The next morning, I awoke excited and ready to talk to Lily about the new discovery about us, but all day she dodged the subject and would suddenly change topics if I got anywhere close to bringing it up. I got the message loud and clear. Just because some textbook said we were soulmates because our patronuses just happened to match, didn't mean she wanted it. So I dropped it, and I didn't bring it up again.
That's how a month passed causing everything to remain exactly the same. Well, mostly the same, I did officially ask Jenna to be my girlfriend. I figured since things obviously weren't going anywhere with Lily, I should try to move on. Even though Jenna didn't make me happy the way Lily did, and I often found myself gritting my teeth in her pretense, It was seventh year, and I had made no progress. It was time to get over it, over her.
Sometimes in Head meetings or on patrols, I would make her laugh, and my heart would stir. It is quite a horrible thing to have so many feelings for someone and be forced to spend the majority of your time with them. Some days, I think I'm making progress on getting over her, but then she touches my arm or says my name and it cause the same lurch in my gut I've been feeling for years now. It often makes me wonder if my feelings for Lily Evans will ever truly go away.
"Maybe," Remus had said one afternoon, lifting his eyes from the book he had been reading. "You don't want them to go away. You've been chasing her for so long, you don't want to give up the challenge without having won."
"She's not a challenge, Moony," I answered bitterly. "She never was. She's the one for me, even if I'm not the one for her."
The time came for the first Hogsmeade trip of the year. Jenna badgered me enough to get me to spend half the day with her at Madam Puddifoot's- my least favorite place in Hogsmeade. We walk hand and hand through the chilly October air, wind nipping at our noses and cold seeping through our clothing. Jenna's talking fills the would-be-peaceful, autumn silence. Lately, I've gotten into a bad habit of tuning her out whenever she speaks. I don't know what's worse: my ignoring her talking, or her never noticing.
She tugs on my hand, pulling me to a stop. We arrive outside of Madam Puddifoot's tea shop in all of its pink and frilly glory. I suppress a gag and an eye roll at the sight of the over the top building. I've been dragged to this place more times than I like to admit, by more than one girl trying to get me to snog her. It's besides the point that I usually did; I just hate this place.
"I just love this place," Jenna sighs, pulling on the end of her hat. "Don't you?"
"Oh, er, yeah, I love it." My lie comes out less smoothly than I would like it to. I pull the collar of my coat up, already feeling the chill making its way to my bones.
"Come on," she says impatiently, yanking me forward through the door. The warmth in the shop has me thankful for just a second, then my eyes take in all the pink, and the gagging sensation returns.
Jenna pulls me past all of the lovesick, snogging couples to a booth in the corner. As soon as we sit down she curls against my side, dark hair splaying over my jumper. I try to put some distance between us without making it obvious what I'm doing; She pouts anytime I pull more than a few inches away.
A waitress comes by to take our orders-coffee for me and tea for Jenna. Jenna pulls me in for snogging a few times, but I end the kisses after only a few seconds, unable to get in the mood for kissing her. Jenna huffs at me, and I can sense her annoyance with me rising. I'm walking on thin ice, but then again, with Jenna, I'm always on thin ice.
I let my eyes wonder around the tea shop as she talks about her friends that I can barely stand to spend more than a few minutes with. A head of red hair catches my eye and causes me to do a double take. Lily Evans is seated in a booth with Draven McLaggen, talking animatedly and laughing. As if sensing my gaze on her, her head turns, and her green eyes meet mine causing my cheeks to flush with either embarrassment or jealousy. She quickly turns away from me and scoots closer to her date.
The jealousy rises in my chest, clawing at my throat, and I find myself coming up with extra drills for McLaggen to do at our next quidditch practice. "You know, James," Jenna's words begin to get through to me. "Most guys want to and even enjoy snogging their girlfriends."
I turn my back on the sight that is making my blood boil. "You're right," I mutter, as I grab her face in my hands and abruptly press my lips to hers. The kiss is hurried and sloppy, but I find myself not caring.
It's times like these when I kiss Jenna like this that I find the guilt gnawing at me like a persistent ache. I kiss her like this when I need to forget, when I want to feel something else. I want these feelings for Lily to go away, looking to feel something for somebody else. It never works, but I always try.
