CHAPTER 38
NICOLLE'S POV
Right.
Just because Zelle wasn't here, doesn't mean I shouldn't wake up on time. I opened my eyes slowly and complained about everything wrong in the world, like expecting you to go to a birthday party where you hardly know everyone after three or four hours of sleep. Ok fine, I'll say last night was a good night. It was a blast yeah, and well, a little awkward. Anyway, I had to get up now.
I checked the time and saw it was already almost 7:30 P.M.
Two words: Oh shit.
I hurriedly got to my feet and went straight to the bathroom tripping over food and a lot of other bunch of stuffs on the floor. I brushed my teeth, took a short shower and dug some clothes. And for the final touch, I brushed my hair. I checked the time again. 7:38. Not bad but I'm still gonna be late.
Ok, what was I wearing? What was I wearing? I looked at myself in the mirror. Keep it casual, I remembered Luke saying. Ok so, tattered skinny jeans, a plain white shirt and blue Chuck Taylors. Perfect. My typical outfit.
I got out of my room and checked the home phone for any messages and sure there was one. My heart sank when I heard Andrew's voice saying he couldn't pick me up. Fuck. Now, I should go over Luke's alone. It's 30 minutes from my unit in a car and about 45 minutes in public transportation. Oh I'm screwed.
Luke personally threatened be that if I'm late tonight for his party, I'm gonna be messed up for life. But I didn’t believe him. What’s he gonna do anyway? Chinese me to death? Pft.
I got my phone and typed in, "Sorry. I'm gonna be late. Happy Birthday!"
Sent.
I didn't get any reply. I wasn't expecting one anyway since he's all too busy tonight. And aside from that, I wasn't expecting any knock on my door tonight. Andrew said he wasn't going to pick me up so... Well, maybe he changed his mind. I went straight for the door.
The moment I opened the door, I kissed his cheek and smiled. "I thought you weren't gonna pick me up?"
He didn't move. And slowly, I came to realize that he wasn't Andrew. My eyes widened as I immediately let go of his arm. "Oh,” I croaked. “I’m so… I’m sorr—“ I gulped. “—y”
I closed one eye as my toes started to curl in panic. “I thought y-you were Andrew."
He smiled weirdly at me as he scratched the back of his neck. He awkwardly scanned me but before he could say anything, I noticed his outfit.
"Blake, why are you wearing a long sleeved polo shirt? That's a bit semi-formal-ish."
He looked at me like I grew a second nose. For what seemed like forever, we just looked at each other. There was something wrong, I'm just not sure what it was.
"Semi-formal diba?" he asked me (more like informed).
I slapped my forehead lightly. "Oh sorry. I'll just change, ok? Why are you here, anyway?"
He checked the time then looked at me. "Pinapasundo ka ni Andrew eh."
I nodded. "Oh. Can you...err, wait? I'm just gonna change."
He replied with a nod and we both stepped inside.
He closed the door and suddenly, I felt even more uneasy. I felt even more nervous. Plus, my insides were panicking as butterflies of all sort floated around in my body. He sat down the couch and I practically ran to my room, leaving him with the words, “Sorry about the mess.”
Tripping over multiple times (again?!), I opened my closet and looked for something other than baggy jeans, sweat pants, plain shirt and ragged-looking clothes. I grunted and decided to find a dress. This was what I hate the most about socializing and parties and those kinds of stuffs, people—including me—are expected to wear something formal. And I hate being formal. I mean, the dresses? The gowns? The high heels? The glittery bags? And the curly hair? I don’t think I was born for that.
Stop, I thought. You’re just rambling because Blake’s here, I reminded myself. Just keep it cool, Nicolle.
I smirked at myself. Right, as if I could keep myself cool when my ex-boyfriend was here to pick me up. My ex-boyfriend which I still have not got over with.
My eyes caught sight of the freaking girl in the mirror. I grunted and said, “Focus, you moron! What the hell are you doing?!”
Out of the blue, I heard a male voice shout, “Okay ka lang dyan?!”
I slapped my forehead and looked away from the mirror as I replied, “Yeah. I’m good,”
“If you leave, I should have been better,” I added, whispering to myself.
