Healing Gabriel: Chapter Twenty-Seven
※(*)※Gabriel's POV※(*)※
When Jurnee set her tray on the table across from me and leaned over the table, I can honestly say I thought nothing of it. I assumed that she was just showing off her chest to Evan or something, because, well, she was Jurnee. The assumption made me slightly jealous, so I decided to ignore her as she opened her mouth to speak.
It was the next day at lunch, and here she was, completely ditzy and careless once again. I guess it was too good to be true to think that she actually got something out of yesterday's video. I think that if Jurnee learned to be nicer to people from the video, then maybe I wouldn't have minded watching it that much.
Truthfully, I don't know why I was so overtaken by the video. Maybe it was the contents within it that set me off. The reminders of what I used to be caught up in were all in the video, from bullying to rejection to suicide. I just wished the principal would've given a small warning or something about the contents and images that would be shown in the motion picture. Something that I could've prepared myself with.
I looked down at my lap, staring at my hands as if they were the most interesting things in the world. And, heh, maybe they were. Disgustingly interesting, that is. Everything that they touched, everyone . . .
But they touched good things, the little voice reminded me, trying to squash the thoughts. The comfort the voice tried to offer didn't help very much. I felt bad. I had defiled any of the supposed good things I touched. I . . . I had dirtied Evan. I've been making him dirty from the first time he placed his hand on my shoulder. Right?
God! I hated this. It was like ever since I started talking more about my personal feelings and past to people, the more old habits I started to pick back up. And I did not want to pick up the "Must-Get-Clean" habit again. That was one of the worst ones, the one where I could hardly go three hours without feeling the need to take a shower. Or, at the very least, wash my hands and arms till they were red and raw.
Maybe I should just stop being so open. Things weren't so complicated when I kept everything inside me.
Okay, that was an obvious lie. But at least when I hadn't talked to Evan or Alana or my father about my thoughts, I was able to keep my unnatural physical reactions to a minimum. Now it seemed like I was regaining every bad habit I had right after the incident, the very habits that I'd been trying so hard to get over. Some of them were already showing up more prominently, like the lucid, longer-lasting flashbacks and nightmares, or blaming myself for things I would know, in a right state of mind, to be out of my control. Also, some of the older habits were just beginning to reoccur, like feeling dirty and needing to be clean, the scratching at my wrists.
It was stressing. I felt the feeling of not wanting to talk anymore. Talking made vigorous flashbacks and surreal nightmares battle against the slowly developing, happier thoughts and memories that were starting to spring up inside my head.
Oh, God, I thought in distress, pulling at my hair as I rested my elbows on the tabletop, continuing to stare down at my lap. I think I might be starting to relapse. And I know I'm not exactly the best at thinking rationally, but relapsing seemed to be the only logical reason why, after seeming to be doing so well for several weeks, my mentality was deteriorating.
The idea of relapsing made me want to cry. I didn't want to go back to the terrified, stuttering little boy who everyone picked on. I wanted to be content and happy, to love myself and to be accepted. I just wanted to be normal again, and God, I tried so freaking hard to be. I tried to kiss Evan more and let my hand linger against his skin longer. I tried to be more open with him, even if he wasn't exactly the most soul-bearing to me (ahem, his throat). I tried to be friends with Alana, Axel, Donovan and at times, Jurnee.
I tried hard to get better, and all I got in return was the illusion of becoming well.
If everything I was working toward was just an illusion, then maybe I should just give up.
You can be normal again, the subconscious part of myself reminded me. You can be okay. You just have to really, really want to get better. It's a long road to recovery, and with the help of others, it'll be worth it.
I felt a hand rest on my wrist, catching me off guard and making me automatically tense up. In less than two seconds I recognized the hand to be Evan's. I relaxed a little, shifting my gaze toward him. He was staring at me, a puzzled expression on his caring face. I just wanted to snuggle against his chest and ask him to run his fingers through my hair in that soothing way he did so well. Sadly, we were in the middle of the cafeteria, so there was no way that would happen.
I felt other eyes on me, besides his gorgeous light brown ones. I realized that he wasn't the only puzzled one. As I looked up, I saw the rest of our table staring at me as if I had two heads. All except Jurnee, who was smiling at me with a surprisingly genuine smile.
"So, whattya say?" Jurnee asked me, batting her eyelashes.
