13 years later.
*------ =time skip of like 4 hours unless stated otherwise
Jen and I were on the rocks. We had just gotten off tour and I hadn't been there for her or my daughter. We started fighting. She was a mess, I could see it in her eyes. They bright piercing blue had faded, and it was all because of me. This particular day was far worse than the others. The looked broken, more sad than angry anymore. I was sitting in silence alone out our dining room table and the sound of her entering the room brought me from my daze. She set a bunch of forms in front of me along with a pen and a hand written note note atop of it. She came close to me, whispering in my ear and kissing my cheek.
"I'm sorry."
And with that she left. She left the room. She left the house. She left the city. She left me.
The realization came quickly but the tears didn't come. The ducts have dried out from overuse. My hands were shaking and my breathing wasn't steady. I looked through the papers.
Divore.
Separation.
Custody of the child.
Everything was going through my head so fast and I was left with no one. I read through each document. She was leaving Ava with me. She left full custody to me and didn't want visitation. Her lawyer had everything sorted out. After I signed the documents and mailed them back to the court, that would be it. There was no trial to be held, there was no battle to be fought, she was gone and she wasn't coming back.
Ava was in bed. I don't know how I'm going to explain how someone's mother could just leave to a 5 year old. It was hard enough on me at 18 to see my parents divorce, I can only imagine how hard it would be for her.
Mark.
Mark and I had been separated since 2001. He got married to Skye and a year later I was married to Jennifer. Things got complicated between press and communication and things began to seem like more of a business and job than a dream that I was pursuing. He ended it. We couldn't stand each other anymore and that affected Blink dramatically. We put the band on hiatus in 2004. Since then Mark and 7 have both released albums with separate projects. I listened to his, I doubt he listened to mine. His songs got to me.
I remember the first time I heard "No, It Isn't." I know Mark. He doesn't write things unless there is someone or something that sparked it. It was about me. I know it was about me. Although I guess that's fair as most of the things that I had written were about him.
----
I heard gentle steps coming from the stairs and went out of my seat. Ava was there, rubbing her eyes. She had her flannel UFO pyjamas on with her pink slippers.
"Daddy, I can't sleep." I picked her up and she wrapped her arms around me.
"You wanna go lay in Daddy's bed for the night?"
She nodded.
I went into her room and grabbed her favorite stuffed animal as well as the blanket she's had since she was a baby. I headed into the room that now belonged only to me. Everything belonging to Jen had been taken and the room seemed empty. I pulled the blankets out and set her down, crawling in next to her. I brushed her hand behind her ear and hummed a random tune that had come to mind. She was back asleep soon but there was no chance I'd be there.
Ava's first day of kindergarten was tomorrow and I had to be there for her. Her and I had just made matching vests with patches and spray paint and she decided she was going to wear that. She wanted us to match on the first day. Mine had a giant UFO and some patches of guitars and band logos that I had introduced her to. In black spray paint it said "T. DeLONGE". Ava's was very similar, although a cartoon alien was the main piece on the back of the jacket and her name was at the top. She decided to go with vegan leather jackets. She made the decision to be a vegetarian last year and she's stuck with it ever since. I don't know how a fucked up guy like me ended up with a kid so amazing. I knew I looked terrible. The dark circles under my eyes had gotten worse, my hair was always messy, and I hadn't shaved in about about month. I was gonna wake up early or clean myself up. I couldn't fix my eyes, but I could clean myself up for her. She was the best daughter I could ask for. Explaining why Jen is gone will be Hell, but things will be okay.
I looked down at the little girl next to me and it was only reassuring. Everything was gonna be okay.
Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
--------
I woke up before Ava did. I took the time to clean myself up. I took a shower and shaved, combed my hair for the first time in a while. I made breakfast for Ava and got her backpack ready, filling it with her crayons and a few of her small toys. I put pencils and folders and a notebook in there too, as well as her little drawing book that she took everywhere. I zipped up the plain red bag and set it near the front door.
