Hey guys, since next week is finals week, the next real chapter won't be until December 11th. But, there will be a bonus chapter next Friday (December 4th) from Paul's point of view that you guys will probably enjoy lol. You'll know what I mean when you're finished with this one!
Song: Love in the Dark by Adele {It feels like we're oceans apart / There is so much space between us / Maybe we're already defeated}
--
January 20th, 2014 {15 weeks, 0 days}
As I pace back and forth in front of the master bathroom door, I can't shake the feeling that everything is about to fall apart. In truth, it is. Once Paul finds out everything, it could be the end of us. I don't think that I would blame him, though. He made me promise to do something for him, and I couldn't get it done out of my own ignorance. Now, I'm possibly being sentenced to my death because of it. Part of the blame is on the receptionist for not telling me about the deadline, but most of the blame is on me. I'm to blame for my marriage about to fall apart.
To make things worse, in the past five days, Paul keeps avoiding the conversation when I bring it up. I tell him I have to talk to him about the abortion, but he doesn't want to. He says that it's in the past and we could try another way to have a child. Little does he know that our kids are still inside of me. Of course, I need and want to tell him, but there never seems to be the right time. Today has to be that time, because I can't keep this from him any longer. It's killing me inside.
Finally, I open the bathroom door to see Paul wrapping a towel around his waist. Steam is still rolling through the warm air, and water is clinging to his chest. I'll never get over this view of him. I shake my head, trying to get rid of the distraction. "I need to talk to you about something."
He stops in the middle of grabbing a washcloth out of the bathroom closet. "If it's about the abortion, I don't want to talk about it."
"But Paul, it's important." I insist.
"I said I don't want to talk about it, Sierra." He turns to look me in the eyes, and I know that he's serious about it. How am I supposed to tell him if he doesn't even want to carry a conversation about it? Am I just supposed to blurt it out? However, that's not the kind of news that you just blurt out, especially when it's the kind that is going to break his heart.
I lean against the doorway with my arms crossed. I am intent on telling him before he even leaves this bathroom. "If you don't want to talk about it, fine. Just listen. Besides, I'm sure you'll have plenty to say when I'm done talking."
Paul looks at me warily and rubs a towel through his hair. It's growing longer than it was before the accident, and he'll have to get it cut again for the movie. "Okay, I'll listen, but can we talk about this tonight? I'm meeting up with the guys today to run some lines and get back into the swing of things. I'd rather not have a possible fight with you weighing on my mind. It's draining."
The thought of blurting it out runs through my mind once more, but a knock at the bedroom door stops that.
"Brian is here to pick me up! I will see you later!" Meadow calls. Her voice is followed by heavy footsteps going down the hallway, and the slam of the front door. Not more than five seconds after that, Luke's crying comes through the baby monitor.
"Damn it," I mumble, walking over to retrieve the monitor. I look back over at Paul and he's already getting dressed. "Wonder where Meadow is going?"
He pulls a shirt over his head. "What are you talking about?" Instead of meeting my eyes, he continues to get dressed and look down at the floor. Not only is the abortion heavy on his mind, but so is his parent's divorce. Paul stayed out with Caleb and Cody a couple of nights ago, having a brother's night like they desperately needed. My husband is the strongest person I know, but with this news I'm afraid he will have too much on his plate and he will snap.
Of course, I'm still looking out for the smallest sign of depression. Paul seems to be getting back to his feet more each day, but that doesn't rule out the fact that he still can become depressed. That's one of the reasons I'm so terrified but I have to tell him. The longer I wait, the more damage it is going to cause.
I shrug and state the obvious. "Well, there is no school today, so where could she be going with Brian?" I watch as the look of realization crosses his face.
"Meadow is smarter than that. I mean, she's only fifteen years old. Brian seems like a good kid, not one to try to take advantage of her." The uncertainty in his voice is shining through, even in his actions. He picks up his phone to call Meadow, and I leave him to go check on Luke.
Once I open Luke's door, his crying seems to soften knowing that I'm around to take care of him. I know exactly what that cry means; it's time to change his diaper. I bring him over to his changing table and lay him down while I grab the diapers underneath on the shelves. That little smile and those bright blue eyes just like his father's makes it hard not to smile along with him. The smile is hard to keep on my face when I remember the news I have to tell Paul. Our little Jedi could grow up without his mother in his life, making it all too real that the Luke Skywalker on the big screen grew up without his mother, too.
Paul comes into Luke's room and sits down in the rocking chair with a heavy sigh. "Meadow said that Brian is taking her out to breakfast."
"Do you believe her?" I ask, discarding the old diaper in the trash can beside the table.
"Why would she be telling me a lie? She knows that she can talk to me about anything."