"You're serious?" Donovan asked, glancing from me to her and back again. "You can't be serious . . . "
She gave him a glare. "I am!" Then she looked back at me, her perfect cheerleader captain smile back on her face.
Wait, what? What was going on? I zoned out for less than three minutes and everyone was staring at me like some exotic animal inside an exhibit. I didn't like being the center of attention; it made me anxious.
"Is this a joke? Because if so, it's not funny," Evan said, narrowing his eyes a bit at her. I stared at him questioningly, but either he didn't notice or was too busy glaring at Jurnee to look at me.
"I'm not joking!" Jurnee huffed. "Gabriel, do you think I'm joking?"
"Huh?" I asked meekly. Joking about what? I had meant to ask, turning to face her again at the sound of my name, but Axel spoke first.
"This is beyond weird, Jur. Seriously. You never wanted anything to do one-on-one with him before."
"I know, ugh, and I want to change that! Gosh, you guys act like it's such an out-of-character thing for me to be nice."
"Well, it is. Especially to Gabriel," Alana piped in, nodding her head at me.
I rubbed my wrists uncomfortably against my jeans, resisting the urge to scratch at them. "What are you guys talking about?" I finally got in after a pause between several more exchanges between the five.
"You weren't listening to me?" Jurnee asked, pouting a little. I gave a sheepish shrug. She sighed. "I asked if you wanted to hang out with me after school today."
What the heck? The girl who had practically strived in making my existence here at Clydesdale High as difficult as possible wanted to hang out? With me? Was she serious? She had to be kidding. This had to be a joke. Right? It wasn't even April first yet.
"She's just fucking with you," Donovan said, shaking his head. I flinched at his choice of context.
"No I am not!" Jurnee literally stomped her foot. "All of you need to stop acting like I'm some sort of queen bitch!"
"But you are," Evan stressed, completely serious. I bit back my smile, settling on holding his hand underneath the table. Mostly just to keep my hands preoccupied than feeling the need to touch him, though.
She clenched her jaw. "Are you Gabriel?" she asked him.
"No."
"Then shut up let him answer for himself. All of you." She trained her watered-down green eyes on me. "So, what do you think, Gabriel? Do you want to, like, I don't know, go get coffee, or like, get a sandwich or something after school?" She twirled a strand of her blond hair around her finger.
No! the subconscious part of my mind immediately screamed, not at all the same little voice I usual heard. You can't trust her! She bullied the living hell out of you! She hates you!
Evan says that she doesn't hate me, I thought back, though I was still skeptical of her motives. And Evan promised he wouldn't lie to me. I tried to figure her out, looking into her eyes for about three seconds. After the three seconds passed I grew uncomfortable and looked away; the only eye contact I could somewhat hold was Evan's. But while I'd searched her eyes for any deceit or dark humor, I found none.
Instead I found it extremely weird that Jurnee was asking me to hang out with her after school to "go get coffee" or "get a sandwich or something." We never hung out with just each other before; we were always with the others.
Maybe she was planning on jumping me. Or, like, maybe even ditching me on the side of a road in the middle of nowhere.
Yeah, that sounds like something Jurnee would do.
Stop those negative thoughts, the little voice chimed in.
Don't you think if I knew how, I would've stopped them long ago? I thought back, glaring slightly. It didn't reply. Of course it didn't friggen' reply; it was a voice. Inside my head. Yeah, it's okay if you think I'm crazy, because I'm starting to believe it too.
I bit my bottom lip as everyone anticipated my answer before clearing my throat. "Y-you're serious?" I asked in a soft tone, tilting my head at her. She nodded enthusiastically.
"Yes, absolutely. It'll be fun, I promise." She smiled even more cheerfully. I looked around at the faces of the others. Alana was tilting her head the slightest bit, looking rather surprised. Axel's jaw was dropped; Donovan's eyes were wide. Evan seemed to be the only one with a more serious look on his face, his eyes skeptical, his lips pressed rather tightly together. He looked a bit more on the "disbelieving" stage of anger than the "psychotic/bloodthirsty" type of madness.
I started to respond with a small shake of my head. Jurnee's hopeful gaze fell. Oddly enough, I felt bad. I didn't want to destroy her hope of acceptance as quickly as she had destroyed mine. In the past, that is. She'd destroyed it in the past. But I was starting to regain the feeling of not being rejected from the others around me, as well as from my family, so the newfound acceptance was a small highlight to my dimmed world.
