^crappy quality but words cannot describe how much I love this picture omg
Song: Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy {So you're gone and I'm haunted / And I bet you are just fine / Did I make it that easy / To walk right in and out of my life?}
--
{unedited}
February 22nd, 2014 {19 weeks, 5 days}
"So, are you excited for this baby shower?" I ask Callie, grabbing a couple of shopping bags out of the car.
"Yes, I'm excited for it to be over. My feet are killing me and I still feel so nauseous," she groans, leaning against the car.
Despite her obvious discomfort, I can't help but laugh a little. "I know exactly what you're talking about, having been through that three times before these two. It may be overwhelming, but once you hold your baby in your arms, all of the stress and problems you went through melt away." I find myself reflecting back on the times that Aubree and Luke were placed on my chest shortly after they were born. However, with that reflection, comes the haunting thought of the possible end to this current pregnancy.
Callie rubs her stomach and looks at me. "Is it going to hurt?"
I kick the car door shut before turning to her to answer. "Now I'm not going to stand here and lie to you, okay? It hurts like hell. There isn't really any way to describe it to someone who has never experienced it before, other than that."
We both begin doing somewhat of our pregnant waddle toward the adjacent building. I keep my laugh to myself when I picture both of us walking because of our buns in the oven. I'm used to walking like this, but here lately, Callie has been complaining about being uncomfortable. She says things like her belly being tight or even hurting sometimes. All I can do is just encourage her to keep going, because there really isn't any other option for her.
Callie begins to tell me her worries about labor as I listen intently. However, her monologue is interrupted when Andrew appears from behind the front doors. He jogs over to us and immediately takes the shopping bags from me.
"I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Callie, and that is to take it easy," he scolds. "Surely your doctor has said the same thing."
"Andrew, I am pregnant, not helpless." It bothers me when people try to do things I can clearly do myself. Circumstances may be a little different than what has been in the past, but I can still do things. "Thanks for the help," I add, making sure my previous comment wasn't as harsh as it sounded.
Instead of responding, he just nods and walks back inside.
I glance over at Callie, and she is smiling toward the doors he disappeared behind. I've seen that look on her many times before, and all of them have involved Andrew each time. It's funny how I used to have so many reservations about their relationship, but they are a lot stronger than they would probably care to admit. They are certainly a whole lot stronger than mine and Paul's relationship. If that weren't true, he'd be here right now, but he's not.
The fact that he is not here is not his fault. For one, he is filming, so of course he wouldn't be here anyways. Even if he weren't filming, he still wouldn't be here. I have a feeling that if he wasn't in Atlanta for Fast and Furious 7, he would be in Hawaii surfing with Vince.
I stop in my spot, but Callie continues to walk past me. Only when she realizes I'm not following does she turn around. "Are you coming in? Everyone is probably waiting."
"You go on in. I've got a phone call to make," I smile briefly, pulling out my phone before she can say anything else.
If she notices anything off, she doesn't mention it. "Alright, just come in when you are finished!" She grins, her mood polar opposite of what it was just a few short moments ago.
Once she enters the building, I find a bench nearby and dial Paul's number before I can talk myself out of it. It starts to ring, and I can feel my heart rate speed up because of it beating wildly in my chest. My palms begin to sweat, something that doesn't normally happen. By the fourth ring, my anxiety is through the roof.
My hopes of talking to my husband are extinguished when his voicemail picks up. On the bright side, it is nice to hear his voice, even if it's just a recording.
Hey, this is Paul. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you.
The following beep signals that the recording has begun, and I am a little confused on what to say. Once I get an idea, the words just start to fall out of my mouth.
"Hey, I don't know if you're filming or purposely avoiding my call, but I just wanted to say a few things. I miss you so much. Every fiber of me is craving you in every way possible. I miss the way you'd look at me and the way that our love is imperfectly perfect. We have things to work through, but we need to do it together. I don't know how much time I may have," my voice cracks as tears threaten to fall over the rim of my eyes. I try to hold them back, but the tears make me angry. "Look, I know you're mad, but you don't leave the people you love alone." I bite my tongue to keep from saying any more bitter words. The last thing I should be doing is putting the blame on him.
"You need to know something. No matter what happens from this point on, I'm still going to love you. Even if you aren't capable of letting me do that. You're in my heart, Paul. I love you. What you choose to do with this voicemail is up to you, but you'll always have me, and I'll always want you no matter what you decide."
I end the phone call, uncertainty floating in the air whether I will get an answer to my voicemail or not.
While I could stay outside and wait for something that may never come, I choose to go back inside and participate in today's events. Callie did ask me to be the godmother a few days ago, so it is better for me to be present for such important things.
--
Halfway through opening gifts, I can feel myself zone out a little from the party. My phone has not buzzed once, which means that Paul hasn't replied to the voicemail. On one hand, he might not have listened to it, but considering the situation, it's more likely he has and just doesn't have anything to say.
I have been put in charge of writing down everything Callie gets and who it's from, so she can write personal thank you notes for everyone.
