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Comment Topic: Characters are the soul of every story. Did the main character in the chapter seem real? Or were they stereotypes or one-dimensional cardboard characters? Can you suggest improvements?
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Author #1: ScoobyDooforever
Book Title: The White Cape
Specified Chapter: The Boy
Summary Thus Far in Book: Darcy just graduated from High School. Her and her family stay afterwards to commemorate the occasion, taking pictures, and as this is happening she feels something...Odd. The forest nearby is rumored to be cursed, and she feels that she's being watched. They leave and she hops into the car where the spotlight chapter takes place.
Author's Note: I am so excited to finally be spotlighted! I would like to say thanks to the amazing people of NBR and DawnStarling. Please review my story honestly and seriously, I'm a younger author and I know I have a lot to work on, but that's what NBR is for(but try to be nice about it, please).
Question 1: How is my writing style, which I'm still developing, and what can I improve about it?
Question 2: Does the main character's commentary and imagery get the point across, and if it doesn't, what should I change?
Question 3: Is the story/idea interesting, would you possibly read on? If not, why?
Genre: Vampire
Rating: PG
Winning Comment: Comment Topic: We don't really know much about Darcy in terms of her biographical information, other than things like the fact that she's not an only child, is being raised by both parents, and she is apparently old enough to be in the process of picking colleges, so I can't really judge that aspect of it. However, she does seem real in terms of her thoughts and emotions, the way she vacillates between fear, uncertainty, unease, a sense of powerlessness, attempts to rally herself, horror, disgust, sheer terror, and making peace with death, and even sheer hysteria from the lack of oxygen. We could've simply had one or two emotions or mental states, like sadness and fear, but instead we get a whole laundry list of thoughts and feelings we're going through, and that definitely gives me the impression that the author here has really gotten inside their character's heads, placed themselves in the story, and gotten a strong sense of what it might be like to really experience a situation like this.
Author's Questions: 1. How is my writing style, which I'm still developing, and what can I improve about it?
I do like it overall. I think one thing you've accomplished well is making us feel very close to the main character. I feel like we're very wrapped up in her thoughts, impressions, and feelings." I do have 2 main issues I'm seeing, though. The first is the overall grammatical issues I'm seeing. Things like comma usage, ellipses, parenthesis, etc.The second issue is the jumping around in tenses and perspectives. She keeps shifting between the thoughts and commentary that took place during the course of the story's events, and the thoughts and commentary that she's expressing as she relates the story to the audience. There needs to be more consistency in how those are expressed and indicated. Things are kind of muddled right now, and there's an overlap to them. I'll explain more about this below, when dealing with specific examples of it.
2. Does the main character's commentary and imagery get the point across, and if it doesn't, what should I change?
I think it does, for the most part. The main obstacle I'm seeing is the one I just mentioned—that the past story events and her current narration are not clearly indicated and separated. As I said, I'll address that below.
3. Is the story/idea interesting, would you possibly read on? If not, why?
Yep & yep. The story is intriguing thus far, and the way the vampire operated was unexpected—and a clever idea on your part! I will say that I would probably have to tamp down my editing inclinations a fair bit, but would probably find the story pretty enjoyable once that's set aside. As it is, I'm already planning on checking out the next chapter—partly because the writing quality is high enough that I'm cautiously optimistic about the overall story, and partly due to the curiosity you've succeeded in sparking about what comes next.
"Additional Notes:Here I'll note things like grammatical and logical issues. I'll usually just show the revised version, and then explain what changes were made from the original. Here we go.
First: I know I'm in an odd mood; even the trees near our house look somber. [Changed comma to semicolon, because the two clauses being joined are independent clauses. That is, they could each stand as their own sentence:I know I'm in an odd mood. Even the trees near our house look somber. In fact, that's another way you could fix the punctuation here—by simply writing them as two separate sentences.]
Next: The farther we drove, the stronger it became.My mind was in a stalemate between two possibilities—one side pleading to be heard, the other obstinately clinging to the idea of a vivid imagination being the culprit. But the worry was demanding, anxiously pestering me, and I tried to block it out by focusing on the scenery.
