Jessica Alba as Jessica.
Video is Take Me to church by Hozier. It's one of my fav songs of all time and I think it describes this chapter in someway.
Dedicating this chapter to LadyOtami.
*Co-written and edited by dacasabella*
-------------
Zak's P.O.V.
"Logan, get your ass down here! We're gonna be late!", Jessica yelled as both of us, along with Lily, in my arms, walked out the front door of their house to head towards their black SUV.
"Coming honey!", I heard a faint response from Logan.
We were supposed to be headed to the nursing home where my mom stayed to pick her up for a picnic.
When our dad died two years ago, it was so unexpected and affected our mom in a really bad way. She didn't know what to do with herself after he passed. She had been a stay at home mom when we were young and as we grew up and moved out, he became her entire world. She literally lived to make him happy and in turn, was quite happy herself,
After he passed, she went into a state of severe depression and shut everyone out. She would just sit in her bed and stare out the window and cry for hours. We thought it would improve over time, but it got worse. She barely ate or bathed and just shut herself away from the world.
Eventually, she came to Logan and told him that she didn't want to live in "their" home anymore.
She said that the pain of knowing he was gone combined with the constant reminders of him around the house was unbearable. So she asked Logan to put it up for sale.
Logan initially fought the idea, not wanting to give up the only home we had ever known. But, he soon realized that mom's issues were more than just the house, when he found her unconscious, a bottle of almost empty pills in her hand, when he went home to visit one day after work. Of course, she insisted that it was an accident and that she had forgotten that she had already taken her sleeping pills earlier, but we knew better. If he had not stopped in to check on her, we would have been orphans. That was the push Logan needed to sell the house. It was also what made us decide to buy her a place in a senior's residence.
We didn't really want her to go to a nursing home but, because I had just graduated and started working, and Logan and Jessica had been newly married and pregnant, we were worried that we wouldn't be able to keep an eye on her like she needed. We needed her to be safe and the senior's residence was a good solution. It was like a nursing home for those who needed it but, for those who were "healthy" like mom, they could still live on their own.
Fortunately, the nursing home had really helped a lot, especially with her issues. She was treated well, mentally, psychologically and emotionally. Her depressions and suicide attempts quickly stopped and she became herself again. Apparently, she had even become involved in some of the senior's activities, as well.
We tried to make time out to visit her every three to four weeks, as a family but it was hard considering our busy schedules. But, about four months had passed since we had last saw her and the month before that I didn't go visit her with Logan and Jessica because I had a doctor's appointment that day. So that made 5 months for me then.
Jessica set the picnic baskets in the trunk of the vehicle as I proceeded to hop in the back seat with Lily, buckling her into her car seat beside me.
Jessica then got into the passenger seat and put the key in the ignition, before pressing on the horn a couple of times, obviously signaling, rather impatiently, for Logan to hurry up.
After a minute or two, Logan rushed out, locking the front door and jumping into the driver's seat. He caught me off guard, wearing a blue striped short sleeve shirt and black shorts. It was very rare for me to see him in casual clothes. He always wore a suit to work and that often included weeknight and weekend business meetings. Despite all my smart comments about him, he was really dedicated to his company.
Well, it happened to be a Saturday afternoon and a sunny one for that matter, so I should have expected it. It was nice to see him relaxed. We were actually all dressed casually. I was in a yellow t-shirt and brown three quarters while Jessica and Lily were in cute matching sundresses.
"I'm here I'm here! Jeez.", he exclaimed as he started the engine. "That horn was so annoying."
"Well, I wouldn't have had to honk it if you hadn't wasted all that time getting ready, even I finished before you.", Jessica retorted. "Why did it even take you so long?
"Well, this awesome hair doesn't style itself, you know.", he smirked, pointing to his hair.
"Yeah right. It looks the same as it always does.", Jessica rolled her eyes.
"Daddy's hair is awesome, right baby?", he cooed at Lily.
"Daddy!", she giggled as she played with her doll.
"See, Lily digs it.", he pointed out.
"Just drive dumbass.", I cut in.
"Oh shut up!", he responded as he backed out of his driveway.
"You shut up!"
And that's how the 30 minute drive from their home to the the nursing home went, with Jessica laughing the whole time at us and me giving Logan a few ear pulls, now and then, since he couldn't do anything about it while driving.
Logan growled and rubbed his ear, after a particularly good pinch. 'Revenge is sweet'.
We finally pulled up to the parking lot, parking the car and proceeding through the front door of the reception.
The place was beautiful. It consisted of a large apartment complex attached to the main building, which contained the common rooms and medical staff, along with many bungalows spread out on the large property. That was where mom lived, in a little home of her own. The property was nicely landscaped, decorated with many flowers and ornamental trees, both inside and out. It definitely had a peaceful calming feel to it. It was very Zen. Of course, Logan wanted the best for our mom. That was why he chose this place and from what could be seen, it proved that it was indeed the best.
As we entered into the reception, we were greeted by a warm cinnamon smell. Logan went to the receptionist, to tell her who we came for while Jessica and I sat in the waiting area with Lily on my lap. She had been clinging onto me since I arrived their house this morning. It was really cute and I knew it made Logan jealous, so it was a win-win..
