Healing Gabriel: Chapter Twenty-Six
※(*)※Gabriel's POV※(*)※
There was an all-school assembly scheduled the following morning before lunch. In the auditorium I scored a spot between Evan and Alana up in the bleachers. Jurnee sat in front of me, Donovan on her right and Axel flanking her left. It was kind of odd how we all just automatically grouped together.
Is this what it's like to be popular?
"Ugh, I hate assemblies," Jurnee whined, leaning against Donovan.
"Yeah, you're not the only one who feels that way, as much as your selfish self may think otherwise," a voice muttered from behind me. I turned to glance at her. The person who had spoken was a chubby female adorned in glasses, with a short, choppy, boyish hairstyle and had a bit of an acne problem. I don't think she meant for Jurnee to hear her, but she had.
"You're calling me selfish? You look like you keep the whole freaking basket of rolls to yourself during dinner time," Jurnee shot back.
"At least I actually eat my dinner instead of wasting it by throwing it up right afterwards."
"At least I know proper nutrition and exercise! And yeah, before you ask, lifting a dozen Kripsy Kreme donuts into your mouth while clicking the TV remote doesn't count as working out."
The girl behind me shushed at that. Jurnee gave a satisfied smile and flipped her blond hair over her tanned shoulders. I turned back to the girl. She was looking down at her lap, the people around her who'd been watching laughing and teasing her.
The moment reminded me of me before I met Evan.
Jurnee tossing as many mean comments about me as she could. People encouraging her, laughing with her. Everyone bringing me down, nobody bothering to stick up for me. Unlike the girl, though, I never once replied to any of Jurnee's instigations. The girl behind me had courage. I had none.
I thought a saw a tear glisten in her eyes as one of the boys behind her started commenting about her weight. It hurt to see her upset, even if I didn't know her personally. I hated it when someone was put down by others. I've seen too many people, young adults, children, be called so many names that they finally started to believe it themselves.
I'm one of those people.
Even though Evan's compliments made me feel truly beautifully handsome and confident, the feeling only lasted for a couple moments. I don't know if I'll ever to be able to feel fully comfortable in my own skin ever again.
And I have to say that it kind of sucks that I let the hatred of him, the other boys, and my peers convince me to believe that I am that to nothing. I wish I could be confident like Evan. He knew he was a perfect sight to the eyes, and he carried himself with his head held high and his back poised straight. But he didn't brag about his looks; he didn't have to. He knew he was handsome and he didn't have to tell everyone that to convince them. Sure, he could be cocky at times, but I know he's kidding.
I mean, how could you not be the slightest bit cocky if you're good looking? I know if I even had half the confidence he did I wouldn't hesitate to woo people either.
I was suddenly aware of small, slightly glassy dull brown eyes connecting with mine. Gah, she caught me looking at her! We both looked away at the same time. I think we both were lacking the confidence of meeting someone's gaze.
Turning back around so I was facing forward, I didn't pay attention to any of the conversations between the five others. Instead I silently mulled over whether I should say what I was thinking about saying to the girl behind me or not. I knew what it was like to get picked on, and it hurt. But when I received compliments from Evan I smiled, so maybe if I complimented her, she wouldn't be so upset anymore. Then again, Evan was far more good looking than me, so maybe that's why I felt wooed. Ugh, maybe by my unattractive self giving her a compliment she might just think I'm a creep.
Say it, urged the little voice. You are too beautiful to be regarded as a creep. Just say it.
I sighed inwardly. Since talking about Sixx to Evan, the little voice in my head hadn't led me astray. It had helped me through my anxiety attack and had proven my negative assumptions I'd assumed my father had thought about me wrong.
