The thing I hate the most in hospitals is the smell. The smell of disinfectant mixed with nebulizer kills me and that is the main reason why I hate it. Currently, I don't have a say in anything since for the second time I collapsed. Michael was indeed outraged when he learned I skipped a meal and only had three hours of sleep. It's not like I chose to be sleep-deprived and starved. I don't have much choice because I was dealing earlier with Mia Donovan's lawyer, Atty. Wright. He's very good man but he clearly stated that he won't lose to me. We made this a simple kind of sport and that's how we lawyers roll.
The male doctor along with a female nurse came inside the room and brought a mini metal tray/basket containing different types of syringes and some liquids in small bottles. I shifted my head on their direction. God, another thing i hate about hospitals is the needle. The feeling of the needle piercing through my fragile skin is beyond painful. My body's pain tolerance collapsed.
"Hi." I said, though I know how dry that sounds.
"Atty. Aria Addison Park, right? Dr. Edwards sent me here for blood testing and chest x-ray. Call me Dr. Hughes Mike is my dear friend. He clearly said that you are a smoker-heavy in fact. Right now, I don't see any complications which is in fact good but you are developing signs of Asthma. You will need inhaler every now and then to keep you breathing and you have to quit smoking or else you will lose your way to breathe. You must've noticed you tried catching your breath many times. Right?" He smiled and he already knows I do and I don't like it when people tell me I'm wrong. That was such a long monologue and i hate monologues.
I exhaled. "Yes, that is correct. I will stop smoking and thank you very much for your assistance. Michael did make sure to give me the best assistance." He smiled and the nurse took out the god forsaken syringe. He took a metal clipboard and wrote something down. I hate needles.
The nurse started drawing my blood. I winced at the pain and she immediately apologized. Though I wanna terrorize her, I am out of energy right now so I just remained silent. If I'm just a feeling a little well, she would kneel down to beg for my forgiveness.
"You need a LOT of supplements from now on. Skipping meals is not an option and please, I know you're stubborn but listen to me. You don't wanna die, right? We almost lost you that I had to... intubate you. Please, will you just stop dying?" He asked and I remained silent. Do I really wanna die? It seems like it. I don't eat, sleep, laugh, cry, enjoy and love.
"You are committing suicide, Atty. Park. People wouldn't notice it but I do. I'm a doctor and you're a smart lady. You know how to take good care of yourself. You know how to keep yourself alive but you don't, because you wanna die. Why do you wanna die?" I literally am frozen. I am lost for words and I can't answer back like I always used to because I am a goddamn lawyer.
"It's none of your business. I'm alive and i thank the heavens for keeping me so." I said, looking at my fingers.
"You obviously don't care to those who love you." He answered back.
I felt tears form on my eyes. My eyes felt like heavy clouds with rain to shed. This is not good. What if I unconsciously tried to kill myself? What if I am starting to neglect the things that keep me alive? What if that's what's happening? What if I'm already losing my mind.
"Of course not." I firmly said.
"Good girl. We'll leave now and kindly wait here for your hospital meal. You are not allowed any fast food. Korean food is actually healthy but we don't have that here so you have to settle with cabbage soup, steamed fish and bagels. I specifically asked this for you." He left along with the nurse.
As soon as the door shut. I broke down. I am crying like a child who lost her puppy. I am crying like I'm dying. My heart feels so heavy i want to give up.
Great. I am sick and the same time asthmatic. I must be so lucky I had a hundred buckets when the world was showered with bad luck.
I check my phone and I have 10 missed calls.
10 missed calls FR: Ethan Jennings
3 new messages FR: Ethan Jennings
I tossed the phone back to the nightstand. It's not like He wants to talk to me because he still loves me. He obviously wants to ask about the case. He could be in hysterics right now because he think I'm trying to lose the case.
Should I lose the case?
Nope.
If I lost, it will be permanently remain in my record like i was some stupid defense attorney. I was born to win and losing will never be an option. I just have to deal with this and move forward like he does. He may have the biggest piece in my heart, but that doesn't mean I have to let him witness that. I lost things in life I shouldn't have but I lost them anyways. It's not alway picture perfect just like this lasagna in my table with a taste so close to water.
Another phone ring. This is probably the 15th time it rang. God, I'm starting to despise my career. Everyone is calling me especially Ethan, who can't sleep because her beloved girlfriend is in trouble.
I put my phone on silent mode. It's not like he's calling me because he cares. He doesn't.
I look miserable in this white hospital gown while Jessica's white gown is currently on the works by Alexander McQueen. I never felt so down in the past two years. I just realized I am. I realized how miserable I've become in past years. I got stuck in past because no matter what I do, I can't move on. Ethan is my life and my only life. He's the life in me.