After a few minutes of waiting, our mom walked out with the help of a male staff who carried her handbag for her.
She was wearing a floral patterned shirt and brown baggy granny pants. She looked really different from the last time I saw her. Her wrinkles seemed to be more pronounced and she looked thinner. She was in her mid-sixties and although a beautiful woman, you could definitely see that the past few years had caught up with her.
She had a small smile on her face as she entered. Logan hugged and greeted her and collected her handbag from the staff, guiding her to where we were sitting.
Jessica and I stood up and she went to hug her. Lily also released herself from my hold and ran over for a hug.
"How's my favourite granddaughter?", my mom cooed as she scooped Lily up in her arms.
"Nana!", Lily squealed.
"Yeah darling, Nana is doing good too. You look really pretty.", she snuggled her before letting her down.
Her eyes finally landed on me, her smile seemed to falter a bit.
"Hi mom.", I waved awkwardly with one hand, my other clenched tightly in my pocket. I didn't hug her like the others did, simply because I couldn't remember the last time we did that. I knew it would be unwelcomed anyways.
My mom and I hadn't had the best relationship since I came out to her as gay when I was a teenager. When I was little, we were inseparable. We were so close that Logan used to call me 'momma's boy'. I thought our bond was unbreakable and nothing could come between us. Sadly, that bond was broken when I revealed to her I was gay.
She was actually the first person I came out to and I could still remember the combined look of disgust, disappointment and shock on her face like it was yesterday. The way she immediately leaned away from me, dropping my hands that had previously been held with such love between her own was burned into my soul.
I had decided to tell her because she was the one person in the whole world I thought I could trust, that would love me, no matter what, But I guessed I was wrong.
She went on to tell my dad and my brother without even asking me if it was okay. Logan accepted me at once. My dad also had a hard time accepting it too, at first, but he came around in time.
It was ironic how things had turned out, actually. We had alway had an awkward father-son relationship before I came out. But, after he found out our relationship was strengthened immensely unlike the one I had with my mom. That was why I was so heartbroken when he died. He was the parent that loved me unconditionally, like all parents really should. When he died that unconditional love went with him.
When she found out my dad and brother accepted me, she was furious and thought I should be taken to some facility where I could be made 'normal' again. Despite the fact that my dad had not yet accepted it, at the time, he was furious that she would suggest such a thing and shut down the conversation right there, in no uncertain terms. It was never discussed again.
I had tried to explain to her, many times, that I was, in fact, normal too and that the only difference was that I was attracted to the same sex. She refused to have any of it and stood by her belief.
She reminded me of that every day while I lived in their house. She actually stopped talking to me for a long while and if not for my father's intervention, she would have given me the silent treatment for the rest of my life, I'm sure. Thanks to him, she did still speak to me but it was always forced and often included hidden insults. Along with that, she stopped touching me completely. She stopped giving me hugs like she used to. The goodnight kisses and pecks stopped too. How could a mother not love her son? She didn't know how this destroyed me inside. Or maybe she did and it just didn't matter to her.
She was the reason for my shy and introverted nature. She had destroyed my confidence and self worth with her words and behaviour towards me. If not for Logan and my dad, I would have committed suicide in those first few years after I had come out.
I tried to avoid coming to see her, as bad as that sounded, because she always managed to make me feel so unloved, unwelcome and awkward. Logan and Jessica were the reason I had been coming, because they always managed to convince me that maybe she would change. If that didn't work, they just used guilt saying that she was getting old and we didn't know how much longer she would be around.
And every time I did come, I tried to show her how much I still loved her even with everything she had done to me but she always returned my love with scorn and hate. Even Jessica had asked about it when she and Logan had first gotten together. I had told her about our history and she was shocked. Like me, she couldn't imagine treating a child like that, especially now that she had one of her own.
Sincerely, I was getting tired of all of it. I didn't know what to do anymore to make her love me. All my efforts had been futile. I just wanted her to love me like she used to. I was her son for God's sake.
"Zak.", she greeted back with a stoic face as she gave me a short once-over and returned her gaze to Logan and his family.
"So good to see you mom. Sorry we haven't visited in a long while. We've been really busy.", Logan smiled at her as we began to make our way out the door.
"That's rubbish. You can never be too busy for family.", she responded. "How are you, Jessie dear and how's business?"
"I'm good ma and business is going well." Jessica replied.
"Good to know that my favourite son and his wife are doing great."
I felt a sharp pain in my chest at hearing her hurtful words. I tensed up and my steps faltered as I tried to calm my breathing. I could see both Jess and Logan glance at me, noticing too.
"Well Zak's been doing really well at the office too! He's one of the most hardworking employees there.", Logan boasted, obviously to make me feel better.
"Mmhmm." was all she replied, looking completely indifferent.
Logan sent me an apologetic look while Jessica rubbed my back soothingly as we walked towards the car. I just took in a deep breath and mentally pushed away her negative behaviour towards me.
We finally reached the car, Logan pressing the unlock button on the remote causing it to beep. I didn't want to sit in the back with her. It would be too uncomfortable and awkward for me.
