I rose from the simulation with the metallic taste of blood in my mouth, Eric pressed a button and turned to face me. A grim look twisted his features, I purposefully didn't meet his eyes. When I chose Dauntless, I chose to never live in fear of my father again, though it seemed that was not quite the case.
"Are you okay?" Eric asked.
I felt angry and embarrassed, and the first thing I wanted to do was lash out, but I knew that my anger wasn't rightfully aimed nor would yelling at Eric help me feel better.
I closed my eyes before nodding. "I'm good."
"Go and have that nap you were talking about." Eric glanced at his watch "fear landscapes start at six pm."
Yesterday, every initiate went through one of Lauren's fear landscapes, I had been struck by a train.
I took the less used walkways up to Eric's apartment, initiation day seemed to be a chaotic affair in Dauntless, the Pit was a swell of laughter and noise and bodies which I was glad to avoid. In front of me, two men were balancing on one of the tightropes suspended from the platform above me, playing a game of gladiator, I watched for a moment as they struck and parried blows with their large foam jousts.
I punched in the code and let myself back into the apartment, kicking off my boots at the door. I make a beeline to the large bookcase, it had been crammed with pre-war books that had somehow survived, I hadn't quite worked out how Eric had organised them, but I found the fiction easily enough.
Curling up on the sofa, I thumbed through the worn pages until I found my spot, and settled into read.
.:.
I woke to the book being eased from my hands, Eric folded the corner of the page before moving quietly to set it down on the coffee table, he noticed me watching from my space in the corner and raised an eyebrow.
"You don't look happy." I mumbled.
Normally, Eric looked nothing short of irritated in any interaction, the only time I noticed him act any different was in the apartment, I could hear him humming as he made coffee in the mornings or cooked dinner in the evenings, he didn't seem to mind my company if we read together when he didn't work late.
"Max has decided." He rubbed his eyes and the bridge of his nose like a headache was erupting in his skull. "All of leadership needs to be in the Pit."
Nick.
I slung the blanket over the back of the sofa and slid around to the overflowing shoe rack, I found my boots off to the side. "I'm coming with you."
"Are you sure?" Eric asked, grabbing a jacket from the coat stand. "If he is deemed guilty there's a high chance he will be executed."
"I'll be fine." I reassured him, Eric muttered something under his breath and yanked the door open.
The Pit was full by the time we got there, Eric left immediately to find Max, I spotted my brother's tall frame near the front, it took some time to weave my way through the crowd, but I was small enough to tuck myself in beside him.
"I didn't think you'd be here." Tobias stated, in front of us was a slightly raised platform, I could see Max and Eric, alongside two other leaders that I wasn't sure of the name of.
"I wasn't sure myself."
"Dauntless!" Max bellowed and the loud babble of conversation dies down, many of the Dauntless had been in a festive mood, this was quite the change. "Today we are here to give justice!"
I noticed Nick being lead out, his exposed skin had large patches of deep purple bruising, thread held the areas which had been split together.
Tobias wrapped his arm around my shoulders, I curled into his side a little further.
"Nicholas Franklyn, you have been found guilty of the attempted murder of a fellow member of this faction. According to the laws of Dauntless, this crime is punishable by death."
Eric turned and collected three guns and laid them out in front of Nick, the woman shoved him to his knees by his shoulder, a stern expression had hardened her face.
"You will pick a gun, two out of the three guns have a bullet in the chamber the other one doesn't, if you are lucky enough to choose that gun you will be given a alternate punishment." Max informed him.
Nick picked the gun to his far left, Eric picked up the gun and flipped open the chamber of the revolver.
"Any last words?" Eric growled before pressing the trigger, I looked away as I heard the body hit the stone floor.
My brother's arm tightened around me and steered me to the nearest staircase, blocking my view with his body. I kept my eyes on my boots and trusted his direction. We left the noise behind; it sounded like celebration. Despite what Nick had done, I wasn't quite sure I could celebrate his death. However, I felt relief, and I didn't care how cowardly that made me.