I headed up the stairs to my room. Ava was still there, sleeping calmly. I sat down on the bed and picked her up. She woke up slowly, rubbing her eyes and wrapping her arms around me.
"Good morning, sweet."
I kissed her forehead and she sat up, stretching with a yawn. She opened her eyes and smiled at me.
"'Morning, Daddy."
"You ready for your first day of school?"
She nodded, getting off the bed and I followed. We went to her room and she took the vest from her closet along with a white Atticus t-shirt and some black jeans from her dresser. I left the room so she could get dressed and I went to mine, grabbing the same things that she had. I put on the shirt and jeans along with some socks before putting on the black vest. She met me out in the hallway and smiled. She had always followed what I did. My little mini-me.
We sat down in the kitchen for breakfast and all I could think about was how I was going to explain divorce to her.
"Are you okay, Dad," she asked, breaking me from my thoughts.
"I don't really know, darling."
"What's wrong," she asked, a confused look on her face.
I sighed, "Your mommy. She. She isn't going to be around anymore," I avoided eye contact as I said it but couldn't resist seeing her reaction. I looked up and she didn't seem phased by it.
"I know," she said simply. "Mommy told me yesterday. I'm okay with that, I never liked her much anyway."
I was shocked. "Why didn't you like her?"
"She didn't make you happy. She always seemed to make you sad or mad and I didn't like that. She was mean."
"I'm sorry, Ava. "
"Don't be."
We finished our food and I put the dishes in the dishwasher. We went to the front door and both slid on black Macbeths. I helped her tie her shoes. She grabbed her backpack and we headed to the car. I helped her get buckled into her booster and we headed to Poway Elementary.
She was excited for her first day. She always liked science and reading and was really happy for those.
"Hey, remember when I told you that you can say bad words like 'shit' and 'fuck' around me but not your mom?"
She nodded.
"Same rules go for school. The schools don't like bad words and if you say them then you'll get in big trouble."
"Okay, I won't," she laughed.
We pulled into the parking lot of the school and I helped her out of the car. She put on her backpack and held my hand as we went through the front boors. The halls were filled with parents and kids and teachers and "Welcome" signs. We went down the kindergarten hallway and went to stand near her classroom. Her teacher, Mrs. Hughes, was going around meeting parents. Ava was smiling the entire time.
"Ava," I heard a little kids voice yell.
"Jack!" She dropped my hand and went over to a little boy that was running towards her. She hugged him briefly and Ava grabbed my hand, pulling me over to them.
"Dad, this is Jack, he was in my preschool class."
I smiled and kneeled down on one knee.
"Nice, to meet you, Jack, you can call me Tom," he shook my hand.
"Nice to meet you, Tom," he smiled.
He's a polite kid. Remind my to give props to Ava about her friend choices later.
A man approached him and put his hand on his shoulder. I looked up and was met with the eyes that I had memorized the look of from years of staring into.
The teacher called the kids into the classroom. I gave Ava a quick hug and kiss on the cheek before she waved me off and followed the others into the classroom.
I stood up and he was still there. His facial hair was grown out and his hair was messy. He had a black long sleeve Atticus shirt on with dark blue shorts. I guess I was gnawing on my lip because I felt the familiar metallic taste in my mouth.
"Can we talk?" His voice cracked and I felt my mouth getting dryer and dryer.
I nodded. We headed out of the school and towards the cars. He rubbed his eyes to keep the tears from spilling.
"Meet my at the tables on the beach," he said, voice still broken.
I nodded, still biting my lip. He sniffled and walked toward his car. I got in mine and made my way to the place we met. I wish we could turn back to those times. Fuck did I miss it. I fucked up. I changed my number and kept everything from him. I was so angry and I don't know even what about. Everything was my fault. Pain killers had been my best friends and this is the first day in monthes that the little white tablets haven't made an appearance.