I went back to looking for dresses or anything that would look good for Luke’s birthday party. Ok, so, I have two dresses here and both were bought by Blake. One for Kirsty's birthday and the other for… No, actually, the other one belonged to Zelle.
Not a second later, I found this skirt and grabbed it. It’s not like I had any other choice, right? And besides, I was running out of time. Now, I gotta find a top that would suit this gray skirt and... BINGO! I saw this pink fitted tank top. I wore the skirt and tucked the tank top in. As for my shoes, I think my white Keds would do.
I blew my bangs up and wore my glasses. I stepped out and saw Blake still sitting on the couch quietly. I blew out a breath and called his name out. He diverted his attention from nothingness to me and his eyes widened just a tad. Oh shoot. I forgot to look at myself in the mirror! Stupid. Stupid.
I smiled at him in an odd kind of way and he smiled back. He stood up and walked towards me. My feet got stuck on the ground, somehow.
"You look great," he complimented. I mumbled a thanks and before I could walk past him, he blocked me.
My heartbeat doubled. It's been too long since he was this close to me. I don't think I'm still used to it. I looked away from him and pursed my lips. My feet were again stuck on the ground and my stomach was turning upside down. When I finally looked at him, his expression was serious. His face was too close to mine. Slowly, he removed my glasses then smiled.
"Better," he whispered, his air sweeping across my face, his voice making the hair on the back of my neck stand to the end.
I needed to step back. That was the most logical thing to do, but, seemingly, this spot right here became my permanent place. I could not side step, I could not step back. Heck—I could not even think normally! It was just too much. Blake was just too much. He was too close for my liking.
I had to get my personal space, back.
Crap, Nicolle. Get a serious grip!
Just when I thought Blake being so close was starting to blow up my mind, and my body and my heart—and my sane—I was wrong. The next thing he did was quite heart dropping. He moved his head closer to mine as he tried to kiss me. Of course, I knew it was wrong so I looked down immediately. I knew better than this. I knew we shouldn’t do that. I could not afford to mess up, again.
Not even when I wanted to… just for that one touch.
I thought about Andrew and all seemed defogged. I took back my glasses and wore them. "We should probably go." I didn't look at him. I stepped out and while he wasn't there, I sighed in relief. I almost couldn't resist that.
We walked silently to his car and drove away. The atmosphere was painfully quiet and awkward. I would look at him every now and then at the mirror and catch him glancing at me. When I felt like I should say something, the words slipped out of my mouth like a fish slipping out of water. Death-defying.
"Tracy... comes...not?"
I held my breath for a few seconds before hearing him chuckle. That's when I felt a little at ease. I chuckled along with him. "Hindi siya pupunta eh."
I nodded. Then, yet again, the eerie stillness occurred. I turned the radio on and guess what? Guess what was on.
Hiling by Silent Sanctuary.
It was the first song that we danced to. That time, in the parking lot, when I saw him cry for the first time. And it was because of Tracy. Oh, wow, life, thanks.
I was not even sure how I was able to remember that. I mean it was so obvious that I was the kind of person who forgets everything that happened even just two or three hours ago and then BAM! Suddenly, I remembered something that happened many months ago.
I had a mixed feeling of discomfort, regret, guilt and sadness.
My left eye twitched uncontrollably and when I was about to turn the radio off, he pushed my hand away, blandly. "Ssshhh," he told me.
He pulled over. I looked at him as he started to sing, "At hihiling sa mga bituin na minsan pa sana ako'y iyong mahalin. Hihiling kahit dumilim ang aking daan na tatahakin patungo sa'yo."
I turned the radio off. He looked at me with sad eyes; mine were already teary. It was all too painful. And that was an understatement.
“Just stop, okay? Stop singing that! Stop singing that for me! Stop asking it because I could give in anytime. Just—“ I bit my tongue to hold back the words that could be a whole lot worse.
“S-sorry,” he apologized.
“H-hindi ko naman alam na magagalit ka eh.”