After a few moments of kissing Jenna but longing for Lily, I slow the kiss and pull away. Jenna leans back, satisfied with getting her way, and sips her tea. I take a gulp of coffee, oblivious to the burning it brings to my throat, and pretend to be interested in the pink art work throughout the shop. A part of me prays that Jenna hasn't noticed Lily in the shop yet.
When I finally allow my eyes to land on the redhead girl again, it's as if someone has removed all the air from my body. Lily's arms are locked around Draven's neck, and his hands are placed firmly on her waist. The kiss is not a small peck on the lips but a deep, prolonged kiss. He looks very happy to be kissing her, and she seems to be kissing him back with just as much enthusiasm.
My hand tightens around my mug, causing coffee to slosh out and fall to my lap. I don't notice the burning sensation on my skin because I'm too busy feeling a jealousy so strong, I could kill Draven, or at least rip him away from Lily. Looking at them is causing me to be physically ill. I don't want to do anything stupid to make myself look even worse to Lily. She deserves to be with someone that makes her happy, even if it's not me.
"Ready to go?" I ask gruffly, throwing down a few sickles for our drinks.
"Sure," she answers with gleaming eyes. "We can find somewhere else to snog."
I take her hand and begin to lead her from the tea shop, eager to leave this hell hole behind. "Oi! Potter!" You have got to be fucking kidding me. I lock my jaw and turn on my heal to make my way towards Draven and Lily, pulling Jenna with me.
Lily has a smirk playing on her lips, and she looks somewhat triumphant. My stomach clenches with nausea. How long has she wanted to go out with him? I look away from her swollen lips because it's causing my muscles to jump. Jenna looks at me expectantly, and I realize I should say something.
"McLaggen," I nod at my teammate that I could murder right now. I cut my eyes to Lily, barely able to look at her without feeling pain. "Evans." The words leave my mouth sharp and cold.
"What are you up to, Potter?" Draven asks, nonchalantly wrapping his arm around Lily's shoulders.
My eyes lock on his hand on her shoulder; his tight grip causes a growling in my head. He did it without thinking, like he plans on doing it for a long time. "'Bout to meet up with everyone. Evans is coming. Why don't you come too, McLaggen?" I force the words to come from my mouth, praying they don't sound too harsh coming through my teeth.
Draven looks to Lily and asks, "Want to stay here?" The way his eyes rake over her greedily causes bile to rise in my throat. How he looks at her like an object to be won has me fighting myself to stay where I am instead of lunging over the table and connecting my fist with his jaw. The idea causes a smirk to tug on my lips.
"I told Sirius I was going," she says hastily, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "You don't have to go if you don't want to."
"I'll go," he says smirking, staring at her already swollen lips. "Why don't we all walk together?"
Jenna cocks her hip. "Sure, sounds like a fun time." Her tone of voice causes me to cringe because the girl is not oblivious to the situation. It is no secret that Lily isn't Jenna's favorite person, but she never suggested I stay away from her. Probably, because she already knew the answer to that.
We make our way out into the chilly air, pulling our scarves up and stuffing our hands into our pockets in the desperate attempt to stay warm. "How do you think we'll fair against Slytherin, Captain?" McLaggen asks.
"Well."
"Did you see the new broom Mary got? It's a Nimbus 1500! Her parents got it for her as a birthday gift. I'm so jealous," He blabbers on, setting my teeth on edge.
"Yup," I answer sharply. "I saw it."
"Who do you think will win the cup this year?"
"Dunno, McLaggen."
I walk faster, pulling Jenna along with me, leaves crunching under our feet as we walk. She wraps an arm around me, huddling closely to my side. The guilt pricks me, familiar and strong, because my arms crave the presence of the girl walking behind me over the one I'm actually holding.
When we finally arrive at the Three Broomsticks, we all hurry inside longing for the warmth the small pub offers. Marlene smirks at the company sitting down at the table, but my three best mates all look dumbfounded.
"Hi," Lily says tentatively, breaking the silence.
"Hey, guys," Marlene answers, grinning triumphantly.
Sirius kicks me under the table forcing me to shift my gaze to meet his. 'What the fuck?' he mouths. I shrug and look away, not up for an interrogation right now. Peter is staring at the wall, refusing to meet anyone's eye; Remus' eyes are darting from me to Lily and back, as he runs his pinky along the rim of his mug.