Should I speak up about what I felt? As I gazed at the forest, the landscape took on a bitter tone.[Changed the paragraph groupings of this passage. (The first sentence, the one about driving, does go with the sentences before it. But the spacing a I show afterwards are my edits. Also, I changed the hyphen to an em dash. Until you find the keystroke for that on your device or keyboard, you can simply use two hyphens--like this.]
Next: I felt the eyes on me again, and I focused on the trees, intently searching.... For what, I didn't know. [Given the capitalization, I assume you intended for these to be two separate sentences rather than one sentence with a pause. Therefore, I added a fourth period, plus a space after it. Also, I changed "don't" to "didn't." Her point seems to be that she didn't know BACK THEN what it was she was looking for, so I used to past-tense verb rather than the present-tense one.]"
Next: Not only that, but it was also keeping perfect pace with our car, neither lagging behind nor going slightly ahead. [Either/or is a pairing, as is neither/nor. But neither/nor, which is what the original version had, is not. Additionally, I was taught that "not only" & "but also" are also a pairing, so I added the latter two words, as well.]
Next: I was...right? [Changed spacing and capitalization here; from what I can tell, this should all be one sentence, not two separate ones. She's asking if she's right, and there's simply a pause in the sentence. In other words, I assuming the meaning is:I was right?And NOT:I was. Right? ]
Next: Jenny thought that she had managed to check me. She had been trying to scare me that entire year, and I was never going to live this down. But I couldn't focus on that right then. Such childish things didn't matter. What *was* that creature? [Had to use asterisks to indicate the italicization. That wasn't the issue here, though. The problem is that we're jumping around between tenses. The timeframes of the verbs are varied; the narrator goes from talking in "past perfect" tense to past and present tenses. For example, "such childish things don't matter." Since she's referring back to her mindset during those past events, saying that she was dismissing their importance back then because of the urgent circumstances, using present tense doesn't really make sense. And then "What is that creature" REALLY doesn't make sense in that context; she's echoing her past thoughts, so she wouldn't ask them in present tense. The exception is if it was an exact quotation of her thoughts, in which case the whole sentence would be italicized. That's the only way I can think of that it would make sense to have that sentence in present tense. By the way, there were also some typos in the Jenny sentence, so I fixed those. I also changed a comma to a semicolon in the second sentence of the paragraph.]"
Next: Dazed, I heard her high-pitched voice rambling, speaking too quickly for me to understand. [Added hyphen between "high" and "pitched."]
Next: "Yes! Haha, I did it! In your face, Darcy! This is great—"OR: "Yes-ha-ha-I-did-it-in-your-face-Darcy-this-is-great—"Those mushed-together lines honestly just look like an error, and they're visually unpleasant. Plus, it could just be me, but I honestly find it annoying to have to decipher lines like that, even though I was able to understand it quickly. I'd really recommend going with option number one—punctuating it normally. I also changed that hyphen at the end to an em dash.]Next: We can't turn around; we're about to run out of gas. We need to get home and refuel. [Changed punctuation between clauses.]
Next: "You don't get it. We need to, we * have to—"* [Changed punctuation again. Divisions between clauses, and hyphen to dash.]
Next: So, which college are you going to, dear? [Added comma to set off "dear" since it's being used as a noun of direct address. Also, the way this question is phrases strikes me as being a bit strange. I would expect the mother and father to have had a significant conversation about this with their daughter, but the mother asks it almost as though she's out of the loop, and like it's a very casual decision. Now, I could potentially see her asking it like this if they'd already discussed things thoroughly and had narrowed her choices way down, perhaps to just two or so. In that case, then it would make sense for her to ask about it in that matter.]
Next: Why wouldn't she listen? [Tense issues again. Changed "won't" to "wouldn't." You can keep the present-tense verb—"won't"—if you change the whole sentence to an italicized thought.]Next: "Um, I dunno, but we shouldn't—" [Changed hyphen to dash.]
Next: My dad's deep timbre joined the strained conversation with gusto. [This sentence should most likely be grouped with the paragraph that immediately follows it.]"
