Open When...(Paul Walker Fanfiction)

Letter #11: Open When...You Think You're Losing Me

So I don't know if you guys knew but today (October 30th) marks 23 months since the accident, and I've just been an emotional wreck all day because of it. I miss you so much, Paul.

Btw, happy early Halloween!! Enjoy the picture of the pumpkin that I carved on the side lol. What are you guys dressing up as? I'm going to be Captain America lmao. Follow me on Instagram @makaylabrooke15 to see a picture tomorrow! And add me on snapchat @makaylabrooke15 because I like snap chatting people and I want to interact with you guys more!

Song: Halo by Beyoncé {Everywhere I'm looking now, I'm surrounded by your embrace / Baby I can see your halo / You know you're my saving grace}

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January 6th, 2014 (13 weeks, 0 days)

"Do you have your lunch money, Meadow?" I ask her, frantically looking around for my keys. It's Meadow's first day back to school and I never thought I'd be so disorganized. Usually Paul would be here in the morning rush, but he has been staying at the beach house since New Year's. We haven't talked at all since our fight, even though I have tried multiple times to get him to talk to me. I don't blame him, though. I'd be mad at me too.

Meadow walks up to the kitchen island and waves my keys in front of me. She is carrying Luke's car seat and Aubree is right beside of her. "These were on the dining room table."

I smile and take them from her, but she doesn't reciprocate the smile. In the back of my mind, I know that the only reason she's staying here at the house is because Paul isn't allowed to drive yet. If he could, then she would probably be staying at the beach house with him. "Okay, let's go!" I walk around the island and grab Aubree's hand, leading the way to the front door. Meadow takes Aubree the rest of the way to my car as I lock the door.

"I don't want to be late on my first day back," she says, a hint of malice in her voice. I brush it off, trying to not let that bother me.

"We will get there. I'm surprised you're so ready to get back," I mumble, buckling Aubree's seatbelt as Meadow buckles Luke's. We get into the front seat and I start the car. I hope this doesn't turn out to be a silent car ride.

She sighs as I pull out of the driveway. "I just want things to get back to normal, like it was before Dad's accident. Everything is just so different and there's so much going on. I hate it. I feel like going back to school will put things back where it needs to be." Meadow pulls her phone out of her purse, signifying that she doesn't want to talk anymore. So much for having a conversation during the ride to school.

I press the volume knob on my car radio, turning it on. Instead, my CD player is on, and the song 'Do You Wanna Build A Snowman' from Frozen comes on. Aubree loves the song and the movie, so the squeal that follows after the first couple of music bars doesn't surprise me.

"Mommy! Turn it up!" Aubree yells.

Of course, I turn the music up, and my little girl is as happy as she can be trying to sing along. It makes me happy inside to see her singing in her car seat, but Meadow's words still linger in my mind. This family is cracking from the inside out, and I'm the only one who can repair it, because all of this is my fault. I accept full responsibility for the things I have done to hurt this family.

Paul was right about everything he said during our fight, and I'm going to make things right. My abortion is scheduled for the middle of next week, on Wednesday. Like Meadow, I want things to get back to normal. For over a month now, I've longed for the days where I'd be woken up by my husband and my children, just like the day of the accident. I've dreamed about the days that I'd fall asleep in his arms, right in the place where the world isn't so cold and I know that I'm truly loved.