fire the chip like she did. xD And talking about the fried chip, I'm impressed she can do it with (most probably) just her thoughts/determination. On the other hand, I'm quite worried for her. Don't the people in charge of the chips know something is off and start hunting her down? I mean, the chips are meant to keep people under control and since she broke free from it, they can't control her. She's like a wild card now, a card they need to get control back or destroy.
Hmm...in this chapter I can feel her anxiety, her confusion and nothing else. But this is normal because in this chapter, there's really nothing for her to be excited about since(I guess) she already got to control her emotions a lot earlier before the graduation, maybe even during her history test.
1) Yes, I got that. You were clear with that, but subtle too. You showed enough to make us feel like something is off, but not too much that it practically screams "everyone's under control by the chip!" To be honest, I wouldn't know they were being controlled if you didn't ask this question. All I felt was, why is everyone acting so strange? Why can't Rhea just say what she wants? Why is she doing things "unwillingly" like when she marched out the doors with her classmates. Why is it as if nobody cares that she almost fainted right then and there? And same as Rhea, why is everybody so creepily calm? Now that I know there is something off, I can rest in peace and not think I'm over reacting. xD So yes, you did a great job with this one.
2) Well, I got an image. It's three centuries from now. It's insanely advance, but the government(who whoever is in charge) is controlling its citizen a whole awful lot. Not just normal control, but controlling their every move and might I venture, even their private lives. It's a bit like The Giver, the part where they don't get to express what they truly feel. I know in The Giver they simply do not feel anything because of the injection they get every day, but the feeling in this chapter you wrote, is similar: they don't get to express their own feelings as they wish. And like a lot of dystopian stories, the government is terrified of the past repeating itself that they have to gain control on all its citizens, but in return, another problem arises.
The citizens are like, living in a prison. I mean, imagine a chip controlling your actions and feelings, that's probably worse than being in prison. >.< So erm, yeah, in my opinion, I think the image is clear enough. I mean, you managed to show an entire world in just one chapter, it's something already. :)
with it being set in the future where nobody knows what will happen, so you can basically just weave any story up that you want. But if you still haven't gotten an idea of how to carry on, maybe you can just put it on hold or revert it as draft until you do. This could be an amazing story, so you don't have to delete it just because you don't have the inspiration to carry on now. Plus, your writing style is not boring. It keeps people interested and want to know more about what will happen next. And like I said, this is a story with a lot of possibilities you can play with. So just go ahead with it.
Other things: [P = paragraph, L = line, ( ) = suggested word/sentence replacement/cancellation, (^ ) = suggested word/sentence to add]
• P7: I think you missed out a "to" in L3, "I am so not going (to) miss seeing that painting every single day."
• P9: Instead of using two dashes(--) here, maybe you can use an em dash(—)? In case you didn't know how to type an em dash, it's alt + 0151. The same goes to all the other double dashes you used throughout the chapter, you can replace them with an em dash instead.
• P27: I'm not sure if this works with you or not, but I think at L3, if you replace the full stop with an exclamation mark, it'll show her being more anxious about what Ali just said to her. "Stop it! You know dating is pointless. For all f us." It's just a suggestion, so you don't have to change it if you don't think it'll work. >.<
• P28: Wow, despite the advancement in technology, they don't have a music player? Like, as in they never have music all these years? Or is it just that they don't have a CD player but do have other forms of music player? Sorry, I'm just really curious if there are music in this world, I couldn't live without it. xD
• P31: L5, I think there is a grammar mistake here. It should either be "Your final test results (had) just (ran) through our analysis computer and I have them here." or "You final test results were just (being) run through our analysis computer and I have them here." but yeah, if I'm wrong, do correct me.
• P45: Last line, I think you can remove the "to" before the word "burst", "...threatening to make my brain burst." would be sufficient.
• Last paragraph: Last line, I think you mean "I didn't (know) what was going on with me today..."
And that's it. I hope something in here can help you and if I made any mistakes, do correct me so I can learn as well. Good luck on your writing journey! :)
Network with this winner: Hayleyautumns
1st runner up: Mamoritai
2nd runner up: Ashanina
Final Author's Note: Well, thank you all! This round went remarkably better than my first. It was also far more helpful. Especially since I think the winning comment might have just helped me out of my writer's block for this story (Huzzah!)
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Author #3: Eye-Spy
Book Title: Caught
Specified Chapter: Chapter 1- World War II and my Mother
Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A
Author's Note: As the #relatable dads say, 'yo yo yo'. I'm incredibly excited to be in the Spotlight for the first time, and by incredibly excited, I mean ready to be torn to shreds. Seriously, be merciless. I'm getting tired of insulting myself alone.
A quick thank you to all the wonderful people who keep this wonderful thing alive, and another thank you to all you wonderful readers.
My questions:
1. Am I being too obvious in the things I want to convey? The mom is mean and the protagonist is bitter, but am I stating these types of messages too conspicuously?
2. This book is meant to be humorous, but I don't want it to come across as a joke. Do you find the balance of serious dialogue/inner thinking vs. stupid one-liners to be effective?
