"I decided to tour you in a breathtaking place. You deserved it for helping Jessica. Thank you very much." I am starting to despise that name. It's the name that I am trying to remove out of my head. Not that I want her gone for good, maybe just for a while. It devastates me to know that he feels obligated to tour me around just because I am Jessica's defense attorney. He's being nice and just returning the fcking favor.
"It's fine. Thank you for the meal but this is the part where I go by myself. I want to complete some things I made on my list. Thank you very much, Ethan. I appreciate the lunch." I smiled at him and stood up to leave but he caught me by the hand. I looked at him and his face is serious enough it startled me.
I swallowed hard. "Why are you avoiding me? Why?" Then he stood up, towering me with his height. His perfect facade just blinds me and he really stands out in this crowded diner. His blonde hair is perfectly brushed and his eyes are just perfect with his hair color. They're so blue it feels like the ocean is drowning you.
"I... just want to tour you around. It's not that-"
"Ethan, stop. Please." He massaged his temples and dragged me out of the place. He just stood there and keeps on massaging his temples. I don't know what's his problem. Okay, I thank him with all of my heart for helping me out earlier this morning with alcohol poisoning. It was immature of me.
"I am going now. Take care and say hi to Jessica for me. I'll see to it to watch her performance on Wednesday. I promise." I said.
"Why do you keep on avoiding me? We were friends, right? You're the one who broke up with me so there shouldn't be anything wrong with this. Unless... you still love me that's why you keep on avoiding me." I have to admit, I was definitely caught off guard. I am trying to catch my breath but it seems that my lungs are filled with frustration.
I can't breathe. "N-no. Be reasonable. I am a grown woman who wants to tour the place alone. I am a huge fan of self-discovery, thank you very much."
"But you're not yet familiar!" He said.
"That's why I'm gonna learn the place! God, Ethan. You're stubborn, you know?" I said and he snorted. The people are looking at us.
"Maybe you're just intimidated. I know you are. You might still be harboring forgotten feeli-"
"Okay! Okay! Good lord, Ethan! Now bring me to that place you keep on telling me. God this is insane. Your false accusations are driving me mad!" Then he turned around facing me and smiled. "Good" he responded.
He removed his navy tie and grey suit. He unbuttoned the first top buttons of his shirt and wore his wayfarers. He always loved wearing wayfarers ever since then and it's like a sign that he's driving.
And I'm not wrong. He handed £200 to the driver, telling him to use a cab.
No, I can't be alone with Ethan. This is suicide. Abort mission! But of course I can't because it would seem that I am still affected- which is true - and that can't happen. I have to stay strong. I pulled my hair in a ponytail and sat in the front with Ethan and put the seat belt on.
I can smell his expensive perfume. Damn, he really smells good. Never once in my life he smelled bad or like sweat. He has the best grooming habits that no one can surpass. He's that meticulous.
"Where are you taking me?" I said.
"A lot of places but first i have to bring you to Buckingham palace. It's a tradition for first timers here in England." He said while calmly driving around in Londo in such a crazy way. He's a rough driver ever since and that's the reason why I usually drive myself back then.
"Okay." I said.
"Okay? You don't talk much, Aria? Do you hate me or anything? 'Cause I don't. I can't hate you and that sucks for you. I am just not that kinda person." He said while smiling. I looked at the traffic jam in front of me. Large red double-decker buses are in front of us with tourists flashing their cameras on the sceneries.
I used to dream that too. I pictured myself with Ethan in that bus. How I wish I was really there with him.
"You wanna ride the bus?" He suddenly asked. I quickly recovered from it and answered. "It's fine, I prefer the car."
"But that was in your bucket list, right?" I don't know why my throat ran dry. Maybe because i couldn't find the words to answer him back. I awkwardly shifted on my seat to face the window.
"It was childish. I threw away the list. Anyways, I've grown." But I never left the past. I can still feel the same Aria in Law school who used to love Ethan so much it kills her.
"I know. You became very stylish and beautiful though, I don't see any changes on your appearance. You look youthful." He said and he found a good parking space near the Buckingham palace. Before he opened the car door, he took a camera bag at the back seat and got out. He was about to open the door for me but i opened it first, making it feel awkward for him to be standing near the door.
"I'll take photos of you. Come on, I'll send on your mail." He said and I frowned.
"No. I'll use my phone instead." I said but he just pulled me in the gate near the guards and made me smile awkwardly and took a snapshot. I saw him smile looking at the camera screen.
"That's enough." I said while covering the lens with my hand. He just giggled and walked where the Chinese tourists (probably Chinese) are and tried giving them directions because they seem to be lost. He smiled sweetly at them and walked back to me.
"They wanna know how to go to the local markets so I helped them. Wanna go? I wanna bring you to Bath." He said.
"What? That's like a little far from here, Ethan. That's ridiculous." I said and his eyebrows crook.
"How do you know that?" He asked.