"W-why?" I stuttered, awkwardly and nervously fluffing up the back of my hair with my free hand.
"Because. Think of it as, like, a 'welcome-to-the-group' type of thing. I took everyone at this table out except for you. Right, guys?"
I looked at them all again. Each of them nodded their heads, including Evan, who didn't lay up on his distasteful glances.
I turned back to Jurnee. She was still leaning across the table, looking at me with something behind her dull green eyes. There was a sort of . . . sadness, a bit of a regretful type of look showing faintly in her usual intimidating gaze.
Doubt kept itself planted in my head. I wasn't sure about it. I've never been alone with anyone else from school besides Evan. And even with him and his ability to basically tranquilize my poisoning thoughts, I still had quite a few breakdowns.
If I had an anxiety attack in front of the most popular girl in school, I'd probably die from all the embarrassment.
But you got yourself out of a panic attack before, the little voice chimed in.
Only halfway through it, and yet it still took a lot longer to get out of it by myself than with Evan, I thought despondently. Not to mention, there was threat of falling back into my old ways was still there on the outskirts of my mind. I looked over at Evan again, who was still staring in angry disbelief at Jurnee. He honestly looked like he wanted to plant her back into her seat and tell her to shut up. Okay, that was the more docile version of the scenario I suspected he had going on in his head.
I looked around at the others for a third time. They were just as shocked as me, I realized. They also must have no idea what Jurnee was planning or why she was doing this.
In the end I found that I couldn't bring myself to say no to her. She was a witch at times, yes. I still hadn't forgotten about how she acted with that overweight girl behind me yesterday. But for the past several weeks that I'd been tagging along with her main group, (Donovan, Axel, Alana and yes, I considered Evan to be a part of it) she had been pretty nice to me. I guess I'd just have to mull over her question for the rest of the school day.
"I'll, um, think about it," I told her, briefly letting my eyes connect with hers before I looked down at my lunch tray and started prodding at my uneaten salad.
I don't think she expected that to be my answer. She spluttered a little, as if wanting to say something, but simply sat down on the bench. "Okay," she sighed. And with that, not another word was exchanged between any of the lunch table's occupants until after the bell rang.
Evan hadn't spoken a word to me for almost the entire rest of the day. I don't think he was mad at me, just too busy thinking to say anything. The reason I knew he wasn't ignoring me was because he'd always end up staring at me during the middle of class, seeming as if he wanted to say something before looking away. Whenever we made eye contact, he looked flabbergasted, puzzled. I appreciated his silence, though, for I really didn't feel like talking much today. Especially not about Jurnee, which I knew was the main topic in his head.
"You aren't seriously going to hang with her, are you?" Evan finally asked me during our last period of the day. There it was, the million dollar question. I suppose he was bound to ask me at some point. And I guess it was fate's way of making sure that I was continuing to converse with my peers, too.
I shrugged my shoulders, trying to come off as more focused on my homework than his question. Truth be told, I had been trying to ignore the idea of spending the afternoon with Jurnee ever since she popped the question. Sure, I mulled over it every half hour or so, but I still couldn't come up with an answer no matter what. I didn't exactly consider Jurnee and me friends; we more so waned on acquaintances than anything. But I also didn't exactly want to say no to her.
"You can't," he stressed.
"Why not?" I was slightly taken aback by his words. He wasn't one of those all-reigning control-freak type of boyfriends, was he? God, I hope he wasn't. I really didn't need another one of those type of people back in my life. But I did need him, so once again I found myself hoping he'd allow me to keep my freedoms.
"Gabriel, you can't be serious. She'd been bullying you since, like, sophomore year."
"Freshman," I corrected, not looking up from my notebook as I continued writing answers down. I know that it was free time, but I always tried to finish my schoolwork whenever spare time was given to me.
"Even worse. Plus, she was the reason you tried to off yourself from the fu--freaking earth." I flinched at the mention. "And yet you're still actually contemplating about going somewhere with her? One-on-one? Are you crazy?"
Yes. I hear freaking voices inside my head. Well, voice. There's only one, and hopefully it stays that way. "Aren't we all?" I settled on.
"That was a rhetorical question. Don't you be going all Van Gogh on me."
