Song: Tightrope by Ron Pope {I'm imagining the words you said when last I saw your mouth / Yes, I'm walking on a tightrope wire / So afraid to fall / And I'd tell you that I miss you but I'm sure it doesn't matter at all}
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January 24th, 2014 (15 weeks, 4 days)
At some point in our lives, we all make mistakes. They can be simple or complex, or sometimes even deadly. I've made a mistake that could possibly cost my life, but there's not a whole lot I can do about it. In the past four days since Paul left me, I've had time to reflect on where everything went wrong. If I had not made that phone call and canceled the abortion the first time, then this wouldn't even be happening. Of course I regret that decision, but there's nothing I can do to change it.
Right now, our marriage seems like it has been totally destroyed. Meadow talked to her father the night he left, but she won't tell me how he is. I've been worried sick about him, thinking that he's going to do something stupid and not like himself. He has every right to be mad at me, but that anger doesn't give him the right to go do whatever to lash out at me.
I wish I could talk to him again, and try to tell him something. I'm not sure what that something is, though. He wants to hear that this is all a mistake and I'm not going anywhere, but I can't tell him that. That's the thing about mistakes; once it's already happened, it's almost impossible to take it back.
When Paul walked out the door and Meadow came in demanding to know what was going on, I had no choice but to tell her. Keeping it from her was just going to cause more problems. As I expected, she was pissed off at me.
--
Flashback (4 days ago)
"What the hell just happened?" Meadow yells at me.
I remain sitting on the floor, tears streaming down my face. This fight between Paul and I was about ten times worse than the one before the accident. Emotionally, I'm not ready to deal with Meadow's reaction after her father just walked out. However, she expects an answer and I won't be able to get out of this one. "Mead, let's sit down in the living room."
She nods hesitantly before walking over to help me up. The last time I made her so upset, she took off to Hawaii. I wouldn't doubt that she will do it again once I deliver this news to her. That is only one of the many thoughts running through my mind as we sit down on the couch. "Okay, so tell me, what is going on? Don't leave any part of it out. I need to know the full story."
I begin to tell her exactly what I told Paul only moments ago. While I'm telling her, I carefully watch her body language and facial expressions. Unlike Paul, she isn't hiding her thoughts about it. "Your father said he couldn't stand to be here anymore, so he left. He said that he would call you tonight if you wanted to talk about this."
Meadow leans over, her face in her hands. I can't tell if it's out of anger or something else, but when she looks up, I can see the resentment in her eyes. "You know that you just tore this family apart, right? All through my childhood, I grew up in two separate homes. I loved both of my parents, but I hated having to switch between them. Then when I officially moved here, everything felt normal, like I had a home. Now, everything is falling apart, and it's all your fault." She wipes a few tears away before getting up and walking to her room.
--
The sound of the doorbell brings me out of my thoughts and back into reality. I grab the baby monitor and take it with me as I walk to the front door. To my surprise, Callie and Andrew are standing on the other side. They both have somber looks on their faces.
"What?" I ask them. "Did you expect me to completely shatter into an ocean of tears? I don't have the luxury to do that. There are two sleeping children in the other room that I still have to take care of." Callie sighs and reaches for me, intending to pull me into a hug, but I don't allow it. A hug would be the thing to send me back into tears, even though I don't have very many left. I leave the door open, letting them come in and follow me to the living room.
"So, have you heard from him?" Andrew asks, shutting the front door.
I take my spot on the couch and pull the blanket that's laying there around me. "No, I haven't heard from him. Every time I try to call him, it goes straight to voicemail. I don't even know if he's in this county, let alone the state of California."
Callie tries again to offer a sense of comfort by putting her arm around me, and I let her. "What about Meadow? Has she talked to him?"
"Yeah, I'm sure she has, but she won't tell me anything. She hasn't spoken to me since he left. I don't blame her, though. I'm mad at me, too." With a deep breath, I think of my husband and try to send him as much positive energy as I can. Given the state that he left this house in, he needs as much positive as he can get. I just wish that I could talk to him, or just know for sure that he's okay. Well, as okay as he can be.
Andrew doesn't take a seat, instead he paces the room. "I still don't think that he should've left. That's not something he really needed to do."
I can't help but laugh a little at his remark. "Can you really blame him, though? I basically told him that he's gonna lose me, and the vows that we took to love each other forever are void. The fight we had because of this pregnancy was the reason he even got into the car accident in the first place. I'm at fault for all of this problem."
"I disagree with that," Callie argues. "However upset he may be, he will want to be by your side if something goes wrong."
"I'm not too sure about that," I reply, my voice softening with each syllable. "He seemed pretty intent on leaving for good."