Next: Darcy is going—" [Hyphen to dash.]Next: It was a one-lane highway in the woods—what was this man thinking? *Is he suicidal? Could this be—?* [Added hyphen between "one" and "lane." Because of the shift in tense, I would recommend italicizing the latter two sentences as thoughts. Also, the combo of an exclamation point and question mark together like that isn't really considered proper for formal writing, so you have to choose one or the other.]Next: But in that one split second, time slowed, and I could see...everything. [Changed capitalization.]Next: This was the scariest part of the whole ordeal...it made it real. [Couldnt keep comma, so used ellipsis instead. Also added the word "part," which seemed to be missing from the sentence.]
Next: I'd only seen him slightly close this when his grandma, who had raised him while his mother who'd drunk herself into oblivion, died of the flu. (Changed "I've" to "I'd." "I've" indicates that even up to the present day, as she's telling the story, she's only seen him like that once. Using "I had" indicates that this was the past situation, one which changed once they encountered the vampire. In other words, "Up until then, I HAD only seen him like that when...etc."Versus: "Up until now, (present day) I HAVE only seen him like that...etc."]Next: The car hit him—head on, full speed. [Replaced one of the commas with a dash.]Next: The sound was like a lightning crash, exploding my beloved world. [Changed "lightening" to "lightning." In modern usage, the two have different meanings, and the latter is the term referring to the meteorological event.]"
Next: In the next paragraph (after the lightning line), Darcy asks a series of questions. The questions feel a bit disorganized and random, and there seems to be more jumping around between her narrative of the story and her in-story thoughts. In particular, I'm wondering if "why us" is a quote of her in-story thoughts, in which case it should be italicized.Next: *I have no power...I never want to experience this again.* [If she's in the midst of despairing and feels devoid of will, as stated in the text, I don't think she'd simply think "I FEEL like I have no power." She'd probably think that she really doesn't have any power. "I am powerless" rather than just "I feel powerless."]
Next: Finally looking around, the first—and only, besides the trees—thing that I saw was him. [Hyphens to dashes.]
Next: He should have been dead. [Verb tense issue again.]Next: Before my astonished eyes, he instead stood up, pretentiously brushed off his hands, then turned his eye towards the totaled car. [Added "instead." Felt it was needed here to emphasize that there was a contrast between her expectations and what actually took place.]
Next: *How is he alive? What's going on?* [Italicization needed for these to be thoughts. If you don't want to do that, then the verb tense needs to be changed to past tense:How was he alive? What was going on? ]
Next: I was stuck under a seat, and I couldn't see anywhere but to the side, where the window used to be. [Changed "anything" to "anywhere."]"
Next: I began to shake, both with fear and also using it to look for a loose area to free myself from. [This line doesn't really make sense to me. The trembling/shivering of a person out of fear is far milder than the actions you'd expect of someone trying to wrest themselves free. And it'd probably be more accurate to say that they were shaking the surrounding objects rather than shaking their own body. I think you would need a stronger verb if she's trying to extricate herself from the wreckage, like "jerk," "writhe," etc. Or you could say that she was shaking or rattling the wreckage itself. I don't see simple shaking from fear as being strong enough to help you free yourself from a car accident.]
Next: When he glimpsed my look of horror of his approach, he threw his head back and laughed...which is when I realized: Holy crap, I can't hear anything! [Changed capitalization and spacing.]Next: *OK, think rationally. Calm down, make a plan...1, breathe in, 2, breathe out, breathe in.... Oh, my God, he just reached the car!* I moved more and thought I could feel my fingers. *Thank God!* Wiggling them, I knew I had a possible out. If only I could on earth the rest of my body! [Italicization issues; in-story thoughts need to be distinguished from the narration. Also, multiple exclamation points like that are to be avoided, and using text-talk is a huge "No." The two exceptions are if quoting an actual text exchange between characters, or if your character is one of those types who would actually think and talk out loud in text-speak. In other words, would she actually say "Omg" out loud, or would she say what it stands for—"Oh, my God"? And if the former is the case, that needs to have been made clear from early on. Otherwise, it just looks like you're using text speak in place of writing out the words normally.]"
Next: That is when he did something unexpected. [Changed "this" to "that." "This" would be more appropriate for present tense. As in, "This is when he does something unexpected." But this story is told in past tense.]