"Van Gogh was a painter," I sighed, making several dots on the corner of my paper to get my pen to start working again. "I think you mean someone along the lines of Confucius, Edgar Allan Poe or Shakespeare."
He sighed, exasperated. "Okay, I get it, you're smarter than me. Don't have to rub it in."
I stopped writing, training my eyes on him. He was looking up at me since his chin was resting on the top of the marble counter. "I'm not smarter than you, I just apply myself." I offered him a gentle, tiny smile. "You could be just as smart if you'd pay attention instead of goofing around. Haven't I told you that before?"
He made a face. "Yeah, but you're like, fascinatingly smart. I could never be like you," he mumbled. I rolled my eyes, shaking my head before going back to my work. And he said that I doubted myself?
"Okay, wait, you didn't give me an answer," he reminded me after several minutes of silence. Between us, that is. The rest of the class was still extremely rambunctious, and of course the teacher wasn't doing anything about it.
I sighed, putting my pen down and resting my forehead in my hand. "I feel bad saying no," I confessed quietly.
"Why?"
"Because, it kind of seems like she's trying to make things right between us for some weird reason. And I don't want her to feel like I'll never forgive her for her ignorance, because I'm not one to hold grudges. Not to mention, you told me yourself that I couldn't keep pushing the people who reach out to me away."
He narrowed his eyes a bit. "But, Gabe, that's Jurnee we're talking about. What if those things you just said had never even come across her mind? What if she's got some deceitful trick up her sleeve?"
"Evan, you know how paranoid I am. You honestly think I haven't thought about that already?"
He struggled for words for several seconds before settling with, "Alright, sure, but she was so awful to you--"
"Was," I said, saying the keyword. "She was. But she's been nicer to me lately."
"So are you telling me that you actually want to spend time with her?"
I lifted my head from my hand, meeting his gaze and doing my best to hold it. "I don't know what I want, okay? I'm still trying to come up with a final answer."
He coursed his fingers through his hair, seeming frustrated. "What's there to come up with? Just say no."
"But I don't want to say no," I stressed, trying to make him understand my dilemma.
"I don't get it, Gabriel. She's been a total bitch to you since before I came here. If it wasn't for me, you'd probably be dead by now because of her and everyone else's cruelty towards you. So why would you want to actually spend time with someone like that? What's wrong with you?"
His words caught both of us off guard. I stared at him in wide-eyed disbelief, and he stared right back in the same manner. From the corners of my eye I noticed that several people in the classroom were glancing over at us, but besides that, everyone else was carrying on like they hadn't even heard his words hit the air.
A guttural clear of a throat sounded from the front of the classroom, calling for the class's attention. I turned in my seat, facing the sound to see the chemistry teacher seated at his desk. "Alright, I need two volunteers to run a quick errand for me," his deep voice said. Evan shot his hand up in the air just before a dozen other students who also wanted to escape the confinements of a school room did. He nodded, motioning towards us with a folder.
"Ricci, Adams."
I bit down hard on inside of my cheek as I scooted awkwardly out of the black barstool and made my way up towards his desk, Evan following close behind me. I did not pay much attention to the whining from several other students who had wanted to get picked. Ugh, I didn't want to go to different classrooms and see different students. I bet Evan just wanted a more secluded place to talk, though, and the hallways offered that privacy.
"Alright, I need these three notes delivered to rooms 203, 309 and 102. Be quick," the teacher instructed, not bothering to glance up at us as he handed us our hall passes and the notes that needed to be sent to the different classrooms. "I expect you both back in your seats before the bell rings."
I glanced at the clock on the wall. 2:45 it read. I looked away from the ticker and made my way out of the classroom. Evan situated himself at my side rather than behind me. We didn't say anything as we dropped the first note off at 309, the room straight across from the chemistry room. It wasn't until we were halfway down the staircase to the second level of the school when he stopped, blocking me from descending the rest of the steps.
"Hey, look, I'm sorry. I know there's nothing wrong with you, and I'm sorry for swearing. Also, I didn't mean to sound so cruel with my words, either."
"Don't apologize," I murmured, dismissing his apology with a weak wave of my hand. I looked down at my shoes instead of up at his face. "You're right. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be standing here right now. And there are a lot of things wrong with me, obviously. You were just being being honest, and I can't be mad at you for that."
