even if he falls.

i would hate you if i could.

NOTE: next little bit takes place during the in between time. Mark is with Skye and Tom is with Jen. Ava had been born.  Box Car Racer is over. 

and chapter is based on the song "I Would Hate You If I Could" by Turnover. 

I look at the woman that lay next to me in my bed. Her dirty blonde hair stay tied back in a ponytail and her face looking  calm and peaceful, but not something I desired to see. I sat up on the bed in the dark. The curtains were drawn lazily, you could still see through them easily. The shades were open. Rain poured down and thunder stuck, the thin walls of the house unable to mute the booms and cracks. 

I slipped off the mattress quietly, not wanting to wake up Jennifer. I put on a hoodie and slipped on my old sneakers. I looked behind me where she lay, still fast asleep, not noticing that I left. Perfect.

I grabbed my keys off the hanger on the wall. I opened the door, checking behind me once again to make sure I went unnoticed. I took a deep breath before stepping out into the California storm. They say it never rains in San Diego, but thank God there are always exceptions to every rule. 

The rain poured hard, hitting me like rubber bullets as I made my way to the old sedan. I got in quickly, soaking the old seats of the blue car. I headed to the first place the registered in my mind as safe. Fuck the weather. I don't care. This is where I'm going. 

I drove to the near beach in silence, the rain still pouring hard over the metal ceiling of the vehicle. The cold temperatures between the rain and wind causing me to shudder. But fuck it, I needed to go. 

I pulled into the empty parking lot of the lonely beach. The waves crashed against the sand, the tide was high and the wind blew harshly off the water. The moon was barely there and the stars were covered by the giant, dark clouds. 

I got out of the car and the rain hit me again. I went to the wet sand. It stuck on my sneakers like thick mud and pulled me in. Tears began coming from my eyes just due to frustration. I mad my way to the old swinging bench that looked out on the water. I sat on the wet metal, feeling cool through my clothes as I shivered. I put my head on the table and let it all go. 

I cried. I refused to do that in my own home. 

I scratched my bloody thighs and let out the sobs I had been holding back for so long. Lighting struck and the thunder seemed to get louder. I hit my head on the table and felt a warm drip on my forehead. It was different from the rain. 

Blood came down my head and mixed with the rain water. I hugged my legs to my chest as I rocked back and forth. 

This isn't the life I wanted. This isn't the life that should have happened. 

It was all out of spite. I didn't want to fucking marry Jen. I felt disgusting. I wasn't in love with her as she was with me. I didn't want to be seen with her anymore. I wanted out. I couldn't go on like this. Living a giant lie to get back at my first love. He had obviously moved on. Listen to his songs for fucks sake. 

I pulled the bottle out of the pocket of my dirty cargos. I popped a few pills, not bothering to count before swallowing them dry. Soon I felt most of my body go almost numb. I could still move but I couldn't feel. But maybe not feeling is exactly what I needed. 

I sank into the dirty sand. Laying with my head down, tucked into my arms as if the thick sleeves of my hoodie would protect me from the backlash of the world. 

"This was all my fault," I stuttered out through sobs.

I changed my number and dropped all contact. I had the people in my camp do shit I should have done myself. It's my fault Mark and I aren't together anymore. It's my fault Blink split up. And it's my fault I'm here right now, crying my eyes out and thinking about the past. Maybe the press is right. I'm fucking insane.