Next: In the scary-movie clip running in my brain, I figured he'd stab us all or bring out an ax/chainsaw combo. OR: In the scary movie clip running in my brain, I figured he'd stab us all or bring out an ax/chainsaw combo. Punctuation here depends on meaning. The former means that it's a clip from or in the style of a scary movie clip. The latter example means that it's a movie clip that is scary.]I don't know what he did on the other side of the car, but on my side, I saw him crouch down near the driver's seat and lean his head in. [Apostrophe in "driver's seat" was missing.]
Next: I stared, forgetting for moment to trying to escape, as I saw the...the...impossible. [Capitalization issues.]Next: Only, instead of a rivulet of water making a slow drip down his face, it was blood. [Added comma after "only." ]
Next: Trying to take my mind off of whose blood that was, I instead formulated lists for what *he* was. [Changed italicization here.]
Next: *He's some psychopath who thinks he's a vampire. Or maybe he's a cannibal, oh God.* [Italicization & capitalization.]
Next: *A...vampire. What else could he be? He's far too composed to be on drugs, I think. But should I jump to that conclusion? If he's a vampire, then....* I almost threw up as my stomach violently heaved at the thought. [Italicization of thoughts. Spacing after ellipsis.]
Next: The idea was a block of ice; it spread through my veins and crystallized everything. [Loved this line! My edit was simply to combine the two sentences into one. I think it flows a little better that way, especially when you take into account the surrounding sentences.]"
Next: I finally let the floodgates open and wondered.... *Did he suck my family's blood?* OR: I finally let the floodgates open and wondered.... Had he sucked my family's blood?[Capitalization and italicization.]
Next: Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have accepted that so easily—but that day was far from normal; the events and my gut said it was the truth. [Hyphen to dash. Verb tense. Linking of independent clauses. Don't forget—you could change the semicolon to a period and make them two separate sentences.]
Next: The stuff of legend, the creature who waltzes through time forever young, was real. And had, for whatever reason, chosen us. [Verb tense.]
Next: That same nagging voice in my head said it might be my last. [Changed "the" to "that," "may" to "might."]
Next: *Right? I hope not. But I'll take whatever I can get at this moment.* [Italicization of in-story thoughts. The alternative is to change the tense to make it fit with the narration.]
Next: When I opened my eyes, ready to face anything (or so I told myself), his face was directly in front of me, elongated yellow fangs at the ready, smeared with a red liquid I didn't wish to contemplate. [Added space before opening parenthesis. A space goes before the opening parenthesis, and the closing parenthesis is to be followed by either a space or a mark of punctuation (only if a mark of punctuation would normally have been placed at that point in the sentence. Examples:In that case (not that I would've rejected the offer anyway), I guess it's a deal. My new boss (Brian MacMillan) gave me a raise just five weeks after I joined the company! ]"
Next: They say the eyes are the portal to the soul.... His, beyond the irises, were pitch black, like whatever remnant of a soul he had to have been. [Because the first sentence spoke in plural terms—"eyes"—I made the subsequent sentence maintain the plural, speaking in terms of both eyes rather than a singular eye. Additionally, there was the phrase "had must be." It took me a bit to figure out where you most likely got that from—it appears to be a splicing together of "must be" or "must have been" with "had to be." In any case, I removed and replaced it. And one final note about that section...black is the normal color for irises, so it doesn't seem particularly telling or noteworthy that he would have pitch-black irises.]
Next: My rush of confidence vanished as quickly as it had come when he leaned in and ran a finger down my face, from my forehead to my nose, lips...stopping at my neck. [Changed "came" to "had come." Changed capitalization and punctuation, shortened ellipsis from five periods to three. Added "to," as the from/to pairing was needed in this case.]"
Next: I wanted to be on good terms with whomever was on the other side. [Changed "whoever" to "whomever." It's helpful to think of "whom" & "whomever" along with the other pronouns that go with it. Same with "who."Who/WhoeverHeShe TheyWhom/WhomeverHer HimThemI wanted to be on good terms with he/they/she? Nope, doesn't work, so saying "I wanted to be on good terms with whoever was on the other side" doesn't work either. And in this case, the word you're looking for is serving as the object of a preposition. "With" is the preposition. Let's try this: I want to be with him/her/them? Yep! Those work. It tends to take a bit of sentence rearranging, but this is how I'm able to tell whether to use "who/whoever" or "whom/whomever" in a given situation. Here's another example, with more rearranging needed: He's not the one who I spoke to on the phone earlier. (Is this right?)I spoke to they/he/she on the phone earlier. Nope, wrong.I spoke to them/her/him on the phone earlier. Yep, right! So, "whom" is what I need here.He's not the one whom I spoke to on the phone earlier.]