Twisting around so I was facing the girl again, I decided to just do it. I didn't want her to be hurting like I did. Nobody deserved to have same amount of self-hatred that I had for myself. Not even Jurnee. I'd never, no matter how mean and cruel to others the person may be, wish for them to be inflicted and consumed by same amount of self-loath as me. Sure, I do believe something karma-related should come back and get them someday. But hoping for someone to have a mentality that convinces them to believe that they are nothing is just as cruel and inhuman as to what he did. And I'd never, ever be like him.
"I, um, I like y-your shirt," I said in a quiet voice, stumbling over my words a bit since this was the first time in years that I was willingly saying something to a stranger. Something about talking to a complete stranger felt kind of familiar, though, and not entirely in a bad way. It was kind of weird.
The girl looked up, cheeks red as she self-conciously touched her Avengers t-shirt. "You do?"
I nodded my head, offering her a very tiny smile. "Mhm. Loki's my, uh, favorite."
"But he's not even an Avenger," she giggled, smiling wider. I shrugged, biting my bottom lip to try and stop my words from cluttering together. She blushed for some reason.
"He's got a cute hat," I told her. She laughed. Knowing I made a person who was most likely doubting the heck out of herself made me feel warm. The feeling of the warmth due to making a stranger happy was very familiar, but I couldn't recall where I'd felt it before.
"Yeah, I like Thor. He's an awesome god and stuff and like, I love how old-fashioned he talks. I have a schoolbag of him but, ah, I don't wanna bring it to school because I'd probably get made fun of for it." Gah, another talkative female. I don't know why she kept fiddling with her hair and blushing. It was a bit distracting. I continued to listen to her talk about her love for Thor until she finally cut herself off. "Oh, jeez, I'm babbling. But, anyways, err, thanks," she said, giggling a bit.
"You're welcome, I guess," I replied before turning around. Alana and Evan were staring at me with wide eyes. I felt my face heat up. "What?" I asked, nervously fluffing the back of my hair.
"You just talked to a random person," Evan noted, eyes slightly wide. I purrowed.
"Yeah, I know."
Alana tapped her finger thoughtfully against her chin. "But why? That's so unlike you."
"I don't like it when people are made fun of. I know what it's like, and it's not fun," I admitted, looking down at my lap.
"You're so kind, kitten," said Evan, briefly brushing his hand against my own. His pet name for me used to make me uncomfortable, as most nicknames did, but after a while I decided that I really liked it. It was like a permanent compliment; I was Evan's kitten and no one else's.
"Yeah, that's selfless of you, Gabriel," Alana agreed with a smile. "Pushing through your own anxiety in order to talk to a stranger just to make sure that they're okay. Really impressive. I can't wait until you make enough progress to be comfortable with other people's touches. I'll finally be able to hug you," she chided.
I couldn't help the slight pink on my cheeks at her positivity about me. Plus, she wanted to hug me? Nobody except for my mom and Evan have ever wanted to hug me before.
"Attention students," an older, more masculine voice sounded from a microphone.
"Let's boo him," Jurnee muttered, folding her arms across her chest as Principal Smith continued to call for our attention.
"Now that I have your assiduity, I'd like to apprise you all the reason why you're here. Today we're going to be viewing a video that discusses bullying. The video is precisely a half hour long--" there was a small murmur of complaint from the students, but the principal continued speaking, "--and the topic will be expanded upon the knowledge of the contradistinction of bullying and the effects of bullying."
"If he uses one more big word to try and sound smart I'm going to shove my foot up his hypocritical a--" Evan coughed, cutting himself off. I nudged his knee with my own, purrowing at him as the four others bit back their laughter from what he said.
"Without further ado, please retain yourselves to a hushed manor and keep your attention on the motion picture." I trained my eyes on the large screen hanging from the ceiling in the center of the stage about ten meters in front of me.
I felt kind of bored already. Everyone knows what bullying videos were about. They were usually poorly created scenarios made with bad actors, and they did not fully explain the results of bullying. They just skimmed over "why bullying was wrong" and how it's "totally not cool to do." Oh, and let's not forget the most important supposed reason why bullies bully: "Bullies are just insecure and pick on people just because they want to feel better about themselves."