-=-=-=-=-=-
"Ethan, can you just let this go? Monica Sinclair probably won't care if I don't show up. I got thesis, feasibility studies, courtroom study and part time job. I have a lot of things going on." He remained silent, seated at the end of my bed.
"I don't want to show up alone, looking miserable. I want you there with me. I want the people to see that we're building our own empire. You will be my corporate lawyer once I acquire a seat in the board. I want them to see what power and love we have." I embraced him from the back, smelling his after shave.
"I know. These gatherings aren't really my thing. I am actually very proud of us, but this party is not me. I can't be myself if I go there." He held my hands.
"I just love you so much, Aria. Just go with me once and I promise this is the last. If I go there alone, the guys will pressure me into shots, girls and drugs. You know them very well, dear." I rolled my eyes and started thinking about it. I really hate the smell of alcohol mixed with cigarettes.
I just hate the whole club scene. I wasn't really a fan when i was a little younger. It's not because I'm 25. I just don't have the audacity to have fun while worrying about my tests. Law is a battlefield. People will do everything to eliminate possible competition and that is something I want to take away from me. I hate competition but of course, no one can just step on me.
I sighed. I'm fed up with this party. So frigging fed up.
I stood up and grabbed my nightgown to cover myself. I'm only wearing my underwear and I want to sit near the window and watch the snow fall down. It's a little calming to watch them slowly descend from above like little fallen angels who will keep you safe from harm. But they won't, snow can kill you if you stay for too long. Winter will kill you.
Everything that looks good will kill you.
"What's with this party, Ethan? Why are you so driven to convince me?" He sighed. I just can't understand the obsession. He's acting like a spoiled brat and I can't just accept this.
"It's a reunion thing. Come on, it will be fun. I promise that i won't drink much and i will never ever smoke. I promise." But he will ignore it. I don't feel anything good about this party. It's just the same old party where you can find the finest cocaine and weed.
This happened before actually. We attended the same party hosted by this guy and he is still BAD NEWS in bold and capital letters. That encounter I had with him at the coffee shop is enough to make me cringe so hard i wanna puke. His presence alone is just too foul. You can definitely sense nothing good from him.
Ethan was involved in a car accident that led him to almost losing a rib on the left side. Thank goodness he's fine. He was discharged after four days and Ethan's parents are very much disappointed that he crashed his brand new Lexus.
"Dejavu. This is it. You do know what happened the last time, right? Because you just don't care. You don't really care what happens. You forgot what happened when I almost lost you. I was so close to watch you get buried six feet under. Can't you just understand me?" I started crying and the thought of losing Ethan is just everywhere. I am still haunted by that incident I can't let go.
He stood up and immediately wrapped me in his arms. I smelled his aftershave and buried my face in his chest. Who in their right mind would let this go? He's my life now. He's more than the air I breathe. He's the life beneath the earth. He's the rays of the sun and soul inhabiting me.
"That's not gonna happen again. I'm no longer doing drugs because i can't die and let you go. No other man can be with you. I need you." He said closely to my ears.
"Then why do you still wanna go? Ethan, I can't."
He sighed. "Because... I want to announce our engagement there. He let me announce it at the party and most of the people there are my friends. I wanna marry you and build the happiest family with you. I wanna grown old with you and watch the stars in out porch. I will build your dream telescope on our balcony and you would sit there drinking your favorite earl grey tea. This is just not about the booze and the fun. I have plans. I wanna marry you badly."
"But why must it be there at his club! I have a bad feeling with this; really bad feeling. Trust me on this, Ethan. I wanna marry you as well but not this way. His club attracts cat fights and brawls. He's not a good guy." I said and I sat on the stool near the window.
"He's a longtime friend, Aria. It wasn't him who gave the... cocaine. It was someone else. I'm sorry. He's a good person and he helped me several times, i swear." But that guy just made an indecent proposal to me. He's not normal in the head.
"Go, but leave me out of it. Can you at least understand that I'm not a huge fan of smoking, drinking and partying in the whole package. I hate noises! I hate night life! I'm a homebody, so what?! I love you, Ethan. I love you very much, but if you love me too, you would accept me. You'd accept whatever i can offer; what i can give. You wanna marry me and yet you don't... know me. You don't know how i am. You don't know how i tick. I'm mot a huge fan of your rich kids club." I said while tears keep on pouring on my cheeks.
He slowly walked towards me and pulled me in a tight embrace. I love him so much it drives me crazy. If only I could love him a little less, I would but i can't. I just love him that much that sometimes it scares me. I am so scared that when things went terribly wrong, I'd think of him first than myself.
I love him so much, but it scares me.