“You’re not Blake. You know why? Because you’re not happy. And Blake Perez was always happy. He didn’t give a damn shit about the world. He didn’t care.”
“I used to be like that,” he said, quietly.
We both kept our gaze on the dark, empty road.
“Then we broke up,” he added.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to tell him things will be alright. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to tell him that I was not the one for him. I wanted to tell him that he would find another girl way better than me.
I looked out the window and sighed. "Let's just go," I said calmly.
Couldn't he feel that the more he does this, the more I wanted to come back to him? And I couldn't even though I badly wanted to.
We drove away again and the only thing in my mind was last night.
It was around four in the morning and everyone, but me, was sleeping. The movie was still going on but I wasn't paying any attention to it. I was leaning lazily on my seat with my eyes closed. I tried to but I couldn't sleep. Maybe I just needed some stretching.
So I stood up and stretched my muscles then sat down again. But nothing happened.
A few minutes later, while I was complaining on how hard it was to catch sleep when you needed it the most, "Nicolle," I heard someone called. I looked at Andrew but he was still deep in his sleep. Then I realized whose voice that was.
That was Blake's voice.
I didn't answer. I stayed quiet and prayed silently that he wouldn't call again, but I was just really not fate's favourite kid. "Alam ko gising ka pa," he continued.
I sighed. I mustered all my courage to croak out a little, "Hey."
"Kumusta?"
I closed my eyes and leaned my head on the backrest of my seat. I breathed shallow but steady breaths that went along with the melody of my heartbeat. I squeezed my eyes tighter. My fingers curled as I resisted the urge to run to him and tell him how much I missed him; tell him how much I still love him despite everything that happened.
But I couldn’t say that. I shouldn’t say this 'cause it's wrong. And knowing that it's wrong is what gaps me from him. Knowing what’s wrong is what kept and keeps me from telling him how I feel.
He spoke again and his every word weighed a ton on my heart.
"Ang dami kong ik-kwento sayo pero hindi ko alam kung saan ko sisimulan. Siguro pagka ok na talaga tayo."
He paused.
"Namimiss ko na yung mga dati nating ginagawa noon. Namimiss ko ng tawagin ka ng Amgirl. Namimiss ko nan a tawagin kang bunny boo. Namimiss ko na na tawagan ka ng hatinggabi para sabihan ka na matulog ka na. Tapos aawayin mo ko over the phone. Namimiss ko ng sabihan ka na wag kang makikipag usap sa ibang lalaki."
My heart sank when he paused. Please don’t stop. Please don’t stop, I wished.
"Itutuloy ko pa ba? Madami eh. Sobrang dami kong namimiss."
I pretended to snore as I couldn't take any more of this. Maybe I could pretend that I don't hear him just like how I pretended that I don't love him anymore. This was what I got, a complicated mind. One second, I wanted him to continue, and the next, I pretended I was not hearing him.
"Hindi ka naman naghihilik ah. Fake lang tulog mo." He laughed and the burden in my heart just doubled. "Look, gusto ko lang sabihin na...”
I love you million times more than anything, I mouthed.
“I love you million times more than anything, bunny boo. I still do.”
He paused.
“And I always will,” he finished.
I love you million times more than anything, too.
I still do.
And I always will, Fuzzy Jujubear.
Pain.
Pain.
Pain.
"Million times more than anything,” he repeated.
I sniffed and bit my lip. I let the tears go down. My fingers started to dig deeper in my palm as I tried to tone my cry down. "Thank you," was all I could say. He didn't say anything after that and neither did I. I can't breathe. My chest hurts. My head hurts. Everything. Everything he said broke my heart into million pieces.
Could we still?
I was brought back to life when I realized that we were already on Luke's. Without leaving any words, I climbed out of the car and went inside. It was only my second time here but I already feel comfortable. Maybe because Luke was so dear to my heart.
Andrew was waiting for me at the main door. I smiled at him. "Nice suit," I commented as my smile slowly turned into a scowl. "Now, why didn't you pick me up?"
His smiling face turned into an apologetic look. "Look, I really am sorry. Cars were at the shop. And I definitely can't take you in a motorbike now, can I?"