Andrew is on gift duty, which details him grabbing the gifts off of the table and bringing them to Callie. It's pretty obvious that he is uncomfortable with the opening of gifts since everything is for their baby girl. Of course, all he wants is for the baby to be healthy, but I can tell he's having a tough time smiling whenever a frilly dress is pulled out.
I've laughed a couple of times at his reaction, to which I received a dark look. He is such a guy, so it makes it even funnier. To be quite honest, it might not be as bad for him if he had a fellow man to help get him through this. Cody and Caleb are here with Felicia and Stephanie, but they are sitting in the back, away from all the cute baby girl stuff.
If Paul were here, I would make him sit up front close to me, just so I could watch him try to force a smile over something cute. Memories of my baby shower for Aubree try to creep into my mind, but I must force them away to focus on the task at hand.
Callie begins to open a gift that appears to be full of all the baby essentials, such as diapers, baby wipes, bottles, and washcloths. She tells me that it's from Cheryl, who unfortunately couldn't be here today due to a meeting about the divorce.
The divorce has hit this family like a freight train, even though most of them do not want to admit it. It's a topic that's on everyone's mind, but it's not one to be talked about. Of course, it's harder on their kids, seeing their parents divorce after being together all of their lives. The older grandkids, like Meadow, understand it, but I can tell it's difficult for her too. The whole situation with her father and I probably doesn't help any, but I am determined to change it.
In the middle of all the hustle and bustle of baby shower gifts, I look up to see Cody stepping into another room, his phone at his ear and a concerned look on his face. Curiosity gets the best of me, and I find myself standing up out of my chair.
"Where are you going?" Meadow asks.
I hand her the list of gifts I had been writing down. "Can you take over for me real quick? I'll be right back."
She nods and takes the list from me. "Yeah. Is everything okay?"
There was no way to know if anything was wrong, so I'm not lying when I tell her, "Everything is fine. I'm just going to check on something." I give her one of my most genuine smiles before excusing myself to make my way to the back of the room where Cody had disappeared.
My path to the door Cody had entered is blocked when Caleb steps in front of me.
"Doesn't the godmother of the baby need to be involved in all the festivities of the shower?" he asks, eyeing me suspiciously. It's clear to see that he's distracting me, so the phone call must be important.
"Who's on the phone with Cody? Is something wrong?" I look Caleb in the eye, making sure not to miss a single change in his expression.
He opens his mouth to say something, then shuts it quickly. I nudge him, trying to get him to tell me. A look of defeated crosses his features, followed by a heavy sigh. "He's on the phone with Paul. I'm not sure what they're talking about, but it was obviously important enough to leave the room over."
So, Paul is talking to Cody right now, which means that he has probably listened to my message, and he is choosing to ignore it. Rather than let myself be hurt over it, I focus back on what could be so urgent. "Thanks, Caleb. I promise you won't get in trouble for this." I attempt to make my way around him to follow Cody's footsteps, but Caleb steps in front of me again.
Caleb's jaw clenches and he purposely avoids my eyes. "I'm sorry, Sierra, but I still can't let you interrupt the conversation. Cody said so, and I'm not going to let you through."
Seriously, what is so important that I'm not allowed to walk in on? Cody is talking to my husband, and I am determined to get in on it so I can talk to him too. The thought of Paul being hurt turns my stomach and makes my heart lurch. "He's not...he's not hurt, is he?" I ask in my small voice.
My brother-in-law's eyes widen and he quickly shakes his head no. "God, no. Paul is completely fine. One hundred percent healthy, I swear. Sierra, please go back and enjoy the shower. If you need to be told about what's going on, then I'm sure either Cody will tell you or Paul will call."
He pats my shoulder and turns me back in the direction of the festivities.
Defeated, I make my way back to the crowd that is now gathered around Callie to watch her open gifts. I take my place next to Meadow, and she hands me back the list with a smile.
--
After a long day filled with nothing but everything baby related, the kids and I make a quick stop by Cody and Felicia's. What Caleb said earlier still stands out prominently in my mind, but I cannot stop thinking about what could be going on. I would stay out of it, but it is approaching the one month mark of Paul leaving home. Aubree asks about him every day, and I know that Luke is missing his father's presence.
This radio silence needs to come to an end.
Meadow helps me get her siblings out of their car seats. I slightly jump in surprise when I feel little arms wrap around my legs.
"Aunt Sierra!" The sound of Elizabeth's little voice makes me smile. She will be turning four next month; it amazes me how fast time flies, especially when you become a parent. It seems just like yesterday that Sophie showed up pregnant on Paul's doorstep, claiming Paul to be the father of Elizabeth. Just that thought of my sister is enough to make my stomach turn.
"Hey, sweetheart." I bend over to kiss the top of her head, holding Luke tightly in my arms.
Both Cody and Felicia are standing on the front porch. "Didn't we just see you guys like, twenty minutes ago?" Cody jokes.