"I am an avid reader of British novels that's why I know. You know what? This is insane. I am gonna tour the place by myself so just go home. I'm gonna be fine. I can manage." I said.
"You're trying to find ways to drive me away. I didn't do anything wrong! Why are you like this?!" He asked. If i could just run to you and tell you everything. I can't and I won't.
"Did you tell her? Did you tell her that I was your girlfriend for whole fcking seven years? Did you tell her I broke your heart? Did you tell her that you used to love me? I feel like lying to her, Ethan! Now, do you see what's wrong?!" That had taken him aback. He couldn't find the words to reply back.
"I... won't. She would be very insecure, Aria. She's already insecure with you. Her father admires you and her mother believes that she should be at least be a little like you. She would hate you and probably think you are stealing me away."
Bullsht.
"Then stop this. Stop it. I am not thinking of stealing you away. I want a normal life away from all the pain. I need to be alone. I want to tour this place myself. You just don't get it, do you Ethan?" I said, trying to hold my tears.
"But we're friends, Aria and i don't hate you. Let's just be friends. I don't remember cheating on you! You just broke up with me because I was dead drunk and high. You left me because of my flaws. I didn't hurt you. You hurt me but it's all in the past." He said while holding onto my arm.
"No. I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I hate you. You remind me of things I shouldn't and I hate it. You clearly just remind me of my stupid self." He swallowed hard and couldn't find the words to reply back to me.
"You regret you ever loved me? Is that it? But you broke up with me."
"I did because you're not enough! You don't understand my career goals. You push me to your posh parties that i can't connect with! You wanna change me that's why I broke up with you. I found peace with Michael and that's how I wanted to live my life. I loved you but that wasn't enough. You just want closure. I will give it to you."
His face just remained stuck there; full of questions. I no longer want to open up the wounds I stitched up myself. I don't want to.
"Yes. I need it but for the love of God stop acting this way! You act like I am still affecting you! Well, do i? It's not like what i did to you was that scarring for you to hate me this way. I don't understand you. Maybe you're just too complex for me. Maybe you're just too smart for me."
"You have no idea!" I ran away and tried to get away as far as I can. I randomly rode a bus. I just sat there crying at the back where no one could see me.
I got out on the next stop, forgetting to pay and randomly walked around. I have no idea where to go then rain started pouring and I quickly ran to a nearby café.
God, Ethan. You'll be the death of me. I just don't know how to get over him. It sucks that I still have to face him. Then my phone started ringing. I quickly turned it off. I don't want to be found.
I went to a local coffee shop and ordered a cappuccino. I sat by the window and stared outside. I used to dream myself and Ethan, walking the streets of London while holding his hand. I used to imagine Ethan's scared face at the top of London Eye. He's kinda afraid of the heights so it would be funny to witness his fright atop.
But those are just memories and memories are always buried in a chest. Chests are used to store things from the past and when you open them, they make you remember things.
It's been always my dream to be with him whatever it takes but maybe we aren't just meant to be. He was born for someone else and she made him the best version of himself. I can't make him that way. When he was still with me, he forgot how to become a dreamer. He got so comfortable that he forgot about the real world. He forgot what makes the world tick. He forgot what dreams are made of.
Maybe if he was still with me, he's still that carefree Ethan who just doesn't give a fck at the world he lives in. His world will only revolve around me and that's not fair for him.
Also, I have something hidden in that chest that I can't face. I will never face that part of my memory.
I finished the cup of coffee and I went out. The sky is dark and the sun is shy. How can I finish my touring if the rain just wanna cry? How? I felt fatigue on my feet. It seems that the world is against me seeing this majestic city.
I took out my phone and took a snap of the amazing street where the coffee shop is located. I uploaded it on instagram so Michael would know that I'm enjoying my stay here in UK. As far as I can remember, I haven't enjoyed the place yet to myself.
I walked until I reached a street full of shops that sell food. They have cheese, wine, meat, herbs and everything. The stall that sells blueberry tart captured my interest.
The old lady greeted me. "Is there anything you like, Miss?" She politely asked.
"I'll have two of those, please." I pointed at the freshly baked blueberry tarts. She smiled at me and put them in a small red box.
I handed her some cash which I thankfully have since I remembered to have them exchanged at the airport yesterday.
"Are you alone?" She asked.
"Uhmm... yes." I said.
"There's an amazing place in here where you can write letters to Juliet. You will write whatever dilemma you face in love and she will help you with it." She said with her face gleaming of delight.
"Juliet as in Juliet Capulet? In Romeo and Juliet? I thought it's only in the movie? I saw that film with Amanda Seyfried." I said while biting in the tart.
"No, dear. It actually exists. You just have to write it down and you will feel that heart of yours slowly getting lighter. It's located at the end of that street near the bus stop." She smiled and I walked away.
I can't write a letter to Juliet. I just can't.
She might just lose her head to whatever it is that's haunting me for the past six years. She might even burn my letter if I send her one. Juliet might tell me to move on with my life and completely bury the past. It's not even a story worth to tell.