Next: As I was imagining my funeral, the most unexpected thing happened. [Changed verb tense.]"
Next: In a flash, the vampire and the hand on my throat disappeared. [Changed order of vampire and hand. The vampire's disappearance is more major and important than the hand's disappearance—indeed, it's the reason for the hand's disappearance—so it should be mentioned first. The exception would be if you were going for a specific effect. For example: The hand on my neck suddenly vanished...as did its owner. And I should mention that going for an effect like this also suggests that this is the order in which the things are noticed; she noticed or felt the absence of the hand, then realized that not only had the hand left her neck, but the vampire himself had also left the area. This perspective would make sense if her eyes had been closed at the time; she feels that the hand is no longer there, and then opens her eyes and realizes that the vampire himself has left the premises.]
Next: About to pass out, I saw him being dragged into the woods by someone. [It appeared that you meant "into" here, so that's what I wrote. The original version said "in." And if the latter is actually what you intended, I would recommend making that clear by using a different word, like through. "I saw him being dragged through the woods."]
Next: At that point I realized how severe the oxygen-to-brain situation must have been. [Verb tense.]
Next: I couldn't see above his nose; the hood to his cape block the upper part of his face. [Changed comma to semicolon.]
Next: The world turned a color.... I couldn't identify it, but it wasn't what it should have been. [Verb tense again. However, you can keep "can't identify" if she specifically means to say that, even to this day, she can't identify the color she saw.]"
Next: As I slipped into the darkness, two hands pulled me out from under the seat and gently placed me on (what I assumed to be) the side of the road. [Changed spacing around parenthesis. By the way, I don't think the parenthesis themselves are particularly necessary here, but I'm fine with keeping them.]
Next: I felt so sleepy...the dark had never looked so peaceful. OR: I felt so sleepy.... The dark had never looked so peaceful. [Spacing and capitalization changes regarding ellipses.]
Well, I hope you find my input and edits here to be useful. Good luck!"
Network with this winner: AhsokaJackson
1st runner up: GirlsCanRockToo
2nd runner up: Tegan1311
Final Author's Note: Non-provided
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Author #2: Gadsdy
Book Title: Tink and Peter
Specified Chapter: Chapter 1: Birth of a Fairy
Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A
Author's Note: Yay I'm finally spotlighted! It's so exciting!
Question 1: Do the discriptions in this chapter pull you in and make you feel like you can see the characters or is something lacking?
Question 2: This is a Peter Pan Fan fiction but Queen Esmintu is my OC. Do you think that she is a well developed character?
Question 3: Is there anything in the chapter that seems redundant or contradictory to a previous part of the chapter?
Thanks for reading everyone!
Genre: Fan Fiction/ Fantasy
Rating: PG
Winning Comment: Congratulations on the spotlight! I love your writing style, it's so... cozy? It's just right for a fairytale, though I suspect from the length of the book that it's not going to be a simple fairytale haha. Tink & Peter are like one of my Disney OTPs, so I'm really excited to read this.
About the comment topic (character), so far we don't have many characters to work with, and I'm not quite sure who the narrator is (I thought it was third person in the beginning but then "I" and "we" appeared), though whoever it is I like his/her tone, adds a lot to the cozy atmosphere. I can imagine the story being read by a grandma to eager kids in front of the fireplace! The only impression I got from the main character Tink (can't tell a lot about her yet since she was just born) that she doesn't seem to be very happy about her fellow home fairies looking drab, so perhaps she's a lover of beautiful things and cares about style? It's an interesting aspect about her and I'm curious as to what it is about the smaller section of home fairies in the end that displeases her so much.
Onto the questions!
Descriptions: I love it! There sure is a lot of information but you presented them in such a cozy homey way that it doesn't seem much like info-dump. Reading about how different worlds work, especially how people are classified, is super fascinating to me. I'm wondering if the personalities have anything to do with how the fairies are classified (like Hogwarts houses), and already wishing there were some sort of personality quiz which I can take and will tell me what kind of fairy I am and where I should work lol. Because I really like classifying things, including myself!
