I had a dreadful evening. I was hoping to drink the night away and make all the problems go but they all came back to me when I woke up this morning. I woke up on my bed holding a bottle of Jack Daniel's with my heels on. God, I look so pathetic. I don't know why I keep on doing this. I actually stopped drinking but when Ethan came back to my life, I knew I'll be needing the company of alcohol. I was planning to drown myself in alcohol so when this is all over, I'll be sober I promise.
My breakfast was delivered to my suite. I somehow feel delighted when I found two blueberry muffins, two large sausages, mashed potato with creme sauce, and fluffy eggs on my plate along with a glass of cranberry juice and a glass of milk. Thank goodness, I got sent with hangover food. Last time, they sent me a salad for breakfast and I wasn't really that happy. How can I get some energy if I had grass for breakfast? Right?
I started eating while searching the location of Mrs. Miller's luncheon. It's in Camden, just outside London's border. It's in a posh neighborhood and everyone invited is expected to wear a fancy dress and a hat. Where in fuck should I look for a fancy hat? God, I have to stop by at the store downstairs again. How much will a fancy cost? Anyways, I want to drive by River Thames for one last time since I'm leaving tonight. I don't know if when will I be back so I need to see it for myself. I need to leave early so I can still stroll for a bit.
I already made a plan. I'm going to stay there for thirty minutes then going to act like something came up. I still can't see Ethan's parents. I feel so guilty just thinking about seeing them eye to eye. I can't make they feel bad because of me. They already did so much way back few years ago. They already suffered because of that horrible night. They will be distraught. How can I make them feel guilty again? It's not my intention to make them feel that way that's why I'm leaving before they come.
I chose to wear an off-shoulder knee-length lilac floral dress and a pair of nude Christian Loubotin pumps I have with me. I paired my outfit with a Fendi clutch. I need to look formal and fashionable because my look reflects my client's and my firm's image. They always tell me to dress well according to the situation and I think I look okay. Right? I succeeded in looking like a
I finished tucking my hair at the back to make it sleek and I secured my black hat with some bobby pins and I'm ready to go. I looked at myself in the mirror for one last time and i sighed.
"You're gonna get yourself killed for one last time, honey. You'll be alright." I told myself and smiled. Just this one last death-defying mission and I'm done. I can finally get away from Ethan and his perfect bubble. I no longer have the need to witness his picture-perfect life. I don't have to see how much love he gives her. It's enough that I had a glimpse. I don't need to watch it everyday.
I can't.
Soon, I will be fine. I know I will be fine, right?
Brokenhearted women get stronger everyday. They are heroines. They can stand up and get wounded, but happy and still headstrong. They will get things finished. They will do it clean. They won't try and ruin their lives for nothing. They move on and mature.
They move on and be happy.
I'm a strong brokenhearted woman. I'm happy... well, not that happy.
I dabbed some Chapstick to moisturize my dry lips. Smoking makes my lips dry and dark so I make sure I use this everyday. After a few minutes, I spread some velvet plum lipstick. I want to make a statement, of course. I want to look confident and beautiful just for today and plum lipsticks make me feel confident. Besides, I didn't use any eyeshadow at all. I just did a simple winged eyeliner and few coats of mascara to pop my eyes. Even if I'm not that happy, I need make myself look good.
I used to remember how plain Jane I was when I was still dating Ethan. I never wore dresses or flat shoes. I've never worn heels except important social gathering at the University. I don't think he had a beautiful memory of me. I realized that I look dreadful beside him. He's really handsome and that's why I felt inferior. I felt really inferior and I can't feel that again so I changed a lot.
I don't have anything against makeup free faces. I just want to change how I used to look like. I want to look matured. I've always been so youthful and I don't think I get enough respect because I look young. I look even younger than Jessica Miller. She's 27 and I'm 32. I'm five years older for Pete's sake.
I already called the chauffeur service of the hotel to drive me today. They told me that I can put my luggage inside the car while they wait for me. I felt at ease, knowing I can just go after the luncheon. I have no reason to stay here. I've done my reflection and I've already visited Inverness. I'm satisfied and I need to leave.
"Madame, we will pick you up after your luncheon. Do you prefer to head straightaway to Heathrow airport?" The chauffeur asked me.
"Yes, please."
"Alright. Buckle up." As we're driving, I remembered something.
"Can you drive me first to River Thames? I just want to take a photo before I leave. I will miss England definitely."
"No worries, I can bring you there." He smiled.