He let out a groan. I glanced up to see him with his face in his hands. "You're making me feel even more guilty," he grumbled into his palms. I smiled a little, brushing my fingertips against his arm to get him to look at me. When he did, I took hold of his hand for a brief moment, hiding our entwined fingers between our chests just in case any prying eyes were around.
"Don't feel guilty. I'm not mad. Do I look mad?"
He studied my facial features for a moment before letting out a soft sigh, shaking his head a little. "No, not really. But you seemed upset back there--"
"I'm fine now. Besides, at least I got a favor out of you." Okay, the first part was a lie; I was very far away from being fine. But when it came to the topic of what our mini fight was about, I could suddenly care less. I had plenty of other things preoccupying my thoughts; I didn't need a petty thing like him speaking his mind to worry about. I offered him a timid lift of my lips. He seemed unsure at first, but after a moment he smiled back. We continued our way to the second classroom.
"So, um, basically you don't want to say no to Jurnee because you believe, after hanging out and getting to know you a little better, she doesn't mind your quirks anymore. And you don't want her to think that you'll hold some type of grudge against her forever, and you also don't want her to feel the same sort of rejection she'd always make you feel?" Evan asked me while heading to the last classroom.
"Yeah, that sounds about right," I mumbled with a small lift of my shoulders.
He shook his head, running a hand through his thick brown hair. "Gabriel, you're too nice. Too kind. I have no idea how after all the hatred and torture you've been through, you're still so down to earth and you don't thrive in making people feel miserable just because of your past."
Being too kind and giving people second chances to make things right again wasn't a bad character trait, right? I simply looked at my feet, trying not to think about the hatred and torture he'd mentioned. He touched my arm, lightly tugging on my elbow to bring me closer to his side. There was still a slight space between our arms, but the back of our hands would occasionally brush against one another.
"I really admire that," he finished in a soft tone. I blushed immediately at the very thought of Evan, the hard-headed, gorgeous star running back admiring me, a wimpy, pansy outsider who has way more issues than to the eye.
He elbowed me playfully in the arm, smiling that naturally brilliant grin of his that was quite contagious. "Anyways, all seriousness aside, have fun on your very first date with a girl this afternoon," he kidded. I felt my cheeks burn even more from the idea of someone like me going out with someone like Jurnee.
"It's not a date," I muttered, trailing my fingernails up the inside of my arm as we reached the last room to deliver the final note to.
"Sure, sure." He kissed the top of my head, making me glance around the empty hallways to see if anyone had seen. He knocked on the wooden classroom door before entering. It was the American History room, and guess who just so happened to be seated in the very front, looking tanned and flawless as usual? Not to mention, as soon as we were in her line of sight, she literally beamed at us. Wait, she wasn't looking at Evan. She was beaming at . . . me? What the . . . ?
"I'll be the judge of that," he chuckled quietly as Jurnee wiggled her thin fingers in a small wave at me.
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Note
O__O OH MY GOSH JURNEE AND GABRIEL ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO HANG OUT?! WHAT?! WHAT'LL HAPPEN?! DOES JURNEE REALLY HAVE A TRICK UP HER SLEEVE, OR IS GABRIEL RIGHT ABOUT HER BECOMING NICE???
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT MORE ON HEALING GABRIEL~~
loljkjkjk c: Sorry if this chapter is just disgusting and awfully written and if the grammar and words and whatnot are really screwed up; it's 8:38 AM and I haven't gone to sleep since like 12 in the afternoon yesterday lol
See the guy on the side of there?? Yeah, um...that's Evan...err...yeah. I'm actually really nervous about what you guys will think of him more so than Gabriel's casting person lol. So sorry if basically none of you pictured that guy playing Evan :c Remember, just like with Gabriel's photo, Evan's person is only there for people who really need a visual image of the character. I think that the guy on the right somewhat closely resembles the way I imagined Evan, but if you don't agree, then please just act as if the photo never existed! ^-^
Anyways, thank you for the crazy amount of votes, comments, and READS especially on this story! It's so freaking incredible to have over 535,000 reads on my story; I really appreciate it. You're all so friggen awesome and I appreciate the bajeebus outta you! xD
Don't forget to vote, comment and maybe even fan (pwetty pwease wiff a cherry flavored gumball on top c:?)!
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