Yeah, no. I glanced down at the back of Jurnee the two boys flanking her heads. They were anything but insecure. That excuse was so stupid I wanted to almost kick the person who came up with it. Almost. I wasn't normally a violent person unless it involved Adonis and Evan.
I noticed that at least a dozen students around me were shifting uncomfortably in their seats. For a split second, I thought it was because of me--there you go, blaming yourself again--but it was actually because of the video. I trained my eyes on it, then felt them widen and my jaw slacken as I registered what the discussion was. I hadn't really been paying attention, and up until now I was thankful for that.
I really wished I would've fallen ill from the early morning panic attack, or had asked my father if I could stay home from school during our talk. Anything to keep from attending this assembly.
The video wasn't cartoonish or oblivious like I'd assumed. Its demeanor was depressing and serious. It was probably the most eye-opening video about bullying ever created. As I continued to watch it, I started to feel physically sick. Some psychologist, an older gentlemen with thin-rimmed wired glasses, was currently talking about the outcome of long-term bullying, like self-injury and suicide. This was crazy. Bullying videos never talked about that kind of stuff, at least not in great detail.
"Bullying is a serious issue that is faced by many people, especially adolescents. Bullying can cause lifelong psychological effects that may require therapy in order to overcome. In more serious cases, the bullying has gotten so bad that the victim resorts to physical self-destruction on their body, or even worse, they choose to take their own life to escape the constant rejection they endure. People who are faced with the rejection of their peers may already have their own issues to deal with, such as coming from a broken home or having an abusive background, so the bullying only intensifies their situation."
I felt Evan ever-so-lightly rest his arm against mine. I only noticed it because my senses were suddenly hyper-aware of everything around me. To the other students surrounding us it looked like an accident, but I knew he was really asking if I was okay. I simply nodded my head and clenched my fists to keep my hands from quivering. I really did not want to watch this video anymore. I felt humiliated. I'd tried multiple times to take my own life, and Evan was there for the final attempt. I could only imagine what he may be thinking now, what mess he probably regretted getting himself into.
My stomach continued to churn. If it didn't stop I might just throw up all over Jurnee. Speaking of Jurnee, I realized that she was also one of the many students who was moving uncomfortably in her seat. Oh, my God. Was the video's message actually seeping through her pores? Was she finally understanding the cruelty she bestowed upon others, including myself? Ugh, I doubt it. She was probably just bored and the video most likely made her want to make fun of someone even more.
"Most times suicide or self-harm occurs in these type of situations in order for the victim to regain what they believe to be the final bits of control over their lives," continued the psychologist on screen. "It is important that a victim is never driven down either of those dark paths, for it can be an extension on their already long road to recovery. Victims need to be curbed from those negative thoughts given to them by their peers, and students who are by-standers need to learn to help the person who is in a toxic situation."
I was not enjoying this psychologist's point of view, because he seemed to be oddly right. I thought briefly about what my classmates' reactions to the video were, wondering if they were thinking about their snide comments to me in return.
"Bullying can, and often does, have lasting lifelong effects on the victim. Being bullied effects the victim's self esteem, which is even more significant if the victim already has devalued esteem issues. Many victims need counseling to come to grips with the torment and to help rebuild their lives, as bullying can lead to severe depression, panic attacks, and negative mentalities. Many people who are bullied are so hurt by the cruel treatment that they contemplate suicide, and some actually attempt and sadly succeed in taking their own lives. Those who do not take their lives are overcome by the many devastating effects of bullying by the pattern it creates in victims' minds and personalities that can last their whole life."
I wanted desperately to zone out. The mentioning of how the bullying effected a person and could make them troubled forever stung, because that was how I felt. Not because of bullying though, but because of being him. I knew I would never get 100% better; I didn't need some "genius" psychologist to confirm my fears.
