"Alright you low lives-"
"Rude much?" Laurel scoffed, but I ignored her. It was my time to shine and as much as I loved her, no one was going to take that away from me.
"-you are all gathered here because we have two main tasks at hand." I announced. Pj and Nate were new to this process. Before, I just went with my gut feeling, but over time I had developed a hunger for organized scheming. It just seemed, much more effective.
Pj raised her hand to ask a question, but Reese took it down and shook his head. "No questions during presentation. Q&A's are after." he informed her quietly. Pj furrowed her brows but nodded in understanding.
"First on our agenda is-" I said sliding into the next box on my self made slideshow, "finding my mojo. My evil and scheming gene." in place I had a picture of Dr.Evil holding Austin Powers mojo. I strived for creativity in this presentation.
"How will we do that?" Nate asked, without raising his hand. Beside him, Reese and Ezra both covered Nate's mouth.
"Dude, questions are later." Ezra hissed, staring between Nate and I cautiously. Nate glared at Ezra until his removed his hand. He did the same to Reese, but Nate didn't really intimidate his best friend.
I chose to ignore all of them and carry on. "As soon as we find a solution then we'll kick start our newest operation. You know-getting Hans to forgive Pj....I'll come up with an operation name and codenames at a later meeting." I shrugged lamely ending my slideshow.
"Or we could just let it happen on its own. You know Matey, sometimes you have to let people work through it and not push." Nate piped in. I openly gaped at him, did he just ask me to mind my own business?
"Excuse me?" I raised my eyebrow. "Are you asking me to not be myself?"
"You know that's not what I meant." Nate stated flatly. He got up from his seat and pulled me to the side so we could talk privately. I swear if he didn't make my heart jump like criss-cross, I would have seriously been annoyed.
Alas, my teenage hormones were all like 'YAAAS QUEEN!' When he held my hand in his.
"I know you're trying to help Pj and all. But maybe this doesn't need to be pushed. Forgiveness isn't something you can force on someone. Maybe that's why your evil groove is gone." He explained to me softly, cautious about setting me off. I pressed my lips together, contemplating my options.
Take matters into my own hands? Or let life take the wheel? Manipulate Hans' feelings for Pj. Or give him time to come up with his own conclusion.
"What if I gave him a little push?" I asked sheepishly. Nate raised his eyebrow, as if saying not even that could happen. I sighed and let my shoulders sag. "What if I just get him in the right place, at the right time? You know, legally." I added, hopeful.
Nate wrapped his arms around me and a big smile plastered my face. He pulled me in tight. It was a nice hug...but then he pressed my face against his shirt. Then I took note of what he was doing.
The son of a bitch was trying to suffocate me!
"Shh, doll face." He mumbled pressing me tighter against him. I waved my arms around and tried to smack him. "Don't struggle it'll all be over soon." he cooed.
My shitty survival skills-the ones I attribute to watching wrestling- kicked in. I bit into Nate's chest. He yelped in pain and quickly jumped away from me. I glared at him, heaving heavily from the lack of oxygen I had.
"You're dead Archer!" I growled pouncing on his back, going in to strangle him. I wrapped my left arm around his neck and squeezed. He tried to buck me off but with each passing second, he became weak.
Out of nowhere, I was pulled off of Nate. Reese joined Nate's side and helped him. Nate coughed violently and rubbed his neck from where I was strangling him. I wrestled in Ezra's arms but he held me firmly.
"You two really don't need to be in a relationship!" Ezra grunted as he tried to fight me, so I would be still. Nate turned over and coughed once then smiled at me.
"I thought that's what normal relationships entail?" he replied sarcastically. I cracked a delirious smile and relaxed into Ezra's arm.
"Yeah, you guys no nothing about affection." I scoffed. Ezra and Reese both looked baffled. Laurel and Pj however didn't look phased. Maybe they have accepted all things, 'Matey'.
Ezra let me free, and I fixed my hair. Nate smirked at me, as he wrapped his arm around me. "You have a deadly grip. Kind of a turn on." he smirked, he beautiful brown eyes alight with mischief. Only the ones fit for Nate Archer.
I grimaced and slapped his chest, "You tried to suffocate me!" I glared at him accusingly.
"I was trying to suffocate the crazies out of you!" he retorted defensively. "You're the one who suffocated me." he pointed out.
"Survival of the quickest Archer." I countered. "You stayed alive, I respect that." I nodded.
"Ahh, you know, I try." he waved me off bashfully.