Meadow sticks her tongue out at her uncle. "Yeah, you did, but Aubree kept begging to play with Elizabeth more so here we are." She looks over at me and smiles. Of course, that's not the real reason we're here, and somehow I think she knows that.
I write a mental note to fill Meadow in later. Even though she is fifteen, the things she has been through at her age is enough to probably qualify her as an adult. Besides, it is unfair to her to leave her in the dark when things are very serious at the moment. For now, I turn my attention back to the situation at hand.
Felicia grabs Cody's hand and they step aside so we can come in. "You guys come on in! How does some ice cream sound?" She grins when Aubree and Elizabeth both cheer in excitement.
Once we are all inside, Cody shuts the door. Felicia and the girls all go into the kitchen to get some ice cream, leaving Cody and I alone in the entryway while I'm holding Luke.
Before I have any chance to say anything, Cody starts first. "Okay, let's get it all out now. I know you're not here just because Aubree wants to keep playing with Elizabeth. Caleb told me about you trying to find out what was going on at the baby shower."
A heavy sigh escapes my lips, and I shift my weight onto my other leg to balance out the weight of Luke. "Is it that obvious?"
"Yeah," Cody chuckles, crossing his arms. "It kinda is."
"Okay, good. Now we can avoid all of the awkward beating around the bush. What's going on? I called him before the shower started and left a voicemail. Clearly he's ignoring me and I get it but it would be nice to hear his voice." A lump in my throat begins to form, but I try to swallow it down to avoid crying. I've done enough of that; right now I have to be strong for the kids.
He motions me to follow him down the hallway. We walk into one of the spare bedrooms, and Cody shuts the door behind him. I sit down on the bed and let Luke sit in my lap. I can't tell what kind of expression is on Cody's face, so I don't know how this conversation is going to go.
"Well-" he begins, but he is cut off by the sound of my phone ringing. I pull my phone out to see who it is, and surprisingly enough, it's Jordana. I look from my phone to Cody, and he says, "Would you like some privacy?"
I wave off his comment. "No, no. It's fine. I'm sure it's nothing." Secretly, I am hoping that Paul's phone has died so he is calling me off of Jordana's, but the odds of that are slim to none. "Hey, Jordana. What's up?"
"Hey, Sierra," Jordana's sweet voice floats through the phone. "I've been meaning to call you for a while now. Do you have some time to talk? It shouldn't take too long."
I cover the receiver with my hand. "Could you step outside for a second?" I smile at him when he obliges and does as I ask him to. "What do you want to talk about?"
"Well, I hope that I am not overstepping my boundaries here," she pauses to take a breath, "but Paul and I have been talking about your situation over dinner recently. Now, I won't disclose the things that he has said to me in confidence, because it should stay private. But I will say that he's trying, Sierra. He's trying really hard to forgive you for not having the abortion, and he's trying hard to forgive himself for the way he walked out on you."
My breath feels like it is caught in my chest. He feels guilty for leaving? "I'm not sure I understand that last part."
"He knows that he shouldn't have walked out on you the way that he did. Despite what you've probably been thinking over the past couple of weeks, Paul loves you. It's eating him alive that he might lose you, and he doesn't know how to handle that. Like I said, he knows that it was wrong to just up and leave things the way that he did."
Hope begins to fill every part of me. Maybe the silence between us will come to an end sooner than I thought it would.
Jordana continues, "However, that being said, he is still pissed about the situation. He's having to learn how to cope with it."
"You know I really appreciate you calling me and telling me these things, but I have to ask. Why are you telling me?"
Jordana takes a moment to answer. "I'm telling you because Paul doesn't quite know how to say this to you yet, and I think that's why you two aren't communicating. You're doing the right thing by letting him come to you, though. He has to think things through before he acts."
Although I wish I could talk to Jordana more about this, I also have to talk to Cody. "Can I call you back in about an hour or two? I'm at Paul's brother's house with the kids."
"Yeah, sure. We're all supposed to go out to dinner tonight so I will try and see if I can get anything more out of him. Just give me a call back," she says, the tone of her voice shifting from serious to cheerful.
I end the phone call with Jordana, and turn my attention back to Cody. "So, what's going on?"
Cody stuffs his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "I'm not entirely sure that I should be telling you this. Nothing is for certain."
I readjust Luke on my lap. "Tell me anyways. This is my family we are talking about, and I'm desperate to keep it."
He stares at me for a couple of seconds before he shakes his head and moves to sit next to me. "Paul may have found somebody."
My breath catches in my throat. He couldn't be serious, right? I know we've not been talking for a long time, but he would never do that to me or our family. "What do you mean he's found somebody? He's cheating on me?" I ask in disbelief.
"No, no! That's not what I meant at all!" Cody takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of his nose. "What I meant was Paul has found someone who thinks they can fix the situation."
I nudge him. "I still do not understand. What situation? Just spit it out, Cody."
"Paul has found a doctor that could save your life, along with the twins' lives."
--
{If you guys didn't catch it, the brunette Paul was with in the last chapter was Jordana. So, you can all breathe, Paul isn't cheating :D }