It was a quiet drive to the Harrison's house. I didn't know how to feel exactly. I felt guilty, excited and sad all at once, but obviously the bad feelings outweighed the good so I sat in Aisha's car, fiddling with my fingers.
When we pulled up, it was almost as if the air was sucked out of the car. I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a deep breath.
Aisha placed her hand on my shoulder and I looked at her.
"Everything's going to be okay." She said.
"You think so?"
She nodded.
"It's never too late. Never too late for love and family." She gave me a small smile.
I nodded once and unbuckled my seat belt then I got out the car. Aisha lead the way to the door and she rang the bell a few times. The housekeeper came to open the door then she told us to go up to the master bedroom.
Pattie was sitting on her bed with Maya in her arms, staring as she was being sang to.
The sight warmed my heart and a tear quickly rolled down my cheek.
"Hi aunty Pattie." Aisha smiled.
"Hello." Pattie whispered, a small smile on her face. "Come meet your baby, Dileah."
I couldn't move.
Aisha gave me an encouraging nudge and I took a few steps towards my baby.
'My baby'. It felt so weird yet so good to think about it. It finally happened and I was so overwhelmed, I didn't know what to do with myself.
I sat next to Pattie and she handed Maya over. I cradled her in my arms and looked into her gorgeous grey eyes. She was bigger than I remembered, even cuter too. Her curls were a little wilder and her cheeks a little chubbier. She was perfect.
"She's so beautiful." I smiled and stroked Maya's hair gently.
"She is." Pattie agreed.
"Can I hold her?" Aisha asked.
I looked at her and hesitantly nodded. I didn't want to let go of Maya. Not ever.
"Hello, princess Maya!" Aisha said as she took Maya. "I'm aunty Aisha, your fairy godmother AKA she that will spoil you rotten."
"Don't you dare." I said.
"Your mommy's a little uptight, cutie." Aisha whispered. "I'm going to show you around your grandma's house. Is that okay?"
"Go ahead." Pattie said.
I was glad she agreed. She and I had some things to talk about.
It was quiet for a moment but Pattie decided to speak first.
"How have you been?" She asked me.
"I've... I've been okay, I guess." I said softly. "You?"
"Alright." She nodded.
"A-And Justin?"
"Doctors say he's stable."
"Pattie, I'm so sorry..." I frowned.
"It's okay. I mean it." She stroked my back.
"I thought I was doing what was best. I should've known better."
"You were hurt. I understand."
"He was just trying to help."
"I suppose. But he should've asked you first."
I shook my head.
"I made a big mistake. But... we ended up arguing and I got upset and I..."
"You gave him the ring back."
"Yeah."
"Do you still feel the way you did when you left?"
"No." I whispered. "I miss Justin sorely. Aisha showed me a picture of the house he got for us and... now Maya's here and I realise that this is what I want. I want love and a family. I want Justin."
"He loves you so much, sweetie. What he did... it shows just how much he'd do for you."
"Sometimes he's just too..." my voice trailed off. "He wants to fix everything."
"He wants to make you happy. He just isn't sure how to sometimes; he doesn't know where the line is. Remember, Dileah, he's never been with a girl like you before."
"I just wish he wouldn't worry so much about me."
"He doesn't worry anymore. He cares."
I looked at my left hand and frowned.
"Why does a part of me think he doesn't love me anymore? I hurt him again and he was really mad at me when we last spoke."
"He loves you. Don't doubt that. He always will."
I shook my head.
"I gave him the ring back, Pattie."
"Things like this happen."
"And what if we get married and we have another big fight?"
"You will work things out."
She was right. The last thing I wanted was to land Justin in a hospital again.
"When did Maya come?" I changed the topic.
"She got here just this morning. Rose told me that the other couple couldn't take her because of legal issues so... she's all yours." Pattie smiled.
"Didn't Rose ask about me and Justin?"
"She did. I told her you were out of town and Justin was unwell."
"You and Justin lied to her."
"Because we knew that, despite what was going on, you really wanted Maya."
I smiled slightly.
"Justin had promised me that he'd do whatever it takes to make her ours." I said.
"He's a man of his word."
