"You bitch!" I yelled as Grace came through the door. "You're fucking using Ash!"
"What the fuck Flora?"
"Yesterday you called him a 'good fuck' like is that all he is?" I demanded. I was furious.
"No, if you remember I said how lovely he is after," she said calmly.
"I had to ask! You just said he's hot and a good fuck, I had to prompt you into telling me more!"
"Fuck off Flora."
"That boy deserves the world, not someone who's going to fuck him to make herself feel good and then leave."
"Bye," she walked out of the dorm, slamming the door and leaving me shaking in anger. Then I started pacing.
Am I overreacting? Grace isn't like that, she wouldn't use Ashton. But she did just say how he was a good fuck and she was ready to drop it...
I shook my head, determined to get the voices out of my mind. But they got louder, as if encouraged by my fear of them.
You've just lost your best friend by making false accusations, you idiot. You've fucked up another relationship, why do you expect people to love you if you act like this?
By this point I was crying, tears readily pouring from my eyes.
Do it.
The voices had control of me, making me walk to the bathroom.
*trigger warning*
I rummaged through the cupboard, trying to find what I was looking for. I pulled out a box of blades, ready to be fitted in my razor for shaving. But I wasn't about to use them for that. I picked one out and set it against my wrist.
Press it into your skin. Remember how good it felt to have all your pent-up emotions leaving your body.
I sliced my wrist, once, twice, three times, before collapsing against the bathroom door, crying harder. I grabbed toilet roll and pressed it against my bleeding wrists, trying to stem the flow of blood.
You deserve that for being a bitch to Grace when she did nothing wrong.
I singled out a voice in the masses, belonging to Michael. I knew he'd never say that, but I wasn't thinking rationally. I choked out a sob as I listened to my boyfriend's voice telling me I deserved to be in pain, that I was stupid, that I was worthless.
Suddenly, a clear thought came through the voices. I realised I had to put on music louder than them, so I went and put on Missing You by All Time Low. I focussed on the words, listening to Alex telling me to 'hold on tight, this ride is a wild one' and my tears stopped coming as easily. I quickly bandanged my wrist, dried my eyes and put on a bit of makeup.
I checked my phone.
Michael C(era): you know that coffee shop we went a few weeks ago please can we go again like now ill pay?x
I composed a quick reply.
Meet you there xx
I pulled a hoodie over my bandage and left the dorm, making my way to the coffee shop I knew Michael was talking about. I arrived and looked around for Michael's distinctive red hair, but I couldn't see it anywhere. Suddenly, a pair of hands came over my eyes and Michael whispered in my ear.
"I have a surprise for you but I'm not sure if you'll like it." He took his hands off my eyes and turned me around. I looked at his not red hair in horror.
"But it was so beautiful," I said. Then I realised his new hair colour was equally gorgeous, it was a mixture of pinks and blues to make a galaxy style colour. "Okay, you get away with it this time."
"Good," he relaxed. "Come on, food." I laughed and followed him over to the counter.
"Cookie and lemonade please babe," I said, reaching for his hand and squeezing it. He ordered and we wandered over to an empty booth. We were sat talking, me mostly admiring his new hair, when I decided I was too hot and, without thinking, took off my hoodie. He instantly noticed the bandage.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Fell on it awkwardly in dance," I made up an excuse.
"Can I see how bad it is? Just to see if I need to take you to the doctors or whatever." I shook my head frantically. "Why not?"
"It's not that bad," I lied. He frowned and took my wrist gently, unravelling the bandage. He took in the cuts lining my wrist and looked up at me, his face a mixture of shock, sadness and sympathy.
"Why baby?" I felt tears rolling down my cheeks and I wiped them away, but they were quickly replaced by more.
"I had a fight with Grace," I said quietly, and he came amd sat next to me, holding me and letting me cry into his shoulder. My cries stopped with my breath, and I looked at him in terror.
"Breathe baby, you can do it," he said, his voice calm and constant. "Shh, it's okay." I took his hand, trembling, and focussed on the way his long fingers intertwined with my short yet thin ones. My breath came back and I gasped.
"Why do I keep having panic attacks?"
"I don't know babe but they'll go away," he promised. "But please, tell me if you want to hurt yourself again, I don't want you doing it again because it really breaks my heart." I nodded.
"I did it when I was like fifteen for more than a year but I've been clean for years until today," I told him, my voice shaking slightly.
"And you're going to be clean for a long time again." I kissed him softly, then laughed slightly as I saw the waiter standing with our food out of the corner of our eye. I broke the kiss and took the food from the waiter, tucking in to my cookie as well as stealing a handful of crisps from Michael's bag. He took my hand, rubbing the back with his thumb, and I relaxed, comforted by his touch.
*****
i said a few chapters ago that i was gonna start doing a song of the chapter but then i never did oopsies
today's song is girls/girls/boys by Panic!
Fallon2000 pressured me to upload again bc shes mean but also my wifey for lifey so go check out her stories
gute nacht