I pulled into the parking lot and Mark was there a minute after. He pulled his black car next to mine and we headed to the tables. The table where he found me.
"Let's go to the bench."
He nodded and followed me. We took a seat and the floodgates opened. I was a wreck. I watched him raise his hand and put it back down. The only thing that seemed to be able to come out was the repeated statement of "I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry."
I calmed myself down and saw that he was crying too. This was my fault completely. I liked down at his sleeves. It was 78° out, he never wears long sleeves in this weather. I looked up to his eyes and he knew what I had looked at. He bit his lip and I took his arm gently. I looked up at him but he was staring at his shoes. I rolled up his sleeve and the upside down cross scars had been renewed. The wounds were healing and a wave of guilt came crashing into me.
I put my thumb over top of it gently and he winced slightly.
"Am. Am I allowed to hug you?"
He nodded, "Please."
I pulled him in tightly and the sobbing picked up on both ends. He soaked my shirt and I could tell I soaked his. I opened my eyes and saw storm clouds coming in.
"Let's head back to my car. It's gonna rain." He nodded and we stood up from the bench. I bumped his hand every once in a while, testing the waters to see if he was okay with that. He got the message and took my hand. We made it to my car and I opened the door for him, repeating the routine that he had done for me so many years ago.
"I fucked up, Mark. I made so many mistakes in the past few years and I have no right to be angry at you. I picked up the pills again and fuck." I paused. "Jen left. She couldn't handle me anymore. Ava is the only one I have left. And I understand if you just wanna never talk to me again. You did everything for me and I fucked you over so bad. I understand if you wanna kick me out of Blink permanently or never wanna go back to that being a band. I see you happy with Skye and I get jealous, I shouldn't be acting this way."
"Skye left."
I looked over at him, shocked.
"She couldn't handle me anymore. She left jack with me because she knew if you looked at him she'd only be reminded of me. Jack took it hard but he's doing okay. I shouldn't have been with Skye in the first place. You saw the evidence of the other mistake I had made. You fucked up. But I forgive you. I can't go on with all of this hating you shit because fuck, no matter how bad I get screwed over, I can't hate you. No matter how much I want to."
I pulled him into a hug. My head found its place in the crook of his neck.
"I missed you so much."
We pulled away after a while.
"I want to help you, Tommy. I missed you so fucking much. I don't know if I'm ready to jump back in full throttle, but I'm done with not loving you. Please, I love you so much."
I looked knot his pleading eyes. The circles were dark and he had started wearing his glasses again. He put his hand on my face and I couldn't help myself anymore.
I kissed him.
For the first time in 6 fucking years. He tasted differently, nicotine and stale coffee heavy on him. He responded instantly. I felt like a returning addict, but this, this was good for me.
"I love you too," I said as we pulled away.
The storm clouds covered the sky and the rain came down like God had just let himself cry for the first time in years. We leaned the seat back, holding hands and watching through the uncovered sun roof, the clear glass protecting us from the harsh elements. I slid away CD into the player, listening as Descendants played through the quiet speakers.
-----
I woke up a few hours later. I looked over and Mark was still asleep, his hand gripped tightly in mine. His small snores filled the car, the album having concluded a while ago. He looked so much happier when he was asleep. The pained look on his face was gone and the messy hair seemed fit. He looked okay.
He woke up a few minutes later, cracking his neck and back as he stretched. We had to pick up the kids from school in about a half hour. I kissed his cheek as I put my seat back up to where I could see. I turned in the engine and he sat up too, taking my hand back to him again. I drove back to the beach.
"We could set up a play date for a few hours today. You guys can come over for a while if you like."
"Yeah, I'd like that. I'll meet you back up at the school to pick of the kids and then meet you back at your place."
"Sounds good, you can just follow me back."
He nodded and waved. He climbed into his car as I made my way to the school. I can't wait to see how her first day went.
(A/N)
Plz still love me