"Thank you." I looked at her. "I know I messed up and I was selfish but... I really wanted this, even though I ended up doubting it."
"I'm just happy to have you back, sweetie. I know that Justin will be happy to see you too."
I hoped so.
"How bad is it?" I asked. "What happened exactly? Aisha only told me the basics."
"Well," Pattie sighed, "he'd been down for some time since your... disagreement, and he'd been acting differently so I asked Richard to take him to see a doctor. He kept insisting he was fine so Richard and I let him be because he's a big boy. I went to see him one day and he was out of sorts... I argued with him about his health and he collapsed on the kitchen floor and Catherine called the ambulance. Turns out he'd overdosed on medication he'd been taking without us knowing and apparently he had also been taking in lots of coffee to keep him awake so he could work longer."
I frowned.
"It's all my fault." I said.
"No, sweetie."
"Yes. If I had told Justin enough about my past, we wouldn't be in this situation. I just didn't want to relive my past by having to talk about it. I didn't want to deal with it."
"Don't beat yourself up, sweetie."
"I can't help it, Pattie. Your son... he gave me everything I could ever dream of and I threw it back in his face. Over what?"
She took my hand.
"Dileah, relationships aren't all sunshine and rainbows. Fights happen, hearts get broken. Regrets won't help anything. What counts is the fact that you're here and ready to work things out with Justin."
"It might be hard."
"It'll be worth it in the end."
I nodded my head.
Aisha walked in with Maya and my smile returned to my face.
"Why don't you go spend some time with Maya in the garden, Dileah? We can go see Justin in the morning." Pattie said.
"Okay." I got up and went to take Maya from Aisha. "Hello, baby." I smiled at her as I left the room
--
My first night as a mom was quite an experience. I spent the night at Pattie's and Maya made it her job to keep everyone up. Even Richard offered to help. But, after a feed and playing soft music while sitting in a rocking chair, Maya was out like a light.
She also gave me an early start to the day. I'd decided to share the bed with her and I spent most of the night just watching her sleep. She was so beautiful. I couldn't believe that she was finally mine.
After a shower and breakfast, while Pattie and Richard kept an eye on Maya, I got dressed and put my hair up in a bun.
We all took Pattie's Range Rover to the hospital. Richard drove, Pattie sat in the front with him and Aisha and I sat with Maya in the back.
We patiently waited in the waiting area for the go-ahead to see Justin, from a doctor.
Pattie and Richard looked uneasy and that made me nervous.
"How was he the last time you came to see him?" I asked.
"Unconscious." Richard said.
"But apparently stable." Pattie added.
She'd gotten him some flowers on our way here and she was holding onto them quite tightly.
"Good morning." A doctor approached us.
"Dr. Greene." Pattie said, and we all got up to greet him.
"How's Justin doing?" I asked.
He looked at me.
"I'm... his fiancé. Dileah." I said.
"He seems to be doing better but he's still unconscious. We should give him a few days. He'll be alright." Dr. Greene said. "We pumped his stomach and everything."
"Can we see him?" Aisha asked.
"Of course. But don't be too long."
Pattie looked at me.
"You go first." I told her.
"Come, Richard." She said and took her husbands hand.
I watched them walk into Justin's ward and I frowned.
Maya groaned and I realised she'd fallen asleep in my arms.
I smiled at her and kissed her head.
"You two look cute together." Aisha smiled. I realised she'd just taken a picture of us with her phone.
"I'm in love with her." I smiled.
"I can tell."
I held Maya a little closer.
"How are you feeling?" Aisha asked me.
"Nervous." I admitted.
"Don't be."
"If he can just forgive me, I'll be alright. Until then..." I shook my head.
"I'll make sure he does." Aisha cracked her knuckles jokingly and I giggled lightly.
Pattie and Richard came out of the ward soon enough and Aisha looked at me.
"Go ahead." I smiled at her.
She went in and Pattie and Richard took their seats next to me again.
"How is he looking?" I asked.
"I can't really tell." Pattie said.
"But the doctor said he's doing better so we need to believe it." Richard held her hand.
I frowned.
"Look, I am truly sorry for what happened. If I hadn't left... if I had let him explain himself--"
"Dileah, Justin is a grown man." Richard said. "He knows better."