I sighed and gazed at him sharply. "But, why Blake?"
"Because," he held my shoulders and nodded towards Luke. "—he couldn't."
I removed his hands from my shoulders and rolled my eyes at him. "Andrew, we live in the same building," I reminded him.
Just before he could defend himself, I noticed Luke standing beside us, scowling at me. "Late ka." He shot me a death glare which I returned with a sweet innocent smile.
"There you are," I said, desperately trying to change his mood. I gathered him in a bear hug and greeted him, "Happy Birthday, Luke. You know that I love you to bits, unless you break Krungy's heart." I let go of him and kissed his cheek.
"Ok, fine, sure. Whatever. Pero pwede bang pumasok na tayo?" he asked, slightly irritated by the fact that we've been practically dodging to avoid people who were entering. And his funny, immature facial expression earned a chuckle from both Andrew and me.
Luke led the way. Arms linked, Andrew and I followed. While walking down the hallway, people were looking right at us. Probably, the Andrew-Nicolle-Blake-Tracy issue hadn't yet died off. And it had already got into every end of my every nerve.
I tried to be civilized to people by smiling at them everytime I caught their eyes on me. I was not one to ruin a great Luke Sy party now, right? And you know what's funny in this party? It's that people wear a semi-formal outfit when the party is not any more than just like a night in the club.
It was no different from the house parties I’ve been into back in New York.
It was so loud and the hall was filled with the popular people I don't know names of. When Andrew and I couldn’t find any good place to fit in (actually, Andrew could fit in any place, I couldn't), he suggested going to the garden where he doubted people would go there. Of course, I agreed.
We made our way through the jocks and cheerleaders and all the anti-nerds and possible bullies. Let's sum it up to 'people who worship their popularity'. Right, I wasn't saying that I hate all of them. It's just there's no particular person here I like. Well, except Andrew here, Krungy there, Luke there and Blake there.
The walk to the garden was silent between Andrew and I but not in between us and the background. God, people here couldn’t tone it down. There were unending giggles of girls, shouting of boys, bumping of glasses, opening of bottles and the constant 'whooo-ing' of everyone when they love the music flying out of the gigantic speakers. And half of the population was jumping.My ears were bleeding. And for the love of chips, I felt so dizzy.
Finally, after an experience of hell, we made it to the garden. The garden was...whoa. I thought the school garden was the most amazing garden I've ever seen. This garden was a million times more beautiful and it's the understatement of the century.
I let go of Andrew's arm as I turned around with my mouth hanging open. The garden was like made by a garden goddess. It was bordered by trees where different lights were hanging. I could make out a pool and a playground and a glass house at the far end of the room. And different kinds of flowers were scattered on the ground. The grass reached up halfway through my legs. This reminded of that meadow Andrew set up for me a couple of months ago.
Simple and breath takingly beautiful.
Ok, so, maybe that's enough of the description.
Andrew took my hand and I was glad he did because that was my cue to go back to life. We walked silently towards the large, cold pool. I removed my shoes and together we dipped our feet in the water.
"You're beautiful, by the way." His compliment made me blush. I haven't blushed in ages.
I looked at him and held his hand.
"Thanks," I blurted out.
In the back of my mind, I was thanking him not because of what he said but because he was always there to save me from pain everytime. It's true that he couldn't take away the entire pain but he had always tried to pull some part of me away from it. He had always been there for me. And I had always been guilty for not being able to do things like that for him; for not being able to love him like he loves me. And I feel really terrible.
He kissed the top of my head and I leaned on his shoulder. Suddenly, I couldn't take it anymore. I cried. He put his arm around my shoulder. He made me feel secure. He made feel comfortable.
"Andrew, Blake...I think he still loves me." I held his hand tighter. "Is that okay?"
Stupid, I know. It's just so plain stupid.
"That's okay," he responded. I could almost hear his pain. He knew. He knew that I still love Blake; that I was not over him. My tears continued to flow down my face. I chewed on my lips.
"If you're ready, you can come back to him."
I looked up to him with tears running down from my eyes. It was such a quick and sudden shift of emotions, I know. But hey, what can you expect from a whiny, crazy, pathetic girl like Nicolle Lee?