Andrew finally sits down in a chair, and his eyes do not leave mine. "Paul will regret that decision if something happens to you. He will come to realize that before it's too late. No matter what is going on between you two, you need to spend as much time together as you possibly can. You'll never know when it's your last time together."
Obviously, he's right about that. The only problem is, Paul doesn't even want to spend time with me. He told me he couldn't be in the same room with me, or even in the same house with me. How am I supposed to spend time with him when he won't come near me or even look me in the eyes?
Before I can say anything else, my phone begins to ring from the kitchen. For the slightest second, my heart squeezes with hope that it might be Paul. I quickly get up and rush to get my phone, not wanting to let it go to voicemail. That hope disappears into thin air when I see that it's not Paul. The name that shows up is one that I wouldn't normally expect: Vince.
I accept the call. "Hey Vince, what's up?"
"I don't have much time to talk. I just wanted to let you know that Paul is here with me in Hawaii, and he's been here ever since he left California." His voice sounds rushed and panicked, and I'm not really sure why.
So, that is where Paul has been all along. I can't deny the fact that I'm a little happy that he's been at Vince's place. My thoughts were going to places that they shouldn't be, but I should know that Paul would never do something like that, no matter how mad he is at me. Then again, part of me is mad that he has left the entire state just to get away from me. He's leaving the country in a couple of days, couldn't he wait until then to be so far away.
"How is he dealing with things? Is he doing okay?" I ask him. I hate that I'm having to rely on information from Paul's best friend, but I don't think Vince would lie to me about something this precarious.
"He's taking things pretty hard. On the outside he won't even show it, but I can tell that it's eating him away. I told him that I wouldn't call you, but I think it's time that you come to Hawaii and try to work things out before he leaves to film." Vince still sounds on edge, but calmer than just a moment ago.
He wants me to come to Hawaii? That might not be a good idea. "I don't know, Vince. He didn't even tell me where he was going, so I doubt that he just wants me to show up all of a sudden."
"Trust me, he needs you here. Just get out here as soon as possible, and let me know when you're close. Maybe if you two talk on the beach, the ocean will calm him down a little."
Well, I guess I'm going to Hawaii then. I tell Vince that I will be there, and then I end the phone call. What am I supposed to say? I tried to get Paul to stay when he was still here at the house, so what is going to make this time any different? Maybe there is a letter that can help me through this. I tell Callie and Andrew that I will be back before I walk back to our bedroom. These letters always help me, so I have no doubt that it will help me right now.
Once inside our bedroom, I walk over to my nightstand and pull the drawer open. I can't believe what my eyes do not see. The box of letters isn't inside, and I know that this is where I left them. Did I put them somewhere else? My purse is on the nightstand, so I anxiously check it but there are no letters there either. Where the hell could they be?
I go through every drawer in our bedroom, desperately searching for the box that will help me get through this situation. My heart compresses in my chest, and I feel the sobs rising up, trying to get out. I push them back down, but to no avail.
The letters are gone.
--
Paul's POV
I walk into the living room and plop down on the couch next to Vince. He made me get out of the room because he had a phone call to make, but I figured it was almost done so I came back in here. I grab the TV remote and flip mindlessly through the channels, not really paying attention to what is on. I just want to get back on the waves, the place where nothing else matters.
"Alright, I'll see you when you get here. Have a safe flight," Vince says, ending the phone call.
"Who was that, bro? You expecting someone?" I ask him, still flipping through channels. I finally settle on ESPN.
Vince gets up out of his seat. "Yeah, my daughter is coming back in."
I immediately know that is not true. His daughter is with her friends. However, it's not my place to pester him into telling me who is coming in. "Do you wanna go hit the waves today? I heard at the corner market that they're even better than a couple of days ago."
"Yeah, we can do that." Vince walks off toward his room, and I watch as he shuts the door.
What is he planning and why is he being so secretive about it? I hope that it has nothing to do with Sierra, because I do not want to see her right now. I don't even know what I'd do if she were to show up here. This is the place where I get to relax and unwind. If she were to come here, it would taint it, and that's not something I need right now.
With a heavy sigh, I get up from the couch and walk to my room to get ready. I pull my wetsuit from its hanger in the closet. I start to unzip the back of it, but my hand slips and it falls down onto my bag. When I pick the wetsuit back up, my eyes meet the box of letters I took from home.
Despite everything, guilt flows freely through me. I shouldn't have taken the box of letters from Sierra. That was a mistake; it was her box. Taking the box was an impulse based on how angry I was at her. However, if I had to do it again, I would still take the box with me.