Tobias punched in a complex list of digits and pulled open a door, bright white walls and floor to ceiling windows greet me. The space was sparsely decorated, which made the phrase 'Fear God Alone' all the more prominent. In Abnegation we said grace before every meal, there was no god that blessed us, no salvation in that house. We weren't met by a just god on our day of reckoning, just Marcus.
I took a seat on the squishy, cracked leather sofa. Tobias' bed was unmade off to my right, some things never change, I could see a slice of the bathroom through the cracked open door. A heavy glass was pressed into my hands and I could see the a slight tremble in the water's surface.
"How are you feeling?" Tobias passed me a cookie before taking a seat next to me.
My reply was automatic "fine."
"How are you feeling about the fear landscape?" My brother had the subtle art of changing subjects down to a tee. "People will be getting prepared to watch the Dauntless-borns go through."
The watch on my wrist read ten to five.
"People watch our fears?" Dread weighed down my stomach, what if I had to convince the whole faction I wasn't the very thing they despised? "How can they see them?"
"They don't see your fears, just how you react to them and how long it takes for you to pass through your landscape." He reassured "only the examiners are able to see the fears themselves."
The dread receded a little, and I admitted "I think Marcus is in my landscape."
"Yeah, he is still in mine."
"I thought we were getting away from him when we came here."
"We have, Sasha." Tobias reassured me "He'll never be in Dauntless, he's gone."
I shook my head, he may not be looming over us any more but his presence was still deep inside my head.
.:.
It seemed like the crowd that had gathered in the Pit had moved out onto the roof, I wound my way through the dark clothed mass, following the route which my brother stepped, he was much bigger than I was and easily shoved people aside; I mumbled apologies as I followed in his wake. Out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of one of the screens, Lynk was currently crawling across the floor, I wondered what his fear was.
"Sasha."
I carried on towards the group of transfer initiates, finding a space between Jake and Maddie. A hand gripped mine, I hadn't seen the rankings, but I know Maddie struggled in her simulations, I willed her to pass. Max was talking at us but no one seemed to be paying attention, I couldn't concentrate on his words, it didn't matter how we were judged, it mattered if we passed.
Hayden was called into the room.
Six initiates entered the fear landscape room, their time fluctuated slightly, but most were quicker than the last. Then it was me.
Eric opened the door, and beckoned me to follow, I shot a look at my brother, hoping that this wasn't the last time we would see each other.
"Why is she here?" I hissed quietly as we entered the observation room.
"Stay calm, and focus on what you learnt, okay?" Eric responded, eying the group of Erudite carefully, their leader, Jeanine Matthews seemed to be in deep conversation with Max. "It's going to be fine, Sasha. You are going to be fine."
The orange tinged liquid rocked in the syringe, I forced my eyes to meet Eric's, he nodded encouragingly. Just like the fear simulation, he eased the needle into my neck and pressed down the plunger.
"Be brave, Sasha" he whispered, opening the door for me whilst his hand fell to the small of my back to guide me into the room.
Bodies pressed against me, the crowd was stagnant, I shoved against the person in front with little success, and the people, faceless and nondescript, seemed to tighten further around me. My head swivelled to locate an exit but the beings blocked my view. The heat of the crowd was suffocating and I could feel myself begin to choke on my rapidly increasing breaths, if I didn't calm down now I would surely start to panic.
I closed my eyes and managed my breathing with the techniques I was shown, trying desperately to slow it down. I counted my heart rate and purposefully breathed in through my nose and out my mouth.
When I reopened them, I was alone in one of Dauntless' dark hallways, at first I struggled to figure out where I was though the sound of the chasm was enough to hone my senses.
"Sasha?"
Confused, I turned to find my brother, looking equally bewildered by my presence, he didn't try to close the space and his narrowed eyes showed suspicion. Something was wrong, and Tobias knew it.
I raised an eyebrow "is something wrong?"
"What are you doing here?" I almost flinched at the venom dripping from his words "you don't belong here!"
"But-"
"But." He mimicked cruelly, shaking his head, "I didn't want you to follow me. I never wanted to see you again."