Through my weakness, I reached up to kiss him. He kissed me back. It was full of pain, of hurt, of selflessness, of sacrifice. It was full of too much sacrifice. It was a kiss of goodbye and we both know it.
"I'm sorry," I said once I let go of him.
"I'll give you some time to think, okay?" he offered, kindly.
I nodded in reply. He stood up and my eyes followed his retreating figure. Before I could lose him from my eyes, he turned around and smiled at me.
"One last favor,” he shouted.
I stared at him painfully.
"Always remember me."
And soon enough, I was alone, unable to move; unable to speak; unable to feel anything but frailty and guilt.
I stood up and went somewhere I thought quieter. The rooftop. I've never been there but I got a feeling I would have a nice time there. I made my way through the same set of people. The maids greeted me well as they already know me. One of them even led me to the rooftop.
The moment I stepped in, I took in the view and breathed in the smell. The rooftop was lit up by one too many lights. Then there was this bench. I walked towards it and sat, aware of the fact that it was a bit scary and I wasn’t really focused and prepared in case a psychotic axe-armed serial killer attacks.
On the bright side, perfect silence at last. And the view was good. Nothing compared to the garden but it'll do. I could see from afar the busy streets and the busy people walking down the busy streets or driving in a busy car during this time of the night when people should be resting in their own houses.
I closed my eyes and suddenly, someone tapped my shoulder. I jumped out of the bench and instinctively kicked the possible psychotic axe-armed psychotic killer. I prepared myself in a fighting position, knees bent, fists in front of me and ready to be an Angelina Jolie like action babe.
When my thoughts cleared, I saw the guy hugging his manhood with both of his hands, whilst stifling a scream. I looked around and saw a golf club nearby (though I really don't understand why a golf club ended up here but I was thankful anyway) and picked it up.
I was ready to attack the guy but he raised his hand. "Stop," he shouted.
So I did but I didn't dare let go of the golf club.
"Hey, it's me!"
I scrutinized his face. He stood up straight still clutching to his manhood like it was the source of his life. "God, what's wrong with you?!" he asked.
His eyes were squinty. He was good looking. He was tall. He was somehow familiar but who the hell was this guy? "Who are you?" I shouted as I gripped the club tighter.
He let go of his balls and shot me a look of disbelief. "You don't remember me?" he asked, seriously. He stepped closer to me and I stepped back. He rolled his eyes. He grabbed the club and threw it away. "Hello! It's me Junichi! We met before."
I shook my head.
"You trespassed in our house."
I shook my head.
"You stayed at our house for a night."
I looked at him like he was crazy. What the hell was this guy talking about?! I studied his features one more time. He really was familiar.
"Junichi—“ he pointed at himself. “Sachiko, my sister." he said. "You mean, you don't remember?"
Even the names sounded so familiar. I stepped closer to him. He looked at me quite expectantly. Just then, it dawned on me. Yeah, Junichi and Sachiko Aono. I know. I remember them. I met them! I just don’t know how. How the hell could I forget? How could I be so stupid to forget?!
"Yes, yes. Junichi. I remember." I smiled at him and hugged him which he gladly returned.
We sat together on the bench.
"Man, you sure you ain't a taekwondo expert? Because you're one hell of a kicker!"
I laughed at his sheepish expression.
Before I could speak, though, someone shouted, "Junichi Aono?"
We both turned around and sure enough, Blake was standing there with a full blown smile on his face. Junichi practically ran to Blake and tackled him with one of those bro hugs. "Hey, Blake! How are you, man? Been so long!"
"I'm good. You? Sachiko? Reika?"
I shook my head. Oh they know each other, alright. Life really is just a big coincidence. Wait, did he just say Reika? Reika? Andrew's ex? Is Reika an Aono? Reika is Junichi's sister?
This was insane! I wasn't even over the fact that Junichi and Blake know each other. And now, I learned (by myself) that Reika was Junichi and Sachiko's sister. Wow, I thought.
Meanwhile, both of them were laughing and catching up and having a hard time believing that it's really both of them. It seemed like hours when they finally realized that I was still here.
