Open When...(Paul Walker Fanfiction)

Letter #14: Open When...You're Scared

Picture on the side of Paul and his grandma June, along with his sister Amie. Paul and June are both angels in Heaven now 😇

Song: Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park {When my time comes forget the wrong that I've done / Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed}

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{unedited}

January 15th, 2014 (14 weeks, 2 days)

Stepping into the steaming shower, I turn my back to the water so the heat can work out the tension in my muscles. The day I've been dreading for quite some time is finally here, and I'm not sure how I'm going to get through it. Of course, part of me wants to back out from this abortion and fight the odds to survive. I'm a strong person, and strong people always make it through adversity. However, trying to get through this pregnancy would end up in losing the people I care about most. That's not something I'm willing to go through.

There isn't a day that I can imagine or let alone want to live where Paul and I are separated. I know what it's like to be apart from him, but that was when we weren't married. My husband means the world to me, and he's one of the reasons that I'm doing this today. I have to keep telling myself that or else this day won't end well for the both of us.

At this point, I don't think I'll back out, even though I want to. The question is, how am I going to be able to survive this emotionally? There will be an ultrasound done before the abortion, so I will get to hear those two heartbeats before they are ripped away from me. That sound will haunt me for the rest of my life, reminding me of what could've been but never will be.

To make matters worse, Paul will not be there. No, I don't blame him for not being able to be there, but I'm still upset about it. We are married and losing children like this is something we should be going through together. He doesn't seem to be all that affected as much as I am about this, but for all I know he could be hiding it from me. The possibility of that seems very low since every time we talk about the babies, his entire demeanor changes. I've learned not to bring it up much.

I turn toward the water in the shower, trying to let the water wash away all of the emotions I'm harboring inside. The less emotion I feel about this, the better my heart will be able to handle it. Besides, if Paul doesn't feel anything toward the children I'm carrying, why should I?

The water mixes with the tears falling down my face, so it's hard to distinguish between the two. I know I can't feel that way toward the two small lives inside of me. They did nothing wrong and it's not their fault that I have to end their lives. If anyone is to blame, it's Jake and Sophie.

The shower curtain is pushed back, making me jump a little. Paul and I have shared a shower since he came home, but this time is different. I turn to face him. He has the smallest smile on his face and little water droplets are already starting to cling to his hair and skin. Once again, I'm reminded of how beautiful this man is, not only just on the inside but the outside too. I wrap my arms around him and lay my head on his chest. I need him, now more than ever, but he won't be there.

"Are you okay?" he asks. "You seem a little off." His arms wrap around me as well, with his hands resting on the small of my back. The calm beat of his heart is soothing to my nerve-racking thoughts, but it doesn't stop them completely.

I might as well ask one more time if he can go. "Please tell me you can be there for the abortion. I don't want to go through this alone. I need you."

He sighs heavily, and I know his answer just by that. "Sierra, we've already talked about this. You know I'd give anything in the world to be there with you. The meeting with Universal is something I can't get out of. Callie said she would go with you."