Queen Esmintu: I love her name! It rolls off the tongue so nicely. Besides that she doesn't seem to stand out very much, perhaps she'll get her chance to shine in later chapters? I like how she's not all proud and mighty likelike a lot of queens seem to be in fairytales; she seems more like a nice nanny who sews things for charity and loves to matchmake lol.
Contradictory parts: I noticed none. And that's great because I can imagine with a world as elaborate as this there's bound to be some along the way... but so far your world seems coherent and makes sense, while being dreamy and imaginative at the same time, and I'd love to know more about it!
Network with this winner: Mamoritai
1st runner up: AmeVicky02
2nd runner up: The3dreamers
Final Author's Note: Non-provided
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Author #3: PackerBacker2
Book Title: Careful
Specified Chapter: 4: Practically the Gordon Ramsay of this Place
Summary Thus Far in Book: War veteran and personal trainer Tyler is given the opportunity to train two teenage boys for a global survival show called InterSurvive. Along the way, he'll learn from (past) mistakes, see the truth behind one of the boy's behavior, and gain inspiration from the two to try and enter InterSurvive as a contestant.
Author's Note: First and foremost, a huge thanks goes to and the entire team at NBR. I can't thank you all enough for this exciting opportunity, and I am honored to be part of such a fantastic contest as this. Secondly, I'd like to thank the members here. I've become a much better reader and writer (no joke!)thanks to all of you! In addition to that, your welcoming and kind personalities make NBR that much better!
And now, for the questions:
1. Tyler is supposed to be a war veteran damaged by his past, and therefore he's cranky and not the nicest person in town. I want to know if he's a realistic enough character, and if he has a distinctly angry, male tone.
2. I included some of his past in this chapter. Is chapter 4 too early to start introducing his past?
3. Lastly, I'd like to know your opinions on the two boys(Derek and Mark). I've had some people say they're cliche. What's your take on them?
Of course, additional remarks and advice are always welcome!
Genre: Action, General Fiction
Rating: PG-13 (language throughout)
Winning Comment: Stephanie says*: !GORDON RAMSAY ROCKS! (When he's not yelling at people angrily for making raw scallops or burnt risotto in H3ll's Kitchen ;) )
Okay, now we can get started ;DDD
*Comment Topic* (Characters): We'll briefly touch on this since a few of your next questions go into depth about this, as do our answers and suggestions. We feel that with a bit more detail, feeling, and character development, your characters will really strive to be as realistic as possible. We're certainly not saying that they're not realistic already--heck, when we read, all characters become real in our heads because the four of us love that ability to shine an imagination world and blend it with reality so that there's this surrealness to everything--anyways, ALL characters are real once you write about them. It's just a matter of to what depths they reach to, and what heights they soar to when it comes to personality, feeling, and traits. (Which we'll get to next).
Is Tyler a realistic character? (How can you add/shine his distinct male voice?): Well, we thought his voice was really strong. What we liked, and what we'd suggest you keep doing so that you're aware and can keep doing those awesome things:
1. At one point you put in italics, 'Calm.' That really showed that he was trying to be calm, that SHOW vs. TELL.
2. We like how he's quick to anger, based on what he's been through and how that accentuated his backstory. There was a good contrast fusing together there. :)
3. We liked how the other two characters added to his feelings. It wasn't just him being flat out angry like, whenever; he was realistic in his reasons for being angry.
4. There was this drift, this parting from who he was with to when he was alone where we could clearly tell he was a grumpy man. And here are some of the things we'd suggest, things that, as always, you can take or leave and do what ya like with them:
1. We felt as if as if he was distorted. We couldn't see Tyler very clearly, and during his flashbacks we couldn't feel his determination. It seemed quite vague. One way you could improve on this is to describe his feelings...if nothing else. All that anger is swirling up inside of him and this is a first person point of view. Leave the things around him as you've already written them out to be description-wise and really take time to pinpoint those feelings during the flashback especially and when he's mad on Saturday at Mark and Derek.