I finish putting Luke's new diaper on and turn toward Paul. "Baby, I hate to break it to you, but she's a hormone driven teenager. She's not exactly going to be telling you what all she's doing with her boyfriend that she likes very much. You and I both know that you're not the best person to talk to when it comes to boys."
He narrows his eyes at me. "What do you know?"
"I know nothing about this breakfast date. I'm just saying that she's not going to talk to her father about her boyfriend." Turning back around to pick Luke up, I can hear Paul get up out of the chair. "Where are you going? Aren't you meeting the guys for lunch?" I try to give our son to him since he enjoys his father's presence more, but Paul won't take him.
"Yeah, but I'm going to go follow Meadow and Brian." He steps out of the room and starts walking down the hallway.
What is he doing? I haven't even got to tell him about the abortion yet! "You can't do that, Paul! She will never trust you again if you follow them. She needs her privacy since she already doesn't get much being a movie star's daughter." Despite my argument to keep him here and stay with me, he shakes his head.
"We can talk later, okay? I promise. I'm sorry that I keep avoiding it but if you want to talk, we will." He kisses my cheek and pulls his keys out of his pocket. "I love you, baby. And I love you too, Luke." Paul kisses Luke's head and smiles when Luke grins at him.
Once the front door is closed again, my heart sinks at another missed opportunity to tell my husband everything. I make a vow to myself to tell him tonight, no matter what gets in the way of me telling him.
--
Open When...
Things Are Falling Apart
To my darling wife,
I remember the nights a couple years ago after both of your parents passed away. Those were the nights that I would hold you tightly in my arms, as you would beg me to talk you away to a place where there is no pain. The only place that is possible is Heaven, and I don't want you to go unless we are going together. I remember as I held you in my arms, that I would pray to God to give me the strength to be able to help you.
I want to be able to give you and our family a good life. We've been blessed with our three beautiful children. With my career, I have the ability to take you and our family to amazing places, but for me there's no place that's as breathtaking as you.
When you feel like things are falling apart, you can always crawl into my open arms. You'll always have me to turn to in the pouring rain. You'll always have me to lead you out of the darkness and into the light of my love. We're bound together in this crazy journey of life, and I'll never leave your side. As long as we have each other, we'll never have to worry about anything.
Even though we don't share the same thoughts and feelings about somethings, we do share the same love for each other. We'll share a look that can say more than words could ever express, and I love that. We'll share the small moments that makes us treasure our life together even more. Most of all, we share the same soul that never allows us to be apart from one another.
I love you. I say this with no pride or vanity; I say this simply because it's the honest truth, and it's the strongest feeling I've ever felt in my entire life. You mean so much more to me than you could ever imagine. One thing is for sure, and that is if we ever are apart, I would never be the same man again. You've came into my life and lit up everything within it. I'm addicted to that light and I love all of that it means to me.
You're the love of my life, and that fact will never change even if things are falling apart. Don't give up on things even if they seem like they are falling apart. You never know if everything might just fall together.
Your forever love,
Paul
--
The view of the house fills my front windshield, and I silently wonder if this would be the last time that I see it again. Yes, it's a drastic thought, but it's not totally unreasonable. Paul has blown up at me before, but we've always recovered from it. I know that our love is strong. I can only hope that it's strong enough to work past this and persevere through it.
I just dropped the little kids off with Caleb and Stephanie, since they don't need to hear this possible argument. Meadow is still out, and hopefully she won't come back before this is all said and done.
I shut my car off and grab my purse from the passenger seat. This imminent conversation has been on my mind all day long. I've had plenty of time to think about it, yet I'm sitting here in my car with a blank mind, and I don't remember what I'm going to say. How am I supposed to explain things? He will ask a lot of questions and I need to prepare myself with answers. However, I cannot just stay in this car forever. That is not an option, and neither is chickening out of this.
With each step I take toward the front door, the more my breathing becomes hitched and uneven. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that Paul is the love of my life and I know how he's going to feel about this. The part of me that's optimistic is thinking that maybe this won't be so bad. But, the pessimistic side, the one that's ruling my mind, knows better than to think that.
Before I can talk myself out of this conversation, I open the front door and step inside quickly to shut it. The television in the living room is on, but nobody is inside. "Paul? I'm home," I call out, setting my purse on the table by the door. I keep my keys and phone in my hand just in case I need to get out of here quickly. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but this could get bad. I don't think for one minute that Paul would ever hurt me physically. That's not the kind of man he is, nor will he ever will be. It's his sometimes vicious words he says that I'm worried about.
"I'm upstairs!" he calls back.
I turn the corner down the hallway and take the stairs slowly, savoring the calm before the storm. Paul is sitting on the couch in our theater room, his attention directed toward the screen. Oddly enough, he is watching Fast & Furious 6. He doesn't like to watch himself on screen, so this is kind of throwing me through a loop right now. "I'm just watching this to see if there's anything I can improve on when I go back to set," he says, pausing the movie.