I tried to think of anything except the video on screen, not wanting to watch it any longer. I wanted to leave. Of course, I couldn't just up and exit like the characters did in movies and stories, so I just sat there with a stoic expression and rigid body.
"Over fourteen percent of high school students have considered suicide, and almost seven percent have attempted it. Though those numbers may seem like a simple fragment of thousands, they're not. And people, especially those who are cruel to others, need to look deeper into those 'numbers' and realize that those numerals are--or once were--actually living and breathing humans."
Jurnee shot up from her spot in the bleachers, attracting attention from both teachers and students.
"What are you doing?" Donovan asked her. "Sit down." She simply shook her head, angling it downwards and letting her long hair cover the sides of her face. Everyone watched in confusion as the most popular and snotty girl in school made her way down the bleachers, her head lowered and her pace quick.
A teacher briefly conversed with her before allowing her to exit the auditorium. Well, jeez! If I'd have known that I just needed to get up and talk to someone in order to leave, I'd have done it. It was too late, though, for the video was over five minutes later.
"Alrighty students, with that in mind I hope you all take some consideration in the you open your mouthes. Have a good afternoon." The Principal then motioned for the teachers to start gathering their students.
Have a good afternoon? How could I have a good afternoon when I had to think about that freaking depressing video?
"Where'd Jurnee go?" Alana asked Donovan as the ninth graders were exiting the room first.
"No idea. I think she might've been crying, but I dunno. Probably because those stupid seniors were bothering her and she considered it bullying. But anyways, damn. That video was fucking crazy," Donovan commented, turning around to face us.
"Yeah. I mean, holy shit, I knew about suicide and bullying and stuff, but never like that. I feel bad for book checking that freshman first period," Axel said, making a face.
"I can't believe they actually talked about suicide and self-harm. Bullying videos never talk about that stuff," Alana spoke up, voicing my exact thoughts. "The video must've been required by district laws to be shown or something."
Evan just shook his head. I felt his hand squeeze my own, hidden by the bleachers so nobody would see. Still, I didn't hold his hand back, from both the dislike of public affection and the numbing feeling I was starting to get. "Are you okay?" Evan asked me.
"I just want to leave," I whispered under the loud conversations of students around me. "I didn't like the video."
"I know, you looked terrified the entire time." Evan sat a little bit closer to me so our shoulders were almost touching. "It's okay, though. You're not like that anymore. Like, you don't have those type of thoughts as much, right?" When I didn't confirm right away, he tightened his grip on my hand. "Right?"
I shook my head. He must've took that as a positive sign because he gave me a small smile before continuing to talk to the others. Really, though, I hadn't meant for the negative shake of my head to be positive. I'd meant that I didn't know. I didn't know what I was like anymore. Because one minute I wouldn't be having those thoughts, and the next, they'd just start coming back.
Oh. So that was the numbing feeling I felt. The depressed thoughts wanted to return to me.
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Note
Poor Gabey-baby, he's just so brokennnn :c Sometimes I hate that the story has to be this negative for him at some points, but I know it's for the best and makes it seem more realistic. And that's the point! THE STORY MUST BE REALISTIC. I wish it could be fantasy and everything could be alright for Gabrian, but...that's not how situations like this in real life are .-.
So I know this chapter was kind of short and weird and blarghblarghblargh, and I know. You're all probably like, WAAAATTT DAAA IM SO CONFUZZLED I THOUGHT GABE WAS GETTIN PERFECT AGAIN WAATTTT OMG WE HATE U SO MUCH MS. AUTHOR WE'RE ALL GUNNA CUT U OPEN LIKE A MEXICAN PIE FACTORY...but it'll make sense soon, my dovely dittle doves! <3
Pleeeassseee don't forget to leave a vote (because really, will one push of a button kill you -.-?) and a super duper long comment (or a short one idk it doesn't matter just do whateva chu desire) x]
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