2. Frustration is quite an important emotion when you're writing. It has to be realistic and blend into your character, then pour OUT of your character when they decide to release it. In Tyler, we didn't necessarily feel that frustration. Just some short dialogue tags that were well written, but you may want to delve deep into that line of emotion. Frustration can come out in so many ways: Tears, crying, praying, drinking, eating food, punching pillows. We caught snapshots of this through Tyler, but don't be afraid to go a bit deeper! So other than those two things, we felt he was quite the realistic character. :) Is Chapter 4 too early to start introducing his past? You're the author; you decide. It's YOUR book. There's no rule against how early you can start introducing Tyler's past...or any past, for that matter. And if you think about it, who really makes up these 'rules' of writing? The four of us like some pretty rocking authors out there that own the writing world with their stunning words and electrifying plot-lines, but they didn't make any rules.
There's no official glowing scroll that says: WRITING RULE NUMBER 432: THOU SHALT NOT START INTRODUCING A CHARACTER'S PAST TOO EARLY. So you decide! If you want the backstory there, go for it! If you want to start introducing Tyler's backstory in Chapter 432, do it! (Dude, that would be a seriously loooooong book though ;)) What are our takes on the the two boys? Hmm...we didn't get to know a lot about them, seeing as this was the fourth chapter and it wasn't a long one. We can tell that Derek and Mark aren't so good at the whole training-thing but are getting there, and they seem a bit smug to us. We have this growing suspicion that they'll talk to Tyler and that Tyler will eventually grow to love them., though :) We're quite excited for what rollercoaster they'll bring Tyler on, though : )
*Grammarly Things*: ."Exceeding the expectations was -and still is- my prime goal." This is an utterly small thing but we just thought it was worth mentioning. Hyphens are usually done with two dashes: (--). ."So?..." Try "So...?" *When Derek is talking, right after Tyler leads them over the rope dangling from the ceiling. *River Rapids*: ."So, I'd run another one." For a good sentence flow and an abrupt sharpness to his voice, consider taking out the comma after the word "so." ."Then, I head over to the beat up couch..." A comma seems a bit awkward after the word 'then' because he's doing something right after it. Consider taking it out. "It's been a well deserved treat, for sure." That was another sentence that felt a bit awkwardly phrased. Maybe if you left out the 'for sure' and just say "It's been a well deserved treat."
We love your character's voice. Referring to your question above, we can clearly see and feel his anger. "I lead the gang over to a rope dangling from the ceiling..." Would it really be a gang if there are only two people? Consider the word 'duo' or 'twosome.' The term gang invokes many people involved. *Speakers in Crime*: ' "What the heck is wrong with you?!" I'm flat out raging now. ' Consider adding a bit of description here, describing how he's angry. Show and don't tell. SHOW the anger; write about how it courses through his veins and edges swiftly on the heir of his lips and causes his heart to become electric. *Other writing stuff and suggestions*: .Dude. We love the ending to your chapter. "I might just have to start." The term makes us tingle with wanting to know what's gonna happen next!! .We felt that there was a bit of an overuse of commas. Try going back and reading the story out loud--to your cat, to your floor, that picture on the wall you only just noticed ('cause you pass by it every single day and it's just like, fused into your wall). Pay attention and you'll catch those commas! :) .Your grammar was awesome! Great job on that! .
Consider going on a deeper level of description throughout the chapter. Not too much, but just another coating of it over the chapter. Don't dump, we'd suggest, the details on their, rather weave them into the plotline. .Your plotline kept us quite interested and held our attention.
Okay, we'd also like to apologize that this is super late--it's been quite a hectic week for all of us. (Good hectic, not bad :) ). But we're really glad we got to read your story! Man, you've got a really awesome talent for writing and this story is radiant and shines with excitement and a thrilling plot. Keep on writing, please please please, stick with writing and this story and we can't wait to see where this story will take you in the future! :D
Okay, we're done now. Just: K E E P U P T H E W R I T I N G! --
♥Clary, Rachel, Stephanie, & Alison
Network with this winner: GirlsCanRockToo
1st runner up: the3dreamers
2nd runner up: RutherJake
Final Author's Note: After one incredible spotlight week, it's time to get back to the grind. I received a large amount of comments that were all so helpful! It was quite the challenge to pick only three winners. The feedback will do wonders to the entire story. As I have said many times before, I really appreciate the quality feedback you guys have given me! Thank you once again, and thank you to the and the team for giving me this awesome opportunity.
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