As if Jessica read my mind, after meeting my eyes, she immediately suggested, "Zak, why don't you sit in the front seat while ma will sit with me and Lily in the back?"
"Alright.", I whispered her a silent thanks in which she nodded in acknowledgement.
The ride to the park was filled with constant chatter between my mom, Logan and Jessica, along with Lily's constant babbles. I was quiet throughout, distracting myself from my thoughts with Candy Crush.
Twenty minutes later, we finally reached our destination. We parked and exited the vehicle, the girls going ahead to find a spot, while Logan and I proceeded to open the trunk to grab the picnic baskets, blankets and foldable chair for mom.
It was a beautiful park and in the middle of it was a small lake where people canoed, swam and fed the ducks. There were a few families already here, some on picnics as well and others playing with their dogs.
We found a spot near a shady tree and decided to set up there.
"Ahhh. I love this park. I haven't been here in ages.", mom announced. "This was where I met your father. He also proposed to me here. I can still remember every single second of it. It was the happiest day of my life.", she said to Logan, her back facing me.
"Are you kidding me? Logan also proposed to me here!", Jessica exclaimed, as I and Logan set up the place.
"Awww. That's amazing. I didn't even know that and I didn't tell him that I was proposed to here either.", Mom replied cheerily as we all settled onto the blanket. "It would have nice if I could have had my next daughter-in-law be proposed here as well. We could have made it a tradition but, too bad, I won't have another one.", she said in disgust as she looked around the place.
Silence immediately followed and I could feel Jessica and Logan tentatively peeking at me to see if I was okay. I wasn't. The ache in my chest exploded and I clenched my teeth and shut my eyes to prevent any tears from slipping out.
Jessica cleared her throat, "Soo, Lily's 3rd birthday is at the end of the month ma, you're gonna come right?"
"Of course, I'm gonna come. I can't miss my granddaughters 3rd birthday for anything. In fact, I can still remember Logan's 3rd birthday. He was the cutest little boy ever.", she chuckled as she pinched his cheeks.
"Momm!", he groaned with his mouth full of sandwich.
"Oh shuushh. You know I love you.", she scolded him playfully.
"I love you too mom but please could you stop pinching my cheeks.", he mumbled while chewing.
"See! He is even cute when he talks with his mouth full. You are lucky to have him Jessie and I'm lucky to have him as a son. He is everything a mother could ever wish for.", she smiled while she ruffled his hair.
I felt my eyes begin to sting because of those words she uttered and that small action of ruffling his hair. Her eyes were full of love when she talked about him. It had been a really, really long time since she looked at me that way. I couldn't help but feel so jealous of Logan. I craved her love so desperately that I continually put up with her abuse. I wanted it soo much. She was the only parent I had left.
Yes, Logan and Jessica loved me too but that love combined couldn't be compared to the one I used to get from her. Each day, the memory of what we used to be like back in the day faded away a little more. I couldn't even remember her smiling at me any more. I couldn't remember the warm hugs she gave me a thousand times a day. I couldn't remember the soft pecks she gave me before I went to bed. I couldn't remember her sweet smell I used to take in when she comforted me. Everything was fading away. I felt so lonely, even with Logan and Jessica on my side. I didn't even have someone to call my own.
"Ma, you have TWO incredibly handsome and smart sons. You are very lucky to have both of them.", Jessica said sympathetically as she looked at me.
"Well, I know that I'm proud to call one my own and here he is.", she gestured towards Logan giving him a genuine smile.
"Mom stop it, you---", Logan began.
"I have to go.", I cut Logan off, standing up immediately and walking away. The tears had already started rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't take it anymore. But I would be damned if I let her see me cry.
"Zak wait!", Logan called out.
"Let him go, besides he was already beginning to contaminate this place with his homosexual nature.", I heard my mother say.
Jessica gasped and Logan's voice boomed, "What the hell, ma?!"
I broke out into a run, the tears falling faster and vision blurring.
I heard faint calls of my name and pounding against the ground, meaning Logan was running after me. I couldn't pretend anymore, pretend like the way she treated me didn't hurt or affect me. I just couldn't.
As I reached the road, I spotted a cab pulling up. I immediately signalled to the driver who pulled in front of me. I knew that if I waited to listen to what Logan had to say, he would have convinced me to ignore what she said and stay but I just didn't have the heart to deal with it anymore. Eight years of experiencing her hate was enough. I. Was. Done.
As the Taxi came to a stop, I hopped in and shut the door and locking it immediately. Logan reached the cab right after and was knocking on the window repeatedly, begging me to wait and listen to him. Knowing how it would end, I simply told the driver the address to take me and asked him to pull away. He shot me a concerned glance but thankfully followed my request.
As we drove away, I looked back to see Logan's hands on his waist and a frustrated look his face. Knowing I would have to deal with him later, I leaned my, now pounding, head against the car window and let the tears slide down my cheeks, wishing everything could just be better.
'Why am I so hard to love?'
------------
Vote.
Comment.
Share.
Thank you!!!
Love, Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
XoXo.