I felt like I was choking again, but this time there was nothing I could do to stop it.
"You're a waste of space, just like Marcus always said." Tobias features twisted into an expression of pure loathing "I left and hoped he'd kill you. A waste of space which doesn't belong anywhere."
Tobias turned on his heel "I wish you never came here, Sasha."
I'm moving after him in an instant, I wanted to scream that I did belong here, I wasn't worthless, I will be Dauntless. I knew I was crying as I struggled to breathe and keep up with him, I could feel it as the freezing air cut against my cheeks.
It didn't matter though, Tobias had disappeared as I rounded the corner to the Chasm. He was gone.
I took a moment to compose myself, wondering what significance the Chasm held in my fear landscape. I had always used it as a place of solitude and peace, the pit in my stomach grew greater, that wouldn't be true tonight.
"Nice to see you again."
Of fucking course.
Nick gave me a jolly wave from the bridge, blood dripped down his face from the bullet hole in his forehead, his smile was friendly but I knew better.
"What? Do you think it hinders my good looks?" Nick stepped forward, he had positioned himself in front of the only exit.
"No, I still think you look very pretty." I scanned the surroundings, my best bet was to go for the bridge. "Even prettier now, I think."
I lurched to the side, I felt bony fingers digging into my flesh and the sickening collision with the cold, wet grating as he tackled me to the floor, I kicked out and punched as Nick struggled to grab at my arms, the moment I felt him haul me off the ground the realisation set in, I would always relive the fall, I was afraid of falling, not of heights, because its always the fall that kills you in the end.
Instead of fighting against the inevitable death, I relaxed.
When he threw me over the edge, I didn't grab the rail.
I was shocked to feel blankets and a mattress beneath me, though I could feel the cold water from my previous fear still lingering on my skin, the room was mine, or at least it had been in Abnegation. I caught the sound of screaming from downstairs and my heart picked up its pace, I was throwing open the door moments later, not caring about how loud my boots were as I rushed across the landing and down the stairs two at a time. I would recognise my mother's voice in a heartbeat.
I found her in the living room. Blood seeped into the floorboards beneath her.
The wound was in her abdomen, they had told me she had been pregnant, she had died giving birth to the baby. The smell of hot blood filled my nostrils and I closed my eyes and took a step back, willing the bile in my stomach to stay where it was.
No. I would not leave her. I would not lose her again.
Instead I turned my head and pressed forward, shrugging off my hoodie as pressing it to the wound, it felt futile, I could feel the sticky liquid coat my hands, I could see crimson when I closed my eyes.
Mother's breaths rattled in her chest, I could barely hear my name when it passed her lips.
Steeling myself, I turned and met her soft gaze, her skin was too pale against the vibrant red of her hands, her blue eyes, our blue eyes, met and she smiled.
"Sasha, I'm so sorry."
I shook my head, and offered her the best smile I could "we're going to be okay, Ma. I promise."
"I love you, I love you both so much." She winced, I felt her heartbeat start to struggle and slow, "I'm sorry I left you."
"It's okay, we're okay." I nodded, feeling tears prickle against my eyes, I don't move to wipe them away, I didn't want to risk having one moment less. "It's okay for you to go."
The heartbeat stopped, I rocked back on my heels and released a sob.
A sudden sensation crept up my spine, one of being watched, I turned, finding Marcus behind me, knife still in hand.
"You were supposed to stay in bed." He tutted, "now I have to punish you too."
I dodged his first slash easily, deflecting it with my forearm, the force knocked it from his grip and it skidded across the floor. Marcus drove his fist into my stomach and I doubled over, I retaliated with my own, striking him across the face and sending him reeling back into the wall.
I didn't hesitate when I swiped the knife and forced it into his chest.
Marcus stumbled forward once more, still yelling, as blood spewed down his chin. I drove it into his heart once more, enjoying the satisfaction it brought.
The lights rise again, I'm alone in the room, the leaders were waking from their own simulation fog on the other side of the glass.
I seek out Eric and he nods; I've convinced them.
I've given you double chapters today! I hope you enjoyed!
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