"What do you get when two whack jobs hook up?" Ezra muttered to Reese.
"Screwed." Reese answered him quietly. Nate stared at his best friend flatly, but said nothing.
"Are you going to let Hans and Pj hash it out on their own?" he asked me, staring at me with those deep brown eyes of his. It was almost enough to make me cave in.
Almost.
"If I'm not scheming, I'm dying." I sang, blatantly ignoring Nate's pleas.
***
I surveyed the area for our target. It felt almost like deja vu. But instead of Hans next to me in a trash can, it was Nate. And if I commanded Nate to knock out Hans. He'd probably do it.
Let's test out this theory.
"Knock out Hans and we'll drag him to my house." I hissed to Nate. He turned to me in bewilderment.
"No." he shook his head.
Okay, so he wouldn't do it on command. But I had convinced him enough to help us. So I guess I get brownie points for that.
Nate was really adamant on not helping. He went on this huge moral spiel about minding my own business. Letting life fun it's course, fate always has a way of working, blah blah blah.
Eventually I broke him down....in the form of following him around all day and singing obnoxious covers of bubblegum pop songs. Nate said he didn't mind because he liked he had his own groupie (as if). But I think I finally broke him when I jumped out of his gym locker singing, 'All About That Bass'.
He caved and I promised him I would never sing again....so here we are.
"Fine I guess we'll stay in this trashcan longer than we have to." I grumbled. But my mood quickly turned when Nate's hand found mine. His hand squeezed mine once but he held it closely, refusing to let it go.
"Best idea you've had all day." he winked, and I shit you not, my heart was jumping up and down. I cleared my throat nervously, and then I had that self aware feeling. My hair was pretty messy today, I shouldn't have ate burrito in the morning-now I have burrito breath. Maybe I shouldn't have worn my hulk t-shirt with my purple skirt. Was I trying to imply something?
From beside me, Nate chuckled. I snapped my gaze to him, curiously. "What?" I whispered, self-conscious.
"Stop overthinking. You're the ring leader to all this madness, we need you focused." He said, but his smile wasn't helping me focus at all.
"You're right, I need to focus." I nodded confidently. I pulled out my walkie talkie and reached my second in command. "Nightlock to Kangaroo Jack-"
"We changed codenames, madam!" Ezra reminded. I sighed in frustration. I didn't like this new set of codenames, I let them choose their own and it's absolute trash if i'm being honest.
"Nightlock to...sex god." I grumbled, calling Ezra by his new codename. Nate glared at the talkie flatly and let out a scoff. I could practically hear Ezra smirk over the talkie, "Do you and...Sasha Fierce see the target?"
"Negative." Reese responded. His nickname wasn't bad, I give him mad props for that Beyoncé reference. But still....fatso was more fitting.
"What about you, falcon and slut?" I asked, Laurel and Pj. For the record, I didn't choose their name either. Laurel didn't want codenames-obviously. But Pj was really into it and used her favorite covers from Perks of being a Wallflower. Once again-mad props but I could have done better.
Apparently losing my mojo, also meant losing my grip on power. For the love of everything evil, I really needed to get my mojo back.
"Negative on the target." Pj answered. From the other side of her radio I heard arguing.
'Give me the radio, I'm the leader in this duo.' Laurel grumbled.
'You turned off the radio last time I gave it to you.' Pj retorted. I groaned, and turned off my own radio. Maybe my picks for the groups was a bit biased.
I really wanted to be with Nate, but Reese was willing to fight me. However, after a quick arm wrestling match, I won....with the help of Nate. So I paired him with Ezra because if anything goes wrong, they could easily take the fall.
That only left Laurel and Pj. It probably wasn't the smartest idea to pair Hans' girlfriend and ex-best friend slash romantic flame. Now, I could see how awkward and uncomfortable that was.
"I spy with my little eye, your victim." Nate whispered next to my ear. I quickly glanced out of the small opening of the trashcan and found Hans talking to some random guy.
"I didn't know he had friends outside of us?" I furrowed my brows. "I thought we were his whole life?" I scoffed, feeling offended. Stupid Hans, being social and shit. How dare he!
"Missing the point." Nate mumbled, before he grabbed our walkie talkie. "Hemlock to Sasha Fierce, we have visual on the target. We'll make contact and meet everyone at creek." he directed.
"Roger that." Reese responded.
"Who's Roger?" we heard Ezra ask.
"It's a term, it's not a real person." Pj answered over the line.
"Are you saying that Rogers don't exist?" Laurel retorted, I think for the sake of arguing with Pj.