They walked towards me. I tried to avoid an eye contact with Blake which turned out to be the exact opposite. A little smile graced my lips as he looked at me again.
"So, Blake, this girl right here—“
"We know each other," we both said at the same time.
Junichi nodded slowly.
Yep. We know each other. In fact, we know each other a lot.
The silence was broken by a ringing phone. Junichi took his phone out and excused himself just to leave me alone with Blake. Not one of those awkward times again! I groaned internally and complained mentally as to why this had to happen.
I sat down the bench and so did he. I looked straight ahead and listened quietly to the sound of crickets and the faint voice of Junichi talking over the phone. And our breaths, of course. Our breaths which meant we're so damn close to each other.
"So, magkakilala pala kayo," he said breaking the ice in the process.
I nodded and looked at him. "Yes, I just don't know how we met."
Worry crossed his face for a split second and I don't know why. I looked away from him and locked my eyes on the darkness and lights ahead. Out the corner of my eyes, I could see him staring at me.
Damn it! What's taking Junichi so long?! I have to get out of here.
"Meron pa ba?" he blurted out, out of the blue.
I looked at him, slightly confused. "What?" I asked.
He smiled at me. "Meron ka pa bang nararamdamang saya pagka kasama mo ko?"
My voice was somehow lost down my throat. I blinked a few times because what he asked was really shocking. I would say yes but that would give us both a hard time. I would say no but that would be hurting him and me. That would be a suicide. I tried to rake my brain for more possible answers, but nothing. I guess it was one of the simplest and most complex questions that I have ever heard.
He put his hand on top of mine and I could do nothing but stare at our joined hands. Shit, where the hell's Junichi? The excruciating and definitely pain in the ass awkwardness of this moment made me want a black hole to swallow me whole.
I gulped and made a quick decision of leaving this uncomfortable state.
I was just a second away from standing when Blake held my hand tighter, effectively stopping me. I glared at him only to see that he was smiling, staring at the space in front of him.
"Ako kasi sobra. Sobrang saya ko pa pagka kasama kita."
He looked at me for a moment.
"Pwede bang makinig ka muna sakin? Kahit ngayon lang."
I looked down and held my breath for a few seconds.
"Last week narealize ko na nagpapakatanga lang ako so I broke up with her."
I was perfectly shocked with what he said. Isn't it last night, Blake and Tracy were all over each other at the movie house? I couldn't believe he was saying this. It's just really...strange.
"Noong naging kami ulit ni Tracy, dapat masaya ako diba? Kase, kase yun naman ang deal naten. Then mission accomplished. Dapat cino-congratulate mo, ko kase nagawa ko. Napabalik ko si Tracy. Pero hindi eh. That's not the case. Sobra akong—“
"Stop. Stop it,” I ordered sternly, without looking at him. I couldn't look at him or I would see the pain. And I would have to start again trying to forget the fucking pain! Why was he making this so damn harder every fucking time?!
I stood up and started walking away with tears lining my eyes. But the pain was far beyond the tears. It was him. It was only Blake that could only give me this kind of hurt. Or this kind of tears.
This kind of love.
I stopped walking when he shouted my name. I tilted my head on one side and held my breath.
"Pwede bang tayo na lang ulet?"
I breathed out and ran away; ran away crying. I ran away until I bumped into Andrew. Here he was again. Comforting me. Taking the pain for me. Saving me.
He smiled at me then gathered me in a hug. "Are you ready?" he whispered.
I didn’t mind the noise around. My cry was above it all. He let go of me and half walked half dragged me towards the rooftop. I smiled at him still crying so hard. I held his hand for dear life and shook my head.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
I tried to kneel down in front of him but he stopped me and hugged me instead. He kissed my forehead.
"I love you, Nicolle,” he said to me. His voice was obviously weak and hurt and sad and I was the cause.
I caused him pain. I caused him so much pain and I hate myself for that!
He let go of me and walked away. That's when I noticed that Blake was standing in front of me.
I counted to calm myself down.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Blake Perez.
I forgot everything else.