When we got there. I stood in front of it, looking at the boats, building and people around the area. I used to wish that I can hold hands with Ethan in this very place. I had so much plans for us. I had so much things that I wished for and they just simply vanished. It's like I'm trying to hold onto the pieces as they turn to powder. They turned to powder that every time i try to grasp it, it just falls away.
"Sir, can you snap me a photo? I want a good photo before I leave England. I'll surely miss this place." I asked the old man beside me with his grandchild.
"Of course, dear. River Thames is a therapeutic scenery and you want a good memory. Let me take your phone."
Then he handed me my phone back.
"Thank you very much."
"You're welcome." He smiled.
Then I straightly headed to the luncheon in Camden. The place is already full of fancy people in their fancy clothing and fancy accent. I made my way to Mrs. Miller. She smiled when she found me looking at her. She definitely is very beautiful in her lilac dress.
"Atty. Park, glad you could make it." She said while handing me over a glass of champagne.
"Of course, Mrs. Miller. I wouldn't miss this for the world. This is a very beautiful place. I love all the flowers and the tables. The ambience is very light, airy and delightful." I told her and she smiled in satisfaction. Flattery really works.
"I made sure everything won't look so formal. I want this casual but elegant at the same time. Enjoy some good Perignon, Atty. Park. You deserve a good drink. I'll just welcome some guest. Kindly sit here in the middle so you can meet Ethan's parents. I'll be quick." I don't know what to do. I closed my eyes and gulped a glass of champagne and wiped the corners of my mouth. I nervously sat in the middle and I'm all alone. There are six remaining seats which obviously are for the couple and their parents. If we ever all sit here together, hell will break loose. Things will fall apart including me.
I can't fall apart for the second time.
I stood and walked my way to the comfort room. I sat inside the cubicle and contemplated my decision on coming here instead of straightly going home. I should've gone home. You're really stupid, Aria. God, how can I be so stupid? This isn't gonna work.
I started having palpitation then I felt the tremendous trembling of both of my hands. I can feel the anxiety attack kicking in all over my body and this time, I don't know how to control. It's like my body is shutting down and I don't have the authority to keep it still.
My thoughts are no longer intact. My mind already floated somewhere else. I no longer know what I should do. All I knoe is that I have to leave this place and completely forget all the people here. I should just move on. Though I kept telling that to myself, it's not working.
I just keep on lying and it's a cycle. I know that deep inside, I love Ethan. Just a sight of him is enough to make my adrenaline rush. Deep inside, I have this fantasy of getting back together with him, that he wikl realize how much he still loves me. That fantasy is what my heart guiltily craves and even though it's not possible, it just kept hoping.
My phone started ringing, but I can't gather the strength of even open my purse and get my phone. Like what I said, my body is shutting down and when it does, I no longer have the control.
I rested my head on the cubicle door while I try to pull myself together. Why? Why would Ethan's parents wanna see me? I'm a living proof of their son's horrible past. I am a reminder of that horrible moment when their son almost died and his girlfriend got raped. It's not a memory you'd like to hold onto. I'm a memory that's meant to be buried.
Ethan's parents were so close to my heart. They've always been the people I imagined to be my children's grandparents. I already imagine how my children with Ethan will look like. I could imagine his mannerisms will be duplicated by our son or how my daughter will be as stubborn as her mother.
I imagined that and it hurts that everything I imagined will be just plain imagination. It's stupid, right? It's stupid to even think about something that will never happen.
My thoughts faded as soon as my phone rang for the second time.
"Hello?"
"Aria." That voice is enough to make ny heart tremble. I felt my heart jumping as soon as I heard him tell my name.
"E- Mr. Jennings, yes?"
"Where are you? Mrs. Miller is looking for you."
"In the washroom, why?"
"She thought you left. Is everything alright?"
"Oh yes, yes. I'm just... uhm... retouching my makeup. That's... all." Then he went silent for ten seconds.
"Why does it sound like you're catching your breath? Are you really alright?" I closed my eyes. Why can't he just fucking believe my lie? That's what I need right now, not further interrogation.
"I'm alright. Just... I'll be there. Give me five minutes." I dropped the call and rested my head again on the cubicle door.
Where's a mantra when I need one?
I got out and wiped my face. Beads of sweat are forming on my forehead. My sweating is so obvious even powder can't cover it. God I hate summer.
I got out and found my way back to our table.
As soon as I got there, Mrs. Jennings stared at me.
She stared at me without any sign of surprise.