I take that as my cue to sit down next to him, and I do. I'm not looking at him, but I can feel his eyes watching me intently. Even a blind person could probably feel the tenseness radiating off of me. When I muster up the courage to look at him, his blue eyes are soft and concerned. I can't help but think that they won't be that way for long.
Paul scoots closer to me so he can put his arm around me. "Okay, now let's talk. What's going on? Was there a complication with the abortion?"
"Yes," I say. It's not a lie, but it's not the whole truth either. My blood pressure is probably through the roof at this very moment. I try to find something else to focus on, but there's nothing more mesmerizing or comforting that my husband's eyes. It physically hurts to think that may not be a luxury I'll have within a few short minutes.
"Sierra?" he says, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Love, you're scaring me. Please tell me everything is okay." I relish in the fact that he called me love just now. Again, that's something I may not be blessed with hearing after I say these next few words.
"Before I tell you, I just want you to know that I love you with all of my heart. Nothing will ever change that or make me feel any different. Please let me say what I need to say before you comment." I bite my lip, hoping he understands. He nods slowly, and I can tell that he's not sure what to make of this. "When I went to get the abortion, we had one final ultrasound. I got to hear the heartbeats, they were so strong and healthy." Tears begin to fill my eyes as my gaze breaks away from him to look at the floor. "Then Dr. Lauren told me that I was fourteen weeks along, and because that I'm now in my second trimester, I can't have an abortion anymore."
Initially, Paul doesn't say anything. He just stares at me, and I know that he's still processing the information I just gave him. Then, his body becomes rigid and I can practically see the defensive wall that he's building against me. I begin to shake my head, trying to tear down the wall that's growing by the second.
"Let me explain, please. I didn't know I couldn't get one. Nobody told me that I was waiting too late. I'm not going to sit here and place the blame on someone else. I accept full responsibility for my actions and I'm so sorry." I try to grab ahold of his hands, but he jerks them both away from me.
Paul stands up and begins pacing back and forth in front of me. He might as well have steam coming out of his ears because I know that's how mad he is at me. I open my mouth to say something else, but he holds his hand up, stopping me. He continues to pace, and I can feel myself start to become sick. When he finally begins to speak, I hold onto the couch for dear life.
"I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this." Paul runs his hands through his hair before throwing them back down to his sides. "We had a blowout right before the accident over this, so you knew how I felt about it while I was laying in that bed. Yet, you continued this damn pregnancy while being ever so inconsiderate as to how this would affect me! Sierra, dammit, I love you! I love you so much but I just can't even look at you right now. Did you even fucking think of anyone but yourself?"
I flinch at his choice of words, but I know it's true. He's right about everything. I had every chance in the world to terminate this pregnancy yet I didn't. It's no one's fault but my own. Right now, however, Paul doesn't want me to talk, so I let him do the talking.
"Of course you didn't. Look, I wish that you could carry these children. But the doctors have told you time and time again that it's not going to happen! I refuse to lose you. It's not something that I'm willing to do. And I'm sure as hell not sitting by just to watch you die! Do you really think I could love these kids if they killed you?" His hands clench into fists at his sides. "I'm not watching you die. I love you too much to see that happen. I'm leaving." Paul turns and walks out of the room before his words have a chance to sink in.
Leave? No! We can get through this! I rush down the stairs after him, to see that he's already packing a bag. "Where the hell are you going?" Paul turns his back to me and shoves a bunch of shirts into his suitcase. "Paul!"
"I don't know. I just need to get away from you. The kids do not need to see us fighting like this." He walks into the bathroom, so I stand in the doorway to block him. He won't be able to get past me without looking or talking to me.
"I can't let you leave. We can do this. We're husband and wife, we can get through anything!" I try to plead with him, but it doesn't seem like it is working. "Paul, please don't leave. I need you here. I'm not going to get to see you for two months."
"It'll be longer than that," he mumbles, managing to step around me. Somehow, he has already go his bag packed so quickly. Then again, he doesn't really need much. "Tell Meadow I will call her tonight. Goodbye, Sierra."
I watch as he slings his back over his shoulder and walks down the room. No, I refuse to let him leave! "Paul, no! You have to stay!" I grab his arm, and this time he doesn't jerk it away. The pain in his beautiful eyes is so unreal right now. I wish I could take it all away, but how can I? I'm the one who caused his pain in the first place.
"Give me one good reason I should stay." He looks at me, and I find myself speechless.
"Because we love each other too much to give up on our marriage," I say, hopeful.
He doesn't say anything, but I know by the look in his eyes and the way he removes his arm from me that he has already made his decision. It's confirmed when he walks away from me and out the front door.
As I sink to the door, hope rises within me that Paul has suddenly changed his mind, but I look to see Meadow with a look of shock on her face.
"What the hell just happened?"