"We already ordered you a butterbeer," Marlene says pushing Lily's mug across the table. She drinks heavily from it before setting it back down, the sound echoing through the silence of this awkward encounter.
"So," Sirius begins loudly after a moment of awkward silence. "You and my Lilikins, huh? Treat her well. I know a spell for castration." He glowers at Draven. Remus spits out a bit of butterbeer, and Marlene shoves a biscuit into her mouth to hide her laughter. I try to hide my own laugher, not because it's funny, but because Sirius means every word of it.
"Sirius!" Lily protests, eyes wide and cheeks flushed. Draven shifts uncomfortably in his seat, as Lily glares at a grinning Sirius.
"Well, I promise to treat her right, er, Sirius," Draven mutters awkwardly. I call bullshite you womanizing, has no respect for women dick.
"Oh, you better. Or James here might have to get ahold of you." Black, what the fuck? I turn to throw a glare at Sirius; his eyes just gleam mischievously in return. What the bloody hell is he thinking? Jenna huffs next to me, obviously put out. Great, Black, I'm going to have to hear about that later.
"Black, I am warning you," Lily threatens.
"Now, now, Lilikins, no need to get your knickers in a twist. I'm just letting him know not to mess, with my girl. Or better yet James' girl," Sirius winks and wraps his arm around her shoulders.
Lily and Draven both freeze under the weight of his words. Marlene has stopped smiling; Pete has suddenly become very interested in the ceiling; and Remus just stares at the floor as if hoping a giant hole will open up, and he can escape. Maybe I can escape too. I glare at my best friend. What the fuck does he think he is doing? Is he trying to get me killed? Because before this is all said and done either Lily or Jenna will murder me.
"His girl?" Jenna spits. I flinch at her hostile words and scoot away from her not wanting to be in the danger zone when she explodes.
"What?" Sirius asks innocently, grey eyes wide. "I just meant they're really good friends. We all are. Why? What did you think I meant?" I see the smirk playing on his lips, as he rests his chin in his hand. I resist the urge to reach across the table and throttle the git.
Draven laughs uncomfortably. "Why aren't you denying it?" Jenna turns on me. Shite.
Her ice blue eyes, so opposite of Lily's, are hardened with anger. "What do you want me to deny? That Lily and I are friends?" I ask.
"Deny that Lily Evans is your girl. Say I am your girl."
"You're my girl, Jenna. Happy?" I can't contain my eye roll because this whole conversation is ridiculous.
"Oh, yes! That was very convincing!" She stands dramatically and storms from the pub.
"Thanks, Padfoot," I spit. He looks at me innocently; I glare in return.
"Aren't you going to go after her?" Lily's voice chimes in.
I shift my eyes to look at her properly for the first time all day. Her gorgeous, green eyes smolder, boring into mine, and her eyebrows have come together in genuine concern. Do you want me to go after her, Lily? Do you really? Do you really not feel anything for me, that you want me to be with someone else?
I tip my head back, draining my butter beer, wishing it was something stronger. I stand and leave without a word to find my girlfriend. When I leave the pub, I see her making her way back to the castle. "Jenna!"
She continues to walk without looking back at me. Her shoulders are stiff, and her steps seem to be forced, as if every step is taking careful consideration. "Jenna! Wait!"
I run after her, stopping only when I get in front of her, placing my hands on her shoulders. "Look," I start. "I'm sorry about Sirius, you know how he is."
"It's not Sirius, James! It's you!" She pulls away from my grasp.
"I didn't do anything!" I protest, stepping in front of her once more.
"It's what you don't do! You don't deny that Lily is your girl! You don't want to snog me! Hell, you won't even come close to having sex with me! You know a lot of guys would kill to be in your position!"
I feel the anger flare up inside of me, coursing through my veins. I know I haven't been the best boyfriend, but she hasn't exactly been a walk in the park. Why are you with her? The guys have asked me that a million times. I thought maybe, she should help me get over Lily. But a relationship shouldn't be like this.
My silence causes her to huff and turn angrily on her heal. "Don't follow me! I want to walk back alone!"
A relationship should not be like this.
A/N*
Hello, lovelies. How is life? I am out for Thanksgiving, have been since last Thursday. It is glorious by the way. I hope everything is going well for you all!
Sorry this chapter is a little long, and it took me a but to update. Anyways, since I'm on break I hope to update some more soon. Let me know what you think. Love you guys!
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