3. I feel like as far as first chapters go, mine is boring and unoriginal. Did it hook your interest, and do you care enough to read on?
In-line Comment Preference: Welcome
Genre: Mystery/Humor
Rating: PG-13
Winning Comment: #NBR
Author: @Eye-Spy
Comment Topic: Without a protagonist, there is no story. Comment on your first impression of the main character and how well the author brought out their characterization.
Ha, well we certainly see Ali's personality and characteristics here: Witty, sarcastic, not fond of her brother, disorganized, and while her mom may be a pain, she doesn't seem like the easiest type to get along woth, either; she seems like the type who is stubborn until she simply cannot afford not to be—like when she told her mother what she wanted to hear just to get her out of the way.
Author's Questions:
Hello there, Eye-Spy! I hope you're doing well today. Now, let's go on with the first question:
1. Am I being too obvious in the things I want to convey? The mom is mean and the protagonist is bitter, but am I stating these types of messages too conspicuously?
I don't know that it's too obvious per se—especially since it's mixed in with all the jokes and humor. But there is a bigger issue I see with it, which ties into your third question. I'm thinking maybe these elements really need to be reconsidered. Elaboration below, in answer to Question Three.
2. This book is meant to be humorous, but I don't want it to come across as a joke. Do you find the balance of serious dialogue/inner thinking versus stupid one-liners to be effective?
I think it works quite well. Despite all the jokes, it's pretty clear how stressful and unpleasant things actually are for our protagonist. My one big caveat is that, as much as I enjoyed the humor—I found her hilarious!—I do wonder if you over-use it some. A constant stream of jokes and witty remarks might seem unrealistic and also water down the effect; when she's making jokes every other sentence, I think it'll become less impactful, and possibly fatigue the readers over time.
I had a moment like that with a character that I love; she tends to make snarky remarks, and even has a nickname because of it. However, I recall one particular time when I got annoyed because she made a sarcastic remark in a place where it really wasn't called for, and I was thinking, "Geez! You guys (the writers) don't have to give her some smart-aleck response for every little thing!"
3. I feel like as far as first chapters go, mine is boring and unoriginal. Did it hook your interest, and do you care enough to read on?
It was actually really entertaining and enjoyable for me. I found it very funny and the writing style made it feel fast-paced and a breeze to get through.
However, I do see your issue with the originality thing. In particular, the dynamic with the mother. Perhaps part of the problem here is that we have another wicked stepmom (except she's the real mom this time, heh...) who favors one child over the other. Those kinds of parental angst stories seem pretty popular, probably because it ties in to the pretty darn universal concepts like having familial difficulties, in particular having trouble getting along with your mother or father, and also feeling that a sibling is favored over yourself and perhaps over other siblings as well.
But at the same time, maybe you could find a way to change that concept. Of course, how to do so would be the big question. Trends go in these cycles. You have the all-evil villain, and then you have writers—whether in books or other media—surprise you by making them sympathetic and even redeemable—and when that is no longer a surprise, they instead start surprising you by depriving you of that epiphany and turnaround you've come to expect; the villain is just plain evil and there's no redemption, except perhaps for faked redemption. And then when that gets old we again go back to having them truly turn for the better and NOT stab you in the back.
So I think your key is that instead of just going back and forth between the two main courses, you somehow figure out another direction to go in. Now, just from your writing style so far, I do feel you could still potentially write a rather entertaining story with either one of the two obvious paths—Truly Mean Mom, or Mom Who's Not Truly Mean After All. But since you're already dissatisfied with it yourself, this is probably a signal for you to somehow find a third course (possibly just an unusual or unique balance between those two main paths) that won't be easily predicted by your readers.
Note from spotlight author: The winning comment was much longer than this, since they also included about 6 comments worth of technical notes, referring to grammar, punctuation and sentence structure.
Network with this winner: AhsokaJackson
1st runner up: GirlsCanRockToo
2nd runner up: Raphoenix23
Final Author's Note: Why I chose them: I found AhsokaJackson's comment to be insurmountably helpful. Every question I had regarding my chapter was answered thoughtfully and fully, and I could tell that a large amount of work was put into organizing the suggestions. Not only did they point out the issues of the chapter and give advice on how I could improve them, but they did so while still maintaining an encouraging tone and telling me the aspects of the chapter they enjoyed. Not only that, but I feel as though they addressed many larger, big-picture short-comings that I have within my story, which to me is going above and beyond the criteria for commenting. All of the technical tips they gave on how to fix sentence structure, grammar and punctuation were just icing on the cake!
As a writer, it's always awkward when you find yourself unable to put something into words, but I can honestly say that I have a difficult time communicating how appreciative I am of all the comments left by the beautiful people here. Every single one of you left amazing suggestions on how I can improve, and believe me when I say that I will be revisiting every single one of them when the editing time comes. I may have only been able to pick 3 winners, but just know that I am so thankful for all the time and effort you've put into helping me achieve my goal.
I hope you all know how talented you are, because after reading your thoughts, it's clear that we all have 1 thing in common: Our passion for creativity. If any of you ever need a wall to bounce ideas off of, let me know, because from this point forward I'm basically indebted to you all.
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