"Of course they exist, I have a buddy back in Australia named Roger." Ezra scoffed.
"Dude, stop talking about Australia. Every other thing out of your mouth is- Australia this, and Australia that. We get it, you're foreign!" Reese snapped.
Nate switched off the radio and let our friends bicker. I loved them, but as a uniformed unit, we all sucked. Sometimes I wondered how they all lived without me? I was the glue to this pile of trash.
I glanced out of the trashcan and found that Hans was now on his own. He was rummaging through his locker. He was a practically a sitting duck just begging to be kidnapped. "When I give the signal, we attack. "I hissed to Nate .
Nate furrowed his brows, "There is no signal."
"NOW!" I shouted ignoring him as I popped out of the trashcan. However my flawless plan didn't pan out well. Instead of jumping out of the trashcan with super mobility, we ended up crashing on the ground. I should have learned my lesson before, but do I learn?
Never.
At least this time I didn't get hurt. The same couldn't be said for Nate. Fortunately for me, he broke my fall, and unfortunately for him broke some bones.
"Fuck sakes, Matey!" Nate cried out in pain. I quickly rolled off of him and smiled sheepishly.
"Sorry." I mumbled. Before Nate could say anything more, I was answering to Hans. "Hey." I sang awkwardly.
Hans furrowed his brows and helped Nate back on his feet. "What the hell were you two doing?" he asked skeptically, staring between Napte and I.
"We were making babies." Nate replied sarcastically. I narrowed my eyes at him and jabbed him in the ribs.
"He's kidding." I chuckled, "We-we're part of the recycling committee. We were just searching the trash for reusable products." I lied, Hans narrowed his eyes suspiciously but didn't comment back. And good thing too, I don't think i'm that good of a liar.
"So, whatcha doin'?" Nate nodded towards Hans, nonchalantly.
"Grabbing a book for economics....aren't you guys supposed to be in class?" he asked, furrowing his brows. My eyes widened in alarm, he's getting too suspicious.
"Ezra, now!" I shouted, and before anyone could register what was going on, Ezra popped out from behind Hans and slammed a textbook onto his head.
Hans fell to the ground and cradled his head. "WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK!" he growled, kicking Ezra's foot angrily.
"Matey!" Nate chastised me. See, I didn't tell him about plan B, you know because he'd try to stop me. So I get it, Nate was pissed...and so was Hans. "This is your great plan? Assault Hans, then what?" He raised his eyebrow.
I scratched the back of my neck sheepishly, "Ya, no, you see the book was supposed to knock him out unconscious. So, no my plan wasn't to assault him..."
"Now what?" Ezra asked confused.
"Nothing!" Hans shouted, before he turned to me with a murderous glare, "I better not be a target on one of your schemes Matey!"
"Too late." I mumbled, looking away sheepishly.
"Matey are you serious!" Hans snarled, getting back on his feet. "If you're gonna kidnap me, it's going to end horribly like it did last time!" he swore.
I gasped, offended. "One of these days my kidnappings will be efficient and you'll have me to thank for. Ezra, give him your best and put him to sleep." I commanded Ezra, who was more than willing to follow my orders.
Meanwhile, Nate sighed and rubbed his temples in frustration. I don't think he was ready for this much crazy. "I like a complete psychopath." he mumbled to himself. I smiled and my heart jumped in my chest, aww he said he liked me!
"Sorry Hans, it's for your own good." Ezra apologized to Hans before he put him out like a light.
"To the lair!" I declared dramatically.
"We have a lair?" Ezra asked.
"She means the creek." Nate answered flatly.
···························································
I missed you guys so much! And huge news, while I was away CAS reached #2 in humor! I'm so happy and I'm still determined to make #1 even if it means eliminating the competition.....Matey Style.
Jk, I love most of the books in the top 10 so much! They're way too funny to be eliminated. But thank you guys for always reading, commenting and voting.
I hope you guys liked this chapter. It took forever to write and tbh I'm not all that thrilled with the end result. I am however proud of the movie-esque still I made. I named this chapter after that Kevin Smith movie, Chasing Amy.
If you haven't watched it, I recommend you do. I grew up watching his ridiculously hilarious movies and they're cinematic gold....you know in my opinion.
Quick question before I go. Where are you guys reading from? I was looking at the demographics from my stories and I saw that my books are read in quite a few countries. So where are you guys from?
I'm from the states--tornado alley to be a little more specific.
-R H E A
SONG OF THE CHAPTER IS.....No good by Kaleo