"But it's not the first time he's hit rock bottom when I left. I shouldn't have left."
"All that matters is that he's alive, sweetie." Pattie said.
I looked down at Maya.
"Dileah, your turn." Aisha walked out of the ward after a short while.
I got up slowly, Maya still in my arms, and I made my way to the ward.
Justin was just lying there, motionless with his eyes closed. His skin was pale, his hair a mess. I just wanted to hold him so badly.
I sat in the chair that was beside his bed and just stared at him for a while, trying my hardest not to cry.
Maya yawned and I realised she'd just woken up. She looked up at me with her big grey eyes and I managed to smile at her.
"Rise and shine." I said to her, blinking away my tears.
She kept staring at me.
"Uhm... we're here to see daddy. Remember I told you about him yesterday, Maya? He's... asleep. But he'll be up soon and ready to play with you."
She put her little fist in her mouth.
"He's going to love you." I carried on as if Maya could understand me. "He'll probably spoil you rotten too."
Maya smiled.
She was so adorable.
I placed her properly in my lap and looked at Justin.
"Justin?" I said.
He didn't respond.
"I hope you can hear me." I went on. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left. I should've stayed and worked things out and... well, I'm back and I'm sorry and I hope we can work something out now. For Maya. She's here now. Thanks to you and your mom..." my voice trailed off.
Why did it feel stupid talking to him? Could he even hear me?
I took a deep shaky breath and got up from my seat to kiss Justin's lips gently.
"Please wake up?" I ran my thumb over his bottom lip.
He didn't respond. He didn't even twitch.
"Justin, please." I said. "You were right and I realise that."
There was a knock on the door then it slowly creeked open. Pattie stood at the door and gave me a small smile.
"The doctor--"
"We have to go?" I frowned.
She nodded.
"But I spoke to him for you. If you want to stay here with him tonight, you can."
"What about Maya?" I looked at her.
"I'll take her. You can stay here with Justin for as long as you need. We'll be back in the morning."
I looked at Maya then at Pattie. I nodded.
"Okay." I said.
She smiled and came to take Maya from me.
"Aisha's gone to buy you some food for the rest of the day. There's a coffee shop just downstairs and... if you need anything, just call, okay?"
"Okay."
Pattie hummed as she bounced Maya gently.
"When do you think he'll be up?" I asked.
"Hopefully tomorrow?" Pattie said, though I could tell she wasn't sure either.
"We just need to keep hoping and praying, huh?"
"Absolutely."
"I come bearing food." Aisha walked in with a bag of food.
"Thank you, Aisha." I managed a smile.
"No problem. You just let us know if Justin wakes up, okay? As soon as he wakes up."
"I promise."
She placed the food on a table then came to hug me.
"Stay strong, Dee." She whispered in my ear.
"I'll try." I said.
Pattie also came to hug me and I kissed Maya's cheeks a few times.
"See you all tomorrow?" I said.
"I'll pop in later to drop off a blanket and a charger for you in case you need them." Pattie said.
"Thank you."
"When Justin is okay, you and I are going shopping for Maya." Aisha said.
I smiled.
Even at a time like this, she was still positive and looking forward to a shopping trip.
They said goodbye and Pattie kissed her son's cheek then they left.
I turned and looked at Justin once again and frowned.
What did I have to do to get him to wake up?
I paced around the room a few times, praying silently and wishing hard that he'd wake up and say something. Even if he told me to get out, at least he would've said something.
I sat in the chair again and looked at the black tv screen that was in the corner of the room then I looked at Justin.
Usually, I was the one who landed up in hospital and Justin would be there for me, first thing when I opened my eyes. I wanted to be here for him in that way too.
I took his hand in both of mine and kissed it.
"Please wake up for me?" I pleaded. "I'm sorry."
He didn't react.
I looked at his face again, taking in his vulnerability with all the pipes running along his face: the one for breathing and the one that fed him. Then there was the drip in his arm and the beeping monitor.
'Stay strong, Dee.' Aisha had said to me.
How could I?
I ran my hand through Justin's hair slowly then kicked my shoes off and climbed onto the bed to lie next to him. I laid my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, and I took his hand in mine.
"We need you." I said.