I was still wearing Harry’s sweater – the one he gave me a while ago. My jeans were on too, but I’m sitting on the makeshift bed on the floor anyway. Harry offered me the top – his bed – but I refused. “Are you still awake?” Harry asked lazily, knowing I was.
“I am.”
“Wanna talk, then?” He asked, and I breathed in.
“What about?”
“Um,” he coughed and sat up, looking at me from the top of his bed. “I figured we’d talk about… You know. What you said the other night.”
“What did I say?” I asked. I knew perfectly well what I said, but I was hoping he didn’t.
“I’d like to know a bit more about you past,” he said, his eyes scanning my face.
“I’d like to sleep,” I lied, staring past him.
“You aren’t going to talk?” He asked.
“No.”
“Why not?” He asked.
“You don’t need to know everything about me,” I said. “It’s not I know a lot about you.”
“You know a lot about me. My dad, Leila…” He trailed off and I assumed he stopped looking at me.
I stayed quiet, thinking about my childhood. “What pushes you to self-harm?” He asked, and I scoffed.
“What are you, a therapist?”
“No, just a concerned friend,” he said, shifting to sit next to me.
“Fucked up childhood,” I said, glancing at him.
He stared at me, staying quiet. After a while of silence, he spoke. “When Leila… You know, cheated on me, and we broke up… I don’t know, I guess I felt so sad, so angry that I decided I didn’t deserve to smile. I believed it, and it kinda stuck. So now, I guess I tell myself I don’t deserve to smile.”
“Everyone deserves to smile,” I said softly, looking at him properly for the first time. His jaw was set, his eyes on the wall.
“I don’t. Besides, I have issues. I guess, I think that every girl out there is set to hurt me. So I hurt them before they can hurt me.” He glanced at me, to watch my reaction. When I frowned, he backtracked. “Not physically,” he shuddered. “I’d never lay a finger on a girl. Ever.”
I knew what he was doing. He’d tell me a story, I’d tell him one. Before I knew it, I was talking. “Do you really want to know? About me?”
He nodded, breathing in slowly. “Please.”
“Well.” I paused. “I… I guess… I don’t know,” I sighed. “When… When I was born. Um. My mum, she got pre-eclampsia.”
“What’s that?” Harry asked, not understanding the severity of it.
“It’s basically where, during pregnancy, the mother has a really high blood pressure and she loses her nutrients, they leak in her kidneys.”
“I don’t mean to be insensitive,” Harry said. “But, you hurt yourself because your mum had a disease.”
“She died.” I breathed out.
Harry widened his eyes. “Fuck. No.”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Oh my god, I’m a dickhead. I’m so sorry.”
I continued, ignoring him. “She didn’t know she had it until she started to give birth. Eighty percent of women don’t know they have it until postpartum… She, um… Twenty two hours after I was born… She slipped into a coma. And died.”
I let out a shaky breath, trying to keep my voice level. “My dad blamed me for it. He… He,” I shook my head and looked down, dangerously close to crying.
“Brenna,” Harry said slowly, unsure of himself. “I can imagine how that felt…”
I snapped my head up. “No. You couldn’t.” His face fell. “Do you know how it feels like, to - to wake up every morning and think about how you murdered your mother? Do you know what it feels like to have your dad tell you he doesn’t love you? T-to have your brother call you a useless piece of shit? I still have nightmares from the times my dad would hurt me. I still have bruises from the times my dad would beat me, Harry. He would beat me.” I had a lump in my throat, but I swallowed it.
“You don’t have to go on if you don’t want to,” Harry said softly.
“I…” I didn’t realize a tear had escaped; Harry brushed it off my cheek. “I just want to wake up… And be able to spend the day without thinking about how I’ve killed my mum. But I can’t Harry. I can’t.” I started crying – and then sobbing. I couldn’t help it. Harry’s arms went around me straight away and he pulled me into his chest. I didn’t stop crying, I couldn’t stop crying.
I was getting tears all over Harry’s shirt, but he didn’t say anything. He rubbed my back and muttered a string of soothing things, shushing me.
“I just…” I breathed in shakily, calming myself. “I just want to know what it’s like to be loved. Not to have everyone hate you, not to have people accuse you of everything. Just to be loved, and to be cared for.”
I burrowed my face in Harry’s chest again, almost laughing at how pathetic I was.
“Hey,” he whispered. “People do love you.”
“Don’t lie to make me feel better.”
“I’m not… Olly loves you! So does Summer-“
“Autumn.”
“Autumn. Right. Sorry. And my dad,” he laughed breathily. “My dad fucking loves you.”
I stayed quiet, thinking about what he said. It was quiet between us until he spoke. “And… I mean, I love you.”
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A/N; Hello guys! Just a warning, this may be the last update for like a week or so because im going on holiday, and I doubt ill have wifi.
What a lovely cliffhanger to leave you all at